- Fozzie: [walking into the church and seeing the Electric Mayhem] They don't look like Presbyterians to me.
- Kermit: [singing] Life's like a movie, write your own ending...
- All Muppets: [singing] Keep believing, keep pretending; we've done just what we've set out to do, thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!
- Fozzie: Hey, why don't you join us?
- Gonzo: Where are you going?
- Fozzie: We're following our dream!
- Gonzo: Really? I have a dream, too!
- Fozzie: Oh?
- Gonzo: But you'll think it's stupid.
- Fozzie: No we won't, tell us, tell us!
- Gonzo: Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.
- Fozzie: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star! You go where we're going: Hollywood.
- Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way.
- Fozzie: [to Kermit] We've picked up a weirdo...
- Kermit: That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwinn.
- [first lines]
- Statler: I'm Statler.
- Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".
- Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.
- Statler: Private screening?
- Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
- [they laugh as their car proceeds forward]
- Kermit: I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features.
- Kermit's Conscience: So why did you leave the swamp in the first place?
- Kermit: 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody.
- Kermit's Conscience: On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow.
- Kermit: Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear, and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey.
- Kermit's Conscience: [Kermit's Conscience is sitting on a rock behind him] Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much.
- Kermit: No I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault.
- Kermit's Conscience: Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come.
- Kermit: But... that's because they believed in me.
- Kermit's Conscience: No, they believed in the dream.
- Kermit: Well, so do I, but...
- Kermit's Conscience: You do?
- Kermit: Yeah! Of course I do.
- Kermit's Conscience: Well then?
- Kermit: Well then... I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.
- Kermit: [singing; repeated lines] Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
- El Sleezo Cafe Owner: That's toughest, meanest, *filthiest* pest hole on the face of the earth!
- Kermit: Why not complain to the owner?
- El Sleezo Cafe Owner: I *am* the owner.
- Miss Piggy: Kermie, whisper sweet nothings into my ear.
- Kermit: Uh... motorcycle cop.
- Miss Piggy: "Motorcycle cop" is a sweet nothing?
- Kermit: A motorcycle cop is chasing us.
- Miss Piggy: [gushing] Ooh, you mad, impetuous thing, it's champagne!
- Insolent Waiter: Not exactly. Sparkling Muscatel, one of the finest wines of Idaho.
- [Professor Max Krassman has just put Kermit in the electronic beanie]
- Miss Piggy: [desperate] Please! Please! Not my frog, please!
- Max Krassman: Say goodbye to your frog, pig!
- Miss Piggy: Why should I?
- Max Krassman: Because in 10 seconds, he won't know *you* from kosher bacon.
- Miss Piggy: [furious] That does it!
- Rowlf the Dog: Oh. Broken heart, right?
- Kermit: [sadly] Does it show?
- Rowlf the Dog: Listen, when you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star.
- Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
- Rowlf the Dog: Ah, typical. That's why I live alone.
- Kermit: You do, huh?
- Rowlf the Dog: You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed.
- Kermit: Nice and simple.
- Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women. That's my motto.
- Kermit: But I can't.
- Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I. And that's my trouble.
- Doc Hopper: Max, I've done my best with that frog, now's the time to do my worst. Open the door.
- Max: No, YOU open the door!
- Doc Hopper: What?
- Max: I'm through, Doc. The frog is right. You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it. It's a moral decision and I'll stand by it.
- Doc Hopper: I'll double your percentage.
- Max: I'll open the door.
- Kermit: [Movie stops after burning in projector lamp] Hey, what happened?
- The Swedish Chef: [In projector booth, covered in film] Gersh gurndy morn-dee burn-dee, burn-dee, flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip-flip.
- Robin the Frog: Uncle Kermit, is this how the Muppets *really* got started?
- Kermit: Well, it's sort of approximately how it happened.
- Mad Man Mooney: Jack, get rid of this heap. Come out here!
- Sweetums: What? What?
- Mad Man Mooney: That's my jack.
- Kermit: Oh, hi Jack!
- Sweetums: Jack not name! Jack job!
- Mad Man Mooney: [whispering] How many times have I told you not to talk to the customers?
- Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.
- Fozzie: What is that?
- Kermit: Maybe we should give him a ride.
- Fozzie: I don't know, he's pretty big.
- Fozzie: [to Big Bird] Hey there, wanna lift?
