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Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
A New York Times best-selling marriage book with more than one million copies sold!
Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love & Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for your marriage? Want some peace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.
A wife has one driving need?to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need?to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily, and biblically.
Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Love & Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, think about, and treat each other. What do you want for your marriage? Want some peace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.
A wife has one driving need?to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need?to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love & Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly, easily, and biblically.
324 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2004
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,232 reviews
February 29, 2012
I read this book as a part of a small group of friends. I tried to enter into the discussion with an open mind, but I have to be honest: this book is terrible. There's just no easy way to say this: the author is a chauvinist. The basic premise of the book is based on Ephesians 5:33: "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It built a case up for why women should always respect their husbands, regardless of his actions, and thus the husband will love his wife in return. In other words, women are to take the initiative. The author seemed to imply that if a woman does not show her husband his "due" respect, then she is to be punished by having love withheld. This is one of the most disturbing concepts I have ever heard. I feel that love and respect both have their place in a romantic relationship. Women deserve respect, and men deserve love. It goes without saying, however, that the woman will love her husband, according to this book. Nowhere does it mention respecting the wife.
I really wanted to toss this book after only a couple of chapters, but I plugged away. I'm almost sorry that I did, as there was a chapter that referenced a woman that was in an abusive relationship and how she was counseled to show her husband more respect and his behavior would change. Again, I haven't read anything this disturbing in a long time. I do not believe that the Bible condones this whatsoever; if I did, I would not be a follower of Christ. This book has very little to say what Christ teaches on the matter (how He treated women as equals in a society that did not), and everything to say about Saint Paul's views (which, I admit, at times, border on misogynistic). I would not recommend this book to anyone.
I really wanted to toss this book after only a couple of chapters, but I plugged away. I'm almost sorry that I did, as there was a chapter that referenced a woman that was in an abusive relationship and how she was counseled to show her husband more respect and his behavior would change. Again, I haven't read anything this disturbing in a long time. I do not believe that the Bible condones this whatsoever; if I did, I would not be a follower of Christ. This book has very little to say what Christ teaches on the matter (how He treated women as equals in a society that did not), and everything to say about Saint Paul's views (which, I admit, at times, border on misogynistic). I would not recommend this book to anyone.
February 12, 2021
From the get-go, this book sets up the wife as being the one who needs to change. Even in the subtitle--she has desires, but he has needs, desperate ones.
In the sex chapter, he describes sex as being about the man's "physical release" which, if she does not provide it, will prompt him to have affairs or lust after other women. Nowhere does he talk about how a woman may want sex, too, or about how men should ensure that their wives enjoy sex.
So much more to say, but here's a link to a very long article I wrote about it:
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019...
In the sex chapter, he describes sex as being about the man's "physical release" which, if she does not provide it, will prompt him to have affairs or lust after other women. Nowhere does he talk about how a woman may want sex, too, or about how men should ensure that their wives enjoy sex.
So much more to say, but here's a link to a very long article I wrote about it:
https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2019...
January 17, 2008
I have to say that I did not enjoy reading this book at all and would not recommend it to anyone. First, it bothers me that he bases the vast majority of the books basis on a single verse. The description for this book says that Dr. Emerson has done extensive biblical research on his proposed idea of men needing respect and women needing love. However, I see very little that verifies this claim. Extensive biblical research would show Dr. Emerson’s thorough and careful exegesis of Ephesians 5:33, which would include the historical background, the verses (and even chapters) surrounding the verse, the background and point of the book of Ephesians as a whole, who wrote the book, why it was written, and who it was written for, as well as a look at the greek that the original verse was written in. That would be extensive biblical research, what Dr. Emerson did in this book, I’m afraid, is not an example of this in the least.
Tying along with that thought, I can find no sources in the back of his book where Dr. Emerson credits the work of anyone else. Pretty much the entire book is comprised of his own research and inflated with lots of inserts that he has received from readers or people who attended his seminars. While that’s very nice and all, it hardly counts as a credible source that would support his findings. On page 14 he says this:
”The insight that I finally found in Scripture, and which I later confirmed from reading scientific research…” (emphasis added)
What scientific research is this?
Who knows, he never tells us!
I find it very hard to consider Dr. Emerson’s book from an academic standpoint when he only quotes his supporters and I can find nothing that any of his colleagues or others on the same standing as himself in the subject may say about his love and respect idea.
Despite numerous other reasons for my dislike of Dr. Emerson’s book, these two reasons are enough to completely discredit the book in my mind. Beyond these two reasons it is obvious as you read the book that the entire thing appears to be a huge infomercial for his seminars and DVDs, which is terrible. I continually get the impression that I am trying to be sold something.
All in all, the book is a great advertisement and appears to be very effective in promoting Love and Respect Ministries. However, I believe anyone looking to strengthen their marriage or prepare to go into one look to other, much more credible, books. I personally suggest His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley.
Tying along with that thought, I can find no sources in the back of his book where Dr. Emerson credits the work of anyone else. Pretty much the entire book is comprised of his own research and inflated with lots of inserts that he has received from readers or people who attended his seminars. While that’s very nice and all, it hardly counts as a credible source that would support his findings. On page 14 he says this:
”The insight that I finally found in Scripture, and which I later confirmed from reading scientific research…” (emphasis added)
What scientific research is this?
Who knows, he never tells us!
I find it very hard to consider Dr. Emerson’s book from an academic standpoint when he only quotes his supporters and I can find nothing that any of his colleagues or others on the same standing as himself in the subject may say about his love and respect idea.
Despite numerous other reasons for my dislike of Dr. Emerson’s book, these two reasons are enough to completely discredit the book in my mind. Beyond these two reasons it is obvious as you read the book that the entire thing appears to be a huge infomercial for his seminars and DVDs, which is terrible. I continually get the impression that I am trying to be sold something.
All in all, the book is a great advertisement and appears to be very effective in promoting Love and Respect Ministries. However, I believe anyone looking to strengthen their marriage or prepare to go into one look to other, much more credible, books. I personally suggest His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Harley.
March 17, 2016
Love & Respect is one of the worst so-called biblical books on marriage that I have ever read which is not an over exaggeration. The writer's egregious exegesis should not be ignored. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs clearly hates women and uses twisted biblical concepts to degrade and humiliate women while promoting male superiority. At no time does he acknowledge that love is God's first priority. His video series is equally demeaning to women and glorifies the male ego to the exclusion of a woman's God-given needs. He is rude, caricature-ish, disrespectful, and abusive to women all while attempting to be funny. Eggerichs essentially blames women for the majority of all problems in marriage while giving a free pass to men on their sinful nature which is the result of the fall of man from a Christian's perspective.
I found this book to be misogynistic drivel based on gross misinterpretation of one scripture verse which is wholly unsupported by Christ's own example of male/female relationships in the Bible. Eggerichs carefully yet decidedly fails to support his androcentric arguments without once pointing to Christ Himself. The book has a thinly veiled bitter tone against women throughout; however, the DVD seminar punctuates clearly Eggerichs true motives in presenting such biblically unsupported material: to feed his ego and gain attention/admiration. Eggerichs is a classic narcissist.
One of the more glaring tools of manipulation that Eggerichs uses to shame women into showing respect for their husbands, without holding husbands accountable for selfishness, is the “he would die for you” mantra which, by the way, is wholly unsupported by scripture. The reality is that there are numerous examples in the Bible beginning with Adam that speak directly OPPOSITE to this assertion and he cleverly ignores these examples in favor of his own ear-tickling words. In my opinion, Eggerichs deliberating fails to recognize that Adam, in his pre-fallen state selfishly allowed Eve to make his decision for him in lieu of following the truth that he received first-hand from God Almighty, and then does not hesitate to throw Eve under the bus for his lack of leadership. Did Adam willingly choose to die for Eve as a result? No. He blamed her in order to save his own skin for his sinfulness and then when that didn't work, he blamed God.
Here’s another example that shows a lack of “he would die for you” mentality in the Bible by so-called Godly men. Have we forgotten Abraham who tried to save his own neck by portraying Sarah as only his sister and not also his wife to the Pharaoh of Egypt? Abraham was so fearful of losing his own life that he said to Sarah, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'this is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you." Not exactly supportive of Eggerichs demanding insistence that being respectful somehow makes a man want to die for his wife. Utter excrement! There are other meaningful examples as well such as King David but I need not belabor the point that Eggerichs has no Biblically supported clue regarding man's inherent and ungodly lack of desire to protect anyone but himself.
Eggerichs is extraordinarily prideful in the presentation of the material that he so obviously wants to be true regardless of Biblical evidence to the contrary. He's made a fortune on this false dichotomy, in fact. This book is remarkably redundant, poorly written, and strongly biased in its message. I remind you that respect is not something exclusive in terms of need to men or have we forgotten 1 Peter 3: 7 & 8? I would never recommend this book and/or video series to anyone seeking to seriously understand and improve their marriage in God's way. If I could give this book half a star, I would.
*For a greater understanding of my concerns regarding Eggerichs L&R, please follow the link below to review Mark Baker's academic study regarding the many flaws of this damaging teaching.
http://www.hopeforlifeonline.com/wp-c...
I found this book to be misogynistic drivel based on gross misinterpretation of one scripture verse which is wholly unsupported by Christ's own example of male/female relationships in the Bible. Eggerichs carefully yet decidedly fails to support his androcentric arguments without once pointing to Christ Himself. The book has a thinly veiled bitter tone against women throughout; however, the DVD seminar punctuates clearly Eggerichs true motives in presenting such biblically unsupported material: to feed his ego and gain attention/admiration. Eggerichs is a classic narcissist.
One of the more glaring tools of manipulation that Eggerichs uses to shame women into showing respect for their husbands, without holding husbands accountable for selfishness, is the “he would die for you” mantra which, by the way, is wholly unsupported by scripture. The reality is that there are numerous examples in the Bible beginning with Adam that speak directly OPPOSITE to this assertion and he cleverly ignores these examples in favor of his own ear-tickling words. In my opinion, Eggerichs deliberating fails to recognize that Adam, in his pre-fallen state selfishly allowed Eve to make his decision for him in lieu of following the truth that he received first-hand from God Almighty, and then does not hesitate to throw Eve under the bus for his lack of leadership. Did Adam willingly choose to die for Eve as a result? No. He blamed her in order to save his own skin for his sinfulness and then when that didn't work, he blamed God.
Here’s another example that shows a lack of “he would die for you” mentality in the Bible by so-called Godly men. Have we forgotten Abraham who tried to save his own neck by portraying Sarah as only his sister and not also his wife to the Pharaoh of Egypt? Abraham was so fearful of losing his own life that he said to Sarah, “I know what a beautiful woman you are. When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'this is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you." Not exactly supportive of Eggerichs demanding insistence that being respectful somehow makes a man want to die for his wife. Utter excrement! There are other meaningful examples as well such as King David but I need not belabor the point that Eggerichs has no Biblically supported clue regarding man's inherent and ungodly lack of desire to protect anyone but himself.
