- Lori: Doug, honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!
- [Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her in the head, killing her]
- Douglas Quaid: Consider that a divorce!
- Tony: You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Hauser.
- Douglas Quaid: Look who's talking.
- Benny: Hey, Quaid! I'm gonna squash you!
- Douglas Quaid: Benny! Here!
- Benny: [shouts] Where the fuck are you?
- Douglas Quaid: [killing him with a large drill] SCREW YOU!
- Melina: Hello, Hauser. Still bulging, I see.
- [rubs his deltoid, then grabs his crotch]
- Melina: What you been feeding this thing?
- Douglas Quaid: Blondes.
- Melina: I think it's still hungry.
- Kuato: What do you want, Mr. Quaid?
- Douglas Quaid: The same as you; to remember.
- Kuato: But why?
- Douglas Quaid: To be myself again.
- Kuato: You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory.
- [last lines]
- Melina: I can't believe it, it's like a dream. What's wrong?
- Douglas Quaid: I just had a terrible thought... what if this is a dream?
- Melina: Well, then, kiss me quick before you wake up!
- [Quaid wakes up in a Johnnycab]
- Douglas Quaid: Where am I?
- Johnnycab: You're in a Johnnycab.
- Douglas Quaid: I mean, what am I doing here?
- Johnnycab: I'm sorry. Would you please rephrase the question?
- Douglas Quaid: How did I get in this taxi?
- Johnnycab: The door opened. You got in.
- [Johnnycab rolls his eyes]
- Douglas Quaid: [after fooling Richter and company with the hologram-bracelet, Quaid reappears on the other side of the reactor-site... right in front of Cohaagen's guards] Ha ha ha, you think this is the real Quaid...?
- [They turn to face nothing]
- Douglas Quaid: ...it is!
- [Quaid shoots the guards]
- [the taxicab pulls up]
- Johnnycab: The fare is 18 credits, please.
- [Quaid gets out]
- Douglas Quaid: Sue me, dickhead!
- [cab tries to run him down, crashes, and explodes]
- Johnnycab: We hope you enjoyed the ride!
- Bob McClane: What is it that is exactly the same about every single vacation you have ever taken?
- Douglas Quaid: I give up.
- Bob McClane: You! You're the same. No matter where you go, there you are. It's always the same old you. Let me suggest that you take a vacation from yourself. I-I know it sounds wild. It is the latest thing in travel. We call it the Ego Trip.
- [Douglas Quaid seeing his real personality on the screen]
- Hauser: Now, this is the plan. Get ya ass to Mars.
- Douglas Quaid: Well, Cohaagen, I have to hand it to you. It's the best mind-fuck yet.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Oh, don't take my word for it. Someone you trust wants to talk to you.
- Douglas Quaid: Who is it this time, my mother?
- Immigration Officer: [to the Fat Lady] Have you brought any fruits or vegetables on the planet?
- Fat Lady: [with a big smile] Two weeks.
- Immigration Officer: Excuse me?
- Fat Lady: [ticcing with her mouth] Two weeks. Twooo weeeks! Wweeeoo...
- Richter: [walks by and looks back to the Fat Lady]
- Fat Lady: Two...
- [moving her lips with her hands, then moving her head uncontrollably]
- Richter: Quaid.
- [yelling]
- Richter: That's Quaid!
- Everett: Where?
- Richter: That woman! Get him! Her!
- [runs to her]
- Everett: Arrest that woman!
- Richter: Get that woman!
- [a disorder in the hall]
- Fat Lady: [screaming and moving her head, touches her ear as if it is a switch, her wig fells off]
- [the masks opens and Quaids head becomes visible]
- Douglas Quaid: Catch!
- [and throws the mask to the soldiers]
- Fat Lady: Get ready for a surprise!
- [and the mask explodes in the soldiers' faces]
- [Quaid enters a Johnnycab to escape from killers]
- Johnnycab: Please state the street and number.
- Douglas Quaid: Drive! drive!
- Johnnycab: I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat the destination?
- Douglas Quaid: Anywhere just go! Go!
- Johnnycab: I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat the destination?
- Douglas Quaid: Shit! shit!
- Johnnycab: Would you please repeat the destination?
- Douglas Quaid: [Quaid rips the Johnnycab out and starts to drive himself] Aaahhh!
- Benny: Hey, man, I got five kids to feed!
- [Quaid hands him a wad of cash]
- Douglas Quaid: Take them to the dentist.
- [the traitorous Benny shoots George/Kuato]
- Benny: Congratulations, Quaid. You led us right to him.
- Douglas Quaid: Benny? Why?
- Melina: How can you do this? You're a mutant.
- Benny: [shrugs] I got four kids to feed.
- Douglas Quaid: So what happened to number five?
- Benny: [laughs; beat] Aw, shit, man! Ha, ha! You got me. I'm not even married.
- [serious tone]
- Benny: Now, shut up and put your fucking hands in the air!
- Vilos Cohaagen: [after Cohaagen's team kills Kuato] So this is the great man. Hmph. No wonder he kept out of sight. Well, my friend...
