- James Humphrey: Wait! You're cutting into his butt!
- Frank Miller: Well, what kind of piece do you want?
- James Humphrey: Well, not butt!
- George Noon: [interrupting the trappers' gruesome song about the joys of killing animals] Oh, stop!
- James Humphrey: That's sick!
- Frenchy Cabazon: I agree! Nutter was singing in the wrong key!
- Preston Nutter: No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheiser! I was singing in E-flat minor.
- Frenchy Cabazon: The song's in F-sharp major!
- Shannon Bell: I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative major of F sharp.
- Frenchy Cabazon: No it isn't! The relative minor is three half-tones DOWN from the major, not up!
- George Noon: No, it's three down. Like A is the relative minor of C major.
- O.D. Loutzenheiser: But isn't A-sharp in C major?
- Shannon Bell: Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?
- Frenchy Cabazon: A-sharp is tonic to C major! It's the sixth!
- James Humphrey: No, it isn't!
- Israel Swan: Well, it would be like a raised 13th if anything.
- Frenchy Cabazon: Oh well, you guys are just a bunch of loser diggers anyhow!
- James Humphrey: Oh, see, you know we're right!
- Alferd Packer: The sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as warm as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, when I say it's a *shpadoinkle* day! As I ride with my girl, She's my best friend in the whole world! We'll move along, set our goals high With eyes full of hope as we aim for the-- Sky is blue and all the leaves are green. My heart's as full as a baked potato. I think I know precisely what I mean, When I say it's a shpadoinkle day! When I say it's a happy-go-moinkaly lucky shpadoinklely... dayyyyyy.
- Polly Pry: You made it to Wyoming, right?
- Alferd Packer: Yeah, but I would've been better off just letting those people catch me and kill me.
- Polly Pry: Why?
- Alferd Packer: You ever been to Wyoming.
- [cut to Alferd in a deserted field]
- Alferd Packer: Uh, hello?
- Polly Pry: [cut back to the jail cell] Oh God! It sounds horrible!
- [reaching the Grand Canyon]
- Alferd Packer: Come on, we can just walk around it. It can't be that big.
- The Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my eye?
- Miners: [all scream]
- The Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my *eye*?
- Miners: [various] No. No. No. Not at all.
- The Cyclops: A union army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the union army?
- Frank Miller: Shucks no!
- Shannon Bell: Chucky dang darn!
- The Cyclops: So, you the boys been killin' all my sheepies with those traps?
- George Noon: Naw! We just now gots here.
- The Cyclops: Where are you from?
- James Humphrey: Nashville.
- The Cyclops: Well, damn! It's good to see some Southern boys! It's been a long time!
- [sings]
- The Cyclops: Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten, look away! Look away! Look Awaaaay...
- [waits for other to finish]
- James Humphrey: ...You stupid yank!
- The Cyclops: You ain't southern boys!
- Miners: [all scream again and run]
- James Humphrey: Wait, you guys. Let me talk to them. I know how to speak Indian.
- Shannon Bell: We're gonna die.
- James Humphrey: Weep-wah, weep-wah, surro no happo?
- Indian #2: Nani itto n jaa, omee?
- [What the heck are you saying?]
- James Humphrey: He says, "Welcome to the land of blue light."
- [Humphrey simultaneously signs "Jesus Christ is dead."]
- Indian #2: Omai wa sono uchi, sakana to ishoo ni onemu suru koto ni naru, zo!
- [Keep it up and you'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?]
- James Humphrey: I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom.
- Frank Miller: Humphrey, you are so full of shit!
- [mocking Alferd Packer not explaining the Colorado River beforehand]
- James Humphrey: 'Are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge?' 'Oh no, just the Colorado!' THE BIGGEST FUCKING RIVER I'VE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Ya said drippin' with water.
- [after spotting a sheep, George Noon starts unzipping his pants]
- Alferd Packer: No, to eat.
- George Noon: I know, I gotta take a piss!
- Indian Chief: Ya ya ya! Yoku kita na! Kimi ga kono eiga no shujinkoo nan daroo?
- [Hi hi hi! Welcome! I guess you are the heroes of this movie?]
- James Humphrey: He says...
- Indian Chief: Who are you assholes?
- James Humphrey: Oh, he speaks English.
- Indian #2: Nanda? Sugu kotchi koi! Haiyaku! Haiyaku!
- [What the heck? Come here immediately! Quickly! Quickly!]
- Indian #1: Kuso, bakayarou! Kono eiga ga daikirai zo.
- [Shit, you moron! I hate this movie]
- James Humphrey: Uh, you guys, I think they want us to follow them.
- Indian #1: Ike. Kono eiga ga suggoi baka na eiga da na!
- [Go. This is a really stupid movie!]
- Alferd Packer: What should we do?