Eggerichs is extraordinarily prideful in the presentation of the material that he so obviously wants to be true regardless of Biblical evidence to the contrary. He's made a fortune on this false dichotomy, in fact. This book is remarkably redundant, poorly written, and strongly biased in its message. I remind you that respect is not something exclusive in terms of need to men or have we forgotten 1 Peter 3: 7 & 8? I would never recommend this book and/or video series to anyone seeking to seriously understand and improve their marriage in God's way. If I could give this book half a star, I would.
*For a greater understanding of my concerns regarding Eggerichs L&R, please follow the link below to review Mark Baker's academic study regarding the many flaws of this damaging teaching.
http://www.hopeforlifeonline.com/wp-c...
July 31, 2013
My boyfriend's parents bought us this book because they found it so helpful for their own marriage. My boyfriend and I read it together, but we only finished it because we told his parents we'd read it.
As a woman, I found I did not relate *at all* to most of what Eggerichs claims about women. Yes, I desire love, but I desire respect at least as much, possibly more so, and frankly I don't think the two ideas are as separate as this book suggests. Eggerichs fails to clearly define either "love" or "respect" or what makes them different, and then muddles the two over and over (and over and over and over) with his many anecdotal stories. Being disrespectful *is* unloving. Those aren't separate things.
Eggerichs repeatedly asserts that when a woman is angry or upset or aggressive it's because she feels unloved--as if love is all women desire and the lack of it is all that can upset them. I reject that. Sometimes I get angry because my boyfriend hasn't thought ahead, or I feel I'm pulling more of the weight than he is, or he said he was going to do something and then didn't. I don't feel unloved--I know he loves me. I also know he makes mistakes sometimes, and I'm not so fragile and needy as to think that every single time he makes a mistake, maybe he doesn't really love me after all! That's ridiculous, and it's a pretty dim view of women to think we are all so insecure that every time we're upset, it's because we're not sure we're loved.
I particularly reject Eggerichs call to wives to be silently respectful so that their husbands will be interested in their thoughts and feelings. I think healthy relationships are founded on good communication, and silence is the opposite of that. Yes, of course, there are counterproductive and disrespectful ways to communicate, but it's not as if the options are (a) disrespect or (b) silence. If I disagree with my boyfriend, I will tell him so, and tell him why, and then we will talk about it. I won't yell at him, won't call him names or be sarcastic or derisive. I will just talk to him. That has worked wonderfully for us so far and I intend to continue to do so.
And, by the way, if my boyfriend disagrees with me he does the same. In the "Peacemaking" chapter, Eggerichs tells men to apologize "even if in your mind most of the guilt or blame is hers." I hate that advice. Am I so irrational and emotional that my boyfriend must pretend to think he's wrong and I'm right in order to resolve an issue? If he tells me he really thinks I'm wrong, will I just crumble and cry and feel unloved? Absolutely not. I am an intelligent, rational person and I am fine with arguing different perspectives until we come to an understanding. As long as both my boyfriend and I are seeking to resolve our issues, we can be honest about disagreements and work through them. I don't need--nor do I ever want--him to patronize me by pretending to think I'm right. I'm a big girl, I can handle him disagreeing with me.
Both my boyfriend and I felt a little horrified at some of the anecdotal examples Eggerichs provides. Perhaps it's because we've only been together four years (as opposed to decades), but we could not imagine being so disrespectful and having such poor communication skills as many of the husbands and wives Eggerichs describes. I don't belittle my boyfriend in front of other people, behind his back, or to his face. I don't belittle him, period, because I respect him. And he doesn't "stonewall" me when he's upset. He tells me why he disagrees and we figure it out together.
Perhaps if our relationship had devolved to the level of disrespect many of these couples describe, this book would have seemed insightful. Overall, though, we both found it filled with ridiculous oversimplifications, flawed gender stereotypes, and way, way too much repetition.
I will say, though, that "Love & Respect" has been good for our relationship. It has inspired a lot of conversations about how much we agree with each other in our disagreement with this book. It makes us grateful that we can communicate and that we respect each other as thinking adults.
As a woman, I found I did not relate *at all* to most of what Eggerichs claims about women. Yes, I desire love, but I desire respect at least as much, possibly more so, and frankly I don't think the two ideas are as separate as this book suggests. Eggerichs fails to clearly define either "love" or "respect" or what makes them different, and then muddles the two over and over (and over and over and over) with his many anecdotal stories. Being disrespectful *is* unloving. Those aren't separate things.
Eggerichs repeatedly asserts that when a woman is angry or upset or aggressive it's because she feels unloved--as if love is all women desire and the lack of it is all that can upset them. I reject that. Sometimes I get angry because my boyfriend hasn't thought ahead, or I feel I'm pulling more of the weight than he is, or he said he was going to do something and then didn't. I don't feel unloved--I know he loves me. I also know he makes mistakes sometimes, and I'm not so fragile and needy as to think that every single time he makes a mistake, maybe he doesn't really love me after all! That's ridiculous, and it's a pretty dim view of women to think we are all so insecure that every time we're upset, it's because we're not sure we're loved.
I particularly reject Eggerichs call to wives to be silently respectful so that their husbands will be interested in their thoughts and feelings. I think healthy relationships are founded on good communication, and silence is the opposite of that. Yes, of course, there are counterproductive and disrespectful ways to communicate, but it's not as if the options are (a) disrespect or (b) silence. If I disagree with my boyfriend, I will tell him so, and tell him why, and then we will talk about it. I won't yell at him, won't call him names or be sarcastic or derisive. I will just talk to him. That has worked wonderfully for us so far and I intend to continue to do so.
And, by the way, if my boyfriend disagrees with me he does the same. In the "Peacemaking" chapter, Eggerichs tells men to apologize "even if in your mind most of the guilt or blame is hers." I hate that advice. Am I so irrational and emotional that my boyfriend must pretend to think he's wrong and I'm right in order to resolve an issue? If he tells me he really thinks I'm wrong, will I just crumble and cry and feel unloved? Absolutely not. I am an intelligent, rational person and I am fine with arguing different perspectives until we come to an understanding. As long as both my boyfriend and I are seeking to resolve our issues, we can be honest about disagreements and work through them. I don't need--nor do I ever want--him to patronize me by pretending to think I'm right. I'm a big girl, I can handle him disagreeing with me.
Both my boyfriend and I felt a little horrified at some of the anecdotal examples Eggerichs provides. Perhaps it's because we've only been together four years (as opposed to decades), but we could not imagine being so disrespectful and having such poor communication skills as many of the husbands and wives Eggerichs describes. I don't belittle my boyfriend in front of other people, behind his back, or to his face. I don't belittle him, period, because I respect him. And he doesn't "stonewall" me when he's upset. He tells me why he disagrees and we figure it out together.
Perhaps if our relationship had devolved to the level of disrespect many of these couples describe, this book would have seemed insightful. Overall, though, we both found it filled with ridiculous oversimplifications, flawed gender stereotypes, and way, way too much repetition.
I will say, though, that "Love & Respect" has been good for our relationship. It has inspired a lot of conversations about how much we agree with each other in our disagreement with this book. It makes us grateful that we can communicate and that we respect each other as thinking adults.
December 2, 2022
Editing my review. Now that I've done some reading about this book and how problematic it is, I actually got the book off of my shelves and threw it in the garbage. And if you know me, I don't ever throw books away, so there definitely is something wrong with this book.
If you want to learn more about this book and how horrible the teachings are (particularly in a marriage where there is abuse), check out Sheila Gregoire's evidence based analysis of this author's books and teachings:
https://baremarriage.com/2022/04/the-...
https://baremarriage.com/2021/08/love...
https://baremarriage.com/2019/01/love...
https://baremarriage.com/2019/01/love...
https://baremarriage.com/2020/01/open...
God wants us to have healthy, mutual, supportive marriages. Not marriages where the balance of power is so skewed.
Know more. Do better.
If you want to learn more about this book and how horrible the teachings are (particularly in a marriage where there is abuse), check out Sheila Gregoire's evidence based analysis of this author's books and teachings:
https://baremarriage.com/2022/04/the-...
https://baremarriage.com/2021/08/love...
https://baremarriage.com/2019/01/love...
https://baremarriage.com/2019/01/love...
https://baremarriage.com/2020/01/open...
God wants us to have healthy, mutual, supportive marriages. Not marriages where the balance of power is so skewed.
Know more. Do better.
August 27, 2011
I believe this author has it wrong thinking women are more interested in "FEELING loved" than in BEING respected and treated like intellectual equals. So many women go out of their way to respect (and love) their men to the point of being doormats and yet still feel unloved and disrespected, and are then hit on the head with Bible passages to boot.
It would be beneficial if the author spent equal time showing men healthy ways to communicate what they need in order to feel respected (and loved). I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated, feeling the entire weight of making a relationship work was placed squarely on my (the woman) shoulders, no matter how hard I tried. I just disagree with this book on so many levels.
The author takes one scripture verse out of the context of life and the rest of the Bible and makes an entire book out of it. The bottom line in my opinion, is that respect is foundational in any relationship, no matter the gender. Respect deserves far more complex analysis and definition than this book even begins to touch.
It would be beneficial if the author spent equal time showing men healthy ways to communicate what they need in order to feel respected (and loved). I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated, feeling the entire weight of making a relationship work was placed squarely on my (the woman) shoulders, no matter how hard I tried. I just disagree with this book on so many levels.
The author takes one scripture verse out of the context of life and the rest of the Bible and makes an entire book out of it. The bottom line in my opinion, is that respect is foundational in any relationship, no matter the gender. Respect deserves far more complex analysis and definition than this book even begins to touch.
January 5, 2009
The best marriage book I've found so far. Based on the fact that women need love and men need respect. For years that concept turned me off of reading this book, until the wall was so great that I had nowhere else to turn to find out how to talk to my husband again. This book saved my marriage by teaching me how to talk to my hubby in a way that showed him what I was feeling in my heart in a way he understood.
By the way, I don't recommend taking this book from page 1 if you are in dire straights. Instead read the chapters that call out to you the most i.e. She Fears Being a Doormat; He's Tired of "Just Not Getting It" and She Worries About Being a Hypocrite; He Complains "I Get No Respect!" In the end I didn't read the entire book but what I did read gave me more than enough to initiate breaking down the wall with my hubby. Thank God.
By the way, I don't recommend taking this book from page 1 if you are in dire straights. Instead read the chapters that call out to you the most i.e. She Fears Being a Doormat; He's Tired of "Just Not Getting It" and She Worries About Being a Hypocrite; He Complains "I Get No Respect!" In the end I didn't read the entire book but what I did read gave me more than enough to initiate breaking down the wall with my hubby. Thank God.
January 5, 2025
If you want your marriage to hold the equality and values of the 1950s agenda of “putting women back in their place,” then this is the book for you.
