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Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters
With Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of the smash #1 bestseller Toxic Parents, offers a powerful look at the devastating impact unloving mothers have on their daughters—and provides clear, effective techniques for overcoming that painful legacy.
In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.
Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse.
Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests.
Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.
In more than 35 years as a therapist, Forward has worked with large numbers of women struggling to escape the emotional damage inflicted by the women who raised them. Subjected to years of criticism, competition, role-reversal, smothering control, emotional neglect and abuse, these women are plagued by anxiety and depression, relationship problems, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust. They doubt their worth, and even their ability to love.
Forward examines the Narcissistic Mother, the Competitive Mother, the Overly Enmeshed mother, the Control Freak, Mothers who need Mothering, and mothers who abuse or fail to protect their daughters from abuse.
Filled with compelling case histories, Mothers Who Can’t Love outlines the self-help techniques Forward has developed to transform the lives of her clients, showing women how to overcome the pain of childhood and how to act in their own best interests.
Warm and compassionate, Mothers Who Can’t Love offers daughters the emotional support and tools they need to heal themselves and rebuild their confidence and self-respect.
304 pages, ebook
First published October 1, 2014
About the author
Susan Forward
25 books572 followersOne of the nation’s leading therapists, as well as a best selling author, dynamic lecturer and frequent talk-show guest. In addition to her private practice, she has served as a therapist, instructor and consultant for many Southern California psychiatric and medical facilities. She is the author of the #1 New York Times best sellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents. She also hosted her own nationally syndicated program on ABC Talk Radio for six years.
from http://www.susanforward.com
from http://www.susanforward.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 425 reviews
November 19, 2013
I want to recommend this to every daughter who feels broken and ashamed and guilty, and those of us who keep hearing the "if only I was better, she would be this way" or the "why can't I just forgive her and move on?" and to those of us who cut her off,and to those of us who were told to just get over it, and to those of us who were told by our families we were the selfish ones. I think this book helped me process a lot of my feelings, and it helped to know I was not alone, and that I could control my own fate. It felt good to hear someone else say "Just because she's your mother, doesn't mean she is right or good for you."
Remember, you are better stronger and more courageous than she told you.
Remember, you are better stronger and more courageous than she told you.
August 1, 2014
Look, I'm not going to hold a burial for my "fantasy mother," nor am I going to do role-play exercises with my therapist. That's not my bag. HOWEVER, the very practical approaches and advice herein are awesome, grounding, and affirming. Half of the book describes various types of narcissistic mothers: from your garden variety selfish diva to Mommy Dearest. Mind you, the book is covering narcissists -- what else is up with these breeders (personality disorders, etc) who the hell knows. The second half deals with how to either set up appropriate boundaries or break off entirely. Also, there's a lagniappe chapter on infirm, old, senile, bedwetting parents -- they're still mean, but now doddering on top of it all. Which, of course, can make said daughter lose the boundaries. Not a good idea. Forward is totally pro; she iterates more than once to get thee to a therapist. The book can't do it all. But it helps. Lord have mercy. I'm reading self help books.
January 1, 2014
This book is a breath of fresh air for women struggling with their relationships with their mothers. I've often felt that we live in a society that puts mothers on a pedestal and turns a blind eye to the negative effects that bad mothering has on children, especially female children who will be future mothers. Books like this one are a step in the right direction for women looking to improve their lives and relationships, and for those hoping to break cycles of abuse. You don't have to be the victim of an unloving mother to learn from this book. It may just help aid you in your understanding and compassion for other women. Or, it may just open your eyes to a well guarded secret. Either way, you'll be a better person for having read it.
September 10, 2017
I strongly believe there are books you read, that are going to change you, in some ways.
This book has been tough for me to read, 'cause it sure did reopened some wounds. But at the same time, it was the silent hug that I needed so bad, and never had.
The only thing that kind of made me cringe, is the title. I think it's a bit harsh; there could have been a different title, but y'know, it is what it is, and I guess there are mothers out there who don't really know how to healthily love their child.
One thing I particularly love about Susan Forward's book is her ability not to BLAME your parent. She explains how the toxic environment/relationship can affect you, and through her words, she makes you feel like ''yeah, I've been abused, but I will be ok. I'm not the only one in this case, and someone is there for me.'' It may only be my point of view, but the bottom line is; this book made me feel a bit safe about my situation. And I loved every second of it!
This book has been tough for me to read, 'cause it sure did reopened some wounds. But at the same time, it was the silent hug that I needed so bad, and never had.
The only thing that kind of made me cringe, is the title. I think it's a bit harsh; there could have been a different title, but y'know, it is what it is, and I guess there are mothers out there who don't really know how to healthily love their child.
One thing I particularly love about Susan Forward's book is her ability not to BLAME your parent. She explains how the toxic environment/relationship can affect you, and through her words, she makes you feel like ''yeah, I've been abused, but I will be ok. I'm not the only one in this case, and someone is there for me.'' It may only be my point of view, but the bottom line is; this book made me feel a bit safe about my situation. And I loved every second of it!
September 21, 2023
A severe narcissist is highly unlikely to admit being wrong, no matter how egregious her behavior, and she'll say whatever she feels she must to portray herself as being in the right. She'll lie about what she has promised, lie about behavior that you've witnessed, and lie about what other people have said and done. Often...that involves not just lying, but also turning the tables and calling you a liar. She may throw you totally off balance by denying your every reality with lines like:
That never happened.
I never said that.
Are you sure you didn't dream this?
You have a vivid imagination.
Dr. Susan Forward, an authority on the emotional damage inflicted by difficult parents, has written a book that teases apart the threads of the traumatic mother-daughter bond. Her thirty-five years as a working therapist allow her to cut to the chase, delivering her assessment of this brutal dynamic in short, concise statements that astonish with their fundamental clarity. One wonders, as the pages turn, where she was hiding those many years ago. Because, clearly, she was in the room.
The first half of the work is devoted to the five types of damaging mother, of which yours, she assures, was likely an amalgam. From the severe narcissist to the overly-enmeshed, the control freak, the mother who needed mothering, and those who neglect, batter, and betray - each chapter nails both the looming figure and the residual effect of the experience. The second section offers methods to heal and tactics to take in this relationship that will secure a stronger and more resilient position for you in the future. (Mom, of course, will not be liking this. But such is the world and the wonders in it...)
A sharp, honest, and modestly amazing little tome.
That never happened.
I never said that.
Are you sure you didn't dream this?
You have a vivid imagination.
Dr. Susan Forward, an authority on the emotional damage inflicted by difficult parents, has written a book that teases apart the threads of the traumatic mother-daughter bond. Her thirty-five years as a working therapist allow her to cut to the chase, delivering her assessment of this brutal dynamic in short, concise statements that astonish with their fundamental clarity. One wonders, as the pages turn, where she was hiding those many years ago. Because, clearly, she was in the room.
The first half of the work is devoted to the five types of damaging mother, of which yours, she assures, was likely an amalgam. From the severe narcissist to the overly-enmeshed, the control freak, the mother who needed mothering, and those who neglect, batter, and betray - each chapter nails both the looming figure and the residual effect of the experience. The second section offers methods to heal and tactics to take in this relationship that will secure a stronger and more resilient position for you in the future. (Mom, of course, will not be liking this. But such is the world and the wonders in it...)
A sharp, honest, and modestly amazing little tome.
February 4, 2015
I have been in a relationship with an unloving mother for many years now. I hear myself back peddling and saying that she probably loved me in her own way, but that would excuse her behavior. Some people say "That's just the way she is and I have to accept that." But, I don't have to accept it!
