Mental Health (information)
5 years ago
Here are a bunch of notes on mental health and psychology that I found useful. I'll probably edit this from time to time. [last updated 3/14/2021]
I think I'll call this journal "Mental Health Meditations" after the private self-help notes/journal of Stoic Philosopher and Roman Emperor (from 161-180AD) Marcus Aurelius which is typically titled Meditations, and is an excellent, ancient but timeless, thin personal self-help book by the "Last of the Five Good Roman Emperors".
Lots of people feel somewhat depressed during winter, the more serious form is called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and there is lots of advice out there on how to deal with it.
Well, winter or not, I'd certainly like to be happy more often and I thought it would be good to know exactly how to achieve that, but while looking at lots of articles I noticed that neither philosophers nor psychologists can seem to agree on what the word 'happiness' actually means and several researchers, philosophers, and authors thought well-being may be a better goal than just happiness. So what exactly does "well-being" mean? Debates about that go back a long time, to at least Plato's dialogue Philebus and the hedonic and eudaimonic conceptions of happiness that characterized the ancient Greek Epicurean and Stoic schools of philosophy, as well as the Buddhist concept of enlightenment and nirvana, and continue into the modern era with names like Mazlow and Jung. Here is some contemporary thinking on the subject:
11 Dimensions of well-being, as defined in several popular modern models**:
1. High positive emotions (high frequency and intensity of positive moods and emotions)
2. Low negative emotions (low frequency and intensity of negative moods/emotions/depression)
3. Life satisfaction (a positive subjective cognitive evaluation of one's life)
4. Self-acceptance (Positive attitudes toward oneself, high core self-evaluation)
5. Environmental mastery (Ability to shape environments to suit one's needs and desires)
6. Personal growth (Continuing to develop, rather than stagnating; open to experiences)
7. Autonomy (Being independent and able to resist social pressures)
8. Positive relations (Having warm, satisfying, and trusting interpersonal relationships)
9. Purpose and meaning in life (A clear sense of direction and meaning in one's efforts*)
10. Engagement in life (being absorbed, interested, and involved in activities and life)
11. Accomplishment (goal progress and attainment; feelings of mastery, efficacy, and competence)
*or a connection to something greater than oneself, e.g. a community, culture, or spirituality
**Note: Here's some background info I found, feel free to skip it if you're not obsessively analytical. The first 3 numbers (1, 2, 3) with the underlined items are some of the most obvious and appear in some of the older modern models and theories from~500BC the 1960's through the 80's (1 is essentially classical 'happiness' or feeling good/happy emotions, 1 & 2 appeared in some 1960's work that defined 'happiness' as the difference between the two (and later research has confirmed the two are clearly separable concepts in the long-term, though moderately inversely correlated as one would expect), while 3 is more cognitive and was common in sociology studies in the 1970's and 80's), the six numbers in italics (4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) are found in a theory-guided Psychological Well-Being model (if you read the example traits of high and low scorers for each of the items on the last page of that link you may notice some similarities between the low scoring traits and Personality Disorders, also there is some crossover in the definitions of 3 & 4), the five numbers in bold (1, 8, 9, 10, 11) are items found in PERMA, and there is also a set of six items from a review of Subjective Well-Being (SWB) research that was based on 1, 2, 3 (their six items are: positive temperament, looks on the bright side, does not ruminate excessively on bad events, living in an economically developed society, has social confidants, and adequate resources for making progress toward valued goals) that overlap considerably with items from the other two models, roughly corresponding to numbers 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 11. Thus numbers 1, 10 & 11 are in two models and numbers 8 & 9 are in all three models -- I colored one gold and the other cyan because they keep appearing in different models.
Here's a small 'wall of text' you can skip if you want. Upon personal reflection on the 11 dimensions of well-being listed above (which is admittedly a somewhat arbitrary starting point) and looking at the other models and articles that follow (and taking into account various philosophical and spiritual systems), my own thoughts were as follows: The underlined items (1-3) may define happiness or well-being but they cannot easily/effectively pursued directly (except perhaps for choosing optimism for 1 or taking anti-depressants for 2, LOL) and are really the results of 4-11, or more generally of a life well-lived. I view 4, 5 and 6 (Self-acceptance, Environmental mastery, and Personal growth) as mostly being combined with or a consequence of 11 (Accomplishment of goals), if one sets goals and makes progress towards them then that should provide relevant personal growth and environmental mastery as well as result in feelings of self-acceptance. However I decided to keep 6 (Personal growth) because it is core to my values and worldview. I see 5 (Environmental mastery) as the result of one of a pair of coping strategies where "adversities in life can be overcome either by actively changing life circumstances to personal preferences (assimilative coping) or by adjusting personal preferences and goals to given situational constraints (accomodative coping)" (see pg291) where 11 (Accomplishment of goals) reflects assimilative coping and accomodative coping is a sort of the remaining part of 3-5 that cannot be combined with other items, reflecting the willing acceptance of things that cannot be changed (which might include everything if you followed the idea of 'fate' like the Stoics or 'hard determinism' like Spinoza), so I replaced Self-acceptance with just Acceptance as a new 4. For myself, I see 7 (Autonomy) as a result of 9 (Purpose and meaning in life) and an important modifier to 8 (Positive relations), I would not want to achieve positive relations with others merely by giving in to social pressures or compromising on my own purpose and meaning (ethics), but that is a personal choice which makes 8 (Positive relations) somewhat more difficult. I like 8-11, which are in both the PERMAâ„¢ and Subjective Well-Being model. For me Intellectual Curiosity and Creativity are part of 9 (Purpose and meaning in life). I'm not sure if I want to give Spirituality its own number so I included Quiet Ego instead, which was reflective of some of my views on spirituality (replacing 5, Environmental mastery, that I considered to be a part of 11, Accomplishment of goals). I filled in the remaining unused numbers (1-3) with information from all the articles below that seemed important and to fit well in that spot in the list, and I expanded the definitions of the 11 using other items from below. That gives me a personal list of 11 things that is a hybrid of well-being, happiness, resilience, quiet ego, etc. that currently looks like this:
My 11 factors of mental health:
1. Realistic optimism (Looking on the bright side, positive attitude, enthusiasm, viewing failure as a form of helpful feedback*, maintaining perspective, having a sense of humor, hope, having a growth/abundance mindset)
2. Physical functioning (Establish good physical habits; Basic self-care and physical needs: nutrition, operating fluids, sleep, exercise, dealing with any chemical imbalances that affect mood, salubrious sanitation; see to these needs as a high priority continuous/repeating goal until it becomes habit)
3. Mental functioning (Establish good mental habits, emotional awareness, ability to regulate emotions, EQ, visualization, meditation, be kind to yourself, practice gratitude)
4. Acceptance (Accommodative coping, willingly accepting the parts of self, physical function, mental functioning and environment that cannot be changed... and the wisdom to know which those are, so you don't try to set goals for them)
5. Quiet ego (detached awareness, inclusive identity, perspective-taking, growth-mindedness; be realistic about objective reality; avoid being overly selfish or completely selfless - take the middle path or temperance; be able to look from different perspectives; take the long view; humility)
6. Personal growth (Continuing to develop... or just try something different, or even regress for that matter, anything is better than stagnating; be open to experiences; engage in the pursuit of challenge which forces oneself to grow)
7. Autonomy (Being independent and able to resist social pressures; assertiveness; social courage)
8. Positive relations (Having warm, satisfying, and trusting interpersonal relationships, compassion, a sense of belonging, and a commitment to growth through cooperation and reciprocity; while avoiding toxic people)
9. Purpose and meaning in life (A clear sense of direction and meaning in one's efforts; spirituality, being part of something bigger than ourselves, intellectual curiosity, creativity)
10. Engagement in life (being absorbed, interested, and involved in activities and life, at its best - 'flow'; industrious, not withdrawing, and creative openness)
11. Accomplishment (Assimilative coping; goal progress and attainment, including goals for personal growth and environmental mastery; feelings of mastery, efficacy, and competence; if a sapient being doesn't have goals for the future and just reacts to events/stimulus then it is effectively just behaving like an 'animal')
*note that simply responding to failure with more optimism is 'insanity' and I have made a choice that I'd rather attempt to have an 'accurate' view of objective reality and be unhappy if necessary than live in a fantasy world of unwarranted optimism, feedback needs to be responded to or in my opinion I'd be violating items 5, 6, 9, 10, and 11.