September 29, 2012
I don’t know if everyone will view this book with the same ‘Aha’ I did or if it is just the timing in my life.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he said the wife being critical and negative often kicks it off…). He takes one verse in the Bible and writes a long book on it, this bothers some people, though he does refer to other scripture as it pertains; and if you don’t like personal stories, then this book will drive you crazy. The concepts of ‘blue/pink’ and crazy cycle are named rather cheesiely, but as still good concepts. I didn't read the middle section addressed to men on showing love so I can’t judge that yet. Some say that he says the women should take the start but the book clearly says whoever feels they are more mature should be the one to die to self and start off the positive cycle.
But back to women feeling blamed, really if you think about it, what is more liberating-saying things are bad and are mostly his fault so I’ll just wait and hope things get better and he will love me the way I want OR saying things are bad and they are part his fault and part mine (and the my part could be anywhere from 1% to 99%, as Bill Clinton says, “No one is right all the time and a broken clock is right two times a day.” though he was referring to politics not marriage, anyway), so let me take some principles and work on self improvement in showing respect and see what happens, which could 1-be complete restoration as my respect motivates his love or 2-somewhat improvement or 3-nothing changes except me realizing that I am obeying God’s word to unconditionally respect my husband?
Some good thoughts to remember:
We often think all are supposed to love unconditionally but people have to earn respect, this isn’t true, both should be given unconditionally in obedience to God.
Women don’t often stop to think of the ways we are behaving disrespectfully. We often think we have things together at home and scheduling, etc and order our husbands around but then lament that they then aren’t more leaders. We often think that we have things more together spiritually and lovingly try to change them to our image of what a Christian husband should be and make them feel judged and guilty. We often try to behave as their Holy Spirit instead of (this is biblical too, and until reading this book I don’t think I understood it) letting our quietness and respect change hearts. We try to change them and even when motivated by love, don’t realize that it comes across as disrespect. We often are tired and grouchy and negative around our husbands and save our best behavior for the world when really we need some self control and to go to God to vent. Often we give the impression (often unknowingly) that while we love our husbands we don’t really like them, which makes them feel contempt and can totally ruin a relationship. (and don’t worry in all these topics he gives lots of disclaimers about abuse, the need for honesty, etc)
He gives lots of great practically examples about words to use, keeping it light and how to remember that men and women see the world, their relationships and communication in different lights.
I could go on and I really should read it again but hopefully others will read this to improve an already good marriage. Of course this book isn’t the only word out there; there is much more to having a good marriage and much more in the Bible on the topic but for any couple who has been bombarded with the guy just needs to shape up message, or someone who wants a different look from the ‘just love more’ idea, this is a great book.
Some women don’t like this book because they view it as blaming women; my husband hates every sermon on marriage because he views it as blaming men. I think this book is very balanced and contains the proper amount of disclaimers on stereotypes, etc; and gives hundred examples of how both sides can start off the crazy cycle of her disrespect makes him unloving, repeat (though once he said the wife being critical and negative often kicks it off…). He takes one verse in the Bible and writes a long book on it, this bothers some people, though he does refer to other scripture as it pertains; and if you don’t like personal stories, then this book will drive you crazy. The concepts of ‘blue/pink’ and crazy cycle are named rather cheesiely, but as still good concepts. I didn't read the middle section addressed to men on showing love so I can’t judge that yet. Some say that he says the women should take the start but the book clearly says whoever feels they are more mature should be the one to die to self and start off the positive cycle.
But back to women feeling blamed, really if you think about it, what is more liberating-saying things are bad and are mostly his fault so I’ll just wait and hope things get better and he will love me the way I want OR saying things are bad and they are part his fault and part mine (and the my part could be anywhere from 1% to 99%, as Bill Clinton says, “No one is right all the time and a broken clock is right two times a day.” though he was referring to politics not marriage, anyway), so let me take some principles and work on self improvement in showing respect and see what happens, which could 1-be complete restoration as my respect motivates his love or 2-somewhat improvement or 3-nothing changes except me realizing that I am obeying God’s word to unconditionally respect my husband?
Some good thoughts to remember:
We often think all are supposed to love unconditionally but people have to earn respect, this isn’t true, both should be given unconditionally in obedience to God.
Women don’t often stop to think of the ways we are behaving disrespectfully. We often think we have things together at home and scheduling, etc and order our husbands around but then lament that they then aren’t more leaders. We often think that we have things more together spiritually and lovingly try to change them to our image of what a Christian husband should be and make them feel judged and guilty. We often try to behave as their Holy Spirit instead of (this is biblical too, and until reading this book I don’t think I understood it) letting our quietness and respect change hearts. We try to change them and even when motivated by love, don’t realize that it comes across as disrespect. We often are tired and grouchy and negative around our husbands and save our best behavior for the world when really we need some self control and to go to God to vent. Often we give the impression (often unknowingly) that while we love our husbands we don’t really like them, which makes them feel contempt and can totally ruin a relationship. (and don’t worry in all these topics he gives lots of disclaimers about abuse, the need for honesty, etc)
He gives lots of great practically examples about words to use, keeping it light and how to remember that men and women see the world, their relationships and communication in different lights.
I could go on and I really should read it again but hopefully others will read this to improve an already good marriage. Of course this book isn’t the only word out there; there is much more to having a good marriage and much more in the Bible on the topic but for any couple who has been bombarded with the guy just needs to shape up message, or someone who wants a different look from the ‘just love more’ idea, this is a great book.
August 27, 2009
I have always viewed books on relationships to be a little off. They always tend to lean in one direction. But I wanted to give this one a fair shot and I went into it with a clear mind.
This book revolves around the idea that women need to show respect and men need to show love. And it stops there. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I know many women that deserve respect and many men that crave love. However this isn’t explored. It may have worked at some point, but men like women with a soft side, that don’t just say “YES SIR”
Once I realized this would be the context of the book, I moved on and accepted that each gender would be taught how to do those specific roles. Not quite the case. This book was written to essentially teach women how to respect the man. Any man that picks up this book will not be given ways on how to love a women. They will just be reinforced on the notion that they “deserve” respect.
Eggerichs example on how women prefer pink and men prefer blue (while some do) seems a bit outdated to me. While, yes, you go into an office for a woman and it has light colours, and an office for a man is usually draped in dark wood, it’s not like that is ALL they like. It made me laugh as I looked around my own office, then went to visit my husbands.
I found the following statement in this book rather irritating as well: “this is how a woman’s mind works” Really? You spoke with EVERY woman. You can’t even make that statement about men, how does he think it applies to women, who are typically more complex!!
I am not saying this book does not make good points. It does. But for me it was a little patronizing. And that would be fine, it is was the point of the book. But the whole point was to show BOTH sides of the issue and present them in a realistic way. A way that works with todays families. This point was missed in this book.
My advice to people, stop reading these books, and actually listed and talk to your partner.
December 4, 2019
Whew, this is the longest review I've ever written! To start, I feel like I am kind of old-fashioned in my views of gender roles compared to other people my age, and this book still made me angry! I really tried to read it with an open mind, and there are some good points the author makes. But the overall message I was getting was this: that women need to watch our mouths and show respect, (and the author never really explains WHAT respect is, or HOW to do that) no matter what our husbands do.
In the opening chapters I couldn't help feeling that Eggerichs painted women as being very shallow, emotionally unstable, and unreasonable. One example from the beginning of the book is when he uses the story of a poor husband that was so excited to buy his wife a card for their anniversary, that he accidentally got a happy birthday card instead of an anniversary card. Instead of his wife laughing (like I would) or being like "um, did you realize this was a birthday card?," the author says that the wife just immediately gets really angry, gets in the husband's face, and tells him off. Then the author tries to save face by saying "Not all wives do that, but most lean in that direction at such moments." Say what?!
To me, the author's tone was just very condescending in general, and I definitely felt like he tried to low-key blame most of the marital issues on the woman. For example:
On page 63, the title of a section is called "A Wife's Scolding Can Start The Crazy Cycle." And then the second sentence after that is, "The crazy cycle often starts when women start scolding in their homes." Ok, I guess I can see that. What else could start it? So I kept reading, only to come to the conclusion that I think he really meant to say, "The crazy cycle ALWAYS starts when women start scolding in their homes," because I didn't come across anything in the book about when men might do to start it, or anything else at all that could start the Crazy Cycle, other than a woman scolding. Oh, except maybe him withholding love. But that's only because she's not showing him enough respect. So it always comes back to her.
Also, on page 62, the title of a section is called "A Wife's Self-Image May Depend On Her Husband's Approval" and the first sentence of that section is,
"The typical wife also fails to realize that her self-image often rests on what she believes her husband thinks of her."
Read that again and let it sink in.
Um, what? Yes, obviously your spouse's opinion of you is important, but what about all the other aspects of your life that make up your self- image, like your career, health, upbringing, socioeconomic status, etc? Nope! Women, you believe your ENTIRE self image is based solely on what your husband thinks of you. And also, we're too stupid to even realize it!
On pages 230 and 231, Eggerichs talks about how women shouldn't be trusted to have all the answers and do all the thinking in the marriage, not because that's obviously unhealthy in any relationship, but because Eve was the one deceived into eating the apple, not Adam. Therefore, her judgement can't be fully trusted. According to the him, "Instead of listening to Adam's voice, Eve orchestrated things and got Adam to listen to her, even though he knew better."
First of all, that's not exactly what the Bible says. The author makes it sound like Eve was trying to be bossy and controlling and making Adam eat the apple against his will, or at least manipulating him into thinking it was ok. But all it says in Genesis is that "she gave to her husband with her, and he ate." (Genesis 3:6) not anything else about her actions or intentions, just that she gave him some apple, and he made the decision to eat it. Eggerichs clearly likes to take things from the bible and twist them to his own views. He also states that there is always the danger of wives taking over and becoming the primary voice in a marriage, and that, "All of us can be deceived, but women need to think about some areas where the serpent is subtly deceiving them even today." Pg. 231
I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he does offer some great advice to men and women on how to stop conflict in the marriage. But quotes like those above kept cropping up and irritating the heck out of me. While he does point out issues that men need to work on, over and over throughout the book he sends the message that women are main cause of the problems in most marriages.
And lastly, two final complaints. As many other people have already pointed out, the book is extremely repetitive and oversimplified to the point where it's almost offensive. Sometimes it's like he's talking to a young child.
And then there's all the excerpts from letters he's supposedly received from people that he's helped with his revolutionary idea of women showing respect to their husbands.
They're seriously annoying.
It's literally almost one per page throughout the entire book. And almost all of them are from women saying how much respecting their husbands more has radically changed their marriages.
Now, they could be legit, but all it does is make the author look even MORE egotistical by sharing all these letters of women praising him and saying how right he is! Seriously, dude. I want to give you benefit of the doubt, but you're making it soooo hard! And it feels like you're just trying to sell me on something the entire book, with all of this self promotion, testimonies of how many marriages you're saving, and talk of all conferences you do.
I don't believe that the author hates women, or thinks that we're just there to serve the needs of our husbands. He does make some very good points in his book about how men and women can better relate to each other, and communicate. And I'll even agree that women can have problems showing respect to their spouses, because I don't think that's something that we really consider as much as men. But, unfortunately any good from his advice gets overshadowed by the terrible repetition and dumbing-down of the message, and how he comes across as stereotyping and blaming women for most bad marriages.