In November, I set boundaries, but I am pretty sure that I did it wrong and I don't know if my relationship with my mother will ever recover, as she chose to simply ignore my boundaries and hasn't spoken to me since. (Pretty much textbook case of unloving mother, huh?) I do know that if I would have read this book beforehand, I could have done a much better job of setting boundaries and I would have known that Change starts with ME. Do I have to ever accept her behavior? NO. But, I can stand up for myself without reacting in a bad manner.
I learned a lot of bad habits from her and I know that when we get in a disagreement after I have had enough manipulation, I haven't reacted well and have been defensive and hurtful. This book really helped me put into perspective how to react to my mother. I need to be non-defensive, set boundaries, and live my own freaking life.
Book takeaways:
"Every daughter has a pivotal choice to make as the pain of her relationship with her mother continues to mount. She can struggle through the process of coming to terms with her feelings and use them to guide her to clarity and change. Or she can sit on those feeling and defend herself against the pain by acting in hurtful and inappropriate ways--just like her mother did."
The best thing that I have learned from this book, is that I am worth it and I don't have to repeat the cycle of unloving behavior that I learned from my childhood.
"Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism."
This is called boundaries. And per, Forward, it's probably not a good idea to put all your boundaries in place at once. Oops.
Boundaries that you keep to yourself, don't mean anything. "It becomes real when you clearly inform your mother of the new ground rules for your relationship with her, and then tell her when she's crossed the line and made you feel uncomfortable.."
When these types of boundaries are given, the unloving type of mother may be "threatened by your new found power, and she is certain to push back."
"It's common for many mothers to cast themselves as the victim when you begin to resist their unhealthy behavior." That's called manipulation!
In November, I set boundaries, but I am pretty sure that I did it wrong and I don't know if my relationship with my mother will ever recover, as she chose to simply ignore my boundaries and hasn't spoken to me since. (Pretty much textbook case of unloving mother, huh?) I do know that if I would have read this book beforehand, I could have done a much better job of setting boundaries and I would have known that Change starts with ME. Do I have to ever accept her behavior? NO. But, I can stand up for myself without reacting in a bad manner.
I learned a lot of bad habits from her and I know that when we get in a disagreement after I have had enough manipulation, I haven't reacted well and have been defensive and hurtful. This book really helped me put into perspective how to react to my mother. I need to be non-defensive, set boundaries, and live my own freaking life.
Book takeaways:
"Every daughter has a pivotal choice to make as the pain of her relationship with her mother continues to mount. She can struggle through the process of coming to terms with her feelings and use them to guide her to clarity and change. Or she can sit on those feeling and defend herself against the pain by acting in hurtful and inappropriate ways--just like her mother did."
The best thing that I have learned from this book, is that I am worth it and I don't have to repeat the cycle of unloving behavior that I learned from my childhood.
"Remember that you always have the right to be treated with respect, and to protest unfair treatment or criticism."
This is called boundaries. And per, Forward, it's probably not a good idea to put all your boundaries in place at once. Oops.
Boundaries that you keep to yourself, don't mean anything. "It becomes real when you clearly inform your mother of the new ground rules for your relationship with her, and then tell her when she's crossed the line and made you feel uncomfortable.."
When these types of boundaries are given, the unloving type of mother may be "threatened by your new found power, and she is certain to push back."
"It's common for many mothers to cast themselves as the victim when you begin to resist their unhealthy behavior." That's called manipulation!
January 31, 2014
Excellent. I liked this one even more than this author's previous book Toxic Parents. This book doesn't advocate confrontation in all circumstances. I think sometimes confrontation can do more harm than good. This book is about validating those who had abusive or neglectful mothers, and how to heal and move on.
Highly recommended for anyone who grew up in an abusive home. If you feel your childhood was stolen, this is the book for you.
Highly recommended for anyone who grew up in an abusive home. If you feel your childhood was stolen, this is the book for you.
May 2, 2024
4 stars = Fantastic and easy to recommend.
If you can recognize loving behavior, you can emulate it.
It’s been ten years since I last saw my toxic mother, and nine years since we spoke. Our last conversation was when she told me I was dead to her and she cut me out of her life because my spouse and I on an out of state trip to see her, dared to visit his family first before coming to her house. It was not my decision to cut ties and I tried for a year to reconcile before finally grieving and moving on. It was not my idea, but it was the best gift she ever gave me, as my life has been infinitely improved without her in it.
These women are seriously disturbed, some even mentally ill. And when angered, they lose their ability to control their impulses. Rage takes over for the abusive mother, and her daughter is a stand-in for every person who ever hurt or disappointed her…Rage only teaches rage.
I have had almost a decade to come to terms with what happened and to attempt to rationalize the true reasons for the estrangement (because nobody is gullible enough to believe her shallow pettiness was the real cause). What this book did well was label and explain the different kinds of unloving mothers and what drives their behavior. This validated what I had already figured out on my own, which felt empowering.
Much of their behavior is driven by forces outside their conscious awareness, or emotions they are afraid of confronting: a crippling sense of insecurity, an unshakable feeling of deprivation, deep disappointment in their own lives. As they look for relief from their own fears and sadness, they use their daughters to shore up their feelings of power or agency or control. The hallmark of all these mothers is a lack of empathy, and their intense self-centeredness blinds them to the suffering they create.
The author also discusses common defensive statements and how this can trap you in an endless loop of accusation and defense that goes nowhere. She then provides alternative non-defensive communication responses to break out of this cycle which was thought provoking and useful.
Every time you reach for those familiar responses, even though you think you’re defending yourself, you’ve actually been forced onto the defensive - and there’s a huge difference between the two. To defend is to protect from harm. But defensiveness signals weakness, and an eagerness to avoid challenge or criticism. It never positions you as an equal.
The second half of the book focuses on how to process the relationship and how to move forward. Depending on the type of unloving mother, sometimes this involves setting boundaries or negotiating how the connection will work moving forward. For those unfortunate enough to have a particularly cold and abusive type of mother, estrangement is what the therapist recommends. This part was not as helpful to me as this is something I completed years ago, but I think it could be beneficial for people with raw wounds.
You are wounded, not ruined, and great wisdom can come from your wounds: compassion, empathy, a sensitive barometer that lets you know when people are mistreating you.
-------------------------------------------
First Sentence: We may think we live in very psychologically aware times, but we haven’t yet managed to shake off our mythical version of motherhood - the myth that says a mother by definition is capable of love, protection, and kindness.
Favorite Quote: A lot of people think that if they yell, they’re standing up for themselves; however, not only doesn’t it solve anything, but it also makes you lose your dignity and credibility.
If you can recognize loving behavior, you can emulate it.
It’s been ten years since I last saw my toxic mother, and nine years since we spoke. Our last conversation was when she told me I was dead to her and she cut me out of her life because my spouse and I on an out of state trip to see her, dared to visit his family first before coming to her house. It was not my decision to cut ties and I tried for a year to reconcile before finally grieving and moving on. It was not my idea, but it was the best gift she ever gave me, as my life has been infinitely improved without her in it.
These women are seriously disturbed, some even mentally ill. And when angered, they lose their ability to control their impulses. Rage takes over for the abusive mother, and her daughter is a stand-in for every person who ever hurt or disappointed her…Rage only teaches rage.
I have had almost a decade to come to terms with what happened and to attempt to rationalize the true reasons for the estrangement (because nobody is gullible enough to believe her shallow pettiness was the real cause). What this book did well was label and explain the different kinds of unloving mothers and what drives their behavior. This validated what I had already figured out on my own, which felt empowering.
