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Journey to Abortosphere
Touch-holes are sprouting like dandelions in Poughkeepsie, New York. All of them exude the aura of eras past. Only Melissa the gluteomancer has the ability to read the puckering orifi as a diviner reads tea leaves. If she properly interprets the ebb and flow of gluteal hair parting between her fingers, she and her partner - Ed, the animist with a shoehorn fixation - can find their way out of the cosmic toilet bowl for God's failed creations: the Abortosphere. But before they escape, there's a twelve-ton iron fetus to contend with. Will they get out alive, or will the heavy metal baby with a steel wool bottom, serrated fingertips, and wormhole eyes blot them out of existence for good?
Editor: Arthur Graham
Editor: Arthur Graham
- GenresBizarro Fiction
132 pages, ebook
First published April 12, 2014
About the author
Kirk Jones
28 books105 followersKirk Jones (k3rk Dʒoʊnz): 1. English Director of Nanny McPhee 2. "Sticky Fingaz," rap artist and actor who played Blade for the television series 3. Canadian who survived a dive over Niagara Falls . . . only to return and pass upon his second attempt. 4. Boring white author of Uncle Sam's Carnival of Copulating Inanimals (Eraserhead Press, 2010), Journey to Abortosphere (Rooster Republic, 2014), and Die Empty (Atlatl, 2017) who often gets mistaken for the other, arguably more notable, Kirk Jones fellows. 5. Also not Kirk Byron Jones.
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
May 18, 2014
While in mourning for his first love, an ivory shoe horn named Katherine, an unemployed loser named Ed buys a bizarre machine at an auction, a machine that has a very humanlike anus built into the side and may hold the key to all reality. And after that, things get a little strange...
I've read a ton of bizarro books over the years. Some proved to be fairly ordinary stories with a few weird elements welded on to them. Others were pretty strange. This one takes the taco.
Journey to the Abortosphere has its roots in the fabled Philadelphia Experiment, an alleged military operation in invisiblity from radar that went horribly wrong, seeing men partially materializing inside the bulkheads of the ship and/or lost somewhere in space-time. Kirk Jones asks "What happened to the anuses?" or something to that effect. The tale is peppered with time jumps, parallel realities, government agents who may or may not be obsessed with waffles, and buttholes.
I feel I should mention early on that the Abortosphere has nothing to do with abortion. It's God's first attempt at heaven, abandoned and used as a dumping ground.
The story is pretty crazy. Ed finds himself teleporting back and forth to the U.S.S. Eldridge in 1938 and 1983, as well as to his parent's house and to hospital. Once the Eldridge was wandering space-time, pursued by a twelve ton cast-iron fetus bristling with alien weaponry, the story's true depths unfolded. Also, there was some talk of a creation myth starring some Transformers.
There were some big ideas being thrown around but it was mostly a story about inanimate objects with human anuses and the end of space-time as we know it. Three out of five stars.
For more information on the Philadelphia Experiment:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadel...
I've read a ton of bizarro books over the years. Some proved to be fairly ordinary stories with a few weird elements welded on to them. Others were pretty strange. This one takes the taco.
Journey to the Abortosphere has its roots in the fabled Philadelphia Experiment, an alleged military operation in invisiblity from radar that went horribly wrong, seeing men partially materializing inside the bulkheads of the ship and/or lost somewhere in space-time. Kirk Jones asks "What happened to the anuses?" or something to that effect. The tale is peppered with time jumps, parallel realities, government agents who may or may not be obsessed with waffles, and buttholes.
I feel I should mention early on that the Abortosphere has nothing to do with abortion. It's God's first attempt at heaven, abandoned and used as a dumping ground.
The story is pretty crazy. Ed finds himself teleporting back and forth to the U.S.S. Eldridge in 1938 and 1983, as well as to his parent's house and to hospital. Once the Eldridge was wandering space-time, pursued by a twelve ton cast-iron fetus bristling with alien weaponry, the story's true depths unfolded. Also, there was some talk of a creation myth starring some Transformers.
There were some big ideas being thrown around but it was mostly a story about inanimate objects with human anuses and the end of space-time as we know it. Three out of five stars.
For more information on the Philadelphia Experiment:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philadel...
August 27, 2018
A version of The Philadelphia Experiment that ceaselessly asks the question "Are these what I think they are?" Twisted, droll and consistently entertaining.
