- Mate: And in come the three bears. The Daddy Bear said, "Who's been sleeping in my porridge?" - and the Mummy Bear said, "That's no porridge, that was my wife!"
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: [His top hat has a miniature radar on top] I tell you, it's the latest early-warning hat. It gives you that extra 4 minutes in bed.
- The BBC: I never wore a hat in bed. I've been a Catholic person for a long time now, and I wouldn't know where to begin.
- Inspector: [part of long, mock-Churchillian speech] ... the lion shall lie down with the lamb, the goat shall give suck to the tiny bee...
- Bules Martin: Well, you know, you've been a bit off-colour.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Yes, I know, and what's more, I've not been eating anything.
- Bules Martin: Why is that?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I can't get the stuff.
- Inspector: At times of great national emergency, you'll often find that a new leader tends to emerge. Here I am. So, watch it!
- The BBC: On this the third, or is it the fourth, anniversary of the nuclear misunderstanding which led to the Third World War, here is the--of the Third World War, here is the last recorded statement of the Prime Minister, as he then was, who had just succeeded his illustrious father into office, "I feel I am not boasting when I remind you that this was, without a shadow of a doubt, the very shortest war in living memory. Two minutes, 28 seconds, up to and including the grave process of signing the peace treaty fully blotted. The great task of burying our 40 million dead was also carried out in great expediency and good will.
- The BBC: You know, this great country of ours often sticks in the mud of the past, searches out and holds up to the light the mistakes of past times.
- The BBC: That, I'm afraid, was the end of the news. Our next scheduled program will be on August bank holiday, when Charlton Heston will wrestle his Holiness the Pope, for the Sportsman of the Year title. Until then, all walk backwards into long shot while 'Good Night' is given.
- [singing]
- The BBC: God Save Mrs. Ethel Shroake, Long Live Mrs. Ethel Shroake, God Save Mrs. Ethel Shroake...
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Well, things were going swimmingly until that, eh, well, until they dropped the ol', well, now, you know...
- Bules Martin: Oh, the ol' vroom!
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: That's the...
- Bules Martin: Did the noise keep you awake?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Oh, I slept through it all right. Yes, in fact, I was in England, still abed, albeit in a club chair, the Third World War took place. I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
- Bules Martin: I was standing by, ready to face the enemy, whoever they might be, and I couldn't find them. Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I haven't the least idea.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I thought, Doctor, I thought you'd might give me breakfast as a prescription against malnutrition.
- Bules Martin: Ah, yes, well, take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Doctor, look, since this thing dropped. This-this rude thing--this, um, eh...
- Bules Martin: Vroom.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: That's the fellow. I-I-I had terrible, morbid fears. I think--I may turn into a bed-sitting room.
- Bules Martin: Eh, eh, that's probably atomic mutations. There's a lot of it about.
- Alan: Actually, sir, I'm a commuter chap. You know, backwards and forwards.
- Mother: That's nice.
- Alan: Forwards and backwards.
- Father: How dare you!
- Mother: Does it get boring?
- Father: How really dare you say such things.
- [looks at his pregnant daughter Penelope]
- Father: And *do* them.
- [Penelope snickers]
- Alan: Well, I'd be interested in joining your party. I'm sure you could use another pair of hands.
- Father: You keep your filthy commuter hands to yourself!
- Alan: I hear a rumor, sir, that the Pope's now allowing contraceptives for all occasions--except during sexual intercourse.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: You will do your duty, young man. I wish to speak to your superior. I expect to turn into a bed-sitting room very shortly.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Where can I stop?
- Inspector: You can't stop anywhere, sir, as you very well know. We don't want to stay in one place long enough for the enemy to have another chance at us, do we? Not until our preemptive strike is launched. Do we, sir? Do we, sir!
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Have we not struck back? Has England not? We should have struck back three years ago, if not before.
- Inspector: I expect we did, sir. These things take time.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Absolutely refuse to handle me, until I've turned into a bed-sitting room.
- Inspector: And you are not that?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: Not yet! Fully. Damn you, man. Do I--do I look like a bed-sitting room?
- Inspector: It's not for me to say, sir.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: I don't want to turn into a bed-sitting room. I-I don't. You can't have a Lord turning into that sort of thing.
- Father: She's got big busts, hasn't she, for a girl her age.
- Alan: Yeah.
- Father: Well, this bust, especially, it seems to, the nipples seem to stand out more on that one.
- Mother: Father's very observant. He was in the Corp!
- Penelope: I wish you wouldn't talk about me in front of Alan. He doesn't want to know about my busts.
- Alan: No! I do! I do!
- [Penelope smiles]
- Mother: Shall we stop her for tea?
- Father: I hope all this family talk isn't boring you, Alan.
- Alan: No, not a bit of it.
- Mother: If I had known the end would be such a relief, if only I'd--and I used to say, "For Christ's sake, drop it." Didn't I?
- Nurse Arthur: It's your wife being alive that seems to be all the trouble, sir.
- Father: I'm sorry.
- Mother: Oh, I'm sorry. We don't want to cause any trouble.
- Bules Martin: What were you doing before this, then?
- Shelter Man: I was in the Army, actually. I'm a Captain.
- Bules Martin: Oh, I say! What regiment?
- Shelter Man: Oh, we didn't know, owing to the Official Secrets Act.
- Bules Martin: Oh, it's getting late. Now for my humiliation. Now, what have I done with my Defeat of England medal?
- [removes bowler and looks towards the sky]
- Bules Martin: Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I've failed you. I tried to catch the thing before it hit the Palace, but one of your corgis bit me!
- Shelter Man: Will you do for me what my first wife did? Doris tries but she can't coordinate, you see. Will you do it for me?
- Mother: Well, so long as we get it over quickly--before Daddy misses me.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: [as a bed-sitting room] Put a card-put a card in the window. No coloreds. No children. And definitely no colored children!
- Mother: [as a cupboard] Have you not yet finished with my poor bruised body?
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: [as a bed-sitting room] You that black man's woman?
- Mother: That's hardly likely in my condition.
- Lord Fortnum of Alamein: And what is your condition?
- Mother: I'm a cupboard. Will nobody close my drawers?
- Under Water Vicar: Will you join hands please. Good. Good. And now for a good book.
- [singsongy]
- Under Water Vicar: I'm a naughty gamekeeper. Took her in to the potting shed. And lies her upon the ground. And we...
- Bules Martin: Huh? I say, all's that in the Bible?
- Under Water Vicar: No, it's "Lady Chatterly's Lover."
- Nurse Arthur: Best thing to do is to talk dirty among yourselves. Well, if you can't come to that, flip through the dirty books.
- The BBC: What will you have, old boy?
- Bules Martin: I'll have a large--eh--water.
- The BBC: Water?
- Bules Martin: No. Not for me.
- Inspector: Evening. We're looking for a man.
- Bules Martin: Are you indeed, Inspector? There aren't many of us left, you know.
- Inspector: We're also looking for a bed-sitting room.
- Bules Martin: Aren't we all!
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