I may change my list over time and there's nothing 'magical' about having 11 items. You don't have to use my list of mental health items, I just included it as an example of how to look at all of this information and pick which pieces seem to work for you. Different people probably don't experience the physical world or the 'realm of ideas' (abstracts) in quite the same way and the happiness or well-being research I found doesn't adequately address differences in personality types or individuals yet. Have fun making your own list, or taking one from an authority you trust, or whatever your friends are doing, or whatever your own personal strategy is. Now I'll show where I got all of that other information I put into my list and the other sorts of articles and models I looked at.
Since I'm going to use the word 'personality' I'd better define it: Personality is the non-physical, behavioral qualities that allow differentiation between different beings and are reasonably stable over time without some traumatic external event. [I'm sure there's a better definition somewhere]
Personality is one of the most consistent predictors of subjective well-being. It has been shown repeatedly that the two major personality traits in the Big Five (OCEAN) model most predictive of well-being are:
1. High extroversion (which studies of twins indicate is ~50% genetic)
2. Low neuroticism
There have been attempts to correlate these to the first two of the 11 factors of well-being at the top, respectively. The correlation of high extroversion to high positive emotions is, well, very high. The correlation of high neuroticism to high negative emotions was so high that some researchers equated them.
Other less consistent predictors include: Self-esteem (western cultures), Relationship harmony (some eastern cultures), Optimism, Expectancy for control, Positive illusions (yep, self delusion), Not ruminating on negative events, How one approaches comparing oneself to others, Realistic aspirations, Movement towards aspirations, Having intrinsic aspirations (e.g. personal growth or enlightenment) rather than extrinsic aspirations (e.g. wealth and fame), Not obsessing on outcomes, Setting compatible goals appropriate to one's motivations and needs and that are valued by one's culture or sub-culture, Satisfactory employment, Having time and resources for leisure activities, Mature cognitive coping strategies and skills. You'll see some of those among the other nine of 11 factors at the top as well as in the notes and articles below. Some factors unrelated to well-being were: Education (when separated from income), Intelligence (yep, being 'smart' doesn't necessarily make someone happier).
Here is what another article about having a healthy personality says was emerging as a consensus in the mid-20th century:
- More positive than negative emotions in daily life
- Openness and flexibility of emotional expression
- Trust in one's own experience
- Self-acceptance
- Resistance to stress
- Healthy self-assertion
- Responsibility and competence
- Warm, authentic connection to others
It then identifies the following ten traits of a '21st century view of a healthy personality profile':
1. Openness to Feelings (experiencing deeper and more differentiated emotional states)
2. Straightforwardness (frank, sincere, ingenuous; avoids flattery, craftiness, or deception)
3. Competence (feeling capable, sensible, prudent, effective, and well-prepared to deal with life)
4. Warmth (affectionate, friendly, easily forms close attachments; not formal, reserved, distant)
5. Positive Emotions
6. Low Angry Hostility
7. Low Anxiety
8. Low Depression
9. Low Vulnerability to Stress
10. Low Impulsivity (able to control cravings & urges, delay gratification, and tolerate frustration)
[There is a test here for these 10 traits, called the Healthy Personality Scale (HPS).]
[1,4&6 sound like MBTT 'Feeling' (F), 2,3&10 sound like MBTT 'Sensing' and/or 'Judging' (S & J), 5 is 'Extraversion' (E), and 3&6-9 sound like the opposite of Neuroticism, or (-A) in the NERIS version of MBTT. So that list sounds like it is describing an ESFJ-A (or possibly an ENFJ-A), I guess the opposite INTP just got unlucky when they drew their letters.]
There is a University of Colorado study that compares the 16 Jungian MBTI personality types to Personality Disorders (PDs) and concludes that the MBTI letters I, N, T, and P are the ones most correlated with disorders. In fact, to be more specific, the only DSM-5 PD with a statistically significant correlation to Extroversion (E) or Feeling (F) was Histrionic PD while 6 PDs were correlated to Introversion (I) and 5 PDs were correlated to Thinking (T), and the only PD correlated to Sensing (S) or Judging (J) was Obsessive-Compulsive PD (OCPD) while 4 PDs were correlated to Intuition (N) and 3 PDs were correlated to Perceiving (P).
Some research suggests that high IQs are associated with mental and physical disorders.
So basically neurotic introverts and particularly any intelligent INTP's are just out of luck, right? Well at least they're less likely to have OCPD than their INTJ cousins, and maybe there are some benefits to being slightly crazy even if it makes someone unhappy. More seriously, everybody needs to 'play the cards' that life (or fate, the universe, or whatever you want to call it) deals them, which might include 'Introvert' or 'Low Empathy' or 'Socially Oblivious' (or even something like being genetically inclined to be a 'Sociopath' or worse yet, an engineer). [Raj, a character I created many years ago as a 'daemon' and villain essentially got 'dealt a hand' with 'Highly Intelligent' and 'Powerful', along with 'Introvert', 'No Empathy', 'Cruel Machiavellian Culture/Society', and 'Low Experience/Status'. At least he avoided getting dealt 'Narcissist' or 'Sadist'.]
Well regardless of the 'hand you were dealt', studies suggest cognitive factors (what one thinks about or consciously develops) play an important role in well-being so here are some things to work on that don't require changing your basic personality.
Five personality traits that are most predictive of well-being are:
1. Enthusiasm - People high in enthusiasm are friendly, sociable, emotionally expressive, and tend to have lots of fun.
2. Low Withdrawal - People high in withdrawal are easily discouraged and overwhelmed, and tend to ruminate and be self-conscious, as a result they are susceptible to depression and anxiety.
3. Industriousness - Industrious people are achievement-oriented, self-disciplined, efficient, purposeful, and competent; with passion and perseverance for long-term goals.
4. Compassion - Compassionate people feel and care about others' emotions and well-being.
5. Intellectual Curiosity - People with intellectual curiosity are open to new ideas, enjoy thinking deeply and complexly, and tend to reflect a lot on their experiences.
Two more traits that also help predict well-being are:
6. Assertiveness - positively related to autonomy in life (being independent and able to resist social pressures).
7. Creative Openness - appreciate beauty, daydreaming, imagination, fantasy, and feelings (correlated to personal growth and engagement).
[Not Predictive of Well-Being, either positively or negatively: Orderliness, Politeness, Volatility]
That's enough about personality. Next we'll look at some more cognitive factors and skills.
If we look at different models of well-being, happiness, eudaimonia, emotional resilience, mental health, and similar ideas, we will start to see many of the same ideas come up, though sometimes from different viewpoints or with some unique additions. I'm including several below to help show both the diversity and the essential similarities, and to provide lots of starting points to search for more since many articles have lots of links to related articles. There is no 'one correct way' to approach this subject, and I feel it is important for everyone to find something that works for themselves.
Well-being may be a better goal than just happiness, PERMAâ„¢ is one model of well-being that was used in the 11 dimensions of well-being above.
