- Scrooge: And what can I do for you two gentlemen?
- Collector for the Poor #1: Sir, we are collecting funds for the indigent and destitute.
- Scrooge: For the what?
- Collector for the Poor #2: [tipping his hat] We're collecting for the poor.
- Scrooge: Oh. Aha. Well um, you realize if you give money to the poor, they won't be poor anymore, will they?
- Collector for the Poor #2: Well, I...
- Scrooge: And if they're not *poor* anymore, then you won't have to raise money for them anymore.
- Collector for the Poor #1: Well, I suppose...
- Scrooge: And if you don't have to raise money for them anymore, then you'd be out of a job. Oh please, gentlemen, don't ask me to put you out of a job. Not on Christmas Eve.
- Collector for the Poor #1: Oh, we wouldn't do that, Mr. Scrooge.
- Scrooge: [giving them a wreath] Well then, I suggest you give this to the poor and be gone.
- [Slams door on them]
- Scrooge: Spirit, whose lonely grave is this?
- [Ghost flicks a lighter revealing Scrooge's name on the tombstone, gasps, Ghost removes his hood and lights a cigar]
- Ghost of Christmas Future (Pete): Why yours, Ebenezer. The richest man in the cemetery!
- [laughs as he throws Scrooge in the grave]
- Scrooge: My partner, Jacob Marley, dead seven years today. Oh, he was a good'n. He robbed from the widows and swindled the poor.
- [chuckles, then knocks the snow covering his business sign "Scrooge and Marley" with his cane]
- Scrooge: In his will, he left me enough money to pay for his tombstone. Huh, yet I have him buried at sea!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: *Well*, it's about time! Haven't got all night, you know.
- Scrooge: Who... who are you?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Why...
- [chuckles]
- Ghost of Christmas Past: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
- [reveals a medal badge that reads "Ghost of Christmas Past Official"]
- Scrooge: Ohhh, I thought you'd be taller.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Hmph! Listen, Scrooge: if men were measured by kindness, you'd be no - *bigger* than a... speck o'dust!
- Scrooge: [yawns then turns over to try to get back to sleep] Kindness is of little use in this world.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: You didn't always think so. Come on, Scrooge, it's time to go!
- Scrooge: Then go!
- Scrooge: And what are you doing here, nephew?
- Fred: I've come to give you a wreath and invite you to Christmas dinner.
- Scrooge: [touched by Fred's invitation] Well! I suppose you're going to have plump goose with chestnut dressing?
- Fred: Yup.
- Scrooge: And will you have plum pudding and lemon sauce?
- Fred: Yeah, boy oh boy!
- Scrooge: And candied fruit with spiced sugar cakes?
- Fred: Yeah, will you come?
- Scrooge: Are you daft, man? You know I can't eat that stuff! Here's your wreath back. Now, out, out, out!
- [kicks Fred out the door and slams it after him]
- Scrooge: Bah... humbug!
- Fred: [comes back opening the door] Merry Christmas!
- [Fred hangs the wreath on the inside doorknob then leaves]
- Scrooge: [turning to Bob] And a bah humbug to you!
- Scrooge: [sighs] What's this world coming to, Cratchit? You work all your life to get money... then people want you to give it away.
- [Bob closes his book and starts to leave as the clock chimes 7:00. Scrooge looks at his watch]
- Scrooge: Hmm... Two minutes fast.
- [Bob stops then goes back to his desk]
- Scrooge: Well, never mind those two minutes. You may go now.
- Cratchit: Ha, oh thank you, sir!
- [closes his book and hops down from his chair]
- Cratchit: You're so kind!
- Scrooge: Never mind that mushy stuff, just go! But be here all the other early the next day!
- Cratchit: I will, I will, sir! And a Bah Humbug...
- [realizes his misgreeting]
- Cratchit: I mean, a Merry Christmas to you, sir!
- Marley: Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits.
- [holds up two fingers]
- Marley: Listen to 'em. Do what they say, or your chains will be heavier than mine.
- [singing]
- Marley: Farewell, Ebenezer.
- [almost slips on Scrooge's fallen cane, but avoids so by stepping over it and slips away through the door]
- Marley: Farewell...
- Scrooge: Marley! Watch out for that first...!
- [Marley goes crashing down the stairs]
- Scrooge: ...step.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: [as Scrooge panics while flying toward the past] What's wrong, Scrooge?
- [laughs]
- Ghost of Christmas Past: I thought you enjoyed looking down on the world!
- Scrooge: Please, let me go! Don't eat me!
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Why would the Ghost of Christmas Present - that's me - want to eat a distasteful little miser like you?... Especially when there are so many good things to enjoy in life? See?
- Scrooge: Tell me, spirit, what's wrong with that kind lad?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Much, I'm afraid. If these shadows remain unchanged, I see an empty chair where Tiny Tim once sat.
- Scrooge: Then that means Tim will...
- Scrooge: And that shy lad in the corner, that's me.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Yes, that was before you became a miserable miser, consumed by greed.
- Scrooge: Well, nobody's perfect.
- Scrooge: Merry Christmas to one and all!
- [Slides down banister]
- Scrooge: Ah, bless me. Good morning, gentlemen. I've something for ya.
- [Puts a bag of coins on the second collector's head]
- Collector for the Poor #1: Twenty gold sovereigns! Oh, no!
- Scrooge: Not enough? Here.
- [Puts another bag on the collector's pants]
- Scrooge: Fifty gold sovereigns!
- Collector for the Poor #2: Really, Mister Scrooge. It's...
- Scrooge: Still not enough! You drive a hard bargain. Here you are.
