- [at Gareth's funeral]
- Matthew: Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him: 'Fat' seems to have been a word people most connected with him. 'Terribly rude' also rang a lot of bells. So very 'fat' and very 'rude' seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me and let me know that you loved him, which I know he would have been thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality, his strange experimental cooking: the recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. But I hope joyful is how you will remember him, not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for me, you may ask how I will remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W.H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest; My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good."
- [Charles comes running after Carrie]
- Charles: Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...
- Carrie: That was very romantic.
- Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.
- Father Gerald: Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a holy mystery, a symbol of Christ's love for his church. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Goat, eh, Ghost. One God, forever and ever, Amen.
- Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.
- Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!
- Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...
- Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...
- Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...
- Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...
- Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...
- Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin Delainey...
- Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.
- Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.
- Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...
- Lydia: I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...
- Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...
- Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...
- Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.
- Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.
- Father Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...
- Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...
- Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.
- Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful* wedded wife.
- Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.
- Congregation: Amen!
- Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!
- [Everyone cheers]
- Charles: Ladies and gentlemen, l'm sorry to drag you from your desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time l've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But l'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.
- [at second wedding]
- Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married?
- Fiona: No.
- Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian?
- Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
- Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibilites for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear, never met the right chap," eh?
- Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
- Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you.
- [pause]
- Fiona: The truth is... well, the truth is, I have met the right person, and he's not in love with me, and until I stop loving him, no one else really has a chance.
- Mrs. Beaumont: Oh, what a shame.
- Fiona: Yes, isn't it?
- [another pause]
- Fiona: I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about fifteen minutes. I don't think it counts.
- Tom: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
- Charles: Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
- Fiona: The name's Carrie.
- Charles: Pretty.
- Fiona: American.
- Charles: Interesting.
- Fiona: Slut.
- Charles: Really?
- Fiona: Used to work at Vogue. Lives in America now. Only gets out with very glamorous people. Quite out of your league.
- Charles: Well, that's a relief. Thanks.
- Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
- Charles: Uh-huh.
- Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
- Charles: Which is?
- Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
- Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
- Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
- Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
- Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.
- Bernard: How's it going, Lyds?
- Lydia: Bloody awful.
- Bernard: Oh dear, what's the problem?
- Lydia: I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex, you'll be fighting 'em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight.
- Bernard: Well, I mean, if you fancy anything, I could always...
- Lydia: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate.
- Scarlett: Have you got a boyfriend?
- Young Bridesmaid: Yes.
- Scarlett: What's his name?
- Young Bridesmaid: Dolph. He's good at table tennis. What about you?
- Scarlett: No. Afraid not.
- Young Bridesmaid: Why not?
- Scarlett: Don't know. Because most of the blokes I fancy think l'm stupid and pointless - and, so, they just bonk me and then leave me. And the kind of blokes that do fancy me, I think are drips. I can't even be bothered to bonk them. Which does sort of leave me a bit nowhere.
- Young Bridesmaid: What's bonking?
- Scarlett: Well, it's kind of like table tennis, only with slightly smaller balls.
- Serena: Excuse me?
- [points out Charles's brother, who is talking to Charles in sign language]
- Serena: Who's the boy over there? In the grey?
- Matthew: Name's David.
- Serena: [watching David admiringly] He's something of a dish, isn't he.
- Matthew: I've always thought so.
- Serena: Why are they... why are they...?
- [mimicking the sign language]
- Matthew: Oh, the dish can't hear.
- Serena: Gosh...
- Matthew: Yeah. Silent, but deadly attractive.
- Carrie: Just before I go, when were you thinking of announcing the engagement?
- Charles: Uhh... I'm sorry, whose engagement?
- Carrie: Ours. I assumed, since we slept together, that we would be getting married. What did you think?
- Charles: [looks surprised] What? I'm... gosh, you know, that's, umm... It takes a lot of thinking, that kind of thing, I mean, uhh... Obviously, I'm...
- [chuckles and relaxes]
- Charles: You're joking.
- [Carrie chuckles as well]
- Charles: God... For a moment there, I thought I was in "Fatal Attraction". I though you were... Glenn Close, and I was gonna get home and find my pet rabbit in the stove.
- Carrie: No... But I think we both missed a great opportunity here.
- Charles: Perhaps you were right, Hen. Perhaps we should've got married.
- Henrietta: Good God, no! Marry you and I'd have had to marry your friends and I'm not quite sure I could take Fiona.