5 dimensions of life that define the PERMAâ„¢ Theory of Well-Being:
"P" is for positive emotion - find it by practicing gratitude, building hope and optimism
"E" is for engagement - fully using all your skills, strengths and attention on a challenging task
"R" is for relationships - healthy supportive relationships with others
"M" is for meaning - a sense of purpose from being part of something bigger than ourselves
"A" is for accomplishment - success and mastery of a skill or activity for its own sake
Albert J. Bernstein, PhD, in his self-help book Emotional Vampires says there are 3 essential attitudes needed to be mature and mentally healthy:
1. Perception of Control* - if you feel like you can control events to change outcomes, you'll tend learn and get better, rather than keep making the same mistakes over and over
2. Feeling of Connection - both to other people and to something greater than oneself, "The universe is a cold and empty place when there is nothing bigger in it than your own need."
3. Pursuit of Challenge - which forces us to grow
*[Note that this is opposite from 12-step programs and Roman Stoicism, which espouse an external locus of control (God or fate/determinism, respectively) and say we only fully control our decision to turn your life over to God or your own feelings about events, respectively]
Happiness is a bit different from well-being, so here are some notes specifically about happiness.
Philosophers since at least Socrates/Plato and the ancient Greek and Roman Stoics have cautioned against focusing solely on happy emotions as the ultimate good in life. History provides many examples of people who lived terrible lives (by the standards of others) but were nonetheless happy. Also, several philosophers and spiritual teachers believe that happiness cannot be pursued directly but rather is the result of the life one leads.
Being happier will help you live longer, so learn how to be happier or else
4 ingredients of happiness:
1. Optimism (looking on the bright side)
2. Satisfying social connections
3. Meaning and purpose
4. Spirituality
Here's one author's thoughts on how to be happier in life, which has several of the same ideas as the well-being articles, though he ends up focusing on a sense of control and setting/achieving goals and cultivating a perspective beyond oneself. His tips are:
1. Responsibility (take responsibility for everything in your life)
2. Courage (build a strong habit of)*
3. Goals (set and achieve small and attainable goals)
4. Internal Validation (minimize reliance on external validation)**
5. Perspective (beyond yourself) [hey, this sounds like 'quiet ego', see below]
* that's 1 of 4 Socratic Virtues, where's Wisdom, Temperance & Justice
** this author focuses on internal validation rather than good supportive relationships
Here's another perspective from an article about Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy.
3 4 things academic literature points to as the ingredients for happiness:
1. Autonomy - having the freedom to make life decisions independently.
2. Belonging - having meaningful social relationships.
3. Mastery - being good at whatever it is one spends one’s days doing.
4. Growth Mindset* - having an abundance mindset, thinking that 'the pie' (total resources available to divide among all) grows through cooperation.
*(Note: the last item may be more important than it appears at first glance, it is one of the very few things that an atheist libertarian Objectvist would probably agree about with conservative theists and progressive socialist collectivists and thus in essence it is a version of meaning and spirituality that can transcend theism and political agendas. "It is hard to overstate how different life in zero-sum and a positive-sum economy are.")
Heh, item 3 above may go beyond homo-sapiens, there is a study that indicates that using tools makes crows feel happy and optimistic, hinting that they feel the pleasure of accomplishment.
Here's another article listing 10 ways to be happy, which should be starting to look familiar by now if you're reading all of these.
Here are some notes on Emotional Intelligence or EQ:
Emotional Intelligence: The Social Skills You Weren't Taught in School
5 Skills to help you develop Emotional Intelligence (with lots of links).
Here's a good counterpoint that points out some downsides of high emotional intelligence. Also note that although having the ability to delay gratification is an important EQ skill, having too much is indicative of an unhealthy Personality Disorder.
Emotional resilience or mental toughness may be one of the more important aspects of 'Emotional Intelligence', since it can be difficult to remain happy in the face of adversity and setbacks and maintain one's well-being if one does not have emotional resilience. Here's more info about what that means and how it can be developed.
Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make a person resilient:
1. Positive attitude
2. Optimism
3. The ability to regulate emotions
4. The ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback
Emotional Resilience Is a Trait You Can Develop: Resilience is not a quality that you either do or do not possess; there are varying degrees of how well a person can handle stress (gasp, it exists on a continuum, just like everything in the soft/social sciences... including sarcasm).
8 Traits of Emotional Resilience:
1. Emotional Awareness: People with emotional awareness understand what they’re feeling and why. They also understand the feelings of others better because they are more in touch with their own inner life.
2. Perseverance: Whether they’re working toward outward goals or on inner coping strategies, they’re action-oriented — they trust in the process and don’t give up.
3. Internal Locus of Control: They believe that they, rather than outside forces, are in control of their own lives. This trait is associated with less stress because people with an internal locus of control and a realistic view of the world can be more proactive in dealing with stressors in their lives, more solution-oriented, and feel a greater sense of control, which brings less stress.*
4. Optimism: They see the positives in situations and believe in their strength. This shifts how they handle problems from a victim mentality to an empowered one, so more choices open up.
5. Support: While they tend to be strong individuals, they know the value of social support and can surround themselves with supportive friends and family.
6. Sense of Humor: People strong in emotional resilience can laugh at life’s difficulties. This can be a tremendous asset, as it shifts one's perspective from seeing things as a threat to seeing them as a challenge, and this alters how the body reacts to stress. They also get a good laugh more often, and this brings benefits as well.
7. Perspective: Resilient people can learn from their mistakes (rather than deny them), see obstacles as challenges, and allow adversity to make them stronger. They can also find meaning in life’s challenges rather than seeing themselves as victims.​
8. Spirituality: Being connected to your spiritual side has been linked with stronger emotional resilience, especially if you're internally connected and not just going through the motions of attending services, dharma talks, labyrinth walks, group meditations, solstice ceremonies, animal sacrifices, or whatever it is that someone considers spiritual.
*(Note that this is opposite from 12-step programs, which espouse an external locus of control (it is all in God's hands) and also from Greek/Roman Stoic philosophy (which espoused 'fate'), so it is also possible to have resilience with an external locus of control, it really just depends on how you approach it. Actually that oversimplifies the Stoic position about what mortals do have control over, but you can go learn about it yourself.)
Note that spirituality has been mentioned a few times, but spirituality isn't the same thing as religion, see Religion for the Nonreligious for an fun example of a very logical version of spirituality for atheists and agnostic rationalists, from a website where a large portion of the readers are INTJ's and INTP's. What Would Happen If Everyone Truly Believed Everything Is One? is another example of potentially humanistic 'spirituality'. Here is an article by a neuroscientist on spirituality.
5 Ways to build mental toughness:
1. Never confuse who you are with what you do: Make your self-worth independent from your accomplishments.
2. Master your inner dialogue: What you say to yourself matters more than what the entire world together says about you.
3. Learn to live in the moment: Hummm, I think some guy named Sid had some idea like that about 2600 years ago.
4. Fortify your village, then build a moat: Find people who will support you and distance yourself from toxic people who tear down your self-confidence.
5. Be prepared, be prepared, be prepared: You can practice visualization/meditation every day, affirm your key relationships, and minimize negative influences with just a few minutes each day.
12 Keys To A Great Self-Relationship:
1. Set intention and cultivate awareness. Set the overarching goal to keep moving toward a good relationship with yourself, with the understanding that what this entails will change over the years.
2. Plan for the short, middle, and long term. It is important to set priorities for different time frames. Having realistic goals, and setting milestones and steps for each goal, are proven ways to stay on the right track. Realize that motivation in the short term is often based on reward (for example, feeling great you started a new class you've always wanted to take), but over the longer haul, motivation becomes less exciting, and more about maintaining habits and avoiding dropping new behaviors. Therefore, blending novelty with long-term satisfaction is a good general recipe. The long-term rewards are an investment which comes due down the road—often just when you need them—but it can be easy to focus too much on immediate gratification.