June 18, 2014
There’s a good chance all of this already happened:
You reading this review right now. Me sitting here typing it up. A few hours before that when I was sitting in my car and finishing up Kirk Jones’s Journey to Abortosphere while eating a banana. [NOTE: I suppose the ‘eating a banana' part is pretty irrelevant]. MY POINT IS THIS – if you’re in the market for a new transistor radio, DO NOT buy the one with the human butthole attached to it.
So what is this book about?
There’s no easy answer to that one - at least not in any way I could accurately describe without spoiling all the fun on these pages. But much like the Abortosphere Jones talks about in the novel, Journey to Abortosphere is a toybox of sorts, where imagination is the only limit.
The story centers around a dude named Ed Baile. Not only is Ed a 40-year-old jobless loser who still lives in his parents attic, he is also in love with a goddamn shoehorn. One day, his stepdad breaks his true love [the shoehorn [her name is Katherine]]. Heartbroken, Ed goes to a local auction, falls in love with a weird transistor radio with a butthole attached to it, puts his finger in it, and is then relegated to a position on the USS Eldridge in the middle of the Philadelphia Experiment.
And from there, it gets strange.
I admire the scope of this novel. It pushes the limits of the readers imagination like a balloon swollen with too much air. It pushes the line of credulity. It encompasses the past, present and possible future and everything that does and does not exist in between. In this book, Kirk Jones GOES THERE. I’m not gonna list specifics. I'm not gonna tell you what GOES THERE exactly means. I don’t want to spoil anything. But there are moments of clarity that illuminate and realign the entire world in such a way that every bit of craziness in this book makes perfect and logical sense. And then it doesn't make any sense. And then it does again. Look, if you can dream it up, in the Abortosphere, you’re probably either gonna to fuck or fight it.
The book is just about 130 pages. And I wanted more. As you read through, you are literally watching the entire universe be subverted and recreated, and personally, I wanted to find a few scenic overlooks to check it all out from. When the book ends up breezing through some of the most insane set piece I could imagine, it almost feels like a tease. Other than that, it’s a damn good time, full of BIG ideas, equal parts enlightening and silly. Recommended to your discerning fan of weird fiction.
You reading this review right now. Me sitting here typing it up. A few hours before that when I was sitting in my car and finishing up Kirk Jones’s Journey to Abortosphere while eating a banana. [NOTE: I suppose the ‘eating a banana' part is pretty irrelevant]. MY POINT IS THIS – if you’re in the market for a new transistor radio, DO NOT buy the one with the human butthole attached to it.
So what is this book about?
There’s no easy answer to that one - at least not in any way I could accurately describe without spoiling all the fun on these pages. But much like the Abortosphere Jones talks about in the novel, Journey to Abortosphere is a toybox of sorts, where imagination is the only limit.
The story centers around a dude named Ed Baile. Not only is Ed a 40-year-old jobless loser who still lives in his parents attic, he is also in love with a goddamn shoehorn. One day, his stepdad breaks his true love [the shoehorn [her name is Katherine]]. Heartbroken, Ed goes to a local auction, falls in love with a weird transistor radio with a butthole attached to it, puts his finger in it, and is then relegated to a position on the USS Eldridge in the middle of the Philadelphia Experiment.
And from there, it gets strange.
I admire the scope of this novel. It pushes the limits of the readers imagination like a balloon swollen with too much air. It pushes the line of credulity. It encompasses the past, present and possible future and everything that does and does not exist in between. In this book, Kirk Jones GOES THERE. I’m not gonna list specifics. I'm not gonna tell you what GOES THERE exactly means. I don’t want to spoil anything. But there are moments of clarity that illuminate and realign the entire world in such a way that every bit of craziness in this book makes perfect and logical sense. And then it doesn't make any sense. And then it does again. Look, if you can dream it up, in the Abortosphere, you’re probably either gonna to fuck or fight it.
The book is just about 130 pages. And I wanted more. As you read through, you are literally watching the entire universe be subverted and recreated, and personally, I wanted to find a few scenic overlooks to check it all out from. When the book ends up breezing through some of the most insane set piece I could imagine, it almost feels like a tease. Other than that, it’s a damn good time, full of BIG ideas, equal parts enlightening and silly. Recommended to your discerning fan of weird fiction.
September 11, 2014
Journey to Abortosphere tells the story of Ed Baile, a 40-year-old objectophiliac who still lives with his parents. Six months after the death of his first love (a slutty little shoehorn by the name of Katherine), Ed thinks he just might have found love again in the form of an enigmatic radio-like machine acquired at an auction, thus setting the stage for Kirk Jones’s whacked out bizarro take on the “Philadelphia Experiment.”