- George Noon: Maybe they just want Humphrey.
- Indian #1: Kotchi koi!
- [Come here!]
- Shannon Bell: I guess we don't have much choice.
- Frank Miller: Well, haven't you ever heard of the Donner party?
- James Humphrey: Yeah, the Donner party! They got stuck in the California mountains.
- Alferd Packer: They had to eat each other to stay alive.
- [They all glance over at Swan's corpse]
- James Humphrey: Well, heck yeah, why not?
- Shannon Bell: Wait a minute, Humphrey, you wouldn't even eat your shoes!
- James Humphrey: Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes!
- Frank Miller: [seeing their dinner] You son of a bitch Humphrey.
- James Humphrey: Come on, you haven't even tried it.
- [Miller takes a mouthful]
- Frank Miller: You son of a bitch Humphrey.
- Israel Swan: If you don't find a nice girl in Colorado, just remember, there's plenty of mountain sheep.
- George Noon: How big of mountain sheep?
- Frank Miller: What part do we eat?
- James Humphrey: Well, you're the butcher.
- Frank Miller: Yeah, but...
- James Humphrey: So, butch!
- [singing]
- Israel Swan: Sometimes, the world is black./And tears run from your eyes./Maybe we'll all get really sick./And maybe we'll all die... /Sooooooooooooo, let's build a snowman/We can make him our best friend./We can name him Tom or we can name him George!/We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall./Snowman!/He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view./If you build me a snowman, then I'll build one for you./So, let's build a snowman!/We can make him our best friend./We can name him Bob or we can name him Beowulf!/We can make him tall, or we can make him not so tall./Snowman!/Hey!
- [Starts to tap dance]
- Israel Swan: He'll have a happy face, a happy smile, a happy point of view./If you build me a snowman, then I'll build one for you./Snowman! Snowman! Snowman!
- [about his horse, Liane]
- Alferd Packer: She didn't just take off. We're friends, and friends don't just take off.
- [after Swan has been shot]
- George Noon: He's dead!
- James Humphrey: Well no kidding he's dead. His brains are lying in the snow.
- Frank Miller: God you guys make me sick. What is this, a fucking feel good convention?
- Shannon Bell: Listen, we have a long journey ahead of us. Its important we all get along. Now, you're hurting people's feelings. Your gunna have to find a more constructive way to express your anger.
- Frank Miller: Okay. Well, fuck you! How's that for constructive?
- Shannon Bell: That's great, now go to time out Mister.
- [Noon is trying to flirt with an Indian girl]
- George Noon: I may look tough and mean-spirited but I'm really a sensitive artist.
- Indian Girl: That's very interesting.
- George Noon: I paint, and I sculpt with my hands.
- Indian Girl: That's very interesting too.
- George Noon: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
- Indian Girl: That's very interesting.
- Shannon Bell: We are from Utah.
- Indian Chief: Utah?
- [Bell holds out the Mormon Bible]
- Indian Chief: Ah, Utah.
- Shannon Bell: Can you tell us what tribe this is?
- Indian Chief: We are Indians.
- Shannon Bell: Yes... I can see that, but can you tell us...
- Indian Chief: You don't believe we are Indians?
- Shannon Bell: No, all...
- Indian Chief: We have teepees!
- [Motions with arms at teepees]
- Shannon Bell: Yes, I see, but...
- Indian Chief: Look at all these teepees we have... Because, we are...
- [looks at companion and folds arms]
- Indian Chief: Indians!
- James Humphrey: Oh, gosh, I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip.
- George Noon: Just do what I'm doing. Just pretend like you're laying next to a nice soft woman.
- Frank Miller: *What*?
- George Noon: I'm just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice tall blonde.
- Frank Miller: Oh, goddamn it! I want another partner!
- James Humphrey: Excuse me. I've been doing some thinking. Ummm... just kind of looking at our situation here, and I've come to the conclusion that we're completely fucked! Has anybody else made this discovery?
- George Noon: How deep do you think it is?
- Alferd Packer: [throws rock in and everybody stares at the splash site for a few seconds]
- Frank Miller: Well, what the hell was that supposed to prove?
- Alferd Packer: Well, s-s... what... I don't know.
- [first lines]
- Title Card: The film you are about to see was originally released in 1954. Upstaged by the overwhelming popularity of "Oklahoma!", it's short lived theater run was canceled, and "Alfred Packer: The Musical" soon fell into obscurity. The original negative, re-discovered just last year, has been painstakingly restored using state-of-the-art color enhancing and computer reconstruction technology. The film's violent scenes have been edited out for your viewing pleasure.
- [last lines]
- Title Card: Due to the continued efforts of Polly Pry, Alfred Packer was eventually released from prison in 1901.
- James Humphrey: Watch out for that bear trap.