3. Adopt an attitude of curiosity and acceptance. Recognize that change is inevitable*, and generally good to embrace without excess fear. Be wary of making changes, however, which have not been fully explored, or making decisions which don't seem or feel right in some ways, or getting stuck in indecision.
*(well, philosophical speaking, change is either inevitable or impossible (monism) and that debate has been going on since about 500BC, heh, perhaps it is both which would imply a true contradiction is possible and Aristotelian logic is wrong)
4. Prioritize basic self-care. Sleep, nutrition, activity, rest, recreation, surfing FA, and mental habits are the foundations of sustainable self-care. These are the very basic behavioral building blocks which constitute having a good relationship with oneself. Being connected with one's body and providing for the body as a good custodian are crucial. The proper care of one's physical needs makes everything else work better and shows us on an ongoing basis that we actually care about ourselves.
5. Be kind to yourself. This doesn't mean "letting yourself off the hook" or shirking responsibility, but it does mean working toward appraising yourself without destructively aggressive criticism or blame. Work toward being kind and gentle, while also being candid and taking responsibility.
6. Seek others who fit your goals. In addition to being around people who treat you well, it's helpful to have relationships with others who also seek to have a good relationship with themselves, both because they are good models, and also because you can support one another in your efforts. It's impossible to completely avoid toxic people for most of us, so manage those relationships with care.
7. Cultivate realistically optimistic behavior. Perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking is the enemy of sustainable change, as well as a possible sign of OCPD or PPD. Setting goals we can achieve, and building on them, is a standard and effective method.
8. Have a personal crisis plan. Sometimes life deals us a really bad hand, or we make a decision which we regret and hate ourselves for. At these times, it's helpful to have a personal crisis plan. The simplest plan is to expect these times may come and be prepared with ways of understanding how we are feeling, which keep us focused on long-term intentions and goals while dealing with the immediate issue. Writing down our thoughts for this eventuality and referring to them, and having a couple of close people available for such times to help keep things in perspective, can be very effective. If you know you tend to reject help at such times, stay on top of that, because it is the thread which causes everything else to unravel.
9. Maintain meaningful activity. Rather than having a static definition of success, work toward having regular activities which provide satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. Work is important, and not everyone has a job they love, but it is important to find ways to make it meaningful. Having a sense of integrity for the quality of one's own work can be a personal standard that lends meaning to a job which is not that engaging. Likewise for activities outside of work: hobbies, recreation, and volunteer activities, as well as meaningful personal and love relationships. Your own mind can be a source of fascination and entertainment (within reason).
10. Establish good habits. Start your day in such a way that you increase the likelihood of having a day which supports your self-relationship goals. Some people find it useful to write down daily goals the night before and review them first thing in the morning. Others hold these ideas in mind and can review them mentally. Regardless, within a short time after waking, remind yourself of your long-term intentions and goals, review key practices you want for that specific day, and rehearse how you want to address problematic activities in your day. Things don't need to all be planned out and tightly controlled—spontaneity is critical—but it's good to keep our intentions and goals in mind so that we can behave in ways which further them. (more info: goals vs habits & Habit by William James)
11. Speak differently to yourself. If you tend to speak harshly to yourself (out loud or in your head), when you notice you are doing that, learn to interrupt the action and take a reflective step back. Notice how you feel—is your heart rate higher, do you feel agitated, are you speaking fast and critically with yourself? Think about slowing down and being kind and gentle with yourself, let yourself calm down, reappraise the situation, and try again.
12. Avoid the "selfish trap". A good number of us are raised to see practically anything to do with taking care of ourselves as bad and, specifically, "selfish." Of course, being overly self-centered is problematic for relationships, and ultimately self-destructive [yes Raj we're talking about you]. We may think everything for ourselves is an indulgence and a luxury. Some actual luxuries are great from time to time, and one should feel grateful and lucky to have such opportunities, because they aren't always there.
Having a good relationship with yourself isn't the same as having a big ego, in fact here are some tips on having a 'quiet ego' which will help you in relationships with others as well (see also: Transcending Self-Interest:Psychological Explorations of the Quiet Ego by Heidi A. Wayment, PhD, and Jack J. Bauer, PhD).
4 traits of people with a 'quiet ego':
1. Detached Awareness. An engaged, non-defensive attention to the present moment, being aware of both the positive and negatives of a situation, and being detached from ego-driven evaluations of the present moment, but rather, attempting to see reality as clearly as possible. This requires openness and acceptance to whatever one might discover about the self or others in the present moment, and letting the moment unfold as naturally as possibly. It also involves the ability to revisit thoughts and feelings that have already occurred, examine them more objectively than perhaps one was able to in the moment, and make the appropriate adjustments that will lead to further growth.
2. Inclusive Identity. People whose egos are turned down in volume have a balanced or more integrative interpretation of the self and others. They understand other perspectives in a way that allows them to identify with the experience of others, break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity. An ability to be mindful, and the detached awareness that comes with it, can help facilitate an inclusive identity, especially under moments of conflict, such as having one’s identity or core values challenged. If your identity is inclusive, you’re likely to be cooperative and compassionate toward others rather than only working to help yourself.
3. Perspective-Taking. Reflecting on other viewpoints (for instance looking at a situation from others who are involved or from the viewpoints of several different RPG characters) helps bring attention outside the self, increasing empathy and compassion. Perspective taking and inclusive identity are intimately intertwined, as either one can trigger the other. For instance, the realization of one’s interdependence with others can lead to a greater understanding of the perspective of others.
4. Growth-Mindedness. A concern for prosocial development and change for self and others over time causes those with a quiet ego (or an ageless lifespan) to question the long-term impact of their actions in the moment, and to view the present moment as part of an ongoing life journey instead of a threat to one’s self and existence. Growth-mindedness and perspective taking complement each other nicely, as a growth stance toward the moment clears a space for understanding multiple perspectives. Growth-mindedness is also complementary to detached awareness, as both are focused on dynamic processes rather than evaluation of the final product.
There's also the concept of self-actualization that originated from the work of Abraham Maslow. Here is a quick example of an updated version of 10 characteristics of self-actualization:
1. Continued Freshness of Appreciation
2. Self Acceptance
3. Authenticity
4. Equanimity
5. Purpose
6. Efficient Perception of Reality
7. Humanitarianism
8. Peak Experiences
9. Good Moral Intuition
10. Creative Spirit
However, after all of the different models and articles above, I thought I'd save this one for last, since it is a well-documented and long-running study that specifically identifies the ONE thing that is MOST important for health and happiness. The longest running study on adult development, health, and happiness has shown that the most significant predictor of adult happiness is: "The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."
Since they're so important, here's a few more tidbits on how to have good relationships.
Having good boundaries is very important.
3 core skills for healthy relationships:
1. Insight.
2. Mutuality.
3. Emotion regulation.
10 Things Incredibly Likable People Never, Ever Do:
1. They don’t blame.
2. They don’t control.
3. They don’t try to impress.
4. They don’t cling.
5. They don’t interrupt (and have other good listening skills).
6. They don’t whine.
7. They don’t criticize.
8. They don’t preach.
9. They don’t live in the past.
10. They don’t let fear hold them back.
Here's an article with a simple flowchart to solving relationship problems. Here's a teaser:
QUESTION #1: Are you trying to change the other person or are they trying to change you?
QUESTION #2: Are you trying to prove your worth to the other person?
QUESTION #3: Are you both willing to compromise?
QUESTION #4: Is the pain of compromise worse than losing the relationship?
QUESTION #5: Is the conflict something you can live with?