Time travel, wormholes, a kerrrrrazy creation-cosmology myth, temporal chaos, a 12-ton iron fetus, gory battle scenes, body horror, gross humor, waffles, disembodied anuses, and gluteomancy (the arcane art of buttock hair divination)—Journey to Abortosphere has all that and more.
Just go read it. It’s fun for the whole family. Well, maybe not for the whole family, but it’s definitely fun for YOU—and YOU are all that matters, duuuuuude!
Or duuuuuudette!
Time travel, wormholes, a kerrrrrazy creation-cosmology myth, temporal chaos, a 12-ton iron fetus, gory battle scenes, body horror, gross humor, waffles, disembodied anuses, and gluteomancy (the arcane art of buttock hair divination)—Journey to Abortosphere has all that and more.
Just go read it. It’s fun for the whole family. Well, maybe not for the whole family, but it’s definitely fun for YOU—and YOU are all that matters, duuuuuude!
Or duuuuuudette!
May 7, 2014
"If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted."
Rep. Steve Stockman (R), Texas
If only Rep. Stockman knew as much about the Abortosphere as he does about the Christian Heaven! Probably doesn't know too much about gluteomancy either, but I'll bet he's always yearned to give it a try...
Rep. Steve Stockman (R), Texas
If only Rep. Stockman knew as much about the Abortosphere as he does about the Christian Heaven! Probably doesn't know too much about gluteomancy either, but I'll bet he's always yearned to give it a try...
Read
April 19, 2014I don't feel right rating my own book. So instead, I'll just say there's no heavy-handed metaphor here. You won't be bombarded with political messages like you were with Uncle Sam's Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, if you read that one. This is just a story about a handful of miserable people all connected by a ship, a giant iron fetus, and a machine that sprouts butt holes like a ceramic plant pot might sprout butts in late spring.
. . . and waffles. There are waffles.
There are, however, no abortions.
There may be a creation myth involving Transformers as well.
. . . and waffles. There are waffles.
There are, however, no abortions.
There may be a creation myth involving Transformers as well.
April 21, 2014
I love a wild conspiracy theory. The more outrageous the theory, the better. I miss reading the headlines of The Weekly World News in grocery store lines. I'd much rather read about Bat Boy than Miley Cyrus.
Journey to Abortospere helps fill that void. Jones takes an old conspiracy theory and turns it into a grotesque but hilarious scifi adventure. Expect epic battles, time travel, dinosaurs, clones, gooey waffles, unlikely romance, and lots of laughs in this unpredictable tale.
For me, the magic of this story was that I cared about the characters and their relationships. I couldn't believe I found myself empathizing with an objectophiliac, a gluteomancer, and a macho Bond wannabe. The characters are so very odd, yet endearing for all of their eccentricity. My favorite was Agent Morales with his snarky comebacks and disappointment in a world that just won't let him be a hero.
Journey of Abortosphere is definitely a book I'll revisit. It left me wanting to find out more about The Philadelphia Experiment. And craving waffles.
Journey to Abortospere helps fill that void. Jones takes an old conspiracy theory and turns it into a grotesque but hilarious scifi adventure. Expect epic battles, time travel, dinosaurs, clones, gooey waffles, unlikely romance, and lots of laughs in this unpredictable tale.
For me, the magic of this story was that I cared about the characters and their relationships. I couldn't believe I found myself empathizing with an objectophiliac, a gluteomancer, and a macho Bond wannabe. The characters are so very odd, yet endearing for all of their eccentricity. My favorite was Agent Morales with his snarky comebacks and disappointment in a world that just won't let him be a hero.
Journey of Abortosphere is definitely a book I'll revisit. It left me wanting to find out more about The Philadelphia Experiment. And craving waffles.
August 24, 2018
Really enjoyed this. Equal amounts of sci-fi, dark humor, and absurdism. And now I can't stop picturing buttholes randomly sticking out of all the walls in my house.
December 10, 2014
I'm not 100% sure what I just read but I know I enjoyed it because it was super weird and highly entertaining. Ed buys this machine at an auction and all of a sudden there are buttholes everywhere, body parts everywhere, body parts missing from everywhere, a ship the USS Eldridge that goes everywhere, a giant fetus that is quite indestructible, time travel to everywhere, the beginning of everything oh and waffles. In a nutshell the story has everything. Mostly buttholes though.
May 31, 2014
Journey to the Abortosphere is a half in half out kind of adventure...literally.
