King Arthur (NHB Modern Plays)

ACT ONE

Scene One – In the Stocks

Lights up. SFX: a cheering crowd. Three MEN are in stocks. A fanfare and then a voice comes over the tanoy.

VOICE. Visitors to Camelot, see ye here before us, three of the utterest buffoonions in the great kingdom of King Arthur. Accused they be of treason. I say ‘accused’, but let’s not beat about the bushel – they’re definitely one-hundred-per-cent guilty. So, in the great medieval tradition, I call upon those of you armed with vegetables… yes, that’s right, that’s you in the front row… take that rotting produce and, on my command, throw it at their stupid faces! Ready… take aim… and fire! Throw it! Now!!

Pre-show, the front row of the audience has been instructed by ushers or STAGE MANAGER (SM) to throw fake fruit and veg at the MEN. Lively music begins with crowd SFX that transitions into a song.

EDGAR lifts up his stocks (to free himself to move and sing) on his first line. He is in a pink bodice. He also has a hoover, which he retrieves from the wing during his opening verse, returning it to the SM before the next verse.

EDGAR (singing).

I gotta get free, I gotta get free,

I gotta get free from this mess

That I have to confess was all their fault

I should not be in stocks

God knows, believe me they’re a couple of co–

OSBERT lifts up his stocks on his first line (to free himself to move and sing and place EDGAR back in the stocks). He is in a miniskirt, a white shirt tied at the waist. He twirls a shocking-pink cobweb duster.

OSBERT (singing).

Cos it wasn’t my fault

It seems that this infernal muddle

And all of the trouble

Is patently all down to you two

That’s…

Unfortunate to be saddled

With this right pair of tw–

DAVE lifts up his stocks on the first line (to free himself to move and sing). He’s naked (flesh-coloured body suit) with a pink crocheted willy.

DAVE (singing).

’Twas strange but it’s true (hey)

It makes me happy you both love me like you do

But I think you all know

And the verdict will show

I’m all innocent, baby

I give my stiff guarantee

So now I gotta get free

He lands a punch on OSBERT, which provokes a fight. EDGAR rips off DAVE’s willy and chucks it into the audience. DAVE has to retrieve it. Eventually they all convene to harmonise over…

ALL (singing).

But life won’t go on

Because we really screwed up

Really screwed up, really screwed up

With our show to celebrate Camelot

God knows

Perhaps we should’ve killed Lancelot

So people, can’t you see?

We gotta break free!

EDGAR, OSBERT and DAVE position themselves back in the stocks and exit carrying stocks. Instrumental music continues playing. SM enters with a sign. It reads ‘One week earlier…’

SM then exits.

Scene Two – Hangover

A farmyard. SFX: pigs and chickens. OSBERT is in a pig trough. EDGAR is passed out then comes to, very hungover.

EDGAR. Osbert? Dave? Guys, where are you?

No response. EDGAR fires an arrow at a hanging bucket, which drops and lands on OSBERT’s head. OSBERT jumps up.

OSBERT. What the…?! Argh, what happened?

EDGAR. We got drunk and ended up in the pig pen again. Where’s Dave?

OSBERT. How should I know? Ow, my head!

EDGAR. That was some night.

OSBERT. Was it? I don’t remember a thing.

EDGAR. Me neither.

Pause.

OSBERT. That’s not good, is it?

EDGAR. Nope. I don’t like the sound of any of this.

OSBERT. Right, let’s retrace our steps. The last thing I remember was…

Pause.

BOTH. Dave offering our home-brew beer to the king!

OSBERT. No, no, no!

EDGAR. Oh holy…

DAVE enters brightly.

DAVE. Morning, losers! So. Who wants to become a knight?

BOTH. What?

DAVE. A knight.

EDGAR. As in… Knights of the Round Table?

DAVE. Yep. As of last night, ‘someone’, aka The Davester, secured us three simple squires guaranteed knighthoods in return for just a simple assignment that we can’t get out of.

EDGAR. Oh God, what’s he agreed to now?

DAVE. Errr… only to turn your sad little lives around.

OSBERT. Dave, how bad is this ‘assignment’?

DAVE. It’s not bad at all.

EDGAR. How bad?!

DAVE. You’ll be thanking me for the rest of your lives.

EDGAR. How bad!?!

Pause.

DAVE. It’s pretty bad, but not as bad as your face! He’s probably forgotten anyway.

EDGAR. Who has?!

DAVE. The king.

EDGAR/OSBERT. The king?!

DAVE. Although the leaflets have already been printed.

Produces a leaflet.

EDGAR. Give me that!

EDGAR snatches the leaflet, looks at it and gasps.

OSBERT. What does it say?

EDGAR. No idea, I can’t read.

OSBERT. Give it to me… (Gasps.)

EDGAR. What does it say?

OSBERT. I can’t read either, actually.

EDGAR grabs the leaflet back and holds it up to an audience member.

EDGAR. You. What does it say? Loud and clear.

AUDIENCE. Fifteen per cent off takeaways at The Golden Dragon!

DAVE. Well that’s clearly the wrong leaflet – it’s this one.

EDGAR. Tell us exactly what happened last night or I swear to God, I’ll…

DAVE. Okay! So. You know when Arthur was crowned, he vowed that after a year and a day, he’d hold a grand celebration to broadcast the legacy and stories of Camelot to the world?

EDGAR. ArthurFest. Yes. Terrible idea.

OSBERT. An idea which he was immediately obliged to cancel because there ARE no stories of Camelot.

DAVE. Well after a pint or two… or maybe ten, Arthur confided in me about how depressed he was about the whole situation, so to sort of… buoy him up – and bearing in mind the old brain had clocked off for the night and left ‘The Big D’ in charge – I promised that we’d help out.

EDGAR. ‘We’?!

DAVE. Yeah, it seemed a shame to leave you two out. Hashtag- FOMO.

OSBERT. Of what exactly?!

DAVE. Okay fine. We need to stage a theatre show that will give birth to the legends of King Arthur, ignite fascination in the stories for centuries to come and oddly… become the main reference point for what it means to be English. ArthurFest is back on!

The others are in shock.

I was drunk!! People say stuff when they’re drunk!

OSBERT. Yeah, they say stuff like ‘I bet I could tip