Learning about different personality types can be quite helpful in relating to and establishing relationships with other people. There are several different models of personality in popular psychology and all of them get argued and debated over. Various two factor systems with 4 temperaments (or the many variations going back to ancient Greece), various versions of Jung's four factor system with 16 types (yeah, that four letter thing), the factorless 9 Enneagram types, and the five factor Big Five (OCEAN) model, as well as the six factor HEXACO model, are all used.
It is useful to know your own personality type and those of important people in your life (e.g. parents, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, dates, figs, spouse, children, pets; ok maybe I'm joking about figs and pets). However it is more important to know if they have a psychological problem, such as a personality disorder (PD), because that will have a greater affect on their behavior and how you need to relate to them than their underlying personality type. I'll post separate Journals about psychological problems and about personality types.
That's all for now. I will probably update this periodically. Feel free to recommend new links.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I think I'll call this journal "Mental Health Meditations" after the private self-help notes/journal of Stoic Philosopher and Roman Emperor (from 161-180AD) Marcus Aurelius which is typically titled Meditations, and is an excellent, ancient but timeless, thin personal self-help book by the "Last of the Five Good Roman Emperors".
Lots of people feel somewhat depressed during winter, the more serious form is called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and there is lots of advice out there on how to deal with it.
Well, winter or not, I'd certainly like to be happy more often and I thought it would be good to know exactly how to achieve that, but while looking at lots of articles I noticed that neither philosophers nor psychologists can seem to agree on what the word 'happiness' actually means and several researchers, philosophers, and authors thought well-being may be a better goal than just happiness. So what exactly does "well-being" mean? Debates about that go back a long time, to at least Plato's dialogue Philebus and the hedonic and eudaimonic conceptions of happiness that characterized the ancient Greek Epicurean and Stoic schools of philosophy, as well as the Buddhist concept of enlightenment and nirvana, and continue into the modern era with names like Mazlow and Jung. Here is some contemporary thinking on the subject:
Well-being
11 Dimensions of well-being, as defined in several popular modern models**:
1. High positive emotions (high frequency and intensity of positive moods and emotions)
2. Low negative emotions (low frequency and intensity of negative moods/emotions/depression)
3. Life satisfaction (a positive subjective cognitive evaluation of one's life)
4. Self-acceptance (Positive attitudes toward oneself, high core self-evaluation)
5. Environmental mastery (Ability to shape environments to suit one's needs and desires)
6. Personal growth (Continuing to develop, rather than stagnating; open to experiences)
7. Autonomy (Being independent and able to resist social pressures)
8. Positive relations (Having warm, satisfying, and trusting interpersonal relationships)
9. Purpose and meaning in life (A clear sense of direction and meaning in one's efforts*)
10. Engagement in life (being absorbed, interested, and involved in activities and life)
11. Accomplishment (goal progress and attainment; feelings of mastery, efficacy, and competence)
*or a connection to something greater than oneself, e.g. a community, culture, or spirituality
**Note: Here's some background info I found, feel free to skip it if you're not obsessively analytical. The first 3 numbers (1, 2, 3) with the underlined items are some of the most obvious and appear in some of the older modern models and theories from
Here's a small 'wall of text' you can skip if you want. Upon personal reflection on the 11 dimensions of well-being listed above (which is admittedly a somewhat arbitrary starting point) and looking at the other models and articles that follow (and taking into account various philosophical and spiritual systems), my own thoughts were as follows: The underlined items (1-3) may define happiness or well-being but they cannot easily/effectively pursued directly (except perhaps for choosing optimism for 1 or taking anti-depressants for 2, LOL) and are really the results of 4-11, or more generally of a life well-lived. I view 4, 5 and 6 (Self-acceptance, Environmental mastery, and Personal growth) as mostly being combined with or a consequence of 11 (Accomplishment of goals), if one sets goals and makes progress towards them then that should provide relevant personal growth and environmental mastery as well as result in feelings of self-acceptance. However I decided to keep 6 (Personal growth) because it is core to my values and worldview. I see 5 (Environmental mastery) as the result of one of a pair of coping strategies where "adversities in life can be overcome either by actively changing life circumstances to personal preferences (assimilative coping) or by adjusting personal preferences and goals to given situational constraints (accomodative coping)" (see pg291) where 11 (Accomplishment of goals) reflects assimilative coping and accomodative coping is a sort of the remaining part of 3-5 that cannot be combined with other items, reflecting the willing acceptance of things that cannot be changed (which might include everything if you followed the idea of 'fate' like the Stoics or 'hard determinism' like Spinoza), so I replaced Self-acceptance with just Acceptance as a new 4. For myself, I see 7 (Autonomy) as a result of 9 (Purpose and meaning in life) and an important modifier to 8 (Positive relations), I would not want to achieve positive relations with others merely by giving in to social pressures or compromising on my own purpose and meaning (ethics), but that is a personal choice which makes 8 (Positive relations) somewhat more difficult. I like 8-11, which are in both the PERMAâ„¢ and Subjective Well-Being model. For me Intellectual Curiosity and Creativity are part of 9 (Purpose and meaning in life). I'm not sure if I want to give Spirituality its own number so I included Quiet Ego instead, which was reflective of some of my views on spirituality (replacing 5, Environmental mastery, that I considered to be a part of 11, Accomplishment of goals). I filled in the remaining unused numbers (1-3) with information from all the articles below that seemed important and to fit well in that spot in the list, and I expanded the definitions of the 11 using other items from below. That gives me a personal list of 11 things that is a hybrid of well-being, happiness, resilience, quiet ego, etc. that currently looks like this:
My 11 factors of mental health:
1. Realistic optimism (Looking on the bright side, positive attitude, enthusiasm, viewing failure as a form of helpful feedback*, maintaining perspective, having a sense of humor, hope, having a growth/abundance mindset)
2. Physical functioning (Establish good physical habits; Basic self-care and physical needs: nutrition, operating fluids, sleep, exercise, dealing with any chemical imbalances that affect mood, salubrious sanitation; see to these needs as a high priority continuous/repeating goal until it becomes habit)
3. Mental functioning (Establish good mental habits, emotional awareness, ability to regulate emotions, EQ, visualization, meditation, be kind to yourself, practice gratitude)
4. Acceptance (Accommodative coping, willingly accepting the parts of self, physical function, mental functioning and environment that cannot be changed... and the wisdom to know which those are, so you don't try to set goals for them)
5. Quiet ego (detached awareness, inclusive identity, perspective-taking, growth-mindedness; be realistic about objective reality; avoid being overly selfish or completely selfless - take the middle path or temperance; be able to look from different perspectives; take the long view; humility)
6. Personal growth (Continuing to develop... or just try something different, or even regress for that matter, anything is better than stagnating; be open to experiences; engage in the pursuit of challenge which forces oneself to grow)
7. Autonomy (Being independent and able to resist social pressures; assertiveness; social courage)
8. Positive relations (Having warm, satisfying, and trusting interpersonal relationships, compassion, a sense of belonging, and a commitment to growth through cooperation and reciprocity; while avoiding toxic people)
9. Purpose and meaning in life (A clear sense of direction and meaning in one's efforts; spirituality, being part of something bigger than ourselves, intellectual curiosity, creativity)
10. Engagement in life (being absorbed, interested, and involved in activities and life, at its best - 'flow'; industrious, not withdrawing, and creative openness)
11. Accomplishment (Assimilative coping; goal progress and attainment, including goals for personal growth and environmental mastery; feelings of mastery, efficacy, and competence; if a sapient being doesn't have goals for the future and just reacts to events/stimulus then it is effectively just behaving like an 'animal')
*note that simply responding to failure with more optimism is 'insanity' and I have made a choice that I'd rather attempt to have an 'accurate' view of objective reality and be unhappy if necessary than live in a fantasy world of unwarranted optimism, feedback needs to be responded to or in my opinion I'd be violating items 5, 6, 9, 10, and 11.
