- [Polly has just finished reading a Fairy Tale]
- Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after?
- Polly: Of Course Elizabeth.
- Young Elizabeth: How do you know?
- Polly: Because, she was a good little girl, if she would have been naughty, the Prince would have run away.
- Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit.
- Fred: I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place.
- Elizabeth: I got upset.
- Fred: "I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end.
- Elizabeth: Oh really?
- Fred: Yeah really.
- Elizabeth: Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her?
- Fred: No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.
- Young Elizabeth: Daddy, why don't we throw mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She'll land in the gladiolas.
- Nigel: You shouldn't say things like that about your mother... She might cut your head off.
- [after just meeting Elizabeth for the first time in years]
- Fred: Hello, snotface. Yuck what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier! Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be sick all over you, immediately. Lie down.
- Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.
- [Mickey wants to be as 'crazy' as Elizabeth, and he starts hurling pasta at couples in the resturarant]
- Waiter #2: [approaches]
- Fred: Uh-oh!
- Waiter #2: [furioudly] YOU DON'T THROW SPAGHETTI IN MY RESTRUARANT!
- Mickey Bunce: [mimicking his Italian accent] Ok, oka fine - YOU DO IT!
- [he slaps his hands underneath the plates the waiter is holding in each hand, sending them flying across the room]
- Fred: I'm not afraid of the megabeast!
- Young Elizabeth: I'm not either, when she comes in here we'll make her eat up all this mud!
- Fred: Yeah... and then we'll cut her head off...
- Young Elizabeth: with scissors...
- Fred: Yeah... and then we'll make her eat it
- Young Elizabeth: ...make her eat her own head... with what?
- Fred: Oh yeah, well I'll eat her head then.
- Young Elizabeth: And I'll eat the rest of her!
- Fred: Yeah! And then we'll get up and poo her all over the table cause we're not afraid of anything
- Fred, Young Elizabeth: yeah, yeah YEAH!
- Fred: Boo!
- Elizabeth: Ahhh!
- Fred: Hello, Snotface! Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You're all older. You're even uglier. Uch. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to be sick all over you immediately. Lie down.
- [Pushes Elizabeth down on the bed]
- Fred: Hang on. Where's all the dolls?
- Elizabeth: [Whispers] Drop Dead Fred.
- Fred: Where is the dolls?
- [Throws dolls at Elizabeth]
- Fred: I wanna play with the-Ah hah! The dolls! Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelec.
- [Makes the dolls say 'Hello.']
- Fred: You're gonna die!
- [Screams and hits Jemima's head against the door. Bites off Angelec's head. Throws dolls]
- Fred: Mr. Pooh!
- [Makes Mr. Pooh say 'Hello.']
- Fred: You die too!
- [Makes Mr. Pooh say 'No no no.']
- Fred: Yes yes yes.
- [Screams and rips Mr. Pooh's stuffing out while throwing the stuffing at Elizabeth]
- Fred: [Makes Mr. Pooh scream 'No! My intestines. Not my intestines!']
- [Spits on Mr. Pooh]
- Elizabeth: [Whispers] I must be dreaming.
- Fred: I wrote the note. Hahahahaha! Haven't got a husband! Haven't got a husband! Got a stupid hair cut!
- Mickey Bunce: [comes home to find his daughter Natalie, covered with chocolate. He kneels next to her] Natalie, what happened?
- Natalie Bunce: We wanted some chocolate! It's yummy, do you want some?
- [offers Mickey her hand to lick]
- Mickey Bunce: [chuckles] No, I don't want any.
- Ms. Fuzzock: This young lady has made quite a mess in the kitchen, and she expects me to believe that some pretend friend did it.
- Natalie Bunce: He's not pretend! He's drop dead Fred!
- Elizabeth: [kneels down to speak to Natalie] What did you say?
- Fred: [appearing from behind a tree] She said I'm not pretend. What are you deaf?
- Mickey Bunce: Natalie, come on, what really happened?
- Natalie Bunce: I'm telling you the truth! Don't you believe me?
- Elizabeth: I believe you. Next time you see that drop dead Fred. You give him my love.
- Fred: I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.
- [first lines]
- Polly: And the prince took the beautiful young girl in his arms and said, will you marry me? Yes, she whispered, I will be your princess.
- Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after?
- Polly: Of course, Elizabeth.
- [tucking her in]
- Young Elizabeth: How do you know?
- Polly: Because she was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.
- Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit!
- [Elizabeth and Charles are lying down, making out on the sofa]
- Fred: Hold on, hold on that's now how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her
- [Fred sees Elizabeth and Charles]
- Fred: Ugh! What does that taste like?
- [Elizabeth elbows him in the gut]
- Fred: [sitting between Elizabeth and Mickey] Oh great. Now I'm stuck between two complete utter girls.
- Polly: [walks up to Nigel who is holding young Elizabeth at the bottom of the stairs]
- [offering him the tape]
- Polly: Nigel, do it.
- Nigel: No, I won't. I don't want anything to do with it, it's not right.
- Polly: Alright, I'll do it.
- [begins to tape the jack-in-the-box close]
- Nigel: [kisses Elizabeth and then goes to Polly]
- [quietly]
- Nigel: It's not right.
- Polly: What do you know about raising a child?
- Nigel: [looks to Elizabeth and to Polly] Apparently nothing.
- [he leaves the house]
- Fred: Snotface, look... INK - let's write something on the carpet... I know how 'bout "Mother SUCKS".
- Fred: You just put a piece of broccoli in your mouth and said, "Mm, what a lovely piece of broccoli."
- Fred: [while dancing in the chair in the living room with dog poo on his shoes] Dog poo, dog poo, yucky yucky dog poo. Dog poo on the chair... all on the sides, all up there, yucky yucky smelly dog poo!
- Fred: [sitting inside the refrigerator]
- [about Charles]
- Fred: Snotface, he's the wrong man for you.
- Elizabeth: I don't want to hear it
- Fred: You're not happy.
- [Elizabeth closes the fridge door]
- Elizabeth: Yes I am.
- Fred: [crawling from underneath a counter] Well, if you're so happy, then why I am still here, hmm?
- Elizabeth: I can fix that.
- [she pulls out the pills]
- Fred: Oh no, don't do that. No, please, don't do that. Do-
- [Elizabeth takes the pill, he dubs over in pain. While grinding pepper, Elizabeth sneezes and sends Fred bouncing against the walls]