In the opening chapters I couldn't help feeling that Eggerichs painted women as being very shallow, emotionally unstable, and unreasonable. One example from the beginning of the book is when he uses the story of a poor husband that was so excited to buy his wife a card for their anniversary, that he accidentally got a happy birthday card instead of an anniversary card. Instead of his wife laughing (like I would) or being like "um, did you realize this was a birthday card?," the author says that the wife just immediately gets really angry, gets in the husband's face, and tells him off. Then the author tries to save face by saying "Not all wives do that, but most lean in that direction at such moments." Say what?!
To me, the author's tone was just very condescending in general, and I definitely felt like he tried to low-key blame most of the marital issues on the woman. For example:
On page 63, the title of a section is called "A Wife's Scolding Can Start The Crazy Cycle." And then the second sentence after that is, "The crazy cycle often starts when women start scolding in their homes." Ok, I guess I can see that. What else could start it? So I kept reading, only to come to the conclusion that I think he really meant to say, "The crazy cycle ALWAYS starts when women start scolding in their homes," because I didn't come across anything in the book about when men might do to start it, or anything else at all that could start the Crazy Cycle, other than a woman scolding. Oh, except maybe him withholding love. But that's only because she's not showing him enough respect. So it always comes back to her.
Also, on page 62, the title of a section is called "A Wife's Self-Image May Depend On Her Husband's Approval" and the first sentence of that section is,
"The typical wife also fails to realize that her self-image often rests on what she believes her husband thinks of her."
Read that again and let it sink in.
Um, what? Yes, obviously your spouse's opinion of you is important, but what about all the other aspects of your life that make up your self- image, like your career, health, upbringing, socioeconomic status, etc? Nope! Women, you believe your ENTIRE self image is based solely on what your husband thinks of you. And also, we're too stupid to even realize it!
On pages 230 and 231, Eggerichs talks about how women shouldn't be trusted to have all the answers and do all the thinking in the marriage, not because that's obviously unhealthy in any relationship, but because Eve was the one deceived into eating the apple, not Adam. Therefore, her judgement can't be fully trusted. According to the him, "Instead of listening to Adam's voice, Eve orchestrated things and got Adam to listen to her, even though he knew better."
First of all, that's not exactly what the Bible says. The author makes it sound like Eve was trying to be bossy and controlling and making Adam eat the apple against his will, or at least manipulating him into thinking it was ok. But all it says in Genesis is that "she gave to her husband with her, and he ate." (Genesis 3:6) not anything else about her actions or intentions, just that she gave him some apple, and he made the decision to eat it. Eggerichs clearly likes to take things from the bible and twist them to his own views. He also states that there is always the danger of wives taking over and becoming the primary voice in a marriage, and that, "All of us can be deceived, but women need to think about some areas where the serpent is subtly deceiving them even today." Pg. 231
I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he does offer some great advice to men and women on how to stop conflict in the marriage. But quotes like those above kept cropping up and irritating the heck out of me. While he does point out issues that men need to work on, over and over throughout the book he sends the message that women are main cause of the problems in most marriages.
And lastly, two final complaints. As many other people have already pointed out, the book is extremely repetitive and oversimplified to the point where it's almost offensive. Sometimes it's like he's talking to a young child.
And then there's all the excerpts from letters he's supposedly received from people that he's helped with his revolutionary idea of women showing respect to their husbands.
They're seriously annoying.
It's literally almost one per page throughout the entire book. And almost all of them are from women saying how much respecting their husbands more has radically changed their marriages.
Now, they could be legit, but all it does is make the author look even MORE egotistical by sharing all these letters of women praising him and saying how right he is! Seriously, dude. I want to give you benefit of the doubt, but you're making it soooo hard! And it feels like you're just trying to sell me on something the entire book, with all of this self promotion, testimonies of how many marriages you're saving, and talk of all conferences you do.
I don't believe that the author hates women, or thinks that we're just there to serve the needs of our husbands. He does make some very good points in his book about how men and women can better relate to each other, and communicate. And I'll even agree that women can have problems showing respect to their spouses, because I don't think that's something that we really consider as much as men. But, unfortunately any good from his advice gets overshadowed by the terrible repetition and dumbing-down of the message, and how he comes across as stereotyping and blaming women for most bad marriages.
September 2, 2018
Okay, so I'm a lifelong single guy. Still, most of my good friends are of the opposite gender, as are most of my extended family members-aunts, female cousins, etc.--who I talk to often. However, I've also had plenty of problems with the fairer sex, as well; most of the people who have unfriended me on Facebook have fallen into that category, and many of them were my coevals. So, my track record with the ladies has been kind of a mixed bag.
That's why the message of this book was important to me. Sure, I can respect people; I've even tried to be an advocate for people (or pets) that got on my nerves. I hate to see any human being get mistreated, regardless of who he/she is or what he/she has done. Respecting people isn't enough, though; you have to show love. After all, the greatest commandments tell us to love God and to love our neighbor. This book inspired me to make a change on that front.
That's why the message of this book was important to me. Sure, I can respect people; I've even tried to be an advocate for people (or pets) that got on my nerves. I hate to see any human being get mistreated, regardless of who he/she is or what he/she has done. Respecting people isn't enough, though; you have to show love. After all, the greatest commandments tell us to love God and to love our neighbor. This book inspired me to make a change on that front.
January 9, 2012
I like the idea that women need love and men need respect. When I read this basic statement, a light bulb went off in my head because this is how my husband and I function as people in a relationship. However, I do not think that this concept applies to ALL relationships. Some men value love more than respect, and women value respect more than love. And they all value both. Futhermore, I feel like the point of this book was made within the first few chapters. After that, it just got very repetitive and was filled with endless snippets of emails from people praising the author for his help. I would have liked this book better if it was much shorter and only had a couple examples from people instead of one on every page! I did like the tips shared in the bullet points at the end of the chapters in the second section, but that was probably the only thing I found helpful. I was a bit taken aback by the constant reminder that men need to be the head of the household, women need to speak less, and the underlying bias in the book that men always deserve respect. I am a very strong, opinionated woman and felt like while I could change some things about myself, I will not become a silent, submissive wife. That's just not me.
December 17, 2012
Like many Christian books, the authors have a really insightful point, namely that women need love and men need respect. They make this point really well in about 10 pages. The rest of the book is a broken record containing this same point told over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and over... and... well, you get the point. Some of the stories are humorous, and they definitely help make the point in the beginning. But after about 25 pages there is no new information, just a repetition of the same mantra. Don't waste your money. Just ask someone to share the DVD with you from the back of the book. The DVD is a 30 minute book promo that gives you the basic gist of the entire book in only 2-3 minutes. Stop watching after that unless you enjoy watching infomercials. Good point, but it's overblown to sell books.
March 6, 2019
The diction and syntax are a bit evangelically, but the bones of this book are very good, and would be a great help to many couples I know.
March 4, 2021
Although it claims to be a Christian book, it has an unbiblical premise, and unbiblical content. I have the following serious concerns about the book:
• Misrepresents goal of marriage as love and respect (described as needs) rather than sanctification.
• Emphasizes relationship between spouses, overlooks relationship between spouse and God; emphasizes behavior change, overlooks spiritual change.
• Condones being driven/controlled by feelings.
• Encourages manipulation of spouse to get what one wants.
• Ignores personal responsibility for sin.
• Presents unbiblical view of conflict (overlooks role of sin, need for repentance and forgiveness).
• Engages in eisegesis (biased interpretation; reading into the Bible rather than reading out of it).
If you read it (which I don't recommend), be sure to read it with your Bible in your other hand, frequently comparing what you read. There's some practical advice in the book, but it takes discernment to pick it out from the unbiblical content. With that said, here's the rest of my review.
The book explains how to avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding by understanding your spouse's motivation and perspective. It shows how the husband must operate according to his wife's desire for love, and the wife must operate according to her husband's desire for respect. The philosophy is based on Ephesians 5:33: "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." It teaches that ultimately, you love and respect your spouse because you love and reverence Christ.
The book walks through 3 cycles:
1. Crazy Cycle: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love.
2. Energizing Cycle: his love motivates her respect; her respect motivates his love.
3. Rewarded Cycle: his love (unto Christ) blesses regardless of her respect; her respect (unto Christ) blesses regardless of his love.
Notes
Part 1: The Crazy Cycle
Simple Secret to a Better Marriage
Crazy Cycle: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love.
Ephesians 5:33 says husband is commanded to love wife; wife is committed to respect husband. Word for love is "agape," meaning unconditional love. Wording implies unconditional respect. 1 Peter 3:1-2 speaks of unconditional respect.
Assume that your spouse is well-intentioned and good-hearted towards you. This helps lower your expectations of their perfectly meeting your standards.
To Communicate, Decipher the Code
A University of Washington 20-year scientific study of couples who had been married 20-40 years found love and respect in their conversations, the opposite of contempt.
Men hear criticism as contempt; women feel silence as hostility.
When wife complains, criticizes, or cries, she wants love. When husband speaks harshly or not at all, he wants respect.
Why She Won't Respect; Why He Won't Love
Both genders need both love and respect, but this is about the primary need for each.
Husband must value wives at equals in Christ. 1 Peter 3:1-2, 7; Gal 3:8; Eph 5:28-29.
What Men Fear Most Can Keep the Crazy Cycle Spinning
Wife should ask herself, "Is what I'm about to say or do going to come across as respectful or disrespectful?" This prevents her from being too negative.
In conflict, husband may stonewall, be silent, or walk away, to calm down and avoid conflict. Wife sees this as unloving and rejecting.
She Fears Being a Doormat … He's Tired of "Just Not Getting It"
Husband must ask himself, "Is what I'm about to say or do going to come across as loving or unloving?"
If husband feels disrespected, say, "Honey, that felt disrespectful. Did I just now come across as unloving?" This expresses feelings without attacking, and gives wife benefit of doubt, as well as opportunity to share her feelings.
When wife angrily vents, husband should listen, not walk away or ignore her. She needs to vent, and feels she's helping the marriage, not attacking you.
She Worries About Being a Hypocrite … He Complains, "I Get No Respect!"
If husband feels disrespected, say, "Honey, that felt disrespectful. Did I just now come across as unloving?" This expresses feelings without attacking, and gives wife benefit of doubt, as well as opportunity to share her feelings.
Husband should let wife vent at him, then say, "Honey, I love you. I don't want this. When you talk this way, I know you're feeling unloved. Let's work on this. I want to come across more lovingly."
She Thinks She Can't Forgive Him … He Says, "Nobody Can Love That Woman!"
Energizing Cycle is opposite of Crazy Cycle: his love motivates her respect; her respect motivates his love.