Much of their behavior is driven by forces outside their conscious awareness, or emotions they are afraid of confronting: a crippling sense of insecurity, an unshakable feeling of deprivation, deep disappointment in their own lives. As they look for relief from their own fears and sadness, they use their daughters to shore up their feelings of power or agency or control. The hallmark of all these mothers is a lack of empathy, and their intense self-centeredness blinds them to the suffering they create.
The author also discusses common defensive statements and how this can trap you in an endless loop of accusation and defense that goes nowhere. She then provides alternative non-defensive communication responses to break out of this cycle which was thought provoking and useful.
Every time you reach for those familiar responses, even though you think you’re defending yourself, you’ve actually been forced onto the defensive - and there’s a huge difference between the two. To defend is to protect from harm. But defensiveness signals weakness, and an eagerness to avoid challenge or criticism. It never positions you as an equal.
The second half of the book focuses on how to process the relationship and how to move forward. Depending on the type of unloving mother, sometimes this involves setting boundaries or negotiating how the connection will work moving forward. For those unfortunate enough to have a particularly cold and abusive type of mother, estrangement is what the therapist recommends. This part was not as helpful to me as this is something I completed years ago, but I think it could be beneficial for people with raw wounds.
You are wounded, not ruined, and great wisdom can come from your wounds: compassion, empathy, a sensitive barometer that lets you know when people are mistreating you.
-------------------------------------------
First Sentence: We may think we live in very psychologically aware times, but we haven’t yet managed to shake off our mythical version of motherhood - the myth that says a mother by definition is capable of love, protection, and kindness.
Favorite Quote: A lot of people think that if they yell, they’re standing up for themselves; however, not only doesn’t it solve anything, but it also makes you lose your dignity and credibility.
March 15, 2023
I can safely say that this book has changed my life and turned my truths and realities upside down.
I can confidently say that it has divided my life into "before" and "after".
To exemplify the above, here's a list of things that this book helped me understand/ pinpoint;
- I'm finally able to label my narcissistic mother's behavior and call things by their names without feeling guilty or shameful.
- "You're older than your age" is not a compliment. For the longest time, I took pride in being "older than my peers", but this book taught me that my childhood was robbed of me, thus I was forced to premature and to take responsibility as an adult when I was only 12.
- Processing one's emotions is hard work, especially if your emotions were always on the shelf (even as a kid) because your mother's emotions are certainly more significant. So is learning to show self-compassion and feeling good enough when you're constantly overly criticized.
- Thanks to this book, I started going to therapy to learn to accept that my relationship with my mother affects every single aspect of my life including the ones that seem unaffected by it, and to finally swallow the pill that I suffer from Complex-PTSD that built every trait, interest, and understanding of the world with the toxins of the relationship. And since trauma travels through family lines, it's my responsibility to start the healing process for me and for my descendants.
I can confidently say that it has divided my life into "before" and "after".
To exemplify the above, here's a list of things that this book helped me understand/ pinpoint;
- I'm finally able to label my narcissistic mother's behavior and call things by their names without feeling guilty or shameful.
- "You're older than your age" is not a compliment. For the longest time, I took pride in being "older than my peers", but this book taught me that my childhood was robbed of me, thus I was forced to premature and to take responsibility as an adult when I was only 12.
- Processing one's emotions is hard work, especially if your emotions were always on the shelf (even as a kid) because your mother's emotions are certainly more significant. So is learning to show self-compassion and feeling good enough when you're constantly overly criticized.
- Thanks to this book, I started going to therapy to learn to accept that my relationship with my mother affects every single aspect of my life including the ones that seem unaffected by it, and to finally swallow the pill that I suffer from Complex-PTSD that built every trait, interest, and understanding of the world with the toxins of the relationship. And since trauma travels through family lines, it's my responsibility to start the healing process for me and for my descendants.
September 27, 2021
о ч е н ь волнительно (страшно? горько?) читать такие книги и давать другим людям знать, что делаешь это. но маленький ребенок во мне хочет, чтобы взрослый в моей терапевтке был мною доволен, поэтому я послушно и старательно выполняю свои домашние задания.
что тут говорить?
я всё чаще стараюсь спрашивать не "как же так?" и "почему?", а "что я могу с этим делать?". есть много одиночества в прошлом и настоящем, много маленьких и больших обид и предательств, и совсем мало понимания того, что дальше, чтобы всё-таки хотя бы немного по-другому и желательно лучше.
почитала, подумаю, попробую что-то поменять и поспособствовать этому. много написала о себе и ничего о книге. хорошая, тяжелая. советую!!
что тут говорить?
я всё чаще стараюсь спрашивать не "как же так?" и "почему?", а "что я могу с этим делать?". есть много одиночества в прошлом и настоящем, много маленьких и больших обид и предательств, и совсем мало понимания того, что дальше, чтобы всё-таки хотя бы немного по-другому и желательно лучше.
почитала, подумаю, попробую что-то поменять и поспособствовать этому. много написала о себе и ничего о книге. хорошая, тяжелая. советую!!
July 26, 2015
An excellent read. It was validating knowing that 1. I am not alone 2. It wasn't my fault and 3. It was real, I can heal and I am lovable. While reading this book it felt like I was reading old journal entries. Including the client's first hand accounts was very moving and powerful. I also really benefited from the exercises. I encourage any daughter (or even son) of a narcissistic/enmeshed/emotionally unavailable and controlling mother to read this book.
August 25, 2015
OK, I only read the first two thirds or so then skimmed the rest. I really appreciated Toxic Parents, but was disappointed by Mothers Who Can't Love. At first, I tried to tell myself that I would be getting more from the book if I had read it a few years ago, but then I realized that no, that's not it. I found that the descriptions of the unloving mothers was fairly good; lucky me, my mother fits all five categories.
However, I found that the none of the exercises connected with me. Additionally, I had a few other problems with the book:
1) Forward advises her clients to tie messages to the strings of helium balloons and release them into the environment. Please NEVER do such at thing. Balloons released in the environment damage habitats and harm and even kill wildlife. Please, ignore this bad advice.
2) it seemed really invasive to me that Forward was quoting good chunks of her clients' therapy sessions on the book. Did her clients even know that she was planning to do this? Even if they did, I did not appreciate reading the stories. First, it still felt an invasive of privacy and offensive that the reader is forced to participate in the practice. Additionally, it often seemed like Forward was using the stories as filler to bulk up the book rather than add to the points. I tried to find a note in the book on the use of client stories, as most books of this type have a note indicating if the stories are used with permission, use pseudonyms, are composites, etc. If such a note exists in Mothers Who Can't Love, I did note find it. I could never trust a therapist who thinks that it is OK to use the personal information that I shared with her in this very public way.
3) The book is incredibly prescriptive. Step 1 do this, Step 2 do that. This type of one-size fits all advice is lazy and insulting. Each of us has our own histories, experiences, and temperaments. There is no way that we could all fit into a 'follow these steps and you will be healed' approach. It is really arrogant for Forward to assume she has 'The Model' that will help all of us. She has not even met the vast majority of us.
4) Related to both the quoting of sessions and the prescriptiveness of Forward's approach, I found it really irritating that, according to the quoted sections, Forward dictates to her clients what they should say during sessions. Seriously?!? Here are women who were often harmed and traumatized by overly-controlling mothers and Forward's solution is to tell these women what they should say during therapy. If my therapist tried that, I would fire him.
