- Kay Wilson: Ever since you got off that boat you've been chasing me like an amorous goat. You've tried your darnedest to make me fall in love with you and now you have. So from now on I'm going to do the chasing, and believe me, brother, you're going to know you've been chased.
- George Carey: You be careful, madam, or you'll turn my pretty head with your flattery.
- Kay Wilson: I often wished I could turn your head - on a spit, over a slow fire.
- Kay Wilson: What did you put in this coffee?
- George Carey: Oh, just a little rum.
- Kay Wilson: Why?
- George Carey: [stammering] Well, because it's... it's... it's healthy, dear! It kills the bugs in the coffee!
- 'Doc' Ryan: [seeing Carey react to beautiful Kay onshore as the ship docks] What's the matter?
- George Carey: [reacting to Kay's beauty] Boy! Eighteen days alone on a boat is certainly a long time to be alone on a boat for eighteen days!
- Duke Sheldon: Listen, lady. I generally never sock a dame. But I'm inclined to make an exception of you.
- Kay's Mother: But you'll never win Kay back with a stuffed squirrel.
- George Carey: I'll never stuff another squirrel as long as I live.
- Kay Wilson: You're not getting anywhere, and I wish you'd stop.
- George Carey: Stop not getting anywhere?
- Kay Wilson: No. Stop getting me mixed up. I want you to be your old self. You're old stuffy, speech-making, pompous old self.
- Kay Wilson: I want to walk.
- George Carey: Oh, well, is this a private walk, or can anyone come?
- Kay Wilson: Anyone can come - even you.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: You told her about the oil?
- 'Doc' Ryan: [Nodding] She pumped it outta me.
- Duke Sheldon: [answers the phone in his hotel room] Hello. Oh, hello, Doc.
- 'Doc' Ryan: [from Kay's house, on the phone with Duke] Uh, Duke... uh, Duke, were you ever in love?
- Duke Sheldon: Say, what're you talking about?
- 'Doc' Ryan: I'm talking about love, Duke, you know. A nice little house, with a couple of kids and a porch. Um, not having to duck a cop every time you see a cellar.
- Duke Sheldon: Say, what have you been drinking?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Well look, Duke - if it's a boy, you can teach him to play baseball. And, if it's a bicycle, oh, Duke, you can put her ribbons on her and go walking on Sunday.
- Duke Sheldon: You better go and sleep it off.
- 'Doc' Ryan: You better remember another thing, Duke. Larry's had this here amnesia. Oh, Duke, you don't know amnesia. It just does things to a fella. For instance, you take love - love... .
- [he sees Kay sitting and watching and listening to him]
- Kay Wilson: I think we better have an understanding. I'm in this house simply because of our agreement - to convince the general public that I'm still your wife.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: All right. Convince me - I'm one of the public.
- Kay Wilson: Strikes me as a pretty foul thing to say about the public.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Maybe we better say you're still too weak to work.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Don't destroy my confidence because I haven't got any.
- Kay's Mother: Oh, doctor, how is he?
- 'Doc' Ryan: He's beginning to sit up and take notice.
- Kay's Mother: Is there anything special in the way of diet?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Well, yes. He needs stimulants - Scotch, brandy, champagne.
- Kay's Mother: Oh, but Mr. Wilson is a teetotaler.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Well, he'll just have to force himself.
- Kay Wilson: Doctor, is there anything we can get?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Not a thing. Not a thing.
- Kay's Mother: A little hot water, perhaps?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Oh, hot water - that's the worst thing.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Can you imagine? I meet a girl, mmmm
- [Throws a kiss with his hands]
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: , and in 20 minutes she's gonna divorce me.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Oh, Kay, you came to me.
- Kay Wilson: [Sarcastically] Wild horses couldn't keep me away.
- Herbert: She's been here all right, I saw the register.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Oh, did you now?
- Herbert: Yes - Lawrence Wilson and wife. That's the way you signed it, you dirty sneak. Whatta you mean by that?
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Well, after all, she's my wife, isn't she?
- Herbert: Well, she may be your wife, but she's engaged to me.
- Kay's Mother: [Rushing to meet Larry at the railroad station] Larry, darling. Oh, Larry, I'm so proud.
- [Kisses and hugs him]
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Ixnay! Ixnay - the wife.
- Kay Wilson: [Arriving behind her mother] Mother! Mother, darling.
- [They hug]
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Mother? Ah, uh, mother. Mother! How well you're looking.
- Kay's Mother: You look wonderful yourself.
- 'Doc' Ryan: You've snooted me long enough on this boat. This is supposed to be a pleasure cruise. You've been nothing but a killjoy. Why don't you take off that stuffed shirt?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Put the body on the bed, boys.
- Kay's Mother: Do you think it's serious, doctor?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's all right. He'll be quite all right. But he does need quiet. Absolute quiet.
- 'Doc' Ryan: [Coming into the kitchen after Kay dumped his plate on Larry's head] What've you got on ya?
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Scrambled eggs - what'd you think?
- 'Doc' Ryan: I didn't know.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Well, you saved my life last night.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: I sa... What'd I wanna do that for?
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: I wonder who she's waiving to.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Keep your mind on your work.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Lookit, Larry - you're not going overboard for your wife, are you?
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Just because a guy takes off his shoes and socks to go wading doesn't mean he's planning to swim the Atlantic, does it?
- 'Doc' Ryan: Well, so long as you don't get in over your head.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Say, I wonder if this Wilson had any dough.
- 'Doc' Ryan: He must have. You were the tightest guy I've ever seen. I, I mean, Wilson was.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: [after accepting the key to the city] And I only want to say that you all have the key to my heart.
- Herbert: [Beside Kay] Oh, the silver-tongued stuffed shirt.
- Herbert: Your idea of showing her a good time is to take her to the Annual Ladies Night Dinner given by the Brotherhood of Hoot Owls.
- Herbert: [to Larry Wilson/George Carey] Kay was never married to you.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Keep it clean. Keep it clean.
- Herbert: No, she was married to the Rotary, the Kiwanis, the Lions, the Moose, the Elks, and the Greater Habersville Committee.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Boy, is that bigamy.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Twenty-five percent of five grand.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: But you decided to go straight.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Ah! That was only a whim.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: And what do you suppose the female did then?
- Kay Wilson: Gave him a sharp peck at the base of the skull.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: No, no - she spread her soft little wing around him, then she sighed
- [He warbles]
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: , and she laid him an egg.
- 'Doc' Ryan: What about Duke?
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Yeah. I'm afraid Duke is just a wee bit mercenary.
- 'Doc' Ryan: Yeah, and he likes money, too.
- Kay Wilson: Stop getting me mixed up. I want you to be your old self - your old stuffy, speech-making, pompous old self. I don't want any more of this Jekyll and Hyde business.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: [to Duke Sheldon] What are you worrying about? Everything's going to be dandy wandy.
- Kay Wilson: You've done everything you could think of to make me miserable.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Well, what have I done?
- Kay Wilson: I suppose you didn't take me out and buy the most expensive clothes in town?
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Well, is that bad?
- Kay Wilson: And , I suppose you didn't say nice things to me and pay me dozens of compliments and try your best to please me? You couldn't have been more absolutely charming. You were just as nice and sweet and kind as you could be, and you know it.
- Larry Wilson aka George Carey: Well, I guess I've been a heel.