Emma Thompson: Maggie Chester

Peter's Friends

Maggie Chester

Andrew: So, how's the world of publishing?
Maggie: Fine. Very busy.
Andrew: Any news on the boyfriend front?
Maggie: I was kind of seeing someone. An author.
Andrew: And what happened?
Maggie: He committed suicide.
Andrew: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't...
Maggie: It's alright. Honestly. Really. I didn't really like him very much. I liked him even LESS after he committed suicide.
Andrew: How did he do it?
Maggie: Threw himself off a building.
Andrew: Eek.
Maggie: Couldn't even do that properly. It was only a three-story building. He would have survived, only a car ran him over.
[Andrew chuckles]
Maggie: It's not funny.
Andrew: Oh, it is slightly funny, Maggie.

Maggie: How's Ben?
Mary Charleston: [as if introducing herself at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting] My name is Mary, I'm an overprotective mother, and I've only phoned twice, today, and he's fine.

Maggie: [explaining her disastrous come-on to Peter] I went upstairs and threw my clothes off.
Carol: That's direct. What'd he say?
Maggie: [beginning to sob] He said he wasn't in the vagina business.
Carol: [taken aback] That's direct too... Has Peter ever been in the vagina business?
Maggie: Yes. He slept with Sarah!
Carol: Oh, there's a surprise. Was she engaged to Peter too?
Maggie: No, they just had a brief affair.

[Carol is exercising vigorously on the kitchen floor]
Maggie: What are you doing?
Carol: Donkey kicks. I've eaten every thing in the place, and I'm trying to work it off before morning. I used to be bulimic. A year ago, I'd be in the bathroom throwing it all up. I'm much healthier now!

[Carol, Maggie, Peter and Andrew are listening to the squeaking from upstairs, which they presume is Sarah and Brian, when Sarah arrives in the kitchen]
Sarah: Hi, guys.
[the others turn to face Sarah]
Peter: Now, that's what I call an extremely long dick.
Andrew: Well, if it isn't Sarah, is it us?
Maggie: It can only be Roger and Mary!
Peter: I assume they must have resolved their differences last night.
Andrew: [telephone rings] This is the acid test
[Squeaking stops for a few seconds, before resuming]
Andrew: Darlings!
Peter: Well, if you'll excuse me, I better go!
[Exits]

Maggie: [rejected] You slept with Sarah, I know you did!
Peter: Oh, my dear, the Archbishop of Canterbury has slept with Sarah! And that was years ago.

[the gang are discussing a cabaret performance in Bradford]
Peter: We went on after the Fabulous Poodles!
Brian, Sarah's Escort: The Fabulous Poodles! Now there was a band! Whatever happened to them?
Maggie: I don't know, but we were on after them, and Peter was in the middle of his opening monologue when someone threw a glass, and Peter said...
Roger: [Imitating Peter] If that happens again, we're going straight home!
[a short pause is followed by the gang pretending to throw glasses at Roger]