- [Throws several bags at the collectors]
- Scrooge: One hundred gold pieces, and not a penny more!
- Collector for the Poor #1: Oh, thank you, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you! And a *merry* Christmas to you!
- Scrooge: Ah, nephew!
- Fred: Uncle Scrooge!
- Scrooge: I'm looking forward to that wonderful meal of yours.
- Fred: [to his horse, softly] Well, I'll be doggone.
- [back to Scrooge, excitedly]
- Fred: You mean you're coming?
- Scrooge: Of course I am! You know how much I love candied fruit with spiced sugar cakes.
- [Fred laughs]
- Scrooge: I'll be over there promptly at two! Keep it piping hot!
- Fred: [joyfully] I will, Uncle Scrooge, I *will*! And a *very* merry Christmas to you!
- Scrooge: [catches Cratchit trying to heat up the office] Cratchit, what are you doing with that piece of coal?
- Cratchit: I was j-j-just trying to thaw out the ink.
- Scrooge: Bah! You used that piece last week!
- [knocks the coal out of his hand into the trash can]
- Scrooge: Now, get on with your work, Cratchit!
- Scrooge: Ooh... Minced pies... Turkies... Suckling pig.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Duh, don't forget the chocolate pot roast with dismenshio... No, it's pismechio... No, it's disminglishmaguh... Duh, with yogurt.
- Scrooge: Ahhh, I remember how much I was in love with her.
- [a wind blows and the lights inside go out]
- Ghost of Christmas Past: In ten years time, you learned to love something else.
- Scrooge: Why, it's my counting house.
- [Scrooge sees himself sitting in his chair counting money]
- Scrooge: 9,971, 9,972...
- Belle: Ebenezer?
- Scrooge: Yes, what is it?
- Belle: For years, I've had this honeymoon cottage, Ebenezer. I've been waiting for you to keep your promise to marry me. Now I must know, have you made your decision?
- Scrooge: [sternly] I have! Your last payment on the cottage was an hour late! I'm fore-*closing* the mortgage!
- [Belle walks away, crying]
- Ghost of Christmas Past: You loved your gold more than that precious creature, and you lost her forever.
- Scrooge: 9,97...
- [Belle leaves and slams the door behind her, hard enough to make the coins clatter everywhere]
- Scrooge: ... 3.
- Scrooge: Please, spirit, I can no longer bear these memories! Take me home!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Remember, Scrooge, you fashioned these memories yourself.
- [echoes]
- Fred: Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!
- Scrooge: [closes his book and marches to Fred and Cratchit] What's so merry about it? I'll tell you what Christmas is. It's just another workday, and any jackanape who thinks else should be... boiled in his own pudding!
- Fred: [recoiling sorrowfully] Ohhh.
- Cratchit: But sir, Christmas is a time for giving... a time to be with one's family.
- Scrooge: I say bah humbug!
- Fred: I don't care. I'd say merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!
- Cratchit: [clapping] Well said, Master Fred!
- Scrooge: Cratchit, what're you doing?
- Cratchit: [stops clapping and chuckles nervously] I was just trying to keep my hands warm, sir.
- Cratchit: Speaking of work, Mr. Scrooge, tomorrow is Christmas, and I was wondering if I could have... a half a day off?
- Scrooge: Christmas, eh? Uh, er... I suppose so. But I'll dock you half a day's pay. Let's see, I pay you two shillings a day...
- Cratchit: Two shillings and a halfpenny, Sir.
- Scrooge: Oh yes, I gave you that raise three years ago.
- Cratchit: Yes, sir, when I started doing your laundry.
- Scrooge: Alright, Cratchit, get busy while I go over my books. Oh, and here...
- [Scrooge picks up a bag and tosses it to Cratchit]
- Scrooge: Here's another bundle of shirts for ya.
- Cratchit: Yes, sir!
- Scrooge: But where did all this come from?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: From the heart, Scrooge. It's the food of generosity, which you have long denied your fellow man.
- Scrooge: Generosity? Ha! Nobody has ever shown *me* generosity!
- Ghost of Christmas Present: You've never given them reason to.
- [plucks off a grape then gulps it]
- Ghost of Christmas Present: And yet... there are some who still find enough warmth in their hearts even for the likes of you.
- Scrooge: Hmph! No acquaintance of mine, I assure you.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Duh, you'll see.
- Cratchit: Why, Mr. Scrooge, Merry Christmas.
- [Scrooge barges in]
- Cratchit: Won't you come in?
- Scrooge: Merry Christmas? Humph!
- [drops a bag on the floor]
- Scrooge: I have another bundle for you.
- Cratchit: But sir, it's Christmas Day.
- Scrooge: Christmas Day, indeed! Just another excuse for being lazy. And another thing, Cratchit: I've had enough of this 'half-day off' stuff! You leave me no alternative...
- [changing his attitude]
- Scrooge: ...but to give you...
- Tiny Tim: [opens the bag] Toys!
- Scrooge: Yes, toys. No no no no no no no!
- [lovingly]
- Scrooge: I'm giving you a raise... and making you my partner.
- Cratchit: Uh... partner? Oh, thank you, Mr. Scrooge.
- Scrooge: What's she cooking, a canary? Surely they have more food than that. Look on the fire.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Huh, where? Oh, that's your laundry.
- Gravedigger #1: I've never seen a funeral like this one.
- Gravedigger #2: Aye. No mourners, no friends to bid him farewell.
- Gravedigger #1: Oh, well. Let's rest a minute before we throw 'im in, eh? He ain't going nowhere.
- [both laugh as they leave]