Joe R. Lansdale > Quotes

“ A day without the sun is like you know, night


”
― Joe

“Let me tell you, if you have never seen an agitated squirrel you have seen very little, nor have you heard much, because the sound of an angry squirrel is not to be forgotten.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Bad Chili

“Hallowed be thy name, oh Lord -- and shotgun do your stuff”
― Joe R. Lansdale

“Only our memories allow that some people ever existed. That they mattered, or mattered too much.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, The Bottoms

“Don't try to skin your rabbit and keep it as a pet too.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, The Two-Bear Mambo

“They might have been all-right people doing the best they could, but I got to tell you, you got a dead cat lying in your yard you ought to bury it. That’s my motto.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Devil Red

“I thanked him and he asked me if my cape got caught on stuff when I was running and jumping, and I said, "Sometimes.”
― Joe R. Lansdale

“You need to read some Agatha Christie, man.

Why? Am I being punished?”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Bad Chili

“Ever notice how Christians quote the Old Testament more then the New Testament? That's so they can say mean things, talk bad about the queers and such. New Testament, that's the Christian book. The stuff in red, that's Jesus talk. That's what they're supposed to live their life by, but, no, they like the God of the Old Testament, the mean, judgmental one, before he was on Zoloft.”
― Joe R Lansdale

“It was the kind of talk that made me want to break off a limb and take to whacking her and that bunch of hypocrites across the back of the head.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Edge of Dark Water

“I get the whole lost-your-parents thing. Been there. But that don’t have to turn you stupid. That’s a choice, like wearing green stretch pants.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Hyenas

“Over-confidence is the way to give your soul to the devil an inch at a time.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Savage Season

“The sun, like a boil on the bright blue ass of day, rolled gradually forward and spread its legs wide to reveal the pubic thatch of night, a hairy darkness in which stars crawled like lice, and the moon crabbed slowly upward like an albino dog tick striving for the anal gulch.”
― Joe R. Lansdale

“I thought I had the world by the tail. It took me a few years to realize the closest I was to having the world by the tail was being a dingle berry on one of its ass hairs.”
― Joe R. Lansdale

“That first loving kiss, the one that comes out of you from the source of your personal river, and the one that comes from her that is the same, there's never another moment like it; never another flame that burns so hot. It can never be that good again, ever. All manner of goodness can come after, but it's different. And that's a good thing, because if we burned that hot for too long, we'd be nothing but ash.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Paradise Sky

“Skittles: the fun,colorful candy to eat, but even funner to throw at old people.
=]

(yes I know funner isn't a word)”
― Joe

“I got something to say to you, big shot."

"Say it, then," I said, "while I'm used to the drone of your voice. I'd rather not get acclimated again.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Savage Season

“It's over with, " Raul said, " You did all you could. You've got this tough-guy image. It's out of date. We fags, we don't have to do that. It's not in our makeup."

"What's in my makeup is in my makeup," Leonard said. "I'm a man. I got balls. So do you. I like balls. I like your balls, but I'm still a man and I got to feel like a man. Maybe I'm some kind of anomaly or something. I don't know. I don't get it. But I like a man acts like a man without thinking it's being a bully. I can't explain it him, Hap. Can you?”
― Joe R. Lansdale, The Two-Bear Mambo

“[T]hose who refuse to consider what they do are cloaked in the shadow of stupidity, but they enjoy the shade. It is cool and comfortable there.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, The Thicket

“I like ambition. I like someone who gets up in the morning and has a purpose. A real purpose. I have one. I want whoever I love to have one."
"I always look forward to breakfast.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“That's love for you. When it's good, it's magic. When it isn't, it just pees all in your soup.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Honky Tonk Samurai

“I’m so bored I could sing to my dick.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Cold In July

“It's one thing to wave at the Devil from afar, quite another to shake the bastard's hand.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Rumble Tumble

“Everything is humorous," said Shorty, "except your own death. But other people will laugh.”
― Joe R. Lansdale

“E non mi venne in mente che anche il più rapace degli uccelli, il laniere, è capace di cantare.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Savage Season

“Yeah, things are better for blacks and women and gays, but it was the blacks and women and gays that did it, not fuck-ups like this bunch. Whites and straights came along to give help, all right, after the blacks said ‘enough’ and got their heads busted, and it’s the same for the gays and the women. The whites and straights, they control things, and they could have changed it anytime.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Savage Season

“‎He decided quite suddenly, having kept fairly good record on the calendar, that tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and zombies be damned. The Christmas lights were going up.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Best New Horror 22

“Far as I knew, closest she'd gotten to art was a drafting table and dressing mannequins in store windows, and the closest I'd gotten to saving the world was my name on some petitions, for everything from recycling aluminum cans to saving the whales. I put my cans in the trash now, and I didn't know how the whales we're doing.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Savage Season

“There's no one more obnoxious and self-righteous than the self-made man. And no one more admirable.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Mucho Mojo

“- Hai finito di fare lo stronzo con me adesso?
- Quasi. Tutto ciò che ho da dire è che non puoi fare il paladino degli oppressi di professione. Si, le cose sono migliorate per i neri e le donne e i gay, ma è stato grazie ai neri, alle donne e ai gay, non alle teste di cazzo come questo gruppetto qui. I bianchi e gli etero sono arrivati per dare una mano, va bene, dopo che i neri hanno detto "basta" e sono stati presi a botte in testa, e lo stesso vale per i gay e le donne. Sono i bianchi e gli etero che controllano le cose, e le avrebbero potute cambiare in ogni momento.”
― Joe R. Lansdale