- Big Bird: Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.
- Fozzie: Oh. Hm, good luck.
- Dr. Teeth: [reading the screenplay] "Interior. Church. Day. Fozzie: 'They don't look like Presbyterians to me.'"
- Kermit: [asks the waiter to taste the wine for him and Miss Piggy] Will you taste it for us, please?
- Insolent Waiter: [tastes the wine, makes a face and spits it out] Ooh! Ah... Excellent - choice.
- Kermit: [to Miss Piggy] Should be, for ninety-five cents.
- Miss Piggy: [impressed] Ooooh!
- Fozzie: Oh, I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?
- [Animal roars and scares Kermit and Fozzie]
- Floyd Pepper: Oh, yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal.
- Animal: I want to - eat drums!
- [chews on a cymbal]
- Dr. Teeth: No, no. Beat drums, beat drums!
- Animal: [stops chewing] Beat drums! Beat drums!
- [Starts beating his head against that same cymbal]
- Floyd Pepper: Down, Animal!
- Animal: DOWN!
- Floyd Pepper: Back!
- Animal: BACK!
- Floyd Pepper: Sit!
- Animal: SIT!
- Miss Piggy: [as Beaker combs her hair, he comes across a tangle] Ow!
- [turns around]
- Miss Piggy: Watch it!
- [Beaker beeps back hurriedly]
- Kermit: [through his megaphone] Miss Piggy, you look beautiful!
- Miss Piggy: Thank you!
- Kermit: [aside] Hollywood talk.
- Fozzie: Hello, I'd like an ice cream.
- Ice Cream Vendor: What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach fudge, rum, banana?
- Fozzie: Honey.
- Ice Cream Vendor: Honey? I beg your pardon, I hardly know you.
- Fozzie: Ahhhhhhhh! But seriously, I'd like a honey ice cream cone for me, and a dragonfly ripple for my friend the frog.
- Ice Cream Vendor: OK.
- [handing him the two ice cream cones]
- Ice Cream Vendor: One honey cone for the bear.
- Fozzie: Yeah.
- Ice Cream Vendor: And one dragonfly ripple for the frog.
- Fozzie: Yucha.
- Ice Cream Vendor: Don't get 'em mixed up.
- Fozzie: Gotcha.
- Doc Hopper: [appearing from behind a billboard showing a bucket of "Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs"] Ha-ha-ha-haaa! You got the picture, boy! You see what I mean? Kermit *the* Frog, symbol of Doc Hopper's French Fried Frog Legs! Isn't that splendid? Just splendid! Just take a look at it.
- Kermit: All I can see are millions of frogs on tiny crutches.
- Kermit: [whispering] This is the patriotic part.
- Robin the Frog: [whispering back] Should we stand up?
- Kermit: No.
- Fozzie: [after singing "America the Beautiful"] Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear.
- Fozzie: [after he's thrown behind the bar, he pops up wearing a beard and dressed like the bartender]
- [Yelling]
- Fozzie: Okay everybody, drinks on the house!
- Male El Sleezo Patron: Hey, drinks on the house! C'mon let's go!
- Fozzie: [as everyone but him and Kermit vacate the place] Yeah. Yeah. Go, go. They're on the house!
- Male El Sleezo Patron: [Cut to the roof of the El Sleezo, where everyone else is now]
- [Among the confusion and chatter of everyone else]
- Male El Sleezo Patron: Wait a minute! There're no drinks up here! What's he talking about? The bartender told us there were drinks on the house!
- Fozzie: [Cut back to the interior of the El Sleezo. After Fozzie removes the beard and moustache] Works every time.
- Max Krassman: It is important to remember that you have to hold on to your hat.
- Doc Hopper: What for?
- Max Krassman: When a German scientist tells you to hold on to your hat, it's not casual conversation. HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT! HAT! HOLD!
- [Doc Hopper grabs his hat brim]
- Max Krassman: Good.
- Miss Piggy: Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!
- Kermit: Gee, I don't know what to say.
- Fozzie: Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.
- Gonzo: And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!
- Miss Piggy: Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!
- Kermit: Gee.
- Fozzie: Oh, brother.
- Floyd Pepper: [about the Insta-Grow pills] Yeah, man, well, what else do these pills make big?
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Oh, they'll work on anything, but the effect is, sadly, temporary.
- Beaker: Sadly temporary.
- [sighs]
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