The year is 1983...for now. Meet Ed, he's just your average 40 something living in his parents basement basically hating life and contributing nothing to society. That is, until he finds out that he's pretty much responsible for the creation of EVERYTHING!
Ed, has taken up a lover. A cold, glass tubular, metal machine with an asshole just begging to be violated. Not so bad considering his last companion, Katherine, was a white shoehorn and his love for her goes very deep. I myself am a big fan of inanimate objects, so I refuse to judge this man on his choice of partners.
Ed doesn't realize the power that he holds with the machine. Once activated, a flash of light, a blink of the eye, and Ed is transported to Montauk, New York, Air Force base where he meets Mel, the gluteomancer (best term ever), and with her help Ed tries to make sense of the transporting through space and time and the springing up of assholes and what part he plays in the whole mess.
Ed isn't the only one interested in the machine and the moving through space and time. Meet the test tube "fuck witted" CIA Agents Morales and his loyal...possibly a bit too loyal, sidekick Henry. They start off chasing the ass of a soldier who hasn't seen it since 1943 and end up on the trail of Ed and his machine. The agents are now bent on finding this mysterious suspect whom they think have the answers to why all the anuses are springing up around town. When they are sent to the USS Eldridge, well lets just say things get weird for those two. These were super enjoyable characters as well as their superiors.
To make all matters worse, a giant baby fetus is on the rampage and seems to be wanting to take it's aggression out on Ed and all things in it's path. What does it all mean? Where does Ed fit into all this chaos? IS there a rhyme or reason for the assholes all over town and the man- killing metal, giant, baby fetus? Journey on into the Abortosphere where God's failed creations reside and the shit of the universe's dumping ground reeks of chaos and destruction!
This was a bizarre one to fully immerse into. I really liked the author's creation story incorporating his characters and honestly it makes a bit more sense than the Adam and Eve scenario. Clever book, and the author really does do a great job of jumping back and forth through time. The USS Eldridge fight scenes were epically gory and visual. I loved that part!! The giant baby fetus, once explained, tied into everything else and after page 81 things became a bit more cohesive for me and as a whole I really did enjoy the book.
The year is 1983...for now. Meet Ed, he's just your average 40 something living in his parents basement basically hating life and contributing nothing to society. That is, until he finds out that he's pretty much responsible for the creation of EVERYTHING!
Ed, has taken up a lover. A cold, glass tubular, metal machine with an asshole just begging to be violated. Not so bad considering his last companion, Katherine, was a white shoehorn and his love for her goes very deep. I myself am a big fan of inanimate objects, so I refuse to judge this man on his choice of partners.
Ed doesn't realize the power that he holds with the machine. Once activated, a flash of light, a blink of the eye, and Ed is transported to Montauk, New York, Air Force base where he meets Mel, the gluteomancer (best term ever), and with her help Ed tries to make sense of the transporting through space and time and the springing up of assholes and what part he plays in the whole mess.
Ed isn't the only one interested in the machine and the moving through space and time. Meet the test tube "fuck witted" CIA Agents Morales and his loyal...possibly a bit too loyal, sidekick Henry. They start off chasing the ass of a soldier who hasn't seen it since 1943 and end up on the trail of Ed and his machine. The agents are now bent on finding this mysterious suspect whom they think have the answers to why all the anuses are springing up around town. When they are sent to the USS Eldridge, well lets just say things get weird for those two. These were super enjoyable characters as well as their superiors.
To make all matters worse, a giant baby fetus is on the rampage and seems to be wanting to take it's aggression out on Ed and all things in it's path. What does it all mean? Where does Ed fit into all this chaos? IS there a rhyme or reason for the assholes all over town and the man- killing metal, giant, baby fetus? Journey on into the Abortosphere where God's failed creations reside and the shit of the universe's dumping ground reeks of chaos and destruction!
This was a bizarre one to fully immerse into. I really liked the author's creation story incorporating his characters and honestly it makes a bit more sense than the Adam and Eve scenario. Clever book, and the author really does do a great job of jumping back and forth through time. The USS Eldridge fight scenes were epically gory and visual. I loved that part!! The giant baby fetus, once explained, tied into everything else and after page 81 things became a bit more cohesive for me and as a whole I really did enjoy the book.