Part II: The Energizing Cycle
C-O-U-P-L-E: How to Spell Love to Your Wife
COUPLE is acronym for husband to remember what wife values:
• Closeness: accept her need to talk; reassure of love
• Openness: share your thoughts; don't resist her efforts to draw you out
• Understanding: don't try to fix problems; just listen
• Peacemaking: be willing to resolve issues; say, "I'm sorry"
• Loyalty: prove you're loyal to her for life
• Esteem: show you treasure her, and what she does and thinks are important to you
Closeness … She Wants You to Be Close
Wife wants husband to have daily face-to-face time with her to discover where her heart is.
Wife leans more towards involvement (doing things together); husband leans more towards independence. When husband is too independent, wife feels unloved. When wife wants husband to be too involved, he feels disrespected.
How to meet need
• Show affection without aiming for sex
• Do anything together
• Seek her out; have a date
• Do something for her
• Discuss her thoughts and opinions
• Be spontaneous
• Pillow talk
Openness … She Wants You to Open Up To Her
Wife wants to talk about marital problems daily, to prevent major problems from developing. She isn't trying to rebuke, pry, or control; she wants to feel openness.
If you don't want to talk at a moment, say, "I'd rather not talk right now because X. There's nothing wrong between us."
How to meet need
• Share feelings; tell about difficulties
• Ask what she's feeling; ask for her opinions
• Go on walk to talk
• Pray with her
• Discuss financial concerns
• Discuss ideas for future
Understanding … Don't Try to "Fix Her" - Just Listen
When wife comes to you with burden, ask, "Do you need a solution or a listening ear?" Respond accordingly.
How to meet need
• Listen and repeat what she said
• Don't dismiss her feelings even if they seem illogical.
• Don't try to fix problems unless asked
• Try to identify her feelings
• Say, "I appreciate you sharing that with me."
• Admit you were wrong
• Take care of things that need to be done
• Express appreciation for what she does. Say, "I could never do what you do."
• Pray with and for her
Peacemaking
The best marriages have some conflict. Bible assumes conflict will exist (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
When a woman says, "I'm sorry," to her it's an increase of love. But when a man says, "I'm sorry," he fears loss of respect.
If you tried to make peace and wife doesn't cooperate, say, "I'm seeking to give in to you and be loving, but I'm feeling disrespected. What am I saying that is unloving?"
Loyalty … She Needs to Know You're Committed
How to meet need
• Speak highly of her in front of others
• Be involved in things important to her
• Help her make family decisions
• Don't correct her in front of children
• Don't criticize her in front of children or others
• Say to children, "Don't speak to your mother that way."
Esteem … She Wants You to Honor and Cherish Her
Thought behind gift is more important than gift itself.
Wife may expect you to read her mind. For example, she may insist that you pick the restaurant, but she wants to see if you'll know where she wants to go. To try to figure out, think out loud about a few options, until she says, "That sounds good."
If wife's opinion conflicts with yours, say one of these things to keep esteem intact:
• "Thanks for sharing your opinion."
• "Let me think about that."
• "Even though I don't feel the same way you do, I value your opinion and trust your heart."
How to meet need
• Say, "I'm so proud of the way you handled that"
• Speak highly of her in front of other
• Praise and encourage
• Be physically affectionate in public
• Respect her opinion
C-H-A-I-R-S: How To Spell Respect to Your Husband
CHAIRS is acronym for wife to remember what husband values:
• Conquest: work and achieve
• Hierarchy: protect and provide
• Authority: serve and lead
• Insight: analyze and counsel
• Relationship: shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
• Sexuality
Hierarchy
Biblical definition of hierarchy isn't husband's superiority to put down wife; it's husband's responsibility to place himself over wife and protect her.
Authority
For husband and wife to reach mutually satisfying decisions most of the time, wife should see husband as having 51% of responsibility and authority.
Part III: The Rewarded Cycle
The Real Reason to Love and Respect
Rewarded Cycle: his love (unto Christ) blesses regardless of her respect; her respect (unto Christ) blesses regardless of his love.
Whatever you do towards your spouse out of love and respect isn't to meet your needs; it's ultimately because you see Christ beyond your spouse, and you realize your marriage is a tool and test to demonstrate your love and reverence towards Christ.
• Misrepresents goal of marriage as love and respect (described as needs) rather than sanctification.
• Emphasizes relationship between spouses, overlooks relationship between spouse and God; emphasizes behavior change, overlooks spiritual change.
• Condones being driven/controlled by feelings.
• Encourages manipulation of spouse to get what one wants.
• Ignores personal responsibility for sin.
• Presents unbiblical view of conflict (overlooks role of sin, need for repentance and forgiveness).
• Engages in eisegesis (biased interpretation; reading into the Bible rather than reading out of it).
If you read it (which I don't recommend), be sure to read it with your Bible in your other hand, frequently comparing what you read. There's some practical advice in the book, but it takes discernment to pick it out from the unbiblical content. With that said, here's the rest of my review.
The book explains how to avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding by understanding your spouse's motivation and perspective. It shows how the husband must operate according to his wife's desire for love, and the wife must operate according to her husband's desire for respect. The philosophy is based on Ephesians 5:33: "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." It teaches that ultimately, you love and respect your spouse because you love and reverence Christ.
The book walks through 3 cycles:
1. Crazy Cycle: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love.
2. Energizing Cycle: his love motivates her respect; her respect motivates his love.
3. Rewarded Cycle: his love (unto Christ) blesses regardless of her respect; her respect (unto Christ) blesses regardless of his love.
Notes
Part 1: The Crazy Cycle
Simple Secret to a Better Marriage
Crazy Cycle: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love.
Ephesians 5:33 says husband is commanded to love wife; wife is committed to respect husband. Word for love is "agape," meaning unconditional love. Wording implies unconditional respect. 1 Peter 3:1-2 speaks of unconditional respect.
Assume that your spouse is well-intentioned and good-hearted towards you. This helps lower your expectations of their perfectly meeting your standards.
To Communicate, Decipher the Code
A University of Washington 20-year scientific study of couples who had been married 20-40 years found love and respect in their conversations, the opposite of contempt.
Men hear criticism as contempt; women feel silence as hostility.
When wife complains, criticizes, or cries, she wants love. When husband speaks harshly or not at all, he wants respect.
Why She Won't Respect; Why He Won't Love
Both genders need both love and respect, but this is about the primary need for each.
Husband must value wives at equals in Christ. 1 Peter 3:1-2, 7; Gal 3:8; Eph 5:28-29.
What Men Fear Most Can Keep the Crazy Cycle Spinning
Wife should ask herself, "Is what I'm about to say or do going to come across as respectful or disrespectful?" This prevents her from being too negative.
In conflict, husband may stonewall, be silent, or walk away, to calm down and avoid conflict. Wife sees this as unloving and rejecting.
She Fears Being a Doormat … He's Tired of "Just Not Getting It"
Husband must ask himself, "Is what I'm about to say or do going to come across as loving or unloving?"
If husband feels disrespected, say, "Honey, that felt disrespectful. Did I just now come across as unloving?" This expresses feelings without attacking, and gives wife benefit of doubt, as well as opportunity to share her feelings.
When wife angrily vents, husband should listen, not walk away or ignore her. She needs to vent, and feels she's helping the marriage, not attacking you.
She Worries About Being a Hypocrite … He Complains, "I Get No Respect!"
If husband feels disrespected, say, "Honey, that felt disrespectful. Did I just now come across as unloving?" This expresses feelings without attacking, and gives wife benefit of doubt, as well as opportunity to share her feelings.
Husband should let wife vent at him, then say, "Honey, I love you. I don't want this. When you talk this way, I know you're feeling unloved. Let's work on this. I want to come across more lovingly."
She Thinks She Can't Forgive Him … He Says, "Nobody Can Love That Woman!"
Energizing Cycle is opposite of Crazy Cycle: his love motivates her respect; her respect motivates his love.
Part II: The Energizing Cycle
C-O-U-P-L-E: How to Spell Love to Your Wife
COUPLE is acronym for husband to remember what wife values:
• Closeness: accept her need to talk; reassure of love
• Openness: share your thoughts; don't resist her efforts to draw you out
• Understanding: don't try to fix problems; just listen
• Peacemaking: be willing to resolve issues; say, "I'm sorry"
• Loyalty: prove you're loyal to her for life
• Esteem: show you treasure her, and what she does and thinks are important to you
Closeness … She Wants You to Be Close
Wife wants husband to have daily face-to-face time with her to discover where her heart is.
Wife leans more towards involvement (doing things together); husband leans more towards independence. When husband is too independent, wife feels unloved. When wife wants husband to be too involved, he feels disrespected.
How to meet need
• Show affection without aiming for sex
• Do anything together
• Seek her out; have a date
• Do something for her
• Discuss her thoughts and opinions
• Be spontaneous
• Pillow talk
Openness … She Wants You to Open Up To Her
Wife wants to talk about marital problems daily, to prevent major problems from developing. She isn't trying to rebuke, pry, or control; she wants to feel openness.
If you don't want to talk at a moment, say, "I'd rather not talk right now because X. There's nothing wrong between us."
How to meet need
• Share feelings; tell about difficulties
• Ask what she's feeling; ask for her opinions
• Go on walk to talk
• Pray with her
• Discuss financial concerns
• Discuss ideas for future
Understanding … Don't Try to "Fix Her" - Just Listen
When wife comes to you with burden, ask, "Do you need a solution or a listening ear?" Respond accordingly.
How to meet need
• Listen and repeat what she said
• Don't dismiss her feelings even if they seem illogical.
• Don't try to fix problems unless asked
• Try to identify her feelings
• Say, "I appreciate you sharing that with me."
• Admit you were wrong
• Take care of things that need to be done
• Express appreciation for what she does. Say, "I could never do what you do."
• Pray with and for her
Peacemaking
The best marriages have some conflict. Bible assumes conflict will exist (1 Corinthians 7:3-4).
When a woman says, "I'm sorry," to her it's an increase of love. But when a man says, "I'm sorry," he fears loss of respect.
If you tried to make peace and wife doesn't cooperate, say, "I'm seeking to give in to you and be loving, but I'm feeling disrespected. What am I saying that is unloving?"
Loyalty … She Needs to Know You're Committed
How to meet need
• Speak highly of her in front of others
• Be involved in things important to her
• Help her make family decisions
• Don't correct her in front of children
• Don't criticize her in front of children or others
• Say to children, "Don't speak to your mother that way."
Esteem … She Wants You to Honor and Cherish Her
Thought behind gift is more important than gift itself.
Wife may expect you to read her mind. For example, she may insist that you pick the restaurant, but she wants to see if you'll know where she wants to go. To try to figure out, think out loud about a few options, until she says, "That sounds good."
If wife's opinion conflicts with yours, say one of these things to keep esteem intact:
• "Thanks for sharing your opinion."
• "Let me think about that."
• "Even though I don't feel the same way you do, I value your opinion and trust your heart."
