- [Frank Drebin is stopped at the entrance to the Oscars]
- Frank Drebin: Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
- Guard: Yeah, and I'm Robert De Niro.
- Frank Drebin: Mr. De Niro, we've got to get inside.
- Tanya Peters: [46:02] You're all man. I like that in my men.
- Frank Drebin: You're coming on to me big time, sister. You're preying on me like a kitten with a fresh mouse. And we got a problem.
- Tanya Peters: You're Jewish?
- Frank Drebin: No. You're Rocko's girl, and in my book that chapter's called "look but don't touch."
- Tanya Peters: I could have two lovers.
- Frank Drebin: Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
- Ed Hocken: We heard about you and Jane.
- Frank Drebin: Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her.
- Tyrone: You just watch your step, McGurke. This place here changes a man.
- Frank Drebin: Yeah? In what way?
- Tyrone: I used to be white. I was the drummer for the Osmonds.
- Rocko Dillon: Screw around with me, and Tyrone here will make you feel pain that you'd never believe.
- Frank Drebin: Yeah, I remember the Osmonds.
- Frank Drebin: Well... We shot a lot of people together. It's been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party.
- Jane Spencer: [at marriage counselling] You came highly recommended by our last therapist.
- Dr. Stuart Eisendrath: Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide.
- [Frank and Jane approach the first cab with an Arabic driver]
- Frank Drebin: Does that radio work?
- Cabbie: [replies in Arabic]
- [they move to a second cab with a Jamaican driver]
- Frank Drebin: Call Police Squad! Tell 'em Frank Drebin says...
- Cabbie: [replies in Jamaican]
- [they move to a third cab with an African driver]
- Frank Drebin: Forget it.
- [they immediately leave]
- Cabbie: [British accent] I wonder what the devil he wanted!
- Ed Hocken: There's only one way to find out where Rocco's gonna strike next. We're gonna hafta send someone into Statesville Prison.
- Frank Drebin: I'll do it.
- Ed Hocken: Frank, I couldn't. I wouldn't feel right about that. If Rocco finds out you're a cop, you might end up dead!
- Frank Drebin: You might end up dead is my middle name.
- Ed Hocken: What about Jane?
- Frank Drebin: I don't know her middle name. But, Ed, I need the action. I'm going inside the big house.
- Director: [slightly irked after Frank, undercover as Phil Donahue, throws up in a tuba] Someone make a note. I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year.
- [in the prison cafeteria]
- Frank Drebin: Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are? Animals?
- Convicts: NO!
- Frank Drebin: What are we?
- [the entire hall is silent]
- Mess Hall Convict: Homo sapiens?
- Frank Drebin: You're right! We're men! We are men!
- Frank Drebin, Convicts: [all chant] WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN! WE ARE MEN!
- Ed Hocken: You haven't shot anybody in six months.
- Frank Drebin: That's true. Funny how you miss the little things.
- Rocco Dillon: [fires a gun over the heads of the audience] Freeze, and nobody gets hurt!
- [a grip falls from the rafters into the orchestra]
- Rocco Dillon: Well, from now on!
- Dr. Kohlzak: [at a Sperm Bank and Fertility Clinic, unbeknownst to Frank, who's faking an old football injury] When did you first notice the problem?
- Frank Drebin: In the backyard, with my uncle.
- Dr. Kohlzak: In the backyard... with your uncle?
- Frank Drebin: Yes, when he comes over we like to go out in the backyard and throw it around for a while.
- Dr. Kohlzak: And what did you and your uncle find out?
- Frank Drebin: Oh, I can't keep up with him, mine hurt especially on the long ones. I can't seem to straighten it out, it has no feeling, it's... it's kind of numb. I may have yanked it too much, maybe.
- Dr. Kohlzak: [hands him a cup and opens a door to another room] If you would.
- Frank Drebin: For what?
- Dr. Kohlzak: A sperm count.
- Frank Drebin: In here?
- Dr. Kohlzak: Well, it's not exactly the backyard, but it'll do.
- Frank Drebin: They're going to blow that place sky high. It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number.
- Papshmir: [to Rocco] You are supposed to be the world's foremost terrorist bomber. Airlines, government buildings...
- Muriel Dillon: The devastation in South Florida?
- Papshmir: That was Hurricane Andrew.
- Muriel Dillon: That's what they told the public.
- Frank Drebin: Jane...
- Jane Spencer: Frank, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Frank Drebin: Yes! Florence Henderson's gonna win it, and it's about time.
- Jane Spencer: No! The bomb is in one of those envelopes!
- Frank Drebin: You're right!