Actually, I think that is what it might have come down to for me. The book seemed really controlling and Forward's approach very arrogant. It often felt like Forward assumed that she is the expert therefore can use people's information as she likes, and also dictate to them, and try to dictate to the reader, how they should think about and speak about the traumas inflicted upon them. Yes, a therapist ought to help by giving guidance and suggestions where a client gets stuck. However, the therapist should also help to empower a client by assuming that she is an intelligent adult who can make good decisions for herself. A therapist should guide, suggest, and support a client as she finds her own path forward rather than dictating and imposing their set model on the client. This difference is especially true of clients who are suffering because their mothers have already tried to steal so much of their autonomy. Replacing one dictator (mother) with another (Forward) is no solution.
Overall, I am glad that I got this book from the library and can give it back. I am also glad that I have a therapist that has a very different approach from that of Dr. Forward.
However, I found that the none of the exercises connected with me. Additionally, I had a few other problems with the book:
1) Forward advises her clients to tie messages to the strings of helium balloons and release them into the environment. Please NEVER do such at thing. Balloons released in the environment damage habitats and harm and even kill wildlife. Please, ignore this bad advice.
2) it seemed really invasive to me that Forward was quoting good chunks of her clients' therapy sessions on the book. Did her clients even know that she was planning to do this? Even if they did, I did not appreciate reading the stories. First, it still felt an invasive of privacy and offensive that the reader is forced to participate in the practice. Additionally, it often seemed like Forward was using the stories as filler to bulk up the book rather than add to the points. I tried to find a note in the book on the use of client stories, as most books of this type have a note indicating if the stories are used with permission, use pseudonyms, are composites, etc. If such a note exists in Mothers Who Can't Love, I did note find it. I could never trust a therapist who thinks that it is OK to use the personal information that I shared with her in this very public way.
3) The book is incredibly prescriptive. Step 1 do this, Step 2 do that. This type of one-size fits all advice is lazy and insulting. Each of us has our own histories, experiences, and temperaments. There is no way that we could all fit into a 'follow these steps and you will be healed' approach. It is really arrogant for Forward to assume she has 'The Model' that will help all of us. She has not even met the vast majority of us.
4) Related to both the quoting of sessions and the prescriptiveness of Forward's approach, I found it really irritating that, according to the quoted sections, Forward dictates to her clients what they should say during sessions. Seriously?!? Here are women who were often harmed and traumatized by overly-controlling mothers and Forward's solution is to tell these women what they should say during therapy. If my therapist tried that, I would fire him.
Actually, I think that is what it might have come down to for me. The book seemed really controlling and Forward's approach very arrogant. It often felt like Forward assumed that she is the expert therefore can use people's information as she likes, and also dictate to them, and try to dictate to the reader, how they should think about and speak about the traumas inflicted upon them. Yes, a therapist ought to help by giving guidance and suggestions where a client gets stuck. However, the therapist should also help to empower a client by assuming that she is an intelligent adult who can make good decisions for herself. A therapist should guide, suggest, and support a client as she finds her own path forward rather than dictating and imposing their set model on the client. This difference is especially true of clients who are suffering because their mothers have already tried to steal so much of their autonomy. Replacing one dictator (mother) with another (Forward) is no solution.
Overall, I am glad that I got this book from the library and can give it back. I am also glad that I have a therapist that has a very different approach from that of Dr. Forward.
March 13, 2021
Nesu didelė tokių knygų gerbėja, tačiau karts nuo karto vis pasirodo kokia, kuri patraukia mano dėmesį. Taip nutiko ir su šia knyga. Tiesiog pajutau, jog labai noriu ją perskaityti.
Šioje knygoje Susan dalinasi savo sukaupta 35 darbo metų patirtimi. Per tiek metų jai teko susidurti su daugybe moterų, kurios dabar jau atrodo yra suaugusios, turinčios puikią karjerą bei mylinčius sutuoktinius, tačiau jos dar ir po daugelio metų kenčia psichologinę žalą, kurią joms padarė ne kas kitas, o jų motinos. Būtent tos moterys, kurios atrodo, jog turėtų savo dukras mylėti už viską labiausiai.. Deja, bet realybė yra kur kas liūdnesnė nei galime įsivaizduoti..
Pirmoje knygos dalyje yra pateikiami skirtingi motinų tipai : patologiškai narcisistinės mamos, mamos - varžovės, varginamai įkyrios, perdėm valdingos, motiniškos globos reikalaujančios mamos.. Bei tos, kurios apleidžia, išduoda ir muša.
Antroje knygos dalyje autorė dalinasi savo įžvalgomis bei patarimais, kurie gali būti naudingi norint nutraukti toksiškus santykius su savo motinomis, ar tiesiog įgyti daugiau drąsos bei ryžto.
Tai buvo tikrai jautri, bet tuo pačiu ir stipri knyga. Skaitant visus knygoje pateiktų moterų išgyvenimus, tikrai sunku buvo įsivaizduoti, ką toms mergaitėms vaikystėje teko patirti.. Ir baisiausia yra tai, jog jos visiškai to nenusipelnė ir nebuvo nei trupučio dėl to kaltos.. Daugumai iš jų prireikė nemažai metų, jog suvoktų, kad ten nebuvo nei kiek jų kaltės, o kur dar sielos žaizdos, kurios atrodo, jog niekada neužgis.. Mama yra tas žmogus, kuris kiekvienam vaikui yra be galo svarbus. Ir kaip skaudu, jog dėl motinų asmeninių bėdų kenčia dukterys.
Pati knyga parašyta tikrai aiškiai bei informatyviai ir ją skaitant man papildomų klausimų nekilo. Kilo tik noras perskaityti kitas Suzan knygas, o labiausiai "Toksiški tėvai". Net neabejoju, jog ir ši knyga bus tikrai verta dėmesio.
Šioje knygoje Susan dalinasi savo sukaupta 35 darbo metų patirtimi. Per tiek metų jai teko susidurti su daugybe moterų, kurios dabar jau atrodo yra suaugusios, turinčios puikią karjerą bei mylinčius sutuoktinius, tačiau jos dar ir po daugelio metų kenčia psichologinę žalą, kurią joms padarė ne kas kitas, o jų motinos. Būtent tos moterys, kurios atrodo, jog turėtų savo dukras mylėti už viską labiausiai.. Deja, bet realybė yra kur kas liūdnesnė nei galime įsivaizduoti..
Pirmoje knygos dalyje yra pateikiami skirtingi motinų tipai : patologiškai narcisistinės mamos, mamos - varžovės, varginamai įkyrios, perdėm valdingos, motiniškos globos reikalaujančios mamos.. Bei tos, kurios apleidžia, išduoda ir muša.
Antroje knygos dalyje autorė dalinasi savo įžvalgomis bei patarimais, kurie gali būti naudingi norint nutraukti toksiškus santykius su savo motinomis, ar tiesiog įgyti daugiau drąsos bei ryžto.
Tai buvo tikrai jautri, bet tuo pačiu ir stipri knyga. Skaitant visus knygoje pateiktų moterų išgyvenimus, tikrai sunku buvo įsivaizduoti, ką toms mergaitėms vaikystėje teko patirti.. Ir baisiausia yra tai, jog jos visiškai to nenusipelnė ir nebuvo nei trupučio dėl to kaltos.. Daugumai iš jų prireikė nemažai metų, jog suvoktų, kad ten nebuvo nei kiek jų kaltės, o kur dar sielos žaizdos, kurios atrodo, jog niekada neužgis.. Mama yra tas žmogus, kuris kiekvienam vaikui yra be galo svarbus. Ir kaip skaudu, jog dėl motinų asmeninių bėdų kenčia dukterys.