How to meet need
• Say, "I'm so proud of the way you handled that"
• Speak highly of her in front of other
• Praise and encourage
• Be physically affectionate in public
• Respect her opinion
C-H-A-I-R-S: How To Spell Respect to Your Husband
CHAIRS is acronym for wife to remember what husband values:
• Conquest: work and achieve
• Hierarchy: protect and provide
• Authority: serve and lead
• Insight: analyze and counsel
• Relationship: shoulder-to-shoulder friendship
• Sexuality
Hierarchy
Biblical definition of hierarchy isn't husband's superiority to put down wife; it's husband's responsibility to place himself over wife and protect her.
Authority
For husband and wife to reach mutually satisfying decisions most of the time, wife should see husband as having 51% of responsibility and authority.
Part III: The Rewarded Cycle
The Real Reason to Love and Respect
Rewarded Cycle: his love (unto Christ) blesses regardless of her respect; her respect (unto Christ) blesses regardless of his love.
Whatever you do towards your spouse out of love and respect isn't to meet your needs; it's ultimately because you see Christ beyond your spouse, and you realize your marriage is a tool and test to demonstrate your love and reverence towards Christ.
March 13, 2009
This is just another pop-psychology, appealing-to-the-masses-but-not-the-truth, feel-good book. It is so popular because it is in the same vein as The 5 Love Languages, His Needs/Her Needs, etc. which center on the anti-biblical/humanistic view of people as "love tanks"/"love banks" rather than the biblical understanding of who we really are (Gen 6:5; Jer 2:13; 17:9; Ecc 9:3; Mk 7:20-23; Gal 5:17; Rom 7, 8)
Yes, it does uses some Scripture, and even part of the book is true, yet any truth is shouted down and perverted by the author's perversion of God's Word, God's character, human nature, and what we really need.
The thesis of the book:
A wife has ONE DRIVING NEED--to FEEL love. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has ONE DRIVING NEED--to FEEL respect. When that need is met, he is happy.
Can the body of Christ not see the flagrant theological errors and even out and out heresy in this foundation of the book?
here is a link to a more enhanced review: http://hopeforlifeonline.com/document...
Yes, it does uses some Scripture, and even part of the book is true, yet any truth is shouted down and perverted by the author's perversion of God's Word, God's character, human nature, and what we really need.
The thesis of the book:
A wife has ONE DRIVING NEED--to FEEL love. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has ONE DRIVING NEED--to FEEL respect. When that need is met, he is happy.
Can the body of Christ not see the flagrant theological errors and even out and out heresy in this foundation of the book?
here is a link to a more enhanced review: http://hopeforlifeonline.com/document...
February 4, 2021
I wish we could give negative stars. I finished because I don’t quit in the middle of anything and a dear friend gave it to me though she had t read it herself. But, other than being inspired to say, “I respect you,” to my husband, I haven’t garnered anything else helpful for our marriage. Eggerichs is chauvinistic, stereotyping, and worst of all-he twists Scripture by taking bits and pieces out of context. On page 43 the full verse is regarding slaves accepting authority of masters. That’s his definition of unconditional respect. Webster says it’s ‘a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something ELICITED by their ABILITIES, QUALITIES, ACHIEVEMENTS. Or due regard for FEELINGS, WISHES, RIGHTS, or TRADITIONS of others. So it is earned not unconditional.
By the way, I texted my husband ‘What would you rather have, love or respect?’ He replied, “Can you really have one without the other?” I love and respect that answer.
By the way, I texted my husband ‘What would you rather have, love or respect?’ He replied, “Can you really have one without the other?” I love and respect that answer.
August 10, 2014
I call this the "blow job book" mainly because the principles around the needs of the man and woman straight out of the 1950s. I couldn't disagree with a relationship book more. This does not promote healthy relationships, instead it promotes male dominance and female dependence.
February 28, 2009
I absolutely hated this book. I wanted to burn it when I was done but rather than do that, I just threw it away. The another is completely out of touch with a womans way of thinking and I was pretty much offended through the entire thing. I had to read this for our small group but sometimes, I couldn't bear it and just skipped.
March 22, 2017
There are several reasons I would never recommend this book. This is my second reading, and I DNF this time around.
I have to out myself as a thinking Christian before I can explain. I don't mind the simple delivery of a sermon, for example, as long as I can sense/hear the theological depth behind it. While I do have a faith-based belief system, I've had more (formal, non-religious) education than I know what to do with, and I can't just turn off my critical thought for the sake of a warm fuzzy message. Or in this case, a not-particularly-warm-fuzzy-message.
Firstly, it's poorly written. It's extremely repetitive to the point of redundancy. Eggerichs has a halting way of speaking that is both irritating and condescending.
Secondly, while the initial basis of his message can't be turned away out of hand, as it does come from scripture, it is ONE VERSE. In the entire Bible. You know what a pet peeve of mine is? Taking a single verse in isolation and extrapolating an entire worldview/idea of a worldview from that one verse. Nope. NOPE.
That sort of approach is not academic (it's hilarious that this guy considers himself academic). It's not biblical. It's not scientific. It's poor logic. The entire book is just far too simplistic, and his supporting evidence is entirely anecdotal. I understand the value of both quantitative and qualitative research but I don't really see a handful of stories as qualifying for either format!
Thirdly, IT'S ALL THE WIFE'S FAULT. Nope. As a woman, let me tell you it ain't my resistance to the Holy Spirit that has my back up about so much of this message. It's my KNOWLEDGE OF SCRIPTURE and my understanding of my value in Christ. As a woman, I have a fire in my belly and a brain in my head and I give both love and respect to my husband, which he reciprocates. Both of these expressions of human interaction can be far more complex than the illustrations in this book demonstrated (they ranged from irritating, to downright concerning.)
I believe that there are several different forms of respect; some earned, some inherent.
There's basic human dignity that is 'being treated with respect.' Then there is the respect that is me looking up to you, because your actions/character have earned it.
I have both of these forms of respect for my husband as a person, but Eggerichs doesn't seem to be able to separate response to ACTIONS and response to PERSONHOOD. When I speak to my husband, particularly about contentious issues, I do my best to make sure that I am treating him with the 'basic human dignity' form of respect. That I am not mocking him. And you know what? He does the same for me. I am not going to sit there and act like whatever he's done that I need to address is deserving of respect. AS A PERSON, he still deserves it. BUT HIS ACTIONS might not. And vice versa. We're certainly not going to sit quietly and pretend everything is okay, especially if it's not - we believe communication is the key to any good relationship, not silence!
The first time I read this, I left notes in the margins. I had clearly tried to read it from a balanced perspective. My notes do occasionally show that the content caused me to have some insight, however they largely express intelligent disagreement or point out flaws in his logic. I mean, there's a lot that could be helpful, if it weren't so simplistic and condescending. I don't disagree with the idea that men and women are designed differently. They are! What I disagree with is Eggerichs' EXTRAPOLATION. His constant blaming of women, and his painting of them as one-dimensional, problematic, emotional, asexual caricatures.
Perhaps I can best explain that point like this: it's like the difference between acknowledging biological difference, and extending that difference into forced gender roles. For example, I believe women are physically weaker generally, but I certainly don't think that means they should only/always stay at home, that they should only ever be nurses not doctors, that they can't manage companies, and that they're less intelligent/capable etc.
One star - and that one star is solely for the original insight, which was extremely poorly explored.
I have to out myself as a thinking Christian before I can explain. I don't mind the simple delivery of a sermon, for example, as long as I can sense/hear the theological depth behind it. While I do have a faith-based belief system, I've had more (formal, non-religious) education than I know what to do with, and I can't just turn off my critical thought for the sake of a warm fuzzy message. Or in this case, a not-particularly-warm-fuzzy-message.
Firstly, it's poorly written. It's extremely repetitive to the point of redundancy. Eggerichs has a halting way of speaking that is both irritating and condescending.
Secondly, while the initial basis of his message can't be turned away out of hand, as it does come from scripture, it is ONE VERSE. In the entire Bible. You know what a pet peeve of mine is? Taking a single verse in isolation and extrapolating an entire worldview/idea of a worldview from that one verse. Nope. NOPE.
That sort of approach is not academic (it's hilarious that this guy considers himself academic). It's not biblical. It's not scientific. It's poor logic. The entire book is just far too simplistic, and his supporting evidence is entirely anecdotal. I understand the value of both quantitative and qualitative research but I don't really see a handful of stories as qualifying for either format!
Thirdly, IT'S ALL THE WIFE'S FAULT. Nope. As a woman, let me tell you it ain't my resistance to the Holy Spirit that has my back up about so much of this message. It's my KNOWLEDGE OF SCRIPTURE and my understanding of my value in Christ. As a woman, I have a fire in my belly and a brain in my head and I give both love and respect to my husband, which he reciprocates. Both of these expressions of human interaction can be far more complex than the illustrations in this book demonstrated (they ranged from irritating, to downright concerning.)
I believe that there are several different forms of respect; some earned, some inherent.
There's basic human dignity that is 'being treated with respect.' Then there is the respect that is me looking up to you, because your actions/character have earned it.
I have both of these forms of respect for my husband as a person, but Eggerichs doesn't seem to be able to separate response to ACTIONS and response to PERSONHOOD. When I speak to my husband, particularly about contentious issues, I do my best to make sure that I am treating him with the 'basic human dignity' form of respect. That I am not mocking him. And you know what? He does the same for me. I am not going to sit there and act like whatever he's done that I need to address is deserving of respect. AS A PERSON, he still deserves it. BUT HIS ACTIONS might not. And vice versa. We're certainly not going to sit quietly and pretend everything is okay, especially if it's not - we believe communication is the key to any good relationship, not silence!
The first time I read this, I left notes in the margins. I had clearly tried to read it from a balanced perspective. My notes do occasionally show that the content caused me to have some insight, however they largely express intelligent disagreement or point out flaws in his logic. I mean, there's a lot that could be helpful, if it weren't so simplistic and condescending. I don't disagree with the idea that men and women are designed differently. They are! What I disagree with is Eggerichs' EXTRAPOLATION. His constant blaming of women, and his painting of them as one-dimensional, problematic, emotional, asexual caricatures.
Perhaps I can best explain that point like this: it's like the difference between acknowledging biological difference, and extending that difference into forced gender roles. For example, I believe women are physically weaker generally, but I certainly don't think that means they should only/always stay at home, that they should only ever be nurses not doctors, that they can't manage companies, and that they're less intelligent/capable etc.
One star - and that one star is solely for the original insight, which was extremely poorly explored.
April 13, 2017
This book addresses a tremendous lack in literature and teaching within the church regarding marriage. Dr. Eggerichs is absolutely correct to emphasize the respect that wives are called to give their husbands. The main concept is Scripturally sound: husbands are called to love their wives unconditionally and sacrificially; as Christ loves the church; wives are called to unconditionally respect their husbands with words and actions.
Unfortunately, the manner in which Dr. Eggerichs expounds upon this truth is deeply disappointing. I don't know if he feels he is compensating for an overemphasis on husbands being loving or for the true lack of good teaching and practice on what it means to be a man of God (much less a husband of God) in postmodern culture. Whatever the case, he discredits his good cause by obnoxious and demeaning words and examples. He brings in enough letters that speak more winsomely and eloquently that some of his rants can be withstood. However, his crassness is distracting and in, in many cases, misleading and misguided.