- [puts his hands on Quaid's shoulders]
- Vilos Cohaagen: ...you're a hero.
- Douglas Quaid: Fuck you!
- Vilos Cohaagen: Don't be modest. Kuato is dead. The resistance has been completely wiped out and you were the key to the whole thing.
- Douglas Quaid: [to Melina] He's lying.
- Melina: [to Quaid] You two-faced bastard!
- Vilos Cohaagen: You can't blame him, princess.
- [His finger grazes Melina's face]
- Vilos Cohaagen: He's innocent. You see, Quaid, none of my people could get close to Kuato. Fuckin' mutants could always sniff us out. So Hauser and I sat down and invented you: the perfect mole.
- Douglas Quaid: You know you're lying. Hauser turned against you.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Uh-uh. That's what we wanted you to think. Fact is, Hauser volunteered to become "Doug Quaid." It was the only way to fool the psychics.
- Douglas Quaid: Get your story straight.
- [Points to Richter]
- Douglas Quaid: This idiot has been trying to kill me ever since I went to Rekall. You don't kill someone you're trying to plant.
- Vilos Cohaagen: He wasn't in on it. You set him off by going to Rekall.
- Douglas Quaid: So, why I am still alive?
- Vilos Cohaagen: We gave you lots of help.
- [points to Benny]
- Vilos Cohaagen: Benny here...
- Benny: [to Quaid] My pleasure, man.
- Vilos Cohaagen: The guy with the suitcase, the mask, the money, the message from Hauser. All of that was set up by us.
- Douglas Quaid: Sorry. Too perfect.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Perfect, my ass! You pop your memory cap before we can activate you. Richter goes hog-wild screwing up everything that I spent a year planning. Frankly... I'm amazed it worked!
- Douglas Quaid: Well, Cohaagen. I've got to hand it to you. It's the best mind-fuck yet.
- Douglas Quaid: Ever heard of Rekall? They sell those fake memories.
- Harry: Oh, "Rekall, Rekall, Rekall." You thinking of going there?
- Douglas Quaid: I don't know, maybe.
- Harry: Well, don't. A friend of mine tried one their "special offers," nearly got himself lobotomized.
- Douglas Quaid: No shit?
- Harry: Don't fuck with your brain, pal. It ain't worth it.
- Douglas Quaid: I guess not.
- [Continues jackhammering, Harry watches in disbelief]
- Douglas Quaid: Come on, Cohaagen! You got what you want. Give those people air!
- Vilos Cohaagen: My friend, in five minutes, you won't give a shit about the people. Fire it up, Doc!
- Richter: Excuse me, Doctor, is he gonna remember any of this?
- Doctor: Not a thing.
- Richter: Oh, really?
- [Richter punches Quaid in his face. Quaid angrily glares back at Richter]
- Vilos Cohaagen: Oh, Quaid, I'm having a party tonight. Why don't you and Melina drop by? Remind him, Doc?
- Doctor: Sure.
- Richter: See you at the party.
- Douglas Quaid: What the hell is going on? What the fuck did I do wrong? Tell me!
- Harry: You blabbed, Quaid! You blabbed about Mars!
- Douglas Quaid: Are you crazy? I don't even know anything about Mars!
- Harry: You should have listened to me, Quaid. I was there to keep you out of trouble.
- Douglas Quaid: Harry, you're making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.
- Harry: Uh-uh pal, you got yourself mixed up with...
- [Quaid kicks him in the chest, commencing the fight]
- Harry: Hey, Quaid.
- Douglas Quaid: Harry.
- Harry: How was your trip to Mars?
- Douglas Quaid: What trip?
- Harry: You went to Rekall, remember?
- Douglas Quaid: I did?
- Harry: Yeah, you did. I told you not to, but you went anyway.
- Douglas Quaid: What are you, my father?
- Douglas Quaid: What do you want?
- Dr. Edgemar: This is going to be very difficult for you at accept, Mr. Quaid.
- Douglas Quaid: I'm listening.
- Dr. Edgemar: I'm afraid you're not really standing here right now.
- Douglas Quaid: You know, Doc, you could have fooled me.
- Dr. Edgemar: I'm quite serious. You're not here, and neither am I.
- Douglas Quaid: Amazing. Where are we?
- Dr. Edgemar: At Rekall.
- Hauser: Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you don't have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you're me.
- Douglas Quaid: [to himself] No shit.
- Hauser: All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is make up for it. You see...
- [Points to his head]
- Hauser: ...there's enough shit in here to fuck Cohaagen good. But if you're hearing this, it means is that he's got to me first. Now, here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you.
- Douglas Quaid: [displeased] Great...
- Hauser: Now, let's start by getting that bug out of your head.
- [shows the nose device]
- Hauser: Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.
- [Quaid takes a deep breath, and sticks the nose device up his nose]
- Hauser: When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.
- [Quaid screams in pain while Hauser grins, then Quaid pulls out the bug]
- Hauser: This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a bitch that fucked you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!
- Richter: You have to make a decision, sir.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Kill him.
- Richter: It's about goddamn time.