- Frank Drebin: [before Jane leaves] Look, baby. I am what I am, and I do what I do. A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, others make a very good living neutering animals. I'm a cop!
- Tanya Peters: What are you doing?
- Frank Drebin: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.
- Tanya Peters: Your bishop's exposed.
- Frank Drebin: It's these pants.
- [Jane catches Frank kissing Tanya]
- Jane Spencer: How could you!
- Tanya Peters: Well, you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.
- Jane Spencer: Now I know why Ed's been calling every half hour. You've been back on a case, haven't you?
- Frank Drebin: No, no, I swear, it's another woman.
- Jane Spencer: In your wildest dreams.
- Dr. Stuart Eisendrath: You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot and not get caught up in blame. Now, which one of you is impotent?
- Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him.
- Frank Drebin: Why don't you ask who's frigid?
- Jane Spencer: Uh, that would be him also.
- Frank Drebin: Uh, Raquel, just a second, I just had a thought. This show is being seen all over the world. I was thinking, if we could all just send good thoughts, transmit them through these cameras here, to the elected leader of China, Wing Wa Woo Tong, so that they might finally be nice. Thank you.
- [applause]
- Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
- Frank Drebin: Uh Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation, yet cat food is full of tuna! I can't help but think each time I go to the zoo and see those porpoises, crammed into those tiny tanks, what a waste that is. Butcher half of them now! That's hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that can be fed to our cats, freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry.
- [few people clap]
- Raquel Welch: And the winner is...
- Frank Drebin: Uh, so many are cold, shivering in the night, so I say, butcher those cats, skin them! Use their fur to keep hundreds warm!
- Raquel Welch: [shocked] Jesus, Phil!
- [Big Con drops a bar of soap in the prison shower room]
- Big Hairy Con: Bend over and pick it up for me, would you lover?
- Frank Drebin: Sure. No problem.
- [Bends over. His towel falls off, revealing cast iron underwear]
- Frank Drebin: Mrs. Dillon, your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal. You must be very proud of him.
- Muriel Dillon: I am.
- [during prison riot]
- Rocco Dillon: I've been watching you McGurke. You handle yourself really good.
- Frank Drebin: Really well.
- Rocco Dillon: Whatever.
- Muriel Dillon: How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie?
- Rocco Dillon: As well as a heterosexual can in prison. I don't know how much longer I can take it. How's Tanya?
- Muriel Dillon: Tanya's the same. Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, firm buttocks, ample breasts, ears you want to stick your tongue into.
- Rocco Dillon: Ma, please. I'm gonna get guy cramps if you keep this up.
- Frank Drebin: [Narrating] Rocco could tell from my little escapade in the shower that I was well endowed... with courage.
- Tanya Peters: Hey, who's the stud?
- Rocco Dillon: Oh, I'd like you to meet the newest member of our gang. Slasher McGurke, meet Tanya Peters.
- Tanya Peters: Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere?
- Muriel Dillon: [putting her gun in his face] I smelled cop on him the minute I saw him.
- Frank Drebin: I get that all the time. The underwear ads, played everywhere.
- Muriel Dillon: Are you saying you're not a cop?
- Frank Drebin: Well... yeah!
- Rocco Dillon: Well, that's good enough for me.
- Tanya Peters: Me, too.
- Muriel Dillon: I'm fine.
- Rocco Dillon: Pull out the bomb, Drebin. If you don't, I'll shoot the dame.
- Frank Drebin: All right, Rocco. All right. I'll do what you say.
- Jane Spencer: Frank!
- Frank Drebin: Just don't harm her.
- Jane Spencer: Frank, if you pull out the bomb, you'll kill me anyway, and everyone else in this theater.
- Frank Drebin: Yeah. No dice, Rocco.
- Rocco Dillon: Then I'll plug her.
- Frank Drebin: You shoot her, and I'll empty this envelope.
- Jane Spencer: Frank, think about it.
- Frank Drebin: It's all right. You'll be dead.
- Jane Spencer: Then you'll kill yourself and everyone here.
- Frank Drebin: Yeah.
- Rocco Dillon: Then I'll shoot you, Drebin, if you don't do as I say.
- Frank Drebin: Jane?
- Jane Spencer: I'd be safe, so would everyone else, but you'd be dead.
- Frank Drebin: This is getting a little complicated, Rocco.
- Frank Drebin: Let's look at this logically. You're the psychotic. You should have the envelope. I should have the gun.
- Jane Spencer: Frank!
- Frank Drebin: I know what I'm doing.