This is a great message in a very poor package. I hope a revised edition is forthcoming.
Unfortunately, the manner in which Dr. Eggerichs expounds upon this truth is deeply disappointing. I don't know if he feels he is compensating for an overemphasis on husbands being loving or for the true lack of good teaching and practice on what it means to be a man of God (much less a husband of God) in postmodern culture. Whatever the case, he discredits his good cause by obnoxious and demeaning words and examples. He brings in enough letters that speak more winsomely and eloquently that some of his rants can be withstood. However, his crassness is distracting and in, in many cases, misleading and misguided.
This is a great message in a very poor package. I hope a revised edition is forthcoming.
June 28, 2012
Ephesians 5:33 has been there of two thousand years! Why do we miss it!
Husbands are to Love their Wives, and Wives are to Respect their Husbands.
Some think this is archic thinking, but it's not
As survy of men who were asked... "For the rest of your life, would you rather be loved or would you rather have respect?" ...Overwhelmingly the men perfered Respect over love.
Our Husbands need our love...But they need our Respect. They need it unconditionally.
God created women to be loving and nurturing...therefore it is easy to love...that is why God comands Wives to Respect their Husbands...because this is not natural...and our Husbands crave it.
On the other had..Men naturally show respect to eachother...they do not naturally love... so God comanded them to Love their Wives...Our Husbands need to work at Loving us...They are not natural romantics...And by now, if you have been married any time...you know...you need to just tell him things....Be kind, loving and RESPECTFULL...But tell him.
God has created the Husband to represent the God head of the Family or Christ, while
the Wife has been created to represent Christs Bride, the Church
As the Head of the family, the Husband wants to provide for and protect his family just like Chirst does the Church. In turn the Church loves and Respects God and Christ.
You really need to read the book There is so much more to it than I can begin to explain...It has been the most helpful tool in restoring our marriage.
Husbands are to Love their Wives, and Wives are to Respect their Husbands.
Some think this is archic thinking, but it's not
As survy of men who were asked... "For the rest of your life, would you rather be loved or would you rather have respect?" ...Overwhelmingly the men perfered Respect over love.
Our Husbands need our love...But they need our Respect. They need it unconditionally.
God created women to be loving and nurturing...therefore it is easy to love...that is why God comands Wives to Respect their Husbands...because this is not natural...and our Husbands crave it.
On the other had..Men naturally show respect to eachother...they do not naturally love... so God comanded them to Love their Wives...Our Husbands need to work at Loving us...They are not natural romantics...And by now, if you have been married any time...you know...you need to just tell him things....Be kind, loving and RESPECTFULL...But tell him.
God has created the Husband to represent the God head of the Family or Christ, while
the Wife has been created to represent Christs Bride, the Church
As the Head of the family, the Husband wants to provide for and protect his family just like Chirst does the Church. In turn the Church loves and Respects God and Christ.
You really need to read the book There is so much more to it than I can begin to explain...It has been the most helpful tool in restoring our marriage.
June 7, 2012
I've read a lot of marriage books, gotten a ton of ideas to try, some that worked, a lot that didn't!
This was the first one that was a big, huge "Ah-hah!" in my marriage. My husband and I listened to the audio version on a long car trip. We kept having to stop it to talk about what he was saying. There were several times my husband said, "That's what I've been wanting to tell you for year, but didn't know how to say it." I can honestly say this book changed our marriage.
We were so impressed, we used it to do a couples class at our church. We listened to 20 minutes of the audio book (the workbook is huge and overwhelming--this was a much more user-friendly method), then split into guys and girls and talked, shared, laughed, gave advice, empathized, and prayed. It was the best couples class I have ever been a part of.
It's been a few years. I should probably read this again!
This was the first one that was a big, huge "Ah-hah!" in my marriage. My husband and I listened to the audio version on a long car trip. We kept having to stop it to talk about what he was saying. There were several times my husband said, "That's what I've been wanting to tell you for year, but didn't know how to say it." I can honestly say this book changed our marriage.
We were so impressed, we used it to do a couples class at our church. We listened to 20 minutes of the audio book (the workbook is huge and overwhelming--this was a much more user-friendly method), then split into guys and girls and talked, shared, laughed, gave advice, empathized, and prayed. It was the best couples class I have ever been a part of.
It's been a few years. I should probably read this again!
June 12, 2009
My mother bought this book for my then-fiance and I when we announced our engagement, and both of us read it... most of it, anyway. Two years into our marriage, I will rate the advice as "excellent," and I've thus given it four stars. However, like so many "self-help"-type books, there is clear evidence of the author stretching out his material to fill enough pages to justify a solid $25 hardcover. In other words, read the first half of the book (or maybe even less) and you'll have gleaned everything really necessary.
November 14, 2014
This BOOK is very popular as IT seeks to provide advice to strengthen marriages by ending the "crazy cycle" of spouses' reacting to each other. However, this BOOK unwittingly exchanges one crazy cycle for another. The advice contained in the BOOK is predicated on a "complementarian" view of marriage, a controversial position that claims God has ordained husbands to lead wives. Readers who agree with this position may find this BOOK helpful in implementing a game plan... or they may find themselves on a new treadmill.
Results may vary. Read this BOOK with caution.
Results may vary. Read this BOOK with caution.
October 19, 2019
This review originally appeared on my blog Enough Light with wordpress.
Love & Respect hardly needs an introduction, having sold over 1 million copies – this book and its premises are a commonplace perspective in many evangelical churches, marriage ministries, and among Christian counselors. In one sense, this leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement as the problems in this book are overt. Yet, when something gains popularity it can unfortunately be accepted at face value without much discernment because of its ubiquitous nature. This could be a multi-part review, but I will try to focus on key concerns and keep it to one post of reasonable length.
The premise of this book is based on a verse in Ephesians 5 that says: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Pulled from this is a rigid paradigm that “women need love and men need respect” and this is literally and exclusively taken as the key for marriage. Problems in your marriage? The answer is that the female has failed to show unconditional respect to her husband. Page 19 in the book proclaims what is different about the Love & Respect book: “Many books on marriage stress the need for husbands to love their wives, but the unique feature about this book is the concept of wives showing unconditional respect towards husbands.” – I will let that speak for itself.
First, this book is simplistic. There is nothing wrong with a book being simple – as in presenting concepts in an easy to understand way. But simplistic is a problem. Dictionary definition of simplistic: “treating complex issues and problems as if they were much simpler than they really are.” – Bingo! That describes this book.
Everything is pushed into a love and respect paradigm. Every type of problem or issue boils down to the man not being respected and the woman not feeling loved – emphasis on the former. Related to this, there is much emphasis on the differences between men and women. Repeated throughout the book is a refrain to remember that women are pink and men are blue! Don’t forget! Often in the book there are demarcating statements that men are one way and women another way.
While I agree that men are men and women are women, let us not forget that we are both human beings! We both reflect the Imago Dei. In Genesis, Adam proclaimed with joy that Eve was “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” We have plenty in common. I don’t think it is healthy or balanced to focus primarily on difference. Of course, differences should not be ignored either. But so many other things come into play.
Being a male or female is not all there is to us! It is not that simple. We are each unique individuals. For example:
What about our personality type and temperament?
What about “Love Languages” (a book that presents 5 ways that people feel loved)?
What about our cultural heritage?
What about the particular family we were raised in?
What about our spiritual maturity level?
All these things are influential when it comes to our communication styles, approach to conflict, general proclivities and expectations in life – and the degree of love and respect we need as an individual. To ignore these things is illogical.
A problem in a marriage may have nothing or little to do with “pink vs blue” or with the man not being respected. Trying to force every problem into this paradigm, like trying to force a square peg into a round hole, is not going to be effective. It may even allow a problem to keep simmering beneath the surface, erupting into something bigger later, because the root cause was not determined and an inappropriate solution was instituted.
Indeed, in the book, husbands and wives end up in the “crazy cycle” repeatedly. Hmm…Maybe this is because they have failed to see each other as individuals, forcing each other into artificial love and respect -or- pink and blue corners!
In all fairness, there are certainly some men and women who fit certain stereotypes about their sex – and some aspects of this book could be beneficial to them. There could be some marriage situations where a wife indeed needs to be more respectful to her husband, and her husband needs to improve how he demonstrates his love. But even then, I’d argue that there is still more to it!
I mentioned the “love languages” concept and after reading Love & Respect the mandatory conclusion would be that ALL men have the love language of “words of affirmation.” In Love & Respect, women are repeatedly told to respect their husbands, and various anecdotes and examples are shared – and it is primarily about women using verbal or written words to tell their man that they respect them and why.
BUT NOT ALL MEN have the love language of words of affirmation. My husband does not! As I read this book, I told my husband about it, and he requested that I please NOT do what this book suggests as it would drive him crazy. Again, there is little room for individuality in this book.
Page 112 actually tells wives that instead of signing a card “With all my love” or similar – instead sign it “With all my respect” or “With all my respect, the one who still admires you.” My husband and I laughed over this. Signing a card by emphasizing respect, to us, sounds like a way to close a business letter or some type of formal correspondence – not a personal communication between husband and wife! Just for fun, I’ve been randomly telling my husband “Oh, I so respect you!” and he rolls his eyes and we laugh.
For that matter, after reading this book, I walk away with a sad view of men. Men are apparently…very fragile, thin-skinned, and highly insecure. They must have constant reassurance and affirmation from women. Note the book subtitle, the respect he desperately needs. Hmm? My opinion of men is better than this, and if anyone – male or female – must be constantly affirmed, there are bigger underlying problems that need to be addressed with their psyche and spiritual state.
Oh dear – I am just under 1,000 words and so much more could be said. Briefly, the book brings in the entire Ephesians 5 passage (not just verse 33) and this passage is not properly explained and the cultural context of 2,000 years ago is not taken into consideration. To clarify, I do think there are important spiritual truths for us today in this Ephesians passage – but this book cherry picks certain phrases and comes to conclusions that just do not fit – even contradicting other themes of Scripture. (Tackling Ephesians 5 would take another post.)
One example, the book repeats “Remember, the husband is the Christ figure.” As the church looks to Christ, women should look to their husband. A wife does not feel called to die for her husband as he feels called to die for her. (see pages 147 and 175). The implications here are disturbing, and it conflicts with New Testament teaching as a whole. No one is Christ to me but Christ! In all things Jesus is to be preeminent in our lives (Colossians 1) – and that includes our marriages! Jesus told his followers – men AND women alike – to take up their cross and follow Him. Sacrificing self is not a command or call for men alone.
One more ridiculous statement in this book: “Husbands, particularly, can come under satanic attack when deprived of sexual release.” (page 252) In addition, a point in the book is that if a man cheats on his wife, his wife bears part of the blame because she failed to respect her husband properly. I say “part of the blame” to be generous and diplomatic with the book, as the book’s unbalanced emphasis on the man getting respect, ends up putting most of the blame on the wife.
