~FoxFire07

Hello, it's been a long time since I made one of these.

But I feel like I need to let things out of my chest, so here it goes.

I've made a lot of questionable actions, said a lot of questionable things in the past decade and a half in the community, granted I've changed in some aspects, and in some I still need work. I've crossed people, I've taken things for granted, I've ruined relationships and friendships, I've divided communities before... I've done a lot of things I regret, and to this day, it still haunts me. Every. Waking. Hour.

But it doesn't help the fact that some people have left those circles of mine without telling me what's going on, only left clues of what is going on with me yet ghost me or leave me without saying anything and remove me from their social circles without any explanation.

This stuff hurts me on a psychological and emotional level, because I have had trust issues with people. I aim to change that but it helps knowing what I did. I want to be better. I really do.

I've been struggling to be a better person the last 4 years since I took a change of mind, I've been trying to make amends for stuff I did in the past. But I get that some people don't want to see me be a miserable person and hurting myself so they distance thsemlves from me. I can understand the dilema it carries.

But I'm not doing good mentally and emotionally, as of late. It is making me feel less and less of myself. And it is ironic that this is being said on the Ides of March. I feel like Julius Caesar and I'm waiting to see who is Brutus in this instance. Paranoia and atychiphobia is crawling up in a not so good way. I've tried to help people to show they can change, and in the end I've only ended up hurting myself.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm extremely demoralized and extremely discouraged to do anything anymore. I've been trying to get on medication to help with my ADHD and it doesn't work. I've been trying to get social cues to be better at socializing but I'm socializing a lot less than I used to. I can't even stay focused on doing things for the community without distracting myself with silly stuff.

I'm broken. And I don't expect people to sympathize, and I'm not asking for any of it. I'm just broken and lost, clueless. Close friends of mine give me advice and I just go over it, it's like I'm perpetually hurting myself because I think I deserve it.

I really, really appreciate everyone who's been there for me. Even those who have left due to my own demise and have tried to help me. I will never forget those who have been guiding me and giving me their best and making my life just a little more bearable to live with.

My life of controversies and moral grey areas has dissipated and I just want to get along with everyone at this point. I don't care about drama anymore, and I definitely don't care about what people do at this point. I'm just going to be extremely neutral to everything and take no sides and be indifferent about everything... because every time I do I just end up in a divide and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and conflicted.

I want to apologize to everyone I've made uncomfortable and unhappy. Just know I never meant any of it and that I've a long way to improve myself. Socially, I am inept. And I have no clue how to maintain healthy relationships.

I am going to just leave alone the people that have decided to leave me to my own devices, I respect their choices, and I will allow them to reconnect with me on their own pace and volition. Moving on is all I can do, and I wish them the best.

It would be very difficult for me to put all the events I remember in one journal post... But all I can say is: I was a bad egg once, I still think I am a bad egg no matter how many times people tell me otherwise, but that's my low self-esteem talking... I'm just glad I've had friends and people come and show me how wrong I am most of the time, without them I wouldn't have made it this far. I have considered just taking a leave of absence from everything, but I'm afraid of leaving everything and be left even more alone.

So I really, really appreciate all you all have done for me, even if I had wronged you I still appreciate you, and if I have offended you, I do truly apologize and hope you can forgive me, though I can understand and respect if you cannot or will not.

If I'm not being very clear in this journal it's because I'm pouring out sentence after sentence on how I feel, and it's disorganized. So I apologize for that. I

Thank you for taking the time to hear me babble about myself.