- Joe: I'm gonna kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. In fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or... wait a minute. With the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York, but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done and I could also be dead.
- Steffi: You always pick the wrong women.
- Joe: Hey, I picked you.
- Steffi: Yeah, I know, we got divorced.
- Joe: 'Cause you were impossible to live with.
- Steffi: "I was impossible to live with," I love this. You couldn't figure out whether you wanted to be a psychoanalyst or a writer!
- Joe: So I compromised, I became a writer and a patient.
- DJ: [as a narrator] And, of course, my stepbrother Scott, who's very smart, but currently on the outs with the family, because he's become a conservative Republican, which has caused my stepfather to have a stroke since we're all liberal Democrats.
- DJ: [as a narrator] And wouldn't you know it, as soon as his brain started functioning properly, Scott resigned from the Young Conservative Republican Club and started espousing left-wing, Democratic, liberal philosophy.
- Charles Ferry: [after kissing her with some passion] How was it?
- Schuyler Dandridge: [Obviously aroused from the kiss, she pauses as she licks her bottom lip] Uh... very interesting. I've never been kissed by a sociopath before.
- Charles Ferry: I kissed you the best I could - considering the only practice I had kissin' in the last ten years is with Vincent 'The Thumb' Adatto.
- Schuyler Dandridge: Jeez, Vincent the Thumb doesn't know what he's missing.
- Bob: I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.
- Steffi: I've been trying since we got divorced to find the right woman for him, somebody to match up with his personality. I'm beginning to wonder if the world population isn't too limited.
- Charles Ferry: If you were my girl, I'd make love to you in every room of the house, on every table top, on every rug...
- Schuyler Dandridge: We also have some lovely Early American chandeliers...
- Rapper: Yo check it I'm through with love / I'm through with all you muthafuckas.
- Steffi: Speaking as a woman, Holden can be very animal too.
- Schuyler Dandridge: Yes, Mom, but it's of the gerbil family.
- Bob: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my own son, my flesh and blood. I can't believe it. Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.
- Steffi: I say give them an opportunity to decorate their own cells with their personal interior decorator.
- DJ: [as a narrator] If Dad's a liberal Democrat, then you'd have to say Mom is the one thing more extreme. She's a guilty liberal Democrat.
- Steffi: [Sitting in the funeral parlor] What's it all about? I ean, what - what are we doing? We're rushing... we're rushing...
- Bob: Th-that's right.
- Steffi: Where are we going?
- Laura: [Commenting as a sidebar to Lane about their parents] They're so old.
- Steffi: ...into the void.
- Bob: That's it. The void is it? You know, I never believed in God!
- Steffi: Oh.
- Bob: No, I didn't... not even asa little kid. I used - I used to think - I remember this - I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job!
- Lane: [Reprovingly] Dad!
- Bob: It's a wonder people don't file a class action suit against him.
- Steffi: He was a foot fetishist, it's the only group I remember him belonging to - it drove your Mother crazy.
- Schuyler Dandridge: Charles, where did you get the money to pay for everything... and this car?
- Charles Ferry: Uh, well, you know... loans.
- Charles Ferry: A lot of times a guy'll come up behind ya and... Swish! You get your blade out quick, you stick it in him, or you're dead.
- DJ: Have you stuck a lot of other inmates, Mr. Ferry?
- Charles Ferry: Enough.
- Steffi: He's a criminal!
- Schuyler Dandridge: Mom, I'm shocked. You've done nothing but sing his praises for months.
- Bob: How are you going to go out with this man? You can't get behind him. He won't let you! You try to scratch his back, he'll knife you!
- Charles Ferry: I'm lucky the parole came trough, but I was gonna get out one way or the other.
- Lane: Excuse me, what exactly does that mean?
- Charles Ferry: Ice the guard.
- Charles Ferry: [having suddenly kissed Schuyler] How was it?
- Schuyler Dandridge: [quite surprised] Uh, very interesting. I've never been kissed by a sociopath before.
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