- Vilos Cohaagen: [Cohaagen has Quaid strapped into a memory machine and is about to turn him back into Hauser] Relax, Quaid. You'll like being Hauser.
- Douglas Quaid: The guy's a fucking asshole!
- Vilos Cohaagen: Not true! He's one of my best friends. Besides, he's got a big house and a Mercedes and... you like Melina, right? Well, you get to fuck her every night. That's right, she's going to be Hauser's babe.
- Melina: [also strapped into a memory machine] I'll bust his balls!
- Vilos Cohaagen: Uh-uh, Princess. We're having you fixed. You're gonna be respectful, compliant, and appreciative... the way a woman should be.
- [she spits in his face]
- Vilos Cohaagen: What the fuck is going on down there?
- Richter: I'm trying to neutralize a traitor, sir.
- Vilos Cohaagen: If I wanted him dead, you moron, I wouldn't have dumped him on Earth!
- Richter: We can't let him run around. He knows too much.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Lori says he can't remember jack shit!
- Richter: That's now. In an hour, he could have total recall.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Listen to me, Richter. I want Quaid delivered alive for re-implantation. Have you got that? I want him back in place with Lori.
- Technician: Sir, the oxygen level is bottoming out in Sector G. What do you want me to do about it?
- Vilos Cohaagen: [as if obvious] Don't do anything.
- Technician: But they won't last an hour, sir.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Fuck 'em. It'll be a good lesson to the others.
- Douglas Quaid: [an old woman/luggage thief grabs the briefcase left on sidewalk for Quaid] Sorry, Ma'am, but this is mine.
- Woman in Phone Booth: [struggling with him] I don't see your name on it!
- Douglas Quaid: Someone lent it to me.
- [continues to struggle with the Old Lady]
- Woman in Phone Booth: You go find your own bag!
- [resisting]
- Douglas Quaid: Excuse me, Ma'am, but I NEED it!
- [Quaid rips it away from her and walks away]
- Woman in Phone Booth: Fuck you, asshole!
- [Quaid turns and bows]
- [Quaid points a gun at Dr. Edgemar's head]
- Douglas Quaid: All right, let's say you're telling the truth and this is all a dream. I could pull this trigger and it won't matter.
- Dr. Edgemar: It won't make the slightest difference to me Doug, but the consequences to you will be devastating. In your mind, I'll be dead, and with no one to guide you out, you'll be stuck here in permanent psychosis. The walls of reality will come crashing down around you. One minute, you're the savior of the rebel cause; next thing you know, you'll be Cohaagen's bosom buddy. You'll even have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested; but in the end, back on Earth, you'll be lobotomized! So get a grip on yourself, Doug, and put down that gun!
- Lori: Listen to me, Sweetheart. Those assholes at Rekall have fucked up your mind. You're having paranoid delusions.
- [Quaid holds up his bloodied hands]
- Douglas Quaid: You call this a delusion?
- [Lori tries to distract Quaid by acting sexy, but he quickly he catches on]
- Douglas Quaid: Clever girl!
- [He points a gun at her head]
- Lori: You wouldn't kill me, would you, honey? After all we've been through...?
- Douglas Quaid: [Thinking it over] Some of it was fun.
- [He suddenly punches her, knocking her out]
- Douglas Quaid: Nice knowing you.
- [He leaves]
- Hauser: Howdy, Quaid. If you're watching this, that means that Kuato is dead, and you led us to him. I knew that you wouldn't let me down. Sorry for all of the shit I've put you through, but hey, what are friends are for? All I want to do is wish you happiness and good living, old buddy, but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. You see, that's "my" body you have there, and I want it back. Sorry for being an Indian giver, but I was here first. So, adios, amigo!
- [the screen zooms out to reveal Cohaagen, who puts his hand on Hauser's shoulder]
- Hauser: And thanks for not getting youself killed. Hey, maybe now we will meet in our dreams. You never know.
- Richter: You wanted to see me, sir?
- Vilos Cohaagen: Richter, you know why I'm such a happy person?
- Richter: No, sir.
- Vilos Cohaagen: Because I have one of the greatest jobs in the solar system. As long as the turbinium keeps flowing, I can do anything I want. Anything!
- [gets up from his chair]
- Vilos Cohaagen: In fact, the only thing I worry about is, one day, if the rebels win, it all might end.
- [In Richter's face]
- Vilos Cohaagen: And you're FUCKING MAKING IT HAPPEN! First, you tried to kill Quaid and then you let him get away.
- Richter: He had help from our side, sir.
- Vilos Cohaagen: I know that.
- Richter: But, I thought...
- Vilos Cohaagen: [interrupting] Who told you to THINK? I don't give you enough information to THINK! You do as you're told, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!
- Benny: Hey, man, you need a cab?
- Douglas Quaid: Well, what's wrong with this one?
- [points to other cabbie]
- Benny: [laughs] He ain't got five kids to feed.
- Douglas Quaid: Where's yours?
- Benny: Right over there man.
- [takes Quaid with him]
- Punk Cabbie: Hey. Hey, man, that's my fare. Hey, asshole, that's my fare.
- Benny: Eat this!
- [gives him the finger]
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