January 14, 2015
In Kirk Jones' first book, Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, he proved that he was well and truly capable of taking weird fiction to awkward and uncomfortable places. Fornicating furniture? Absolutely! Journey to Abortosphere continues Jones' venture into awkwardly strange places. It displays a bold evolution of style which brings the story closer to home without the need to sacrifice the insanity of a good bizarro story. The main character is an objectophile. He loves objects. The story gains momentum when he takes home a device which he believes to be some form of old radio, but instead turns out to be a time travel machine which throws him into chaos aboard the USS Eldridge as it fights a losing battle over and over again trying to defeat a giant iron fetus. Meanwhile, some shady secret agent characters try to put together the pieces of the puzzle. What really makes this story works is the abstract humour blended with the strangely disturbing, yet oddly charming characters. And I can assure you, Jones has more where this came from.
December 2, 2014
This was a really fun read, so glad that I bought it from the author. Lots of funny moments but they were perfectly offset by the creepy moments. There were just a coupe of typos but I got over them more easily than I have in some other books. I usually have a tough time with time travel stories but this one was bizarre enough that the paradox thing didn't even pop into my mind.
I thought that for the low page count the characterization was well done: Duke, Ed, Morales, Henry. The whole concept of the Abortosphere and the history behind it was really interesting and a lot deeper then I expected from a book like this. Well done Mr. Jones!
I thought that for the low page count the characterization was well done: Duke, Ed, Morales, Henry. The whole concept of the Abortosphere and the history behind it was really interesting and a lot deeper then I expected from a book like this. Well done Mr. Jones!
December 31, 2014
Wow. I'm not even sure I can convey to you all how awesome this book is. What starts out as a love story between a man and a shoehorn turns into so much more. This book has just about everything, from buttholes to wormholes. "Yeah, well, does it have the Philadelphia Experiment in it?" I hear you ask. Why, yes. Yes, it does. Much of the book happens on the USS Eldridge, in fact. "Oh. Okay. Well, does it have CIA agents grown in test tubes?" Yep. Any more questions? "I'm afraid to ask if it involves sex with machines." You should be, sir. You should be. Speaking of the CIA, the guys Kirk Jones gives us make the government agents in BURN AFTER READING seem like wiz kids. Oh, and did I mention that there's a gluteomancer in this book? As in, someone who can read your butt like a fortune teller can read your palm? And then there's . . . I could babble for days. If you're into bizarro, and you haven't read this one, you're missing an integral part of the genre.
December 16, 2014
When the premise involves time travelling rectums and an omega level threat in the form of a massive floating space fetus (which made me think of a nightmare Jesus while reading) you know this isn't the run of the mill kind of of story. Overall this is a strong sophomore effort by author Kirk Jones that I thoroughly enjoyed and a nice step up from his first novel.
While the two main characters are, admittedly, surprisingly vapid considering their predilections, the ancillary characters are fun and bring a great energy that move the novel along nicely.
The writing itself is crisp and packed with details without being burdened by extraneous prose. The second half of the novel is harder to follow as the narrative jumps between perspectives and dimensions (literally) but Jones does a good job for the most part in keeping all of the balls in the air.
As the novel moves towards its climax the thinness of the two protagonists' construction becomes more apparent, but at the same time the strengths of the other characters shines even brighter, making me almost wish the story centered around the federal agents completely. But this is a minor complaint and the weaker characterization of some characters never deterred me from finishing the novel.
All in all, if you are looking for an afternoon dive into the bizarre I highly recommend this book. It's a damn fun read and, once you're done, you'll never look at a fetus the same way again.
While the two main characters are, admittedly, surprisingly vapid considering their predilections, the ancillary characters are fun and bring a great energy that move the novel along nicely.
The writing itself is crisp and packed with details without being burdened by extraneous prose. The second half of the novel is harder to follow as the narrative jumps between perspectives and dimensions (literally) but Jones does a good job for the most part in keeping all of the balls in the air.
As the novel moves towards its climax the thinness of the two protagonists' construction becomes more apparent, but at the same time the strengths of the other characters shines even brighter, making me almost wish the story centered around the federal agents completely. But this is a minor complaint and the weaker characterization of some characters never deterred me from finishing the novel.
All in all, if you are looking for an afternoon dive into the bizarre I highly recommend this book. It's a damn fun read and, once you're done, you'll never look at a fetus the same way again.
December 3, 2014
Started good and got better- fun quick read. I have a soft spot in my heart for the Philadelphia Experiment, one of my favorite obscure conspiracies from when I was a kid. This book reminded me of Coen brothers' films (particularly Burn After Reading) where everybody is partially incompetent and confused and has a slightly twisted personality trait/defect.
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