I may change my list over time and there's nothing 'magical' about having 11 items. You don't have to use my list of mental health items, I just included it as an example of how to look at all of this information and pick which pieces seem to work for you. Different people probably don't experience the physical world or the 'realm of ideas' (abstracts) in quite the same way and the happiness or well-being research I found doesn't adequately address differences in personality types or individuals yet. Have fun making your own list, or taking one from an authority you trust, or whatever your friends are doing, or whatever your own personal strategy is. Now I'll show where I got all of that other information I put into my list and the other sorts of articles and models I looked at.
Healthy Personality (for well-being)
Since I'm going to use the word 'personality' I'd better define it: Personality is the non-physical, behavioral qualities that allow differentiation between different beings and are reasonably stable over time without some traumatic external event. [I'm sure there's a better definition somewhere]
Personality is one of the most consistent predictors of subjective well-being. It has been shown repeatedly that the two major personality traits in the Big Five (OCEAN) model most predictive of well-being are:
1. High extroversion (which studies of twins indicate is ~50% genetic)
2. Low neuroticism
There have been attempts to correlate these to the first two of the 11 factors of well-being at the top, respectively. The correlation of high extroversion to high positive emotions is, well, very high. The correlation of high neuroticism to high negative emotions was so high that some researchers equated them.
Other less consistent predictors include: Self-esteem (western cultures), Relationship harmony (some eastern cultures), Optimism, Expectancy for control, Positive illusions (yep, self delusion), Not ruminating on negative events, How one approaches comparing oneself to others, Realistic aspirations, Movement towards aspirations, Having intrinsic aspirations (e.g. personal growth or enlightenment) rather than extrinsic aspirations (e.g. wealth and fame), Not obsessing on outcomes, Setting compatible goals appropriate to one's motivations and needs and that are valued by one's culture or sub-culture, Satisfactory employment, Having time and resources for leisure activities, Mature cognitive coping strategies and skills. You'll see some of those among the other nine of 11 factors at the top as well as in the notes and articles below. Some factors unrelated to well-being were: Education (when separated from income), Intelligence (yep, being 'smart' doesn't necessarily make someone happier).
Here is what another article about having a healthy personality says was emerging as a consensus in the mid-20th century:
- More positive than negative emotions in daily life
- Openness and flexibility of emotional expression
- Trust in one's own experience
- Self-acceptance
- Resistance to stress
- Healthy self-assertion
- Responsibility and competence
- Warm, authentic connection to others
It then identifies the following ten traits of a '21st century view of a healthy personality profile':
1. Openness to Feelings (experiencing deeper and more differentiated emotional states)
2. Straightforwardness (frank, sincere, ingenuous; avoids flattery, craftiness, or deception)
3. Competence (feeling capable, sensible, prudent, effective, and well-prepared to deal with life)
4. Warmth (affectionate, friendly, easily forms close attachments; not formal, reserved, distant)
5. Positive Emotions
6. Low Angry Hostility
7. Low Anxiety
8. Low Depression
9. Low Vulnerability to Stress
10. Low Impulsivity (able to control cravings & urges, delay gratification, and tolerate frustration)
[There is a test here for these 10 traits, called the Healthy Personality Scale (HPS).]
[1,4&6 sound like MBTT 'Feeling' (F), 2,3&10 sound like MBTT 'Sensing' and/or 'Judging' (S & J), 5 is 'Extraversion' (E), and 3&6-9 sound like the opposite of Neuroticism, or (-A) in the NERIS version of MBTT. So that list sounds like it is describing an ESFJ-A (or possibly an ENFJ-A), I guess the opposite INTP just got unlucky when they drew their letters.]
There is a University of Colorado study that compares the 16 Jungian MBTI personality types to Personality Disorders (PDs) and concludes that the MBTI letters I, N, T, and P are the ones most correlated with disorders. In fact, to be more specific, the only DSM-5 PD with a statistically significant correlation to Extroversion (E) or Feeling (F) was Histrionic PD while 6 PDs were correlated to Introversion (I) and 5 PDs were correlated to Thinking (T), and the only PD correlated to Sensing (S) or Judging (J) was Obsessive-Compulsive PD (OCPD) while 4 PDs were correlated to Intuition (N) and 3 PDs were correlated to Perceiving (P).
Some research suggests that high IQs are associated with mental and physical disorders.
So basically neurotic introverts and particularly any intelligent INTP's are just out of luck, right? Well at least they're less likely to have OCPD than their INTJ cousins, and maybe there are some benefits to being slightly crazy even if it makes someone unhappy. More seriously, everybody needs to 'play the cards' that life (or fate, the universe, or whatever you want to call it) deals them, which might include 'Introvert' or 'Low Empathy' or 'Socially Oblivious' (or even something like being genetically inclined to be a 'Sociopath' or worse yet, an engineer). [Raj, a character I created many years ago as a 'daemon' and villain essentially got 'dealt a hand' with 'Highly Intelligent' and 'Powerful', along with 'Introvert', 'No Empathy', 'Cruel Machiavellian Culture/Society', and 'Low Experience/Status'. At least he avoided getting dealt 'Narcissist' or 'Sadist'.]
Well regardless of the 'hand you were dealt', studies suggest cognitive factors (what one thinks about or consciously develops) play an important role in well-being so here are some things to work on that don't require changing your basic personality.
Five personality traits that are most predictive of well-being are:
1. Enthusiasm - People high in enthusiasm are friendly, sociable, emotionally expressive, and tend to have lots of fun.
2. Low Withdrawal - People high in withdrawal are easily discouraged and overwhelmed, and tend to ruminate and be self-conscious, as a result they are susceptible to depression and anxiety.
3. Industriousness - Industrious people are achievement-oriented, self-disciplined, efficient, purposeful, and competent; with passion and perseverance for long-term goals.
4. Compassion - Compassionate people feel and care about others' emotions and well-being.
5. Intellectual Curiosity - People with intellectual curiosity are open to new ideas, enjoy thinking deeply and complexly, and tend to reflect a lot on their experiences.
Two more traits that also help predict well-being are:
6. Assertiveness - positively related to autonomy in life (being independent and able to resist social pressures).
7. Creative Openness - appreciate beauty, daydreaming, imagination, fantasy, and feelings (correlated to personal growth and engagement).
[Not Predictive of Well-Being, either positively or negatively: Orderliness, Politeness, Volatility]
That's enough about personality. Next we'll look at some more cognitive factors and skills.
Various ideas, theories and models
If we look at different models of well-being, happiness, eudaimonia, emotional resilience, mental health, and similar ideas, we will start to see many of the same ideas come up, though sometimes from different viewpoints or with some unique additions. I'm including several below to help show both the diversity and the essential similarities, and to provide lots of starting points to search for more since many articles have lots of links to related articles. There is no 'one correct way' to approach this subject, and I feel it is important for everyone to find something that works for themselves.
Well-being may be a better goal than just happiness, PERMAâ„¢ is one model of well-being that was used in the 11 dimensions of well-being above.
5 dimensions of life that define the PERMAâ„¢ Theory of Well-Being:
"P" is for positive emotion - find it by practicing gratitude, building hope and optimism
"E" is for engagement - fully using all your skills, strengths and attention on a challenging task
"R" is for relationships - healthy supportive relationships with others
"M" is for meaning - a sense of purpose from being part of something bigger than ourselves
"A" is for accomplishment - success and mastery of a skill or activity for its own sake
Albert J. Bernstein, PhD, in his self-help book Emotional Vampires says there are 3 essential attitudes needed to be mature and mentally healthy:
1. Perception of Control* - if you feel like you can control events to change outcomes, you'll tend learn and get better, rather than keep making the same mistakes over and over
2. Feeling of Connection - both to other people and to something greater than oneself, "The universe is a cold and empty place when there is nothing bigger in it than your own need."
