- Josh: Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. Gosh.
- Billy: Who the fuck do you think you are ?
- Josh: *Hey*!
- Billy: You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in *my* basement when Robert Dyson was about to rip your head off!
- Josh: You don't get it, do you? This is important!
- Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?
- [Turns to leave]
- Billy: And I'm three months older than you are, *asshole*!
- Young Josh, Billy: The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times.
- Personnel Director: Where did you go to school?
- Josh: It was called George Washington.
- Personnel Director: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge?
- Josh: Yes. Every morning.
- Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
- Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.
- Mrs. Baskin: You have my son?
- Josh: [Over the phone] Yes.
- Mrs. Baskin: Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer.
- Josh: Wow, thanks.
- Josh: My best sport is video hockey.
- Paul: That isn't a sport.
- Josh: Well, It takes eye-to-hand coordination.
- Paul: It's not a sport if you don't sweat.
- Josh: Well, what about golf? You don't sweat and that's a sport.
- Paul: It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work.
- Josh: What about car racing?
- Paul: Aw, shut up, Baskin!
- Josh: What's this?
- Scotty Brennen: Pay day.
- Josh: [Opens up the envelope and looks at his check] *A hundred and eighty seven dollars*?
- Scotty Brennen: Yeah. They really screw you don't they?
- Susan: It happened again. David, the girl is absolutely useless. You've gotta get me someone who knows what she is doing. Excuse me. I'm not getting any of my mail, nothing has been filed. Ever since she got engaged, my life has been a disaster.
- Personnel Director: You know, she came so highly recommended.
- Susan: She spent the last three months writing down her married name. "Mrs. Judy Hicks", "Mrs. Donald Hicks"; "Mrs. Judy Mitchellson Hicks", sometimes with a hyphen, sometimes without a hyphen. Sometimes, she spells the hyphen.
- Bank Teller: [cashing Josh's first paycheck] Okay, so how would you like that?
- Josh: [he and Billy discuss it privately, then return to the window] Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill and 87 ones.
- Bank Teller: [pause] Okay...
- [takes out stack of $1 bills]
- Bank Teller: One, two, three, four...
- Josh: [inputting toy orders] The Dinky Link... Jimmy's Toy Box...
- Scotty Brennen: [in the next cubicle] Psst, hey, I'm Scott Brennan.
- Josh: I'm Josh Baskin.
- Scotty Brennen: Listen, what're you tryin' to do, get us all fired? You gotta pace yourself, slowly, slowly.
- Josh: It's my first day.
- Scotty Brennen: I know!
- Josh: [playing racketball] That was under the line.
- Paul: What?
- Josh: That was under the line. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.
- Paul: No, I didn't.
- Josh: Yeah you did. You said it had to be over the line on a serve.
- Paul: No I did not, now give me the goddamn ball!
- Josh: Well that's cheating.
- Paul: Give me the goddamn ball, will you?
- Josh: No.
- Paul: Give me the ball, you little shit.
- Josh: It's my serve.
- Paul: Give me the ball! *Give me the goddamn ball*! I never said that!
- Josh: Yes you did.
- Paul: Give me the...
- [Josh starts to run, Paul gives chase]
- Paul: Give me the... Give me the ball. Give me the ball!
- MacMillan: You can't keep a kid from growing up. All a 13-year-old boy wants is a 13-year-old girl. And I sure don't know how to build one of those.
- Billy: [about the luxuries in Josh's office] You're the luckiest guy I know!
- [Josh plays with a punching hand puppet until he hits himself]
- Man with beard on street: *Fine*! Fine. Fine. Fine, fine! Kill the bitch. Kill the bitch. Kill her with a knife. Kill the bitch. Put it in. Bitch! Kill the bitch! Kill her!
- Josh: Well, there's a million robots that turn into something. And this is a building that turns into a robot. So what's so fun about playing with a building? That's not any fun!
- Josh: No. Mom, listen please, it's me, Josh. I made a wish on this machine and it turned me into a grown up.
- Susan: [finding Josh by the Zoltar machine] Josh?
- Josh: Susan.
- Susan: You know, you don't walk out on somebody. You don't just get up and leave and... and... and walk out like that. You don't do that.
- Josh: I know. I know. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say.
- Susan: [a card pops out of the machine, Susans reads it, and she is upset to be convinced] Oh, God. You got your wish.
- Josh: I tried to tell you.
- Susan: I didn't listen. I guess I didn't hear you, or... or want to, or...
- Josh: I tried to tell you last night.
- Susan: How would I have... Even if I did listen, how would I know?
- Josh: I've been thinking about this.
- Susan: Why would I know that?
- Josh: I've been trying... I've been thinking about it, and there's a million reasons for me to go home... but there's only one reason for me to stay.
- Susan: What... What reason is that?
- Josh: Well, you.
- [last lines]
- Young Josh: I'm just not good enough.
- Billy: What are you talking about? You've been hitting the ball over the fence almost every time in stickball. You just gotta get used to a fatter bat.
- Young Josh: You really think I could do it?
- Billy: Yeah!
- Young Josh: Come on. We'll hit some after supper.
- Billy: Okay. I'll call for you.
- [they walk off down the street together]
- Josh: [trying in vain to reveal his true age] I miss my family, Susan, and I want to go home.
- Susan: Oh, my God. You're married.
- Josh: No.
- Susan: I knew this was too good to be true. I knew there had to be something.
- Josh: Susan, I'm not married.
- Susan: You're not?
- Josh: No. I'm a child.
- Susan: What?
- Susan: I'm a child, Susan... and I'm... I'm not ready for all of this.
- Susan: Oh, that's fine. That is... That's just great.
- Josh: You see, what happened...
- Susan: [misinterpreting this as a fear of commitment on his part] No, I understand. I'm not ready to make a commitment. I'm not ready to accept the responsibility.
- Josh: No, you don't understand. I'm 13 years old.
- Susan: Oh, and who isn't? You think that there isn't a frightened kid inside of me too?
- Josh: No, I mean I really am 13. I went to bed one night and I was a kid, woke up the next morning, I was a grown-up.
- Susan: Oh, right. And just yesterday I was a schoolgirl with pigtails. Why are you doing this, Josh?
- Josh: There was this carnival in New Jersey.
- Susan: Please.
- Josh: I made a wish on a machine called the Zoltar machine.
- Susan: Oh, stop it.
- Josh: It was called a Zoltar machine. It had this bobbing head, and it looked just like a devil. If you got a quarter in the devil's mouth, you could make a wish, and I did. So I made a wish to be big. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I changed into a grown-up, when I'm really just a kid.
- Josh: [still not believing him] Fine, Josh, you're a kid. Look, I really don't know what it is that you're trying to tell me... but we have a very big presentation to give tomorrow... so I'm gonna get some sleep.
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