- Shannon Bell: What?
- [Bear trap snaps on his leg]
- Shannon Bell: [screams] Shpadoinkle.
- James Humphrey: You guys! I just thought of something too.
- Alferd Packer: What?
- James Humphrey: Okay, now, you remember when Swan was building that snowman? Well, how the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?
- George Noon: You just now thought of that?
- James Humphrey: Well, it's pretty fucking weird, isn't it?
- [singing about Liane]
- Alferd Packer: Your eyes, your smile,/made my little life worthwhile./The sky was a lot more blue/when I was on top of you.
- George Noon: I know there's more to life then women. I just can't figure out what else there is. I don't need it every night, every morning'd be just fine. A little sex, that's all I'm asking for.
- Shannon Bell: Trials and tribulations, that's what life's all about! Now are we gonna let this one little thing keep us from fulfilling our dreams?
- Miners: Yes!
- Shannon Bell: Oh, come on now. We've gotta be strong, don't we?
- Miners: No!
- Polly Pry: How are you doing?
- Alferd Packer: How am I doing? Have you ever been sitting around waiting to die?
- Polly Pry: Yes! I have as a matter of fact!
- Alferd Packer: When?
- Polly Pry: Well alright, I've never really...
- Sheriff Amos Wall of Saguache: Alferd Packer, any last words?
- Alferd Packer: Yes.
- Sheriff Amos Wall of Saguache: [sighs] Oh well, make it quick.
- Alferd Packer: Probably the most important thing is that when things get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say "Well, alright!" cause it's probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse.
- Sheriff Amos Wall of Saguache: Jolly good! Now let's get on with the hanging!
- James Humphrey: Oookay... We, we could take our wheelbarrow, build it into a little boat, and then we ride it across, and then build it back into a wheelbarrow again!
- [Alferd Packer is at the courthouse, waiting for the verdict]
- Judge Melville B. Jerry: The defendant will rise.
- [Packer rises]
- Judge Melville B. Jerry: Alferd Packer, a jury of twelve honest citizens have sat in judgment on your case and have found you... guilty.
- [the courtroom buzzes with quiet chatter about the verdict]
- Judge Melville B. Jerry: Alferd Packer, the judgment of this court is that you be removed from hence to the jail of Hinsdale County, and then be taken to a place of execution prepared for this purpose, within the limits of the town of Lake City, and then and there be hung by the neck until you are dead, dead, dead.
- [Packer is aghast at this]
- Judge Melville B. Jerry: [smiling] And may God have mercy on your soul.
- [lowers the gavel once more, closing the proceedings]
- Frenchy Cabazon: You guys don't even know what it *means* to be a trapper.
- Preston Nutter: Yeah! Tell 'em, French.
- Frenchy Cabazon: I can catch a helpless animal,/skin it with my bare hands./I wake up muddy,/and I go to bed bloody,/'cause I'm a trappin' man./I can brave the nastiest weather.
- O.D. Loutzenheiser, Preston Nutter: Weather!
- Frenchy Cabazon: Even if it's 80 below.
- O.D. Loutzenheiser, Preston Nutter: Below!
- Frenchy Cabazon: My pa was an elephant,/but that's irrelevant./My ma was an Eskimo./I eat rabbits' heads for breakfast.
- O.D. Loutzenheiser, Preston Nutter: Breakfast!
- Frenchy Cabazon: With beaver butt on the side.
- O.D. Loutzenheiser, Preston Nutter: The side!
- Frenchy Cabazon: My mind's magnificent and my body no different./I'm full of trapper pride!/Yo-ho!
- Preston Nutter: Yo-ho!
- O.D. Loutzenheiser: Yo-ho!
- Preston Nutter: Rip their fur,/cut their skin with my knife./Yo-ho!
- Preston Nutter: Yo-ho!
- O.D. Loutzenheiser: Yo-ho!
- Frenchy Cabazon: One thing's for sure,/there's nothing like a trappin' life!
- O.D. Loutzenheiser: You ain't trappers.
- Frank Miller: No, we're miners.
- Preston Nutter: You're diggers!
- O.D. Loutzenheiser: Trapper horse ain't supposed to be with no digger!
- James Humphrey: Nice hat!
- Alferd Packer: [voiceover] We were all frostbitten and on our last legs, when the butcher suggested that we eat our shoes.
- James Humphrey: Well, I'm not eating my fucking shoes!
- Frenchy Cabazon: Say, you gents wanna trade some furs for the trip?
- [takes some dead animals out of a sack]
- Frenchy Cabazon: We got rabbits and beavers.
- Israel Swan: Oh, how horrible!
- James Humphrey: Where'd you guys get all those little dead animals?
- O.D. Loutzenheiser: We're trappers, stupid!
- Alferd Packer: Poor little bunny rabbits.
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