The book’s approach, not just with sex, but other life issues, encourages selfishness in the man and provides an excuse for a man lacking self control or other characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit. But that quotation – Husbands can come under satanic attack when deprived of sexual release. C’mon! Please discerningly consider that on your own.
I found that parts of the book actually contradict other parts, thus undermining the book’s primary premise. Men supposedly have the unique calling to die for their wife as the Christ figure to her, but that is less likely to occur when your primary concern is being respected! Jesus was not focused on getting the respect he deserved.
I could write more, but will end this review. Clearly, I absolutely do not recommend this book to you. A whole other book could be written to point out all the problems, contradictions, and misapplications of Scripture. This book in particular is NOT good for women, but it is not good for men either.
Lest you think I am critical of every marriage book, I highly recommend Making Marriage Beautiful by Dorothy Greco. My review of that book is also on my blog. 5 stars to it!
———
[An additional thought I am adding: Love & Respect is a patriarchal book but a bit in disguise. Be observant and discerning. I posted something elsewhere warning women about any book/counselor/pastor that places the blame on them (you failed to be respectful or submissive enough) when they have been sinned against. I was surprised by some of the likes because some of these women hold to a gender theology that supports this “lack of respect/submission” view – but they fail to see how their beliefs lead to this. Think out the implications of beliefs. Also, bad teaching is not always glaring. It can be worded in a way that softens it, cushioned in some nice things. Don’t be deceived.]
Love & Respect hardly needs an introduction, having sold over 1 million copies – this book and its premises are a commonplace perspective in many evangelical churches, marriage ministries, and among Christian counselors. In one sense, this leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement as the problems in this book are overt. Yet, when something gains popularity it can unfortunately be accepted at face value without much discernment because of its ubiquitous nature. This could be a multi-part review, but I will try to focus on key concerns and keep it to one post of reasonable length.
The premise of this book is based on a verse in Ephesians 5 that says: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Pulled from this is a rigid paradigm that “women need love and men need respect” and this is literally and exclusively taken as the key for marriage. Problems in your marriage? The answer is that the female has failed to show unconditional respect to her husband. Page 19 in the book proclaims what is different about the Love & Respect book: “Many books on marriage stress the need for husbands to love their wives, but the unique feature about this book is the concept of wives showing unconditional respect towards husbands.” – I will let that speak for itself.
First, this book is simplistic. There is nothing wrong with a book being simple – as in presenting concepts in an easy to understand way. But simplistic is a problem. Dictionary definition of simplistic: “treating complex issues and problems as if they were much simpler than they really are.” – Bingo! That describes this book.
Everything is pushed into a love and respect paradigm. Every type of problem or issue boils down to the man not being respected and the woman not feeling loved – emphasis on the former. Related to this, there is much emphasis on the differences between men and women. Repeated throughout the book is a refrain to remember that women are pink and men are blue! Don’t forget! Often in the book there are demarcating statements that men are one way and women another way.
While I agree that men are men and women are women, let us not forget that we are both human beings! We both reflect the Imago Dei. In Genesis, Adam proclaimed with joy that Eve was “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” We have plenty in common. I don’t think it is healthy or balanced to focus primarily on difference. Of course, differences should not be ignored either. But so many other things come into play.
Being a male or female is not all there is to us! It is not that simple. We are each unique individuals. For example:
What about our personality type and temperament?
What about “Love Languages” (a book that presents 5 ways that people feel loved)?
What about our cultural heritage?
What about the particular family we were raised in?
What about our spiritual maturity level?
All these things are influential when it comes to our communication styles, approach to conflict, general proclivities and expectations in life – and the degree of love and respect we need as an individual. To ignore these things is illogical.
A problem in a marriage may have nothing or little to do with “pink vs blue” or with the man not being respected. Trying to force every problem into this paradigm, like trying to force a square peg into a round hole, is not going to be effective. It may even allow a problem to keep simmering beneath the surface, erupting into something bigger later, because the root cause was not determined and an inappropriate solution was instituted.
Indeed, in the book, husbands and wives end up in the “crazy cycle” repeatedly. Hmm…Maybe this is because they have failed to see each other as individuals, forcing each other into artificial love and respect -or- pink and blue corners!
In all fairness, there are certainly some men and women who fit certain stereotypes about their sex – and some aspects of this book could be beneficial to them. There could be some marriage situations where a wife indeed needs to be more respectful to her husband, and her husband needs to improve how he demonstrates his love. But even then, I’d argue that there is still more to it!
I mentioned the “love languages” concept and after reading Love & Respect the mandatory conclusion would be that ALL men have the love language of “words of affirmation.” In Love & Respect, women are repeatedly told to respect their husbands, and various anecdotes and examples are shared – and it is primarily about women using verbal or written words to tell their man that they respect them and why.
BUT NOT ALL MEN have the love language of words of affirmation. My husband does not! As I read this book, I told my husband about it, and he requested that I please NOT do what this book suggests as it would drive him crazy. Again, there is little room for individuality in this book.
Page 112 actually tells wives that instead of signing a card “With all my love” or similar – instead sign it “With all my respect” or “With all my respect, the one who still admires you.” My husband and I laughed over this. Signing a card by emphasizing respect, to us, sounds like a way to close a business letter or some type of formal correspondence – not a personal communication between husband and wife! Just for fun, I’ve been randomly telling my husband “Oh, I so respect you!” and he rolls his eyes and we laugh.
For that matter, after reading this book, I walk away with a sad view of men. Men are apparently…very fragile, thin-skinned, and highly insecure. They must have constant reassurance and affirmation from women. Note the book subtitle, the respect he desperately needs. Hmm? My opinion of men is better than this, and if anyone – male or female – must be constantly affirmed, there are bigger underlying problems that need to be addressed with their psyche and spiritual state.
Oh dear – I am just under 1,000 words and so much more could be said. Briefly, the book brings in the entire Ephesians 5 passage (not just verse 33) and this passage is not properly explained and the cultural context of 2,000 years ago is not taken into consideration. To clarify, I do think there are important spiritual truths for us today in this Ephesians passage – but this book cherry picks certain phrases and comes to conclusions that just do not fit – even contradicting other themes of Scripture. (Tackling Ephesians 5 would take another post.)
One example, the book repeats “Remember, the husband is the Christ figure.” As the church looks to Christ, women should look to their husband. A wife does not feel called to die for her husband as he feels called to die for her. (see pages 147 and 175). The implications here are disturbing, and it conflicts with New Testament teaching as a whole. No one is Christ to me but Christ! In all things Jesus is to be preeminent in our lives (Colossians 1) – and that includes our marriages! Jesus told his followers – men AND women alike – to take up their cross and follow Him. Sacrificing self is not a command or call for men alone.
One more ridiculous statement in this book: “Husbands, particularly, can come under satanic attack when deprived of sexual release.” (page 252) In addition, a point in the book is that if a man cheats on his wife, his wife bears part of the blame because she failed to respect her husband properly. I say “part of the blame” to be generous and diplomatic with the book, as the book’s unbalanced emphasis on the man getting respect, ends up putting most of the blame on the wife.
The book’s approach, not just with sex, but other life issues, encourages selfishness in the man and provides an excuse for a man lacking self control or other characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit. But that quotation – Husbands can come under satanic attack when deprived of sexual release. C’mon! Please discerningly consider that on your own.
I found that parts of the book actually contradict other parts, thus undermining the book’s primary premise. Men supposedly have the unique calling to die for their wife as the Christ figure to her, but that is less likely to occur when your primary concern is being respected! Jesus was not focused on getting the respect he deserved.
I could write more, but will end this review. Clearly, I absolutely do not recommend this book to you. A whole other book could be written to point out all the problems, contradictions, and misapplications of Scripture. This book in particular is NOT good for women, but it is not good for men either.
Lest you think I am critical of every marriage book, I highly recommend Making Marriage Beautiful by Dorothy Greco. My review of that book is also on my blog. 5 stars to it!
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[An additional thought I am adding: Love & Respect is a patriarchal book but a bit in disguise. Be observant and discerning. I posted something elsewhere warning women about any book/counselor/pastor that places the blame on them (you failed to be respectful or submissive enough) when they have been sinned against. I was surprised by some of the likes because some of these women hold to a gender theology that supports this “lack of respect/submission” view – but they fail to see how their beliefs lead to this. Think out the implications of beliefs. Also, bad teaching is not always glaring. It can be worded in a way that softens it, cushioned in some nice things. Don’t be deceived.]
June 18, 2012
If you read nothing else regarding marriage and relationships, read this book!!! I have read many books, and attended many classes, seminars, etc. and nothing compares. This is the best, most interesting, insightful, profound, life-changing resource I have ever come across on this topic. You and your entire family will be blessed by this–even if your spouse does not go through it with you.
Dr. Eggerichs understands the power of habits or cycles, which can perpetuate themselves over long periods of time. Bad or crazy cycles can lock a couple into a downwardly-spiralling, soul-crushing prison, but breaking into cycles of change and passion creates power that can carry a couple, like the tides, into a renewed and lasting healthy relationship.
This book will help those who are considering marriage, those who are newly married, those who have been happily married for years, those who are in a crisis in their marriage, and those who have experienced the pain of a broken marriage. Beyond that, it’s a valuable tool towards understanding the different ways in which men and women think and respond…and how to improve our communication together.
God will use this to free you up to be all that you can be in your short life here on earth. He has great plans for you and the biblical information in the resource will go a long way toward increasing your effectiveness!
God Bless you in your invaluable role as husband or wife!
Dr. Eggerichs understands the power of habits or cycles, which can perpetuate themselves over long periods of time. Bad or crazy cycles can lock a couple into a downwardly-spiralling, soul-crushing prison, but breaking into cycles of change and passion creates power that can carry a couple, like the tides, into a renewed and lasting healthy relationship.
This book will help those who are considering marriage, those who are newly married, those who have been happily married for years, those who are in a crisis in their marriage, and those who have experienced the pain of a broken marriage. Beyond that, it’s a valuable tool towards understanding the different ways in which men and women think and respond…and how to improve our communication together.
God will use this to free you up to be all that you can be in your short life here on earth. He has great plans for you and the biblical information in the resource will go a long way toward increasing your effectiveness!
God Bless you in your invaluable role as husband or wife!
August 12, 2012
I debated giving this book two or three stars due to the very poor authorship, but the content was so practical and refreshing that I could not help but give it a four. This book is another one on my list that might offend some people out there, specifically women, but in the end speaks truth. Not some abstract personal truth, but hard truth that our modern culture refuses to accept. I think men reading this will relate to this book and recognize their need for the concepts this author represents, but be mindful, it will be awkward because it is very counter cultural. Approach it in prayer, and read it with your significant other. My wife read this first, and after reading it I became aware of how influential it had been in our marriage without me even knowing it due to her putting the principles into practice. I can't express how much it has done for us. If you can push past the first 4 or 5 chapters and get to the meat of the book, I assure you it will have a profound impact on your relationship with your other.
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