- Charles: Fiona loves you.
- Henrietta: Fiona calls me Duckface.
- Charles: Well, I never heard that.
- Henrietta: Oh, Darling, come to lunch soon. Give me a ring, okay? Oh, still cute.
- [Henrieta leaves and Fiona aproaches]
- Fiona: How's Duckface?
- Charles: Good form actually, not too mad.
- Carrie: First of all, l'd like to thank all of you who've flown in from the States. I'm really touched. As for the rest of you, l'd have thought that lots of frightful Americans flying in was an excuse for staying away, so I thank you, too.
- Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?
- Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.
- Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.
- Vomiting Veronica: [to her husband about going to India with Charles] Charles was vile. He insisted on cracking jokes all the time I was ill.
- Charles: I was only trying to cheer you up, V.
- Naughty Nicki: Oh, you're *that* Veronica!
- Vomiting Veronica: Which Veronica? Charlie?
- Charles: [trying to change the subject] Remember Bombay?
- Naughty Nicki: When Charles and I were going out, he told me he had this interesting journey around India with Vomiting Veronica. I think that was it.
- Charles: [Embarrassed] I don't remember ever mentioning it. Maybe I did.
- Mocking Martha: Oh, come on Charles! I don't think I've ever been out with anyone less discreet.
- Charles: Well, I think that's probably a little bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?
- Naughty Nicki: It is not!
- Mocking Martha: I remember you going on about this one girl - Helena wasn't it? Whose mother made a pass at you.
- Vomiting Veronica: I remember this! You couldn't work it out whether it would be impolite not to accept her advances!
- [laughs]
- Naughty Nicki: That's right! Mrs. Piggy! Helena was Miss Piggy! So her mother was Mrs. Piggy!
- [all laughs]
- Charles: I - I think perhaps, it was a - it was a...
- Miss Piggy: [who's been with them the whole time, not laughing] We've both lost a lot of weight since then!
- [talking about his new wife, Laura]
- Angus the Groom: Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble.
- Fiona: [about congratulating parents of bride and groom] God, I never know what to say in these ghastly line-ups.
- Gareth: It's a cinch! Just give a big warm hug and say the bride looks... pregnant.
- Matthew: Or you can stick with convention and say "You must be very proud."
- Fiona: Heaven preserve us...
- [in the line]
- Fiona: You must be very proud!
- Fiona: What do you do?
- Father Gerald: I'm training to be a priest.
- Fiona: Good Lord! Do you do weddings?
- Father Gerald: No, not yet. I will, though, of course. Jolly nerve-racking.
- Fiona: Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.
- Father Gerald: Well. Well, I suppose so.
- Fiona: Though rather less messy, of course, and far less call for condoms.
- Gareth's Dance Partner - Wedding Three: Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
- Gareth: Not personally no. But I do know someone who could get you his fax number. Shall we dance?
- Gareth: We had the most delightful girl at our table. Carrie, apparently her fiancé's terribly grand and owns half of Scotland. How about you?
- Charles: I seem to be stuck in the wedding from hell, ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn. Next thing I'll bump into Henrietta and the horror will be complete.
- Henrietta: Hello Charles.
- Charles: Hello Hen, how are you?
- [Hen bursts into tears]
- Tom: Well, let's face the facts. If you weren't certain you wanted to marry her today, of all days - i.e., your wedding day - then it must have been the right decision, mustn't it?
- [Fiona looks at him as though she's about to say, "Bugger off, Tom," for the umpteenth time, then reaches out and touches his shoulder affectionately]
- Fiona: Quite right, Tom.
- [Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress]
- Charles: It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yecch!
- George the boor at The Boatman: If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am as a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
- Gareth: Good point.
- Tom: I think I fooled them so far. The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.
- Charles: Dear Lord, forgive me for what I am about to, ah, say in this magnificent place of worship. Bugger. Bugger! Bugger-bugger-bugger-bugger!
- Polite Verger - Wedding Four: Can I help at all?
- Charles: No. Thanks. Sorry. Vocal exercises. Big church.
- Polite Verger - Wedding Four: Excellent. Often do the same myself. Not exactly the same vocab, obviously. Rather more alleluias.
- Charles: There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.
- Carrie: Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
- George the boor at The Boatman: I was at school with his brother Bufty. Tremendous bloke. He was head of my house. Buggered me senseless. Still, it taught me about life.
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