- Station Manager Harold Ramis: This is Harold Ramis speaking for the management of Second City Television. SCTV recognizes its responsibility to the community, and condemns the excessive use of explicit sexual material in television today. We do, however, love violence, so parental discretion _is_ advised in viewing the following program. Viewers will note, however, that the attitudes and opinions reflected in this program do not reflect the views of the management of this station, the producers of this program, the writers, the actors, or indeed, anyone in the audience. So if you're thinking of suing or phoning in complaints, don't bother. This program is produced in Argentina and then dubbed into English. Besides, if you're all that sensitive, you just don't have to watch the program! I mean you've got arms, why don't you get up and change the channel? See who's on Merv Griffin, that's about your speed, isn't it? Nothing offensive about old Merv! Take your parental disc...
- [Ramis is pulled off the screen by a giant hook]
- Moe Green: [on Dialing for Dollars]
- [to camera]
- Moe Green: We're trying to reach Mr. Paul Pope of Melonville to see if he knows the name of tonight's movie.
- Moe Green: [sfx phone ring] Hello?
- Moe Green: Hello, is this Paul Pope?
- Pope Paul: No. This is Pope Paul.
- Moe Green: Pope Paul?
- [to camera]
- Moe Green: We seem to have reached the Vatican, ladies and gentlemen.
- Moe Green: [to phone] Well, hello, your Holiness, this is Moe Green on Dialing for Dollars.
- Pope Paul: Moe Green? Weren't you... hamana hamana
- [memory lapse]
- Moe Green: Uh, no. Your Holiness, we're trying to find someone who can tell us the name of tonight's movie.
- Pope Paul: Movie?
- Moe Green: Yes. Would you like to take a guess? If you're correct, you'll win the jackpot of SIXTEEN dollars.
- Pope Paul: Uh... hmmm... The Doberman Gang?
- Moe Green: Oooo, I'm sorry, that isn't the name of tonight's movie, so that means that our jackpot will increase to SEVENTEEN dollars.
- Filth's boss: The pope's coming to town next week.
- Harry Filth: You want me to off him?
- Station Manager Harold Ramis: This is Harold Ramis speaking for the management of SCTV. The following program contains racial and ethnic material that may offend certain sensitive viewers. However, viewers may note the deprecating ethnic and racial jokes in no way reflect the attitudes or opinions of the management of this station. We, deplore the use of jokes such as how to tell the bride at a Latvian wedding? Or how many Polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Unfortunately such jokes do exist. I myself am of Polish descent and can attest to cruelty, hurt, and shame that can result from these vicious racial slurs. So please remember, the racial and ethnic attitudes presented in this show do not in any way reflect the attitudes of this station, this network, or the sponsors of this program... and now the Second City Television show. Gentlemen?
- [Harold Ramis puts his hand on the TV's knob while John Candy and Dave Thomas turn the TV on its side]
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