3. Pursuit of Challenge - which forces us to grow
*[Note that this is opposite from 12-step programs and Roman Stoicism, which espouse an external locus of control (God or fate/determinism, respectively) and say we only fully control our decision to turn your life over to God or your own feelings about events, respectively]
Happiness is a bit different from well-being, so here are some notes specifically about happiness.
Philosophers since at least Socrates/Plato and the ancient Greek and Roman Stoics have cautioned against focusing solely on happy emotions as the ultimate good in life. History provides many examples of people who lived terrible lives (by the standards of others) but were nonetheless happy. Also, several philosophers and spiritual teachers believe that happiness cannot be pursued directly but rather is the result of the life one leads.
Being happier will help you live longer, so learn how to be happier or else
4 ingredients of happiness:
1. Optimism (looking on the bright side)
2. Satisfying social connections
3. Meaning and purpose
4. Spirituality
Here's one author's thoughts on how to be happier in life, which has several of the same ideas as the well-being articles, though he ends up focusing on a sense of control and setting/achieving goals and cultivating a perspective beyond oneself. His tips are:
1. Responsibility (take responsibility for everything in your life)
2. Courage (build a strong habit of)*
3. Goals (set and achieve small and attainable goals)
4. Internal Validation (minimize reliance on external validation)**
5. Perspective (beyond yourself) [hey, this sounds like 'quiet ego', see below]
* that's 1 of 4 Socratic Virtues, where's Wisdom, Temperance & Justice
** this author focuses on internal validation rather than good supportive relationships
Here's another perspective from an article about Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy.
1. Autonomy - having the freedom to make life decisions independently.
2. Belonging - having meaningful social relationships.
3. Mastery - being good at whatever it is one spends one’s days doing.
4. Growth Mindset* - having an abundance mindset, thinking that 'the pie' (total resources available to divide among all) grows through cooperation.
*(Note: the last item may be more important than it appears at first glance, it is one of the very few things that an atheist libertarian Objectvist would probably agree about with conservative theists and progressive socialist collectivists and thus in essence it is a version of meaning and spirituality that can transcend theism and political agendas. "It is hard to overstate how different life in zero-sum and a positive-sum economy are.")
Heh, item 3 above may go beyond homo-sapiens, there is a study that indicates that using tools makes crows feel happy and optimistic, hinting that they feel the pleasure of accomplishment.
Here's another article listing 10 ways to be happy, which should be starting to look familiar by now if you're reading all of these.
Here are some notes on Emotional Intelligence or EQ:
Emotional Intelligence: The Social Skills You Weren't Taught in School
5 Skills to help you develop Emotional Intelligence (with lots of links).
Here's a good counterpoint that points out some downsides of high emotional intelligence. Also note that although having the ability to delay gratification is an important EQ skill, having too much is indicative of an unhealthy Personality Disorder.
Emotional resilience or mental toughness may be one of the more important aspects of 'Emotional Intelligence', since it can be difficult to remain happy in the face of adversity and setbacks and maintain one's well-being if one does not have emotional resilience. Here's more info about what that means and how it can be developed.
Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make a person resilient:
1. Positive attitude
2. Optimism
3. The ability to regulate emotions
4. The ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback
Emotional Resilience Is a Trait You Can Develop: Resilience is not a quality that you either do or do not possess; there are varying degrees of how well a person can handle stress (gasp, it exists on a continuum, just like everything in the soft/social sciences... including sarcasm).
8 Traits of Emotional Resilience:
1. Emotional Awareness: People with emotional awareness understand what they’re feeling and why. They also understand the feelings of others better because they are more in touch with their own inner life.
2. Perseverance: Whether they’re working toward outward goals or on inner coping strategies, they’re action-oriented — they trust in the process and don’t give up.
3. Internal Locus of Control: They believe that they, rather than outside forces, are in control of their own lives. This trait is associated with less stress because people with an internal locus of control and a realistic view of the world can be more proactive in dealing with stressors in their lives, more solution-oriented, and feel a greater sense of control, which brings less stress.*
4. Optimism: They see the positives in situations and believe in their strength. This shifts how they handle problems from a victim mentality to an empowered one, so more choices open up.
5. Support: While they tend to be strong individuals, they know the value of social support and can surround themselves with supportive friends and family.
6. Sense of Humor: People strong in emotional resilience can laugh at life’s difficulties. This can be a tremendous asset, as it shifts one's perspective from seeing things as a threat to seeing them as a challenge, and this alters how the body reacts to stress. They also get a good laugh more often, and this brings benefits as well.
7. Perspective: Resilient people can learn from their mistakes (rather than deny them), see obstacles as challenges, and allow adversity to make them stronger. They can also find meaning in life’s challenges rather than seeing themselves as victims.​
8. Spirituality: Being connected to your spiritual side has been linked with stronger emotional resilience, especially if you're internally connected and not just going through the motions of attending services, dharma talks, labyrinth walks, group meditations, solstice ceremonies, animal sacrifices, or whatever it is that someone considers spiritual.
*(Note that this is opposite from 12-step programs, which espouse an external locus of control (it is all in God's hands) and also from Greek/Roman Stoic philosophy (which espoused 'fate'), so it is also possible to have resilience with an external locus of control, it really just depends on how you approach it. Actually that oversimplifies the Stoic position about what mortals do have control over, but you can go learn about it yourself.)
Note that spirituality has been mentioned a few times, but spirituality isn't the same thing as religion, see Religion for the Nonreligious for an fun example of a very logical version of spirituality for atheists and agnostic rationalists, from a website where a large portion of the readers are INTJ's and INTP's. What Would Happen If Everyone Truly Believed Everything Is One? is another example of potentially humanistic 'spirituality'. Here is an article by a neuroscientist on spirituality.
5 Ways to build mental toughness:
1. Never confuse who you are with what you do: Make your self-worth independent from your accomplishments.
2. Master your inner dialogue: What you say to yourself matters more than what the entire world together says about you.
3. Learn to live in the moment: Hummm, I think some guy named Sid had some idea like that about 2600 years ago.
4. Fortify your village, then build a moat: Find people who will support you and distance yourself from toxic people who tear down your self-confidence.
5. Be prepared, be prepared, be prepared: You can practice visualization/meditation every day, affirm your key relationships, and minimize negative influences with just a few minutes each day.
12 Keys To A Great Self-Relationship:
1. Set intention and cultivate awareness. Set the overarching goal to keep moving toward a good relationship with yourself, with the understanding that what this entails will change over the years.
2. Plan for the short, middle, and long term. It is important to set priorities for different time frames. Having realistic goals, and setting milestones and steps for each goal, are proven ways to stay on the right track. Realize that motivation in the short term is often based on reward (for example, feeling great you started a new class you've always wanted to take), but over the longer haul, motivation becomes less exciting, and more about maintaining habits and avoiding dropping new behaviors. Therefore, blending novelty with long-term satisfaction is a good general recipe. The long-term rewards are an investment which comes due down the road—often just when you need them—but it can be easy to focus too much on immediate gratification.
3. Adopt an attitude of curiosity and acceptance. Recognize that change is inevitable*, and generally good to embrace without excess fear. Be wary of making changes, however, which have not been fully explored, or making decisions which don't seem or feel right in some ways, or getting stuck in indecision.
*(well, philosophical speaking, change is either inevitable or impossible (monism) and that debate has been going on since about 500BC, heh, perhaps it is both which would imply a true contradiction is possible and Aristotelian logic is wrong)
4. Prioritize basic self-care. Sleep, nutrition, activity, rest, recreation, surfing FA, and mental habits are the foundations of sustainable self-care. These are the very basic behavioral building blocks which constitute having a good relationship with oneself. Being connected with one's body and providing for the body as a good custodian are crucial. The proper care of one's physical needs makes everything else work better and shows us on an ongoing basis that we actually care about ourselves.
