- George: I really don't like our dog.
- Alice: I really don't like those people, George. I don't trust them. I don't want their money. I know my opinion doesn't matter, but I'm not interested in expanding. If I had been home instead of helping you impress those morons, Emily wouldn't have fallen in the pool. And I'm not re-entering the work force, George. You're gonna have to do this on your own. And you will. Somehow, you'll make your fortune. And tucked away behind you deep in the shadows will be me and the kids.
- George: That's how you see me. Suddenly, I'm a lousy husband and father. Everything was just fine until Beethoven came into our lives. I've tried to be patient, but I've had it. The dog has to go.
- Alice: I'm proud of Beethoven. Those two idiots insulted your kids, they treated me like dirt, and he was the only one of us who had the nerve to give them the ride they deserved. I'm going to bed.
- [she heads back inside]
- George: My dream's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dog.
- Alice: Your family's going down the drain, and you're worried about a dream.
- Alice Newton: I don't think words for parts of the body make very good names.
- Emily Newton: He's got one of those, I looked.
- Alice Newton: I'm sure he does but I don't think Daddy would want to stand on the porch at night yelling that out.
- Emily Newton: But that's what you call Uncle Richard.
- George Newton: [the family is arguing about what to call the puppy] This is ridiculous! It's a dog, he doesn't have preferences! You could call him Ding-Dong Head and he wouldn't know the difference!
- Emily Newton: Yes, he would! He'll tell us what he wants to be called.
- [Emily starts playing the famous four-note opening motif of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the piano. The puppy responds to it with barks]
- George Newton: Beethoven.
- Alice Newton: Just change your pants, George.
- George Newton: I'm gonna change my pants, Alice. But if I change my pants, I gotta change my jacket! If I change my jacket, I gotta change my shirt! If I change my shirt, I gotta change my tie! I hafta change my belt! I gotta change my shoes! I gotta change my socks!
- Alice Newton: Just change your pants, George.
- [George throws his pants down to Alice]
- Alice Newton: [Dr. Varnick has warned George about St. Bernards attacking people] George, come on. Beethoven isn't even remotely dangerous. He'd never hurt the kids. He might take a bite out of you, though.
- George Newton: First snarl, any kind of weirdness and he's gone.
- Alice Newton: Weirdness? What should I watch for, hon? Wearing my clothes around the house?
- Reporter: Have you always been a dog lover?
- George Newton: Um, well, maybe not. Not as much as-as now, thank you.
- [the Newtons discover that Dr. Varnick has been deceiving them; they barge into the veterinary surgery looking for Beethoven but he isn't there, despite the receptionist telling George earlier that they were going to keep him there overnight and put him down the next day]
- George Newton: Where's my dog?
- Dr. Varnick: I don't have to answer your questions. You ordered that dog destroyed and it was done. Now get out.
- [George grips Varnick's collar]
- Dr. Varnick: You hit me, I'll have you put in jail for assault and battery!
- [George lets go of Varnick. Then suddenly he punches him in the face, knocking him backwards into an empty animal cage]
- Dr. Varnick: Here for his shots?
- George Newton: Yes.
- Dr. Varnick: Well he'll be a little groggy this evening.
- George Newton: That'll be nice.
- George Newton: [chasing Beethoven out of the house] How dare you! How dare you! Are you crazy? Did you think you were gonna get away with it?
- [sees Beethoven crawl under the hole he dug back into his kennel]
- George Newton: Oh, that's how you do it! I'll put a stop to that! You've ruined my life! You've ruined my furniture, you've ruined my clothes! My family likes you more than they like me! Why? All you do is drool and shed and eat! But you're never getting out of there again! Never! Do we understand each other? Do we?
- [the sprinklers come on, ending his rant]
- George Newton: [driving Beethoven to the vet to be put down] My dad had to take my dog to the vet to be put down. I hated him for it. Now I'm doing it myself. I know you don't believe me but I don't want to do this.
- [the kids want to keep the puppy, George doesn't]
- George Newton: It's my decision. I mean, I have decided.
- Ryce Newton: I knew it.
- [a pause as George looks at his kids]
- George Newton: You'd better think of something to name him because when I come home and he's destroyed my house, I wanna know what to call him!
- Alice Newton: [choosing a name out of a hat] OK, the dog's name will be...
