- Bacon: What's that?
- Samoan Joe's Barman: It's a cocktail. You asked for a cocktail.
- Bacon: No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in that!
- Samoan Joe's Barman: You want a pint, you go to the pub.
- Bacon: I thought this was a pub!
- Samoan Joes Barman: It's a Samoan pub.
- [first lines]
- Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
- Eddie: Did you say ten pound?
- Bacon: Are you deaf?
- Eddie: That's a bargain. I'll take one.
- Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again. They've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
- Eddie: Bacon, cozzers!
- Bacon: Shit.
- "Hatchet" Harry: You must be Eddie, J.D.'s son.
- Eddie: Yeah. You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father.
- "Hatchet" Harry: Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.
- Rory Breaker: Your stupidity must be your one saving grace.
- Nick the Greek: Uh?
- Rory Breaker: Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your fucking stupid soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt's joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause Im not fucking laughing Ni-ko-las!
- Nick the Greek: [shrugs nervously]
- Rory Breaker: I know you couldn't have known my position 'cause you're not that stupid that if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse with that "what's going on here?" look slapped all over your chevy chase! But what you do know is where these people live.
- [rises from his chair and walks towards Nick]
- Rory Breaker: If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything, I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything I've just said? 'Cause if you don't, I'll kill ya! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me.
- Nick the Greek: [nods nervously]
- Tom: Rory Breaker?
- Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny looking fucker, I know. But you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted. He's gone down the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens. He wanders up and turns the liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action and he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the geezer. 'That's fucking what?' says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.
- Rory Breaker: If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it. Know what I mean?
- Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
- Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
- Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?
- Bacon: I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
- Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage?
- Charles: Uh, security.
- Winston: That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' fucking use it?
- Charles: Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
- Winston: Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?
- Willie: Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?
- Winston: The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep *the fucking cage locked!* What is that?
- Willie: That's Gloria.
- Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?
- Willie: Fertilizer.
- Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.
- Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.
- Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle.
- Willie: What do you mean?
- Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie.
- Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?
- Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains of the operation. Yes, guns that fire shot.
- Nick the Greek: Dunno Tom. Seems expensive.
- Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!
- Nick the Greek: All right all right, keep your Alans on!
- [Peels off notes from his wad]
- Nick the Greek: Here's a ton.
- Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ!
- Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?
- Nick the Greek: 100 pounds is still 100 pounds.
- Tom: Not when the price is 200 pounds it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, c'mon. Lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.
- Tom: Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er... I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!
- Bacon: So how long do you have to wait for a return?
- Tom: Probably no more than four weeks.
- Bacon: Well what good is that if we need it in six... no, five days?
- Tom: Well it was still a good idea.
- Rory Breaker: Get Nick, the greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard round here now, if he's still stupid enough to be on this planet!
- [after shooting each other]
- Gary: What the fuck are you doing here?
- Barry the Baptist: What the FUCK are YOU doing here?
- Rory Breaker: What did you shoot him with, an air rifle?
- Winston: Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
- Rory Breaker: You don't say.
- Little Chris: Fuckin' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?
- Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't!
- Rory Breaker: Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause I'm not fucking laughing Nicholas.
- Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.
- Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
- Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
- Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
- Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
- Big Chris: [Big Chris has just explained that Eddie is in debt with Hatchet Harry] I understand if this has come as a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you, a good father.
- JD: Go on.
- Big Chris: He likes your bar.
- JD: Yes?
- Big Chris: He wants your bar.
- JD: And?
- Big Chris: Do you want me to draw you a picture?
- Bacon: Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for an explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, reached out for the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe.
- [haggling with Tom]
- Nick the Greek: What else does it come with?
- Tom: It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.
- Soap: You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
- Tom: They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?
- Soap: You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.
- Eddie: I don't know. What I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. And if there's no more debt, there's no more problem. And there's no problem with the neighbors... because they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong... we're in the clear.
- Dog: So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we? In fact, this is a bit more than a bit of a problem. I'd say it's the Mount fucking Everest of problems! And the reason it's such a fucking monstrosity of a problem is, *you haven't got the first idea who did this to us, have ya*?
- Plank: We've been up all night. It's no one from round here. We've had 'em all lined up against the wall. If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know.
- Dog: [screaming] You'd know? You'd fucking know? You wouldn't know if it was the next door *fucking* neighbours! Get out there and find them! I'm sick of the fucking sight of ya!
- [Kicks Plank's head through a wall, revealing a set of listening equipment]
- Rory Breaker: Now watch out for these fellas. They've got a bit of an arsenal, and they don't mind using it.
- Nick the Greek: Just get me a sample.
- Tom: No can do.
- Nick the Greek: What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.
- Barry the Baptist: If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those guns. Quick!
- Gary: So who's the gov'? Who we doing this for?
- Barry the Baptist: You're doing it for me, that's all you need to know. You know because you need to know.
- Gary: I see. One of them "on a need to know basis" things is it. Like one of them James Bond films.
- Barry the Baptist: Careful. Remember who's giving you this job.
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Top Gap
What is the streaming release date of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) in Australia?
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