5. Be kind to yourself. This doesn't mean "letting yourself off the hook" or shirking responsibility, but it does mean working toward appraising yourself without destructively aggressive criticism or blame. Work toward being kind and gentle, while also being candid and taking responsibility.
6. Seek others who fit your goals. In addition to being around people who treat you well, it's helpful to have relationships with others who also seek to have a good relationship with themselves, both because they are good models, and also because you can support one another in your efforts. It's impossible to completely avoid toxic people for most of us, so manage those relationships with care.
7. Cultivate realistically optimistic behavior. Perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking is the enemy of sustainable change, as well as a possible sign of OCPD or PPD. Setting goals we can achieve, and building on them, is a standard and effective method.
8. Have a personal crisis plan. Sometimes life deals us a really bad hand, or we make a decision which we regret and hate ourselves for. At these times, it's helpful to have a personal crisis plan. The simplest plan is to expect these times may come and be prepared with ways of understanding how we are feeling, which keep us focused on long-term intentions and goals while dealing with the immediate issue. Writing down our thoughts for this eventuality and referring to them, and having a couple of close people available for such times to help keep things in perspective, can be very effective. If you know you tend to reject help at such times, stay on top of that, because it is the thread which causes everything else to unravel.
9. Maintain meaningful activity. Rather than having a static definition of success, work toward having regular activities which provide satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. Work is important, and not everyone has a job they love, but it is important to find ways to make it meaningful. Having a sense of integrity for the quality of one's own work can be a personal standard that lends meaning to a job which is not that engaging. Likewise for activities outside of work: hobbies, recreation, and volunteer activities, as well as meaningful personal and love relationships. Your own mind can be a source of fascination and entertainment (within reason).
10. Establish good habits. Start your day in such a way that you increase the likelihood of having a day which supports your self-relationship goals. Some people find it useful to write down daily goals the night before and review them first thing in the morning. Others hold these ideas in mind and can review them mentally. Regardless, within a short time after waking, remind yourself of your long-term intentions and goals, review key practices you want for that specific day, and rehearse how you want to address problematic activities in your day. Things don't need to all be planned out and tightly controlled—spontaneity is critical—but it's good to keep our intentions and goals in mind so that we can behave in ways which further them. (more info: goals vs habits & Habit by William James)
11. Speak differently to yourself. If you tend to speak harshly to yourself (out loud or in your head), when you notice you are doing that, learn to interrupt the action and take a reflective step back. Notice how you feel—is your heart rate higher, do you feel agitated, are you speaking fast and critically with yourself? Think about slowing down and being kind and gentle with yourself, let yourself calm down, reappraise the situation, and try again.
12. Avoid the "selfish trap". A good number of us are raised to see practically anything to do with taking care of ourselves as bad and, specifically, "selfish." Of course, being overly self-centered is problematic for relationships, and ultimately self-destructive [yes Raj we're talking about you]. We may think everything for ourselves is an indulgence and a luxury. Some actual luxuries are great from time to time, and one should feel grateful and lucky to have such opportunities, because they aren't always there.
Having a good relationship with yourself isn't the same as having a big ego, in fact here are some tips on having a 'quiet ego' which will help you in relationships with others as well (see also: Transcending Self-Interest:Psychological Explorations of the Quiet Ego by Heidi A. Wayment, PhD, and Jack J. Bauer, PhD).
4 traits of people with a 'quiet ego':
1. Detached Awareness. An engaged, non-defensive attention to the present moment, being aware of both the positive and negatives of a situation, and being detached from ego-driven evaluations of the present moment, but rather, attempting to see reality as clearly as possible. This requires openness and acceptance to whatever one might discover about the self or others in the present moment, and letting the moment unfold as naturally as possibly. It also involves the ability to revisit thoughts and feelings that have already occurred, examine them more objectively than perhaps one was able to in the moment, and make the appropriate adjustments that will lead to further growth.
2. Inclusive Identity. People whose egos are turned down in volume have a balanced or more integrative interpretation of the self and others. They understand other perspectives in a way that allows them to identify with the experience of others, break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity. An ability to be mindful, and the detached awareness that comes with it, can help facilitate an inclusive identity, especially under moments of conflict, such as having one’s identity or core values challenged. If your identity is inclusive, you’re likely to be cooperative and compassionate toward others rather than only working to help yourself.
3. Perspective-Taking. Reflecting on other viewpoints (for instance looking at a situation from others who are involved or from the viewpoints of several different RPG characters) helps bring attention outside the self, increasing empathy and compassion. Perspective taking and inclusive identity are intimately intertwined, as either one can trigger the other. For instance, the realization of one’s interdependence with others can lead to a greater understanding of the perspective of others.
4. Growth-Mindedness. A concern for prosocial development and change for self and others over time causes those with a quiet ego (or an ageless lifespan) to question the long-term impact of their actions in the moment, and to view the present moment as part of an ongoing life journey instead of a threat to one’s self and existence. Growth-mindedness and perspective taking complement each other nicely, as a growth stance toward the moment clears a space for understanding multiple perspectives. Growth-mindedness is also complementary to detached awareness, as both are focused on dynamic processes rather than evaluation of the final product.
There's also the concept of self-actualization that originated from the work of Abraham Maslow. Here is a quick example of an updated version of 10 characteristics of self-actualization:
1. Continued Freshness of Appreciation
2. Self Acceptance
3. Authenticity
4. Equanimity
5. Purpose
6. Efficient Perception of Reality
7. Humanitarianism
8. Peak Experiences
9. Good Moral Intuition
10. Creative Spirit
However, after all of the different models and articles above, I thought I'd save this one for last, since it is a well-documented and long-running study that specifically identifies the ONE thing that is MOST important for health and happiness. The longest running study on adult development, health, and happiness has shown that the most significant predictor of adult happiness is: "The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period."
Good relationships
Since they're so important, here's a few more tidbits on how to have good relationships.
Having good boundaries is very important.
3 core skills for healthy relationships:
1. Insight.
2. Mutuality.
3. Emotion regulation.
10 Things Incredibly Likable People Never, Ever Do:
1. They don’t blame.
2. They don’t control.
3. They don’t try to impress.
4. They don’t cling.
5. They don’t interrupt (and have other good listening skills).
6. They don’t whine.
7. They don’t criticize.
8. They don’t preach.
9. They don’t live in the past.
10. They don’t let fear hold them back.
Here's an article with a simple flowchart to solving relationship problems. Here's a teaser:
QUESTION #1: Are you trying to change the other person or are they trying to change you?
QUESTION #2: Are you trying to prove your worth to the other person?
QUESTION #3: Are you both willing to compromise?
QUESTION #4: Is the pain of compromise worse than losing the relationship?
QUESTION #5: Is the conflict something you can live with?
Learning about different personality types can be quite helpful in relating to and establishing relationships with other people. There are several different models of personality in popular psychology and all of them get argued and debated over. Various two factor systems with 4 temperaments (or the many variations going back to ancient Greece), various versions of Jung's four factor system with 16 types (yeah, that four letter thing), the factorless 9 Enneagram types, and the five factor Big Five (OCEAN) model, as well as the six factor HEXACO model, are all used.
It is useful to know your own personality type and those of important people in your life (e.g. parents, family, friends, coworkers, bosses, dates, figs, spouse, children, pets; ok maybe I'm joking about figs and pets). However it is more important to know if they have a psychological problem, such as a personality disorder (PD), because that will have a greater affect on their behavior and how you need to relate to them than their underlying personality type. I'll post separate Journals about psychological problems and about personality types.
That's all for now. I will probably update this periodically. Feel free to recommend new links.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Merch Store
.