- [she takes out a piece of paper, but doesn't read it out loud and looks at George in silence]
- George Newton: You asked for my input.
- [hearing gunfire after George has gone into Dr. Varnick's warehouse to rescue Beethoven, Ted gets behind the wheel of the family station wagon]
- Ryce Newton: You can't drive!
- Emily Newton: You don't even have a driver's license!
- Ted Newton: We're going in!
- George Newton: [Beethoven has got into George's bed and is licking his neck] Oh, baby. Oh, baby. It's not even Saturday night. Oh, Alice, you drive me crazy. Is daddy's little girl being naughty tonight?
- Alice Newton: [has just walked into the room] George who are you talking to?
- [George turns over and comes face-to-face with Beethoven]
- George Newton: [Screams]
- George Newton: We can't have a dog. We can't have a dog!
- Alice Newton: Honey, you can't show a child a puppy and then take it away two minutes later.
- George Newton: I didn't show a child a puppy. It's obviously lost. You occupy the kids, I'll run it down to the pound.
- Alice Newton: Oh, no. No way. If the owner doesn't claim it, it'll be destroyed. I'm not going to live with that.
- George Newton: If we keep it, the house will be destroyed!
- Alice Newton: Honey, it's just a dog. Millions of people have dogs.
- George Newton: Oh, no, not people like me! Dogs sniff, they lick, they chew, they drool, they scratch... Alice, they have parasites.
- Alice Newton: [sarcastically] Oh, God, yeah...
- George Newton: The kids'll lose interest, I'll have to take care of it. It'll grow to be enormous, it'll take over the yard, the bushes will die and the lawn'll look terrible and when the dog finally settles down, it'll die. And everybody will so upset, we'll have to go get another puppy, the whole thing will start all over again. You understand?
- Alice Newton: No, honey, could you be more specific?
- Devonia Pest: [to Emily after she was discovered having almost drowned in the neighbours' pool] Now, we don't want you to get into trouble, so we'll this be our little secret!
- Ryce Newton: [Pushes Emily out of the way and furiously to Devonia] I'd like to call my mother please.
- Devonia Pest: Your mother?
- Ryce Newton: Immediately.
- Harvey: Sorry, I'm just a little bit excited. That's my very first felony. I've committed a lot of misdemeanors but I do believe that was my very first felony!
- George Newton: We are "people" people here. I mean, we are goldfish people, uh, we're antfarm people. We're not dog people.
- Biker Woman: [looking at Beethoven the puppy] How big's he gonna be?
- Pet Shop Owner: St. Bernards get to be about 150 pounds.
- Biker Woman: I got a junkyard, I need a big, mean junkyard dog. Let me see him.
- [the pet shop owner takes Beethoven out of his enclosure and hands him to the biker woman]
- Biker Woman: [holds him up in front of her] He looks good and mean.
- Pet Shop Owner: I don't know, he's pretty sweet.
- Biker Woman: You can make any dog mean.
- [Beethoven urinates on her leather jacket]
- Biker Woman: Hey! Damn little beast! God!
- [the pet shop owner smiles and takes him off her]
- Biker Woman: [wiping the urine off her jacket] You got any pit bulls?
- Devonia Pest: [after Alice picks up the kids and heads to the car] She must have snuck out while I was watching Ted and Ryce. It was hot out, so I guess she wanted to take a little swim.
- Alice Newton: [furiously sighs] And where were you while this was happening?
- Devonia Pest: I was where I was supposed to be, inside watching the other two! If Emily stayed where I put her, none of this would ever happened!
- [in a rude tone]
- Devonia Pest: If you ask me, what these children need is a little discipline.
- Alice Newton: What these children need is their mother.
- [starts the car]
- Alice Newton: You're fired.
- [Devonia's jaw drops in shock]
- [Beethoven has saved Emily from drowning in the pool]
- Emily Newton: I love you, too. Thanks Beethoven, you saved my life but you better go home now.Mom said to stay in the back yard.
- Brie: Let us take you out to dinner. Are there any good restaurants in this burg?
- George Newton: [thinking] Ah, restaurants, uh.
- Alice Newton: Why don't you just come over to our house? We can barbecue.
- George Newton: Come to our house, we'll barbecue.
- Brie: Barbecue? Let's live dangerously.
- George Newton: [laughs] Well, our food may not be great but it's not dangerous!