- [as he and Rocco trade, the cops, everyone in the control room, and the audience all facepalm]
- Rocco Dillon: All right! Here's your best picture! In front of the whole worldwide audience, this place is going up!
- Ed Hocken: Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy.
- [he grabs the woman next to him and kisses her]
- Frank Drebin: Wait a minute, Rocco. Before we're all blown to bits, mind if I pull the underwear out of my crack? A man's got to go comfortable.
- Rocco Dillon: All right. But that's it.
- Frank Drebin: [feigning bending over, he knocks the bomb out of Rocco's hand] All right, give it up, Rocco. You're history.
- Rocco Dillon: [pointing behind him] Look, George Hamilton!
- [as Frank turns to look, Rocco takes the gun away]
- 'Weird Al' Yankovic: [in their underwear, talking to two security guards] Silver hair.
- Vanna White: About 6'2".
- 'Weird Al' Yankovic: Kind of looked like Phil Donahue.
- Vanna White: Yeah.
- Frank Drebin: [looking for Jane] Ja...
- 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Vanna White: [spotting him] That's the guy!
- Rocco Dillon: [listening to Frank and Jane bicker] Jeez, you two, knock it off! You'd think you were married or something.
- Frank Drebin: I knew I'd bump into you around here somewhere. I want answers, cherry cakes.
- Tanya Peters: I love you.
- Frank Drebin: Wrong answer. I've dropped out of the sap of the month club a long time ago. Now, listen to me, angel drawers, you've got one last chance. And I don't mean one of those Major League Baseball, Steve Howe kind of last chances. Now, where is Jane?
- Tanya Peters: I swear I don't know.
- Frank Drebin: All right, then, where's the bomb?
- Tanya Peters: It's in the Best Picture envelope. Oh, Mr. Drebin, I wanna go straight. I'm tired of the lies. Oh, kiss me. Please kiss me. I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure.
- [she kisses him; as he sits down, she pulls the straps of her dress down and his eyes widen as he sees she has a penis; breaking the fourth wall and looking at the audience, he gags and runs out of the room]
- Security Guard: [elsewhere, talking to Ed and Nordberg] He looked a little like Phil Donahue; white hair...
- [Frank runs past]
- Security Guard: That's the guy!
- Frank Drebin: [seeing Tanya in just a one-piece bathing suit] That bathing suit was never happier. I had only a second to admire the view. I had to watch out; if she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf.
- Tanya Peters: Come here, sexy.
- Frank Drebin: You're all woman. I could tell just by looking at you.
- Rocco Dillon: Hey! She's referring to me.
- Frank Drebin: [covering] Uh... I was talking about your mother.
- Ed Hocken: Nordberg, look! That's Frank at the Academy Awards.
- Nordberg: Hey, how did he get tickets?
- Ed Hocken: Nordberg! That's where Rocco Dillon is going to strike next. He's planning on blowing up the Academy Awards. We've gotta get there!
- Nordberg: But, Captain, we're... we're not invited. We're cops.
- Ed Hocken: [picking up a silent phone receiver] It's for you.
- Nordberg: [taking it, oblivious] Norberg, Police Squad. Hello? Hello?
- [handing it to another cop]
- Nordberg: Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke.
- Rocco Dillon: [leading Frank to his secluded cabin] Well, what do you think, kid?
- Frank Drebin: It's a great setup.
- Rocco Dillon: No phone, miles from the nearest town, Playboy channel, perfect.
- Frank Drebin: High stakes, but I'm here for the action. What are we going after, a bank, armored car, Dodgers' payroll?
- Muriel Dillon: [putting a gun in his face] You're getting a little bit too nosy, McGurke.
- Rocco Dillon: Relax, Ma. She's been itching to try out her new gun.
- Frank Drebin: I know the feeling.
- Jane Spencer: He has no idea what a woman wants or needs. You're so insensitive.
- Frank Drebin: This isn't that the toilet seat thing again, is it?
- Jane Spencer: It's babies, Frank! I want to have a baby. And every time we start to make love, you have a headache.
- Frank Drebin: I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying. I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books, things that vibrate.
- Jane Spencer: Frank!
- Frank Drebin: Well, maybe it's your fault.
- Dr. Stuart Eisendrath: Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear, a black teddy?
- Frank Drebin: I've worn them all. They don't work.
- Frank Drebin: I was in prison, surrounded by murderers, rapists and thieves. It was like being in the stands at a Los Angeles Raiders game.
- Jane Spencer: Why don't you want a child?
- Frank Drebin: Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year-old Korean girl?
- Frank Drebin: Having a baby is a big responsibility. It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.
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Top Gap
By what name was Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult (1994) officially released in India in English?
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