Pati knyga parašyta tikrai aiškiai bei informatyviai ir ją skaitant man papildomų klausimų nekilo. Kilo tik noras perskaityti kitas Suzan knygas, o labiausiai "Toksiški tėvai". Net neabejoju, jog ir ši knyga bus tikrai verta dėmesio.
March 25, 2022
I am not very good at giving reviews.But this book helped me start my healing. After 49 years of mental abuse, this book helped me to finally learn to just let go of my narcissistic mother. I have been told many times, that because she is my "mother", that this is the only mother I will ever have, and I need to love her and spend as much time with her that I can because one day she will be gone. That made it seem to me that I was giving her this free pass to treat me so terribly just because she was my mother. I was able to finally admit to myself that I was neglected as a child. I was mentally abused continuously, and the depression, the lack of self confidence that I have had for many years originates from her. I was NEVER able to admit that to myself, because I was meant to believe that my mother was perfect, and the fact that she was my mother she could not do anything wrong and I could not disrespect her that way. This book helped me see that I wasn't alone. Forty-nine years is long enough time to endure being with a narcissistic mother. I am just now able to heal myself and tell myself that it is simply ok, to not allow this kind of behavior into my life just because she is the person that gave birth to me, I do not want this toxic behavior anymore around me, and especially around my children, and grandchildren.
May 19, 2014
This is the book I would recommend to any adult daughter of an unloving mother exploring the healing process. I agree with the author that most people, if they're just starting this healing journey, will need to work this process with the help of a therapist and shouldn't be reading this book without help. There's a lot of emotional work to be done, but it can be done.
I've been working on this grief and healing for ten years and recently was warned that an upcoming experience in my life might trigger childhood issues. I read this book to help ready myself and do an emotional self tune-up. I highly recommend it for this purpose. Forward helped me to articulate some thoughts and experiences that I've had a hard time expressing in short, logical sentences removed from the baggage of the past. I appreciated Forward's can-do, positive attitude throughout the chapters, carefully placed pick-me-ups right at crucial points in the reading where it was easy to get bogged down.
I've been working on this grief and healing for ten years and recently was warned that an upcoming experience in my life might trigger childhood issues. I read this book to help ready myself and do an emotional self tune-up. I highly recommend it for this purpose. Forward helped me to articulate some thoughts and experiences that I've had a hard time expressing in short, logical sentences removed from the baggage of the past. I appreciated Forward's can-do, positive attitude throughout the chapters, carefully placed pick-me-ups right at crucial points in the reading where it was easy to get bogged down.
March 29, 2021
Knygą delsiau skaityti, dvejojau ar man ji bus naudinga, juk mano santykiai su mama labai šilti ir tikri, bet smalsumas įvertinti knygą nugalėjo.
Per 35 darbo metus S. Forward susidūrė su daugybe moterų, kenčiančių nuo psichologinės žalos, kurią joms padarė jas užauginusios mamos.
Autorė kviečia į sudėtingą pokalbį apie žalojantį nemylinčių motinų poveikį dukterims ir pateikia efektyvių technikų, kaip vaduotis iš skausmingos patirties gniaužtų.
Labai nuoširdžiai pasakysiu - tai labai gera ir stipri knyga moterims, kurios turi, turėjo problemų su mama, visoms merginoms, kurios jautėsi nemylimos, neįvertintos ar per daug spaudžiamos mamų, tiesiog visoms.
Skaitydamos knygą jūs susipažinsite su įvairiais motinų tipais. Ir suprasite, kad ne visos supranta žalą darant savo dukrai, o ta žala vistik vistiek vyksta, o galbūt atrasite ir savo mamos tipą.
Antroje knygos dalyje rasite praktikos pratimų, kurie padės jums išsilaisvinti iš apgaulingų pinklių, nuoskaudų.
Ši knyga - tai pirmas žingsnis pradėti naują savo gyvenimo puslapį, žinoma, tai neatsitiks per vieną dieną, juk jus skaudino ne kas kitas, o pats mylimiausias žmogus MAMA, bet kantriai tą darant rasite geriausius sprendimus paleisti, atleisti ir nebūti tokioms, kaip jūsų mama.
Esu dviejų vaikų mama, žinau, koks didelis, atsakingas ir sunkus darbas yra motinystė. Skaitant knygos tam tikrus gyvenimo pavyzdžius man buvo liūdna ir nesuprantama.
Taip pat, norėčiau paminėti, kad knyga skaitosi lengvai, daug yra pavyzdžių ir situacijų, kuriomis jūs galėsite atpažinti savo mamą ar prisiminti tam tikrą situaciją.
Kai perskaitau knygas tėvystės tema, visad pagalvoju:
Šią knygą būtinai reikėtų perskaityti kiekvienai mamai.
Lygiai tą patį ir apie šią pagalvojau.
Per 35 darbo metus S. Forward susidūrė su daugybe moterų, kenčiančių nuo psichologinės žalos, kurią joms padarė jas užauginusios mamos.
Autorė kviečia į sudėtingą pokalbį apie žalojantį nemylinčių motinų poveikį dukterims ir pateikia efektyvių technikų, kaip vaduotis iš skausmingos patirties gniaužtų.
Labai nuoširdžiai pasakysiu - tai labai gera ir stipri knyga moterims, kurios turi, turėjo problemų su mama, visoms merginoms, kurios jautėsi nemylimos, neįvertintos ar per daug spaudžiamos mamų, tiesiog visoms.
Skaitydamos knygą jūs susipažinsite su įvairiais motinų tipais. Ir suprasite, kad ne visos supranta žalą darant savo dukrai, o ta žala vistik vistiek vyksta, o galbūt atrasite ir savo mamos tipą.
Antroje knygos dalyje rasite praktikos pratimų, kurie padės jums išsilaisvinti iš apgaulingų pinklių, nuoskaudų.
Ši knyga - tai pirmas žingsnis pradėti naują savo gyvenimo puslapį, žinoma, tai neatsitiks per vieną dieną, juk jus skaudino ne kas kitas, o pats mylimiausias žmogus MAMA, bet kantriai tą darant rasite geriausius sprendimus paleisti, atleisti ir nebūti tokioms, kaip jūsų mama.
Esu dviejų vaikų mama, žinau, koks didelis, atsakingas ir sunkus darbas yra motinystė. Skaitant knygos tam tikrus gyvenimo pavyzdžius man buvo liūdna ir nesuprantama.
Taip pat, norėčiau paminėti, kad knyga skaitosi lengvai, daug yra pavyzdžių ir situacijų, kuriomis jūs galėsite atpažinti savo mamą ar prisiminti tam tikrą situaciją.
Kai perskaitau knygas tėvystės tema, visad pagalvoju:
Šią knygą būtinai reikėtų perskaityti kiekvienai mamai.
Lygiai tą patį ir apie šią pagalvojau.
November 18, 2020
MAMOS, NEMOKANČIOS MYLĖTI
#knygosapžvalga
📗 Susan Forward, Donna Frazier Glynn 📗 Knygynų tinklas VAGA 📗 2020 m. 📗 320 p.
Tarp žodžių „mama” ir „meilė”, automatiškai dedamas lygybės ženklas. Mūsų visuomenėje draudžiama abejoti mamos meile. „Mama žino geriausiai” , „net ir blogiausia mama yra geriau nei svetimas ��mogus” , „gerbk savo motiną” – šios tiesos yra neginčijamos. Tačiau geriau pagalvojusios, savo aplinkoje rastume ne vieną nemokančią mylėti mamą ar nemylėtą dukrą.