- Brad: [laughing] Well, I hope it's better than this espresso!
- [they laugh, George and Alice do forced laughter]
- Emily Newton: [Mr. Newton looks at Dr. Varnick's "injured" arm] I told you he was lying!
- George Newton: What the hell are you trying to pull?
- [last lines]
- George Newton: Good night, honey.
- Alice Newton: Good night.
- George Newton: Sleep tight. Good night, Beethoven.
- [the picture zooms out to reveal lots of other dogs sleeping in the bedroom]
- Alice Newton: Good night, Sparky.
- George Newton: Good night, Mitch.
- Alice Newton: Good night, Murphy.
- George Newton: Good night, Sally.
- Alice Newton: Good night, Lacey.
- George Newton: Good night, Fred.
- Alice Newton: Good night, Eliot.
- Devonia Pest: You kids might be an interested to know that I'm a featured performer Saturday nights at the Padded Zebra.
- [giggling]
- [Dr. Varnick is about to shoot George]
- Dr. Varnick: You're a very foolish man, Mr. Newton. You should have left well enough alone.
- Ammunition Company Representative: We've developed a new type of ammunition. It explodes on contact. We'd like you to use this revolver for the tests. We want to know the extent of the damage at close range.
- Dr. Varnick: You want to know how messy it is.
- [the Ammunition Company Representative laughs]
- Ammunition Company Representative: I presume you can get dogs with big skulls for the tests. Newfoundlands, Great Danes, Saint Bernards.
- Dr. Varnick: Large dogs are difficult to come by, harder to manage.
- [the Ammunition Company Representative gives Dr. Varnick an envelope full of money]
- Dr. Varnick: I'm sure we'll be able to handle it.
- [Dr. Varnick has a big grin on his face]
- Ted Newton: [following Dr. Varnick's car] Dad, turn your lights off, haven't you ever followed someone at night before?
- [Three bullies are bullying Ted when Beethoven shows up behind Ted, without him noticing. The three bullies see Beethoven and are immediately scared]
- Bully #1: What's going on here?
- Bully #2: He looks mean.
- Bully #1: Yeah.
- Ted Newton: [Beethoven growls at the three bullies]
- Bully #1: Give him the glasses.
- [One of the bullies gives Ted his glasses back]
- Bully #3: Sorry. Sorry.
- [the three bullies run away]
- Bully #3: [Ted thinks the bullies ran away because they were afraid of him]
- Ted Newton: And don't come back!
- [Beethoven grabs a stick and walks over to Mark]
- Mark: Hey, check out Fido.
- Mark: What a cool looking dog. I bet you wanna play fetch.
- Mark: C'mon, you got to give me the stick if you want me to throw it.
- [Mark grabs the stick in Beethoven's mouth, then Beethoven walks Mark over to Ryce]
- Mark: Hey, where we going?
- Mark: Cool dog.
- Mark's Friend: Cool dog.
- Mark: Is he yours?
- [Ryce nods her head]
- Mark: What's his name?
- Ryce Newton: Beethoven.
- Mark: Wow. Hi, Beethoven.
- Mark's Friend: Hey, Beethoven.
- Mark: Cool dog.
- Mark's Friend: Good boy.
- Mark: Well, see ya later, Ryce.
- Ryce Newton: Yes, he knows my name!
- Alice Newton: Well, instead of listening to some guy we've met only twice in our lives, maybe we should try listening to our own child.
- Alice Newton: Honey, please something doesn't make sense. Can't we just go down there and talk to him?
- George Newton: What do you want me to do?
- [George is mocking a conversation between him and Dr. Varnick]
- George Newton: Uh, Dr. Varnick, are you sure you didn't hit our dog? Oh, yes, Mr. Newton, I just remembered, I did hit your dog.
- George Newton: C'mon!
- Alice Newton: You c'mon!
- Alice Newton: Please, it would make me feel better. Lets just go.
- [Ryce, Ted, and Emily opens the door and come outside]
- Ryce Newton: I'm coming with you.
- Emily Newton: So am I.
- Ted Newton: We're all going with you.
- [Channel 3 News reports that Dr. Varnick and his 2 associates were indicted on 123 counts of animal abuse. Dr Varnick and his associates were shown on the news leaving the courthouse arrested]
- Dr. Varnick: These were scientific investigations!
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