- Cathy: When it comes to sex, men can't help lying and women can't keep from telling the truth. I don't know which is worse.
- Ethel Williams: Have you noticed how insolent the help has become lately? Ever since the Kennedys got in.
- [the boys are discussing which one of the four boys will get it on with Cathy on Mondays]
- Fred Williams: I'm busy Monday nights.
- Doug Jackson: That busy?
- Fred Williams: Monday night the Greenwich Little League Association meets.
- George Drayton: Little league? This is big league stuff, baby. Night games.
- Fred Williams: What would you do? If a close friend of yours was carrying the torch for a girl that was acting like a - tramp.
- Slattery: How bad is he hooked?
- Fred Williams: About as bad as you can get. When he remembers the score, he knows he's on the loser's end. But, when the remembers the girl, he forgets the score. He just stops thinking!
- Slattery: Some guys use their heads. Some guys just plunge.
- Marge Drayton: What kind of stuff has he got?
- George Drayton: See that slow ball he just dropped in there? That's his fast ball.
- Ethel Williams: Waitress, waitress darling. Another round please.
- Waitress: Are you sure, madam?
- Ethel Williams: Madam is sure.
- Waitress: Madam is crocked.
- Fred Williams: [Slattery, the bartender, has just given Williams some good advice] You know something, Mr. Slattery? You know something, Mr. Slattery.
- Cathy: Fred, what's the matter?
- Fred Williams: The matter? It's one thing for a girl to be - to go wrong. A guy'd have to be pretty narrow-minded not to overlook a thing like that. But to make me a miserable guinea pig? To use a guy for, for an experiment? To be a dirty, contemptible... *sociologist*! That's about as low as you can get!
- Dr. Prokosch: It won't work. You're a student. A sociologist. Not a courtesan.
- Cathy: Don't you think I can be attractive enough?
- Dr. Prokosch: That's not the problem! The opposite. Can you look like yes and act like no? Can you entice and lure them, then postpone, evade, delay? It needs a special kind of experience and skill. This - a nice girl - hasn't learned.
- Cathy: No? This is what a nice girl has learned best.
- Cathy: I have here a list of 20 basic questions.
- Marge Drayton: Okay. Fire away.
- Cathy: Some of them may prove a bit embarrassing.
- Marge Drayton: Well, we'll see who blushes first.
- Fred Williams: In view of past history, I don't think Cathy and I will be seeing any of you again.
- Howard McIllenny: Oh, don't say that Fred. You're not going to let a dame like that bust up a friendship.
- Fred Williams: A dame like what?
- Howard McIllenny: Well, gee, Fred! You know, a dame who...
- Fred Williams: That does it. Stand up, buster.
- Howard McIllenny: I am standing up.
- Fred Williams: If you had any guts, you'd be taller.
- Dr. Prokosch: [when remarking that Cathy sees the four men on different nights doing research for her master's thesis, with Fred being the Thursday night man, whom Cathy is falling in love with and thus remembering the best] Wednesday was there Wednesday, Thursday was there last Sunday, yet you remember last Sunday's Thursday better than yesterday's Wednesday. Interesting, no?
- Fred Williams: It's a very important
- [little league]
- Fred Williams: game, really. We're battling it out for sixth place.
- Doug Jackson: [discussing his son's practice pitch] Look at that. Right over the plate, and only on one bounce.
- Boss' Girl Friend: But darling, a girl can't make a success on instincts alone. To understand a man takes a lifetime of study.
- Cathy: Isn't it amazing how much post graduate work goes on in this town?
- Joanne McIllenny: Will power, darling. Remember our diet.
- Howard McIllenny: Your diet, sweetheart. I'm not exactly what you could call fat.
- Joanne McIllenny: That's unkind, Howard. After all, I'm only doing it for your sake.
- Ethel Williams: Since you insist upon robbing yourself of sleep and undermining your heath, it really ought to be with girls!
- Fred Williams: As a famous philosopher once wrote, "If you could get milk for a penny a quart, you wouldn't keep a cow."
- Ethel Williams: No. Not if all you wanted was milk.
- Fred Williams: What else would I want from a cow?
- Ethel Williams: I don't know. Companionship?
- Doug Jackson: Of all the bonehead leads!
- Fred Williams: I'm sorry, partner. I'm just not with it today.
- Howard McIllenny: Slam, Game, and Rubber!
- Fred Williams: I thought you meant my ad. George's ad. He put one in too.
- Cathy: Where is it? Show me.
- Fred Williams: It's not in today's paper.
- Cathy: Yesterday's?
- Fred Williams: Tomorrow's.
- Cathy: And you thought I answered it today?