Net nedrąsu buvo atsiversti šią knygą: o kas, jeigu aš ir esu ta mama, kuri nemoka mylėti? Juk prieš daug metų sau pasižadėjau, kad nebūsiu tokia, kaip mano mama. Todėl labai džiaugiuosi, kad jau ir lietuvių kalba turime knygą, kurios autorė garsiai prabilo apie šią problemą ir stojo į nemylėtų dukterų pusę. Pagaliau tokios moterys gali sulaukti palaikymo, supratimo ir atjautos.
„Mamos meilės nepatyrusias moteris vienija troškimas būti suprastoms – kad atsirastų žmogus, kuris pasakytų: „Taip, viskas ką patyrei, išties įvyko. Žinoma, tik šitaip ir gali jaustis. Viską suprantu.”
Tačiau nesuprasite klaidingai – tai nėra priemonė atkeršyti jus nemylėjusiai mamai. Susan Forward be jokios pagiežos, kaltinimų ir smerkimo paaiškina tokių mamų elgesį ir nurodo kokius padarinius jų dukroms palieka smurtas, emocinis šaltumas, nuolatinė kritika, perdėtas kontroliavimas ar abejingumas. Taip pat ji pateikia konkrečius žingsnius (antroje knygos dalyje), kaip užsigydyti sieloje išlikusias žaizdas.
Ši knyga – gydanti psichoterapinė kelionė. Nepažadu, jog ji bus lengva. Kartais, daugybę metų slėptos žaizdos, būna labai gilios. Neskubėkite. Duokite sau tiek laiko, kiek tik jums reikia. Skaitykite po truputį, kad ir mažais žingsneliais, bet judėkite į priekį. Išmėginkite knygoje pateiktas technikas, o prireikus palaikymo, kreipkitės į jus palaikantį žmogų ar specialistą.
„Kaip dabar jau puikiai žinote, tikra meilė neverčia jaustis menkaverčiu ar netikusiu žmogumi ir manyti, kad esi kažkoks ne toks. ”
Jūs nesate tokia viena ir galite išsivaduoti iš praeities gniaužtų. Apkabinu visas neišmylėtas dukras, nes jūs vertos didžiausios pasaulyje mamos meilės ❤️
https://profesionalimama.wordpress.co...
#knygosapžvalga
📗 Susan Forward, Donna Frazier Glynn 📗 Knygynų tinklas VAGA 📗 2020 m. 📗 320 p.
Tarp žodžių „mama” ir „meilė”, automatiškai dedamas lygybės ženklas. Mūsų visuomenėje draudžiama abejoti mamos meile. „Mama žino geriausiai” , „net ir blogiausia mama yra geriau nei svetimas ��mogus” , „gerbk savo motiną” – šios tiesos yra neginčijamos. Tačiau geriau pagalvojusios, savo aplinkoje rastume ne vieną nemokančią mylėti mamą ar nemylėtą dukrą.
Net nedrąsu buvo atsiversti šią knygą: o kas, jeigu aš ir esu ta mama, kuri nemoka mylėti? Juk prieš daug metų sau pasižadėjau, kad nebūsiu tokia, kaip mano mama. Todėl labai džiaugiuosi, kad jau ir lietuvių kalba turime knygą, kurios autorė garsiai prabilo apie šią problemą ir stojo į nemylėtų dukterų pusę. Pagaliau tokios moterys gali sulaukti palaikymo, supratimo ir atjautos.
„Mamos meilės nepatyrusias moteris vienija troškimas būti suprastoms – kad atsirastų žmogus, kuris pasakytų: „Taip, viskas ką patyrei, išties įvyko. Žinoma, tik šitaip ir gali jaustis. Viską suprantu.”
Tačiau nesuprasite klaidingai – tai nėra priemonė atkeršyti jus nemylėjusiai mamai. Susan Forward be jokios pagiežos, kaltinimų ir smerkimo paaiškina tokių mamų elgesį ir nurodo kokius padarinius jų dukroms palieka smurtas, emocinis šaltumas, nuolatinė kritika, perdėtas kontroliavimas ar abejingumas. Taip pat ji pateikia konkrečius žingsnius (antroje knygos dalyje), kaip užsigydyti sieloje išlikusias žaizdas.
Ši knyga – gydanti psichoterapinė kelionė. Nepažadu, jog ji bus lengva. Kartais, daugybę metų slėptos žaizdos, būna labai gilios. Neskubėkite. Duokite sau tiek laiko, kiek tik jums reikia. Skaitykite po truputį, kad ir mažais žingsneliais, bet judėkite į priekį. Išmėginkite knygoje pateiktas technikas, o prireikus palaikymo, kreipkitės į jus palaikantį žmogų ar specialistą.
„Kaip dabar jau puikiai žinote, tikra meilė neverčia jaustis menkaverčiu ar netikusiu žmogumi ir manyti, kad esi kažkoks ne toks. ”
Jūs nesate tokia viena ir galite išsivaduoti iš praeities gniaužtų. Apkabinu visas neišmylėtas dukras, nes jūs vertos didžiausios pasaulyje mamos meilės ❤️
https://profesionalimama.wordpress.co...
August 12, 2016
I don't often read books in the "self help" genre, but the title on this one caught my attention. Let's just say my mother and I have not had a good relationship, and it has deteriorated considerably over time. I was just curious whether this book would give me new insights that might be useful.
The book basically describes 5 archetypes of "mothers who can't love". I could relate to several of them, but they are more extreme than anything I encountered. She then provides case studies and discusses how various daughters have struggled in life as a result of these relationships. The book then ends on a prescriptive note.
I actually thought the advice in the book was dead on. I had already followed all of it pretty much from a much younger age and as a result I did not suffer the way some of these daughters have suffered. So kudos to Forward for delivering great advice in a clear and very sympathetic way. Also, there's no easy answer for daughters . . .because the mothers really don't or can't change, and the daughters have to realize that they are still lovable people. Not easy after feeling rejected by a parent.
For some, this could be a four or five star read, but I personally didn't relate strongly to any of the five "types". That made it harder for me to appreciate the book. I think the types were overemphasized a bit when the reality is that basically the mother's either couldn't love or didn't love their daughters, but oftentimes did like controlling them. I was hoping to learn more about why some mothers don't love their children or don't act in a loving way. The true tales were illustrative, but not quite fleshed out of enough to make for gripping reading.
It probably would be a higher rated book within the genre of self help, but as an overall read, I felt three stars was appropriate.
The book basically describes 5 archetypes of "mothers who can't love". I could relate to several of them, but they are more extreme than anything I encountered. She then provides case studies and discusses how various daughters have struggled in life as a result of these relationships. The book then ends on a prescriptive note.
I actually thought the advice in the book was dead on. I had already followed all of it pretty much from a much younger age and as a result I did not suffer the way some of these daughters have suffered. So kudos to Forward for delivering great advice in a clear and very sympathetic way. Also, there's no easy answer for daughters . . .because the mothers really don't or can't change, and the daughters have to realize that they are still lovable people. Not easy after feeling rejected by a parent.
For some, this could be a four or five star read, but I personally didn't relate strongly to any of the five "types". That made it harder for me to appreciate the book. I think the types were overemphasized a bit when the reality is that basically the mother's either couldn't love or didn't love their daughters, but oftentimes did like controlling them. I was hoping to learn more about why some mothers don't love their children or don't act in a loving way. The true tales were illustrative, but not quite fleshed out of enough to make for gripping reading.
It probably would be a higher rated book within the genre of self help, but as an overall read, I felt three stars was appropriate.
July 8, 2022
Knyga turi tarsi dvi labai aiškias dalis – (1) kokios asmenybės telpa po fraze "mamos, nemokančios mylėti"?, (2) ką gali daryti dukra, kurios santykis su mama mažiau ar daugiau sudėtingas (ši dalis visose panašaus pobūdžio knygose man atrodo gana atsikartojanti, besiremiantis panašiais principais: rašyk/kalbėk/lankyk terapiją-validizuok jausmus-brėžk ribas). Tačiau pirmoji dalis labai įtraukė, joje gausu autorės psichoterapinio darbo pavyzdžių, kurie apibrėžia skirtingus motinų tipus. Knyga leidžia prisiliesti prie pasaulio, kuriame dukros gyvena fantazijose apie idealią mamą, kaip joms baisu susidurti su netekties jausmu (fizinio, emocinio ryšio), kiek daug yra nukreipta kaltinimų į save ir kaip skaudina kiekvieną kartą susidurti su motinos visišku nepasikeitimu ("kai nėra artimo ryšio su mama, su gožiančiu netekties ir praradimo jausmu moterys dažnai kovoja visą gyvenimą"). "Dukterims, kurios visą gyvenimą stengėsi suprasti, ką daro blogai, ir ieškojo būdų atgauti mamos meilę bei palankumą, suvokimas, kad vaikėsi neįgyvendinamą svajonę, jų gyvenimą apvertusią aukštyn kojomis, tampa lūžio tašku.“ Man knygos esmę įprasminanti cit. „ji leido mamai užvaldyti savo gyvenimą ir dabar turės išmokti parodyti, kad to leidimo galiojimas baigėsi“.
April 9, 2021
Эта книга учит как стать нелюбящей, безразличной дочерью. Много фраз для заучивания как поставить мать на место и как разорвать с ней отношения. Ваши отношения с мамой после прочтения книги точно не станут лучше. Она не учит тому, как помочь матери осознать, что она была нелюбящей очень много лет назад. Многие матери не то что бы не любили, они не умели показать эту любовь или считали вредным показывать ее, чтобы не мешать воспитательному процессу. Возможно, было бы полезным написание книги для совместного прочтения матери и дочери. Пользы от этой книги нет.
October 14, 2021
S. Forward, D. F. Glynn
"Mamos nemokančios mylėti"
Tai antroji skaityta šios autorės, psichologės knyga. Patiko taip pat kaip ir ankstesnioji jos knyga. Žinot, aš nesitikėjau, kad būtent šią knygą sugebėsiu perskaityti per du rytus. Aš net vieną rytą kėliausi gerokai anksčiau, kad tik paskaityt būtent šią knygą. O puslapiai vertėsi kosminiu greičiu.
Knyga sudaryta iš dviejų dalių. Pirmoje pasakojama apie motinų tipus, kaip kiekvienas tipas padaro įtaką mūsų gyvenimuose ir pateikia pavyzdžių, kaip tai atsispindi kasdienybėje. Na, o antroje dalyje yra patarimų, užduočių, kurias darant nuosekliai, neskubant, galima sau padėti. Gal ne visiškai, bet dalinai tai tikrai.
Žinot, aš skaitydama tikrai neįsivaizdavau, kad vyrauja tiek daug motinų tipų, net tokių, kur skaitant nesuvokiau, kad egzistuoja net, galėčiau pasakyti, žiaurių ir negailestingų.
Aišku, mano nuomone šią knygą turėtų perskaityti kiekviena moteris. Ir ne todėl, kad mūsų mamos buvo blogos, tikrai ne. Pavyzdžiui mano mama tikrai yra nuostabi. Bet perskaityti tam, kad žinotumėte, kokia mama nebūti savo dukroms. Savo vaikams. O galbūt, net rasite atsakymus į jus kamuojamčius klausimus.
Čia pateikiama kokios frazės, poelgiai, mamų, gali nugulti į mūsų pasąmonę ir mums nepastebint tai veikia tolimesnį mūsų gyvenimą.
Vienos moterys tai supranta sąmoningai, kitos - ne.
Ši autorė tikrai jau yra viena mano mėgstamiausių psichologinių knygų temose. Taip mokėti pateikti paprastam žmogui informaciją, pavyzdžius. Tikrai, labai. Nuoširdžiai rekomenduoju. Be abejonės skaitysiu visas jos knygas, nes ten daug dalykų, kurie papasakoja apie mus, mus supančią aplinką ir kaip tai atsispindi kasdieniame gyvenime.
Ir dar syk pasikartosiu, kad šią knygą tikrai rekomenduoju absoliučiai visoms moterims.
Gero skaitymo! O kad toks bus tai net neabejoju
"Mamos nemokančios mylėti"
Tai antroji skaityta šios autorės, psichologės knyga. Patiko taip pat kaip ir ankstesnioji jos knyga. Žinot, aš nesitikėjau, kad būtent šią knygą sugebėsiu perskaityti per du rytus. Aš net vieną rytą kėliausi gerokai anksčiau, kad tik paskaityt būtent šią knygą. O puslapiai vertėsi kosminiu greičiu.
Knyga sudaryta iš dviejų dalių. Pirmoje pasakojama apie motinų tipus, kaip kiekvienas tipas padaro įtaką mūsų gyvenimuose ir pateikia pavyzdžių, kaip tai atsispindi kasdienybėje. Na, o antroje dalyje yra patarimų, užduočių, kurias darant nuosekliai, neskubant, galima sau padėti. Gal ne visiškai, bet dalinai tai tikrai.
Žinot, aš skaitydama tikrai neįsivaizdavau, kad vyrauja tiek daug motinų tipų, net tokių, kur skaitant nesuvokiau, kad egzistuoja net, galėčiau pasakyti, žiaurių ir negailestingų.
Aišku, mano nuomone šią knygą turėtų perskaityti kiekviena moteris. Ir ne todėl, kad mūsų mamos buvo blogos, tikrai ne. Pavyzdžiui mano mama tikrai yra nuostabi. Bet perskaityti tam, kad žinotumėte, kokia mama nebūti savo dukroms. Savo vaikams. O galbūt, net rasite atsakymus į jus kamuojamčius klausimus.
Čia pateikiama kokios frazės, poelgiai, mamų, gali nugulti į mūsų pasąmonę ir mums nepastebint tai veikia tolimesnį mūsų gyvenimą.
Vienos moterys tai supranta sąmoningai, kitos - ne.
Ši autorė tikrai jau yra viena mano mėgstamiausių psichologinių knygų temose. Taip mokėti pateikti paprastam žmogui informaciją, pavyzdžius. Tikrai, labai. Nuoširdžiai rekomenduoju. Be abejonės skaitysiu visas jos knygas, nes ten daug dalykų, kurie papasakoja apie mus, mus supančią aplinką ir kaip tai atsispindi kasdieniame gyvenime.
Ir dar syk pasikartosiu, kad šią knygą tikrai rekomenduoju absoliučiai visoms moterims.
Gero skaitymo! O kad toks bus tai net neabejoju
April 13, 2018
حس می کنم تا حالا هیچ کتابی باهام اینقدر صادق نبود. نویسنده اش انگار مستقیم با خودم حرف می زد.
اگه شما هم با عنوان کتاب همذات پنداری می کنید، حتما بخونیدش و خودتون و زندگیِ از این به بعدتون رو نجات بدید.