- George Drayton: Now we got to put that genius to work on one more little job.
- Doug Jackson: Right!
- George Drayton: Our companion!
- Fred Williams: Oh, come on fellas. Now, listen, let's not go into the details right now, huh?
- George Drayton: Just a small detail, Fred. One warm, delectable, luscious, juicy blonde.
- Cathy: [walks in from another room] Hello, boys. I'm Cathy. When would you like me to begin?
- Fred Williams: You're not waiting around to see them?
- Cathy: Well, it isn't everyday a girl gets a chance to meet men who know how to share. I mean *really* share.
- Howard McIllenny: We'd be just wasting our time.
- George Drayton: Not necessarily. What if we waste Fred's time?
- Doug Jackson: Yeah! It would serve him right.
- Howard McIllenny: For what?
- Doug Jackson: For being so damn right! Right?
- George Drayton: Right!
- Fred Williams: [talking to himself in the mirror after a few cocktails] How do you like guys like that? "Don't get yourself in an uproar, pal. They'll be here." If there's one thing I hate its guys who chippen out when the chicks are down. "That's a pretty fat tongue you got there bud."
- [doorbell rings]
- Fred Williams: Do you got a ringing in the ears? "Probably comes from drinking tee many martonis." What do you mean, tee many? I had exactly through. Three!
- Cathy: [on the phone] Oh, yes, Dr. Prokosch, it's just exactly what I need. Mmm-hmm. Four men. And I can use all four. It's a goldmine, doctor. And it fell right into my lap. Jealous? Oh, well, really, doctor. That's not my problem.
- George Drayton: Now, where was I?
- Miss Plotnik: [reading dictation] Motivation-wise, your Nymph perfume attack...
- George Drayton: Is way off target. You've got to make every woman feel that unless she uses Nymph perfume she's a pig. Period. Next paragraph.
- Howard McIllenny: I signed up for a course on Creative Accounting at the New School for Social Research.
- Cathy: Here is a whole semester's work. Two hundred questionnaires on the adolescent sexual fantasies of the adult suburban male. And they're all useless.
- Dr. Prokosch: Useless? Well, how can you write a thesis without facts?
- Cathy: Facts? This doctor is fiction. When it comes to sex, men don't even tell themselves the truth. And you expect them to tell me? Two hundred of the greatest lovers in the world. And they all live in Scarsdale.
- Doug Jackson: The boss thought I ought to sign up for a course in Creative Investment at the New School for Social Research.
- George Drayton: What a fabulous nape! Ever since I was a little kid, I've been kinda funny for neck napes.
- Dr. Prokosch: It's too dangerous.
- Cathy: No, it isn't. It really isn't. I've met these men. In a half hour, I learned their whole life histories. Well, they're wide-eyed kids who dream of being locked in a candy store - and eating their way out.
- Dr. Prokosch: Scientifically speaking, a love nest is not a candy bar. With men like this...
- Cathy: It's the modern pipe dream, doctor. Every book, every magazine, every ad, every movie they see - it's like - well, they forget that sex is just one small aspect of life.
- Dr. Prokosch: 2.6 per cent.
- Cathy: The whole thing is a fantasy. They don't really want this adventure. They've been sold that they're supposed to want it.
- Ethel Williams: When I was in college I had a boyfriend from Sweden and a Swedish massage always revives fond memories.
- George Drayton: I've signed up for a seminar on Creative Copyrighting at the New School for Social Research.
- Cathy: As you know, it's a scientific survey dealing with - very intimate matters.
- Joanne McIllenny: Yes, I've read some of them. Wow!
- Cathy: I know. You don't mind if I ask you some highly personal questions?
- Joanne McIllenny: Well, it isn't everyday a girl gets a chance to talk about - science!
- Joanne McIllenny: That's the girl that interviewed me the other day.
- Howard McIllenny: What? About what, Joanne?
- Joanne McIllenny: Nothin' important. Sex.
- Joanne McIllenny: It's not that I don't trust Howie; but, last night he was singing in the shower - in French!
- Cathy: It was like telling a girl she's not worth bothering with.
- Fred Williams: I tried bothering with you!
- Cathy: Good afternoon, Mrs. Jackson. I'm doing a sociological survey on the sexual patterns of the suburban male.
- Toni Jackson: You mean something like the Kinsey Report?
- Cathy: Well, a little. I wonder if you'd object to answering a few questions?
- Toni Jackson: Is that all the paper you've got?
- Joanne McIllenny: It's a strange thing about a monster. You sort of get used to havin' it around the house.
- Cathy: Doug, give that to me this instance. I need it!
- Doug Jackson: Why? So you can bleed us all white?