اگه شما هم با عنوان کتاب همذات پنداری می کنید، حتما بخونیدش و خودتون و زندگیِ از این به بعدتون رو نجات بدید.
April 8, 2019
As someone who has been in and out of therapy most of my life, a lot of the information and coping strategies in this book were not new to me, and some I had even put into practice prior to reading this. However, it came at the recommendation of a therapist so I gave it a shot, and I'm so glad that I did! This book is a quick read- I would recommend listening to it on audiobook, so that you can stop, rewind, and repeat certain sections, which I found myself doing frequently (not because the book was difficult), but because I found it important to establish many of the reaffirming mantras throughout it into my daily life. I've never been a huge fan of self help books, as I believe that each individuals' experiences are very different, and there isn't an "end all be all" answer to coping and healing. This specifically is one of the reasons i loved this book. It provided several different women's accounts/experiences with their mothers, and which path and method of healing they chose for themselves. There is no single direction one must work towards to mend damage done. Some women in this book chose to continue to work through their relationships, some continued to work through the relationships while setting strict boundaries, and some chose to cut off the relationships entirely. All paths being valid and deeply pertaining to the individual. Another part of the book that I enjoyed was the follow up to each patient, learning what did and did not work for them etc. My biggest takeaway from this book was understanding that you cannot change someone who refuses to, that that is okay, and that focusing on healing and moving on, or setting boundaries is crucial for your own emotional well being and worth. I would highly recommend this book to anyone seeking clarity and affirmation. Know that you are not alone, and that it starts by changing your self worth and unpacking the emotional damage, laying it on the table, and tackling it head on.
April 4, 2021
Knyga parašyta jautriai, su atjauta ir palaikymu. Daug jausmų validizavimo, padrąsinimo bei skatinimo nesitaikstyti ir išsilaisvinti iš emociškai žalingų santykių. Nežinau, ar vien knyga gali padėti "užgydyti sielos žaizdas", bet tai galėtų būti puiki pradžia prieš pradedant darbą su psichoterapeutu.
August 6, 2021
This is the clearest and most helpful book I have read on this subject: the author explains the various types of abuse practised by mothers lacking in empathy and illustrates each type with a case study. She then goes on to explain what the daughters can do to understand and improve their position. I would definitely recommend this to any woman (it is addressed to daughters) suffering from this problem, particularly as Ms. Forward is very realistic and totally lacking in sentimentality.
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December 4, 2020Hard to give a review about this book.
January 19, 2016
I decided to read this book after seeing it recommended by one woman who had grown up with a narcissist mother to another. It was described as an amazing book that could really help with understanding those dynamics and learning to move forward in a healthy way. The person making the recommendation also added that it would be very helpful for people who've had dysfunctional relationships with their mothers for other reasons.
Forward begins by covering the different types of dysfunctional mothers - there are the narcissists, the overly enmeshed, the control freaks, the role reversals (who've expected their daughters to console and care for them from a young age), and those who neglect or abuse more directly.
While the examples Forward uses are fairly specific, and I found them to sort of skip over how complicated and variable these relationships can be, she did cover enough examples that I felt I could grasp her point and see the subtle individual shades between her archetypes.
Once the problem has been defined, Forward moves on to solutions. She begins with a process for identifying and coming to terms with the reader's specific feelings, which can be far more difficult than it might initially seem! Most of the section, though, has to do with finding, establishing, and maintaining boundaries, despite a range of reactions of events.
Overall, I found this to be an excellent book. It can be hard to read, especially if the material has personal significance, and Forward herself recommends that her book be used in tandem with a therapist who can help to manage and guide. Still, though, the advice given is practical and thorough, and I think it's applicable even when parental relationships aren't quite as dire as the examples given in the book. In fact, I think that the sections on establishing and maintaining boundaries would be useful to anyone.
Forward begins by covering the different types of dysfunctional mothers - there are the narcissists, the overly enmeshed, the control freaks, the role reversals (who've expected their daughters to console and care for them from a young age), and those who neglect or abuse more directly.
While the examples Forward uses are fairly specific, and I found them to sort of skip over how complicated and variable these relationships can be, she did cover enough examples that I felt I could grasp her point and see the subtle individual shades between her archetypes.
Once the problem has been defined, Forward moves on to solutions. She begins with a process for identifying and coming to terms with the reader's specific feelings, which can be far more difficult than it might initially seem! Most of the section, though, has to do with finding, establishing, and maintaining boundaries, despite a range of reactions of events.
Overall, I found this to be an excellent book. It can be hard to read, especially if the material has personal significance, and Forward herself recommends that her book be used in tandem with a therapist who can help to manage and guide. Still, though, the advice given is practical and thorough, and I think it's applicable even when parental relationships aren't quite as dire as the examples given in the book. In fact, I think that the sections on establishing and maintaining boundaries would be useful to anyone.
December 21, 2022
I read this book as both a survivor and a therapist who works with people who have experienced unloving or toxic parents. It was a great book- well-written, straightforward, and covered the different types of unloving mothers very well.
The thing that prevents me from giving 5 stars is the same reason that I could give Toxic Parents (which was also a good book by Susan Forward) 5 stars: when it comes to the practical tools (which I love), I disagree with a pretty firm stance of telling your clients what to do. Suggest, brainstorm, role play- sure. Those are appropriate. However, there are many times (in both books) where, especially when it comes to the idea of breaking off a relationship completely, "I told her to....". That said- there are many other places where the author words it differently. However, I am super cautious about the potential that a client could take what I am suggesting as the way they should do things, because therapists have a lot of power with vulnerable clients (especially those who have a mother wound!).
Overall- I would still recommend these books- tons of great info, straightforward and VALIDATING!!
The thing that prevents me from giving 5 stars is the same reason that I could give Toxic Parents (which was also a good book by Susan Forward) 5 stars: when it comes to the practical tools (which I love), I disagree with a pretty firm stance of telling your clients what to do. Suggest, brainstorm, role play- sure. Those are appropriate. However, there are many times (in both books) where, especially when it comes to the idea of breaking off a relationship completely, "I told her to....". That said- there are many other places where the author words it differently. However, I am super cautious about the potential that a client could take what I am suggesting as the way they should do things, because therapists have a lot of power with vulnerable clients (especially those who have a mother wound!).
Overall- I would still recommend these books- tons of great info, straightforward and VALIDATING!!
July 1, 2016
I wish I had no need to read such a book, but alas I do. Having read a few other similar books (Understanding the Borderline Mother, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, and Stop Walking on Eggshells) and having gone to counseling, there was nothing terribly new in this book. However, if it had been the first book of this type I read, I might have given it 4 stars. I liked the descriptions of different types of mothers who can't love which was supported by quotes and vignettes from real daughters. Although nothing new, it remains validating and that is still important. The last part of the book is devoted to strategies. Most of these were very good (e.g., developing boundaries and a position statement, writing a letter that is never mailed) with clear examples, potential pitfalls, etc. However, a few of them were very cheesy (a mock funeral to bury the fantasy of a "good mother," releasing balloons with your "truths" attached). Overall, this book provided good validation and a needed reminder of some things to keep in mind, but it wasn't earth shattering.
November 29, 2022
This is my first book on the subject matter. It was a well-timed read for me as the holiday season of guilt approaches. It has some helpful "real-life" stories, exercises and tips for shifting the power dynamic in these types of relationships. At times it felt a bit rah-rah and repetitive, but that might reflect my current age and life's learnings. I really wish I had this book in my early 30s. It would have been very helpful and saved some pain.
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