- Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
- Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
- Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Guilt or innocence, that's not my job. It's my duty to pick up scum-sucking punks like yourself who are accused of a crime. A jury of twelve really stupid people who are easily swayed by rich, fat-cat, slimy lawyers, who'll do anything but tell the truth, will sit in judgment of you. It's as American as a burrito.
- Cass Lake: We're six floors up. No-one can see you.
- Off-screen voice: Hey, Cass. Who's your new friend?
- Ryan Harrison: I'm not going to take it any longer. I'm going to fight back. I am going to prove that I am not guilty.
- Security Guard #1: SHUT UP!
- Ryan Harrison: No! I've been wrongfully accused.
- [Guard hits Harrison with a baton]
- Ryan Harrison: How dare you, sir?
- Security Guard #1: How dare you?
- Ryan Harrison: No, how dare you?
- Security Guard #1: No, no, how dare you?
- Ryan Harrison: How dare you "no, no" my "how dare you?
- Security Guard #1: You dare to dare me?
- Ryan Harrison: How dare you "how dare me", when I "how dare you?", you big pee-pee head!
- Security Guard #1: *You* are the pee-pee head!
- Ryan Harrison: Mr. Booger Lips! Ca-ca mouth!
- Lauren: Ryan and I were having sex. Hot steamy, sweaty sex. Every part of my body tingled orgasm after orgasm...
- Sgt. Orono: Lady, I just asked for your name.
- Lauren: Oh... Mrs. Hibbing Goodhue.
- Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister.
- Ryan Harrison: Sister?
- Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.
- P.A. on the Prison Bus: Seats in the upright position. Handcuffs and ankle chains must be securely fastened or you will be shot. Exits are clearly marked but you will not be using them. Should you use them you will be shot. On behalf of the State of Minnesota thank you for being arrested and convicted. Sit back and enjoy your bus ride.
- Customer in bait shop: You know, I've never seen you around here, Mr...
- [Harrison quickly improvises a fake story, using objects in view above the counter]
- Ryan Harrison: Buzzin. Buzzin Frog. Born on the shores of the Euro Larvae River in Rapala. Couple of husky jerks brought me to Slimy Slug, South Dakota. Up there by Timber Doodle? The Zebco brothers, Smithwick and Salty Dog Shrimp... ohh!
- [Bangs hand on counter]
- Ryan Harrison: I can't go fishing this afternoon. I've got a big meeting over at... Menzrum.
- Ryan Harrison: [starts to walk away] I'd forget my genitals if they weren't superglued in between my legs. Water-skiing accident.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. One nation, indivisible, till death do us part.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Alright listen up, people. Our man will be on foot and running. A man that's tired, a man that's possibly hurt will have a stride of 4 ft, 2 and 3/4 inches while wearing boxer shorts. Four feet even, with the restrictions of a brief. Which means he will cover four miles in one hour. He's got an hour and 3/4 start on us. He'll take to the nearest highway. He'll commandeer a car or hop on a truck.
- [Ryan is in a garbage can for hiding on the back of a truck]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Now, the average elevation in this area is 2,057 feet 2 and ¼ inches, with one exception. He will take any chances, do anything to stay a free man. Climb, hike, rappel. Hell, even fall down a damn mountain.
- [Ryan falls down the steepest hill in the whole wide world inside the garbage can]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: It's a wilderness out there so this citified sophisticate better watch himself. He's in the heart of bear country.
- [Ryan bumps heads with a bear]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: This fiddle player will be hungry, famished, starved. His last meal was twelve hours ago.
- [an eagle feeds Ryan in his nest]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: This boy's on the run. He'll head for the city, a large city. He'll try to lose himself in a crowd.
- [Ryan is at the Million Man March]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: And wherever he goes, he will feel hundreds of eyes are staring his way. No matter what he does, no matter where he goes, he will feel hunted. And my friends, you are looking at the hunter! Bagley!
- Sgt. Tina Bagley: Sir!
- Lt. Fergus Falls: I want roadblocks around a 10-mile radius. Set up communications with all law enforcement. That's state, county, city! Get me Governor Carlson. I may need the National Guard.
- [Waitress walks by]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Diet coke, no ice. Alright, people. I want Harrison caught in 4 hours and 28 minutes. That will make it exactly high noon. Now let's move it!
- Judge: Ryan Harrison, a jury of your peers have found you guilty of murder. On August 12th at Stillwater Federal Prison you shall have your sentence carried out. You shall be executed buffet style: lethally injected, electrocuted, and placed before a firing squad. May God have mercy on your soul, you bastard you.
- Lauren Goodhue: I've never missed one of your concerts. Hibbing, however, wasn't at Friday's.
- Hibbing Goodhue: It was a high colonic.
- Ryan Harrison: Yes, a Jewish holiday. Mazel tov.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: All right, my angels! Move!
- [the three policemen start searching the apartment]
- Sgt. Tina Bagley: Patio Clear!
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Ivy needs water!
- Sgt. Orono: Den is clear!
- Lt. Fergus Falls: I got spaghetti! Watch it! Plate could be hot!
- [searching further]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: I got a shut door!
- [bangs the door open]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Empty. We throw a shoe every time we start to gallop. That man's as slick as a lizard in Jerry Lewis' hair.
- [notices a framed photograph of Cass Lake]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Cass Lake, face of an angel. Harrison's accomplice. A caterpillar has 2,087 minute hairs on each leg, but for the life of me, I cannot tell you why women keep falling for the wrong man!
- [starts moving out of the apartment]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: All right, people! Tag and log everything. I want carpet fibres. I want wallpaper swatches. I want all plumbing and wood surfaces analyzed. So vacuum, cut, chip and suck! There are two things that frost my butt: It's a snow cone about that high, and the other one is Ryan Harrison.
- Cass Lake: I'm your sister. Lauren's our mother.
- Lauren: I'm your mother's identical twin, born ten years apart but identical. I killed your mother. Penis envy. She was a hermaphrodite.
- Cass Lake: Mom was my mother *and* my father?
- Lauren: Sean's adopted. I dated your real father but chose the life of a freedom fighter.
- Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.
- Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!
- Ryan Harrison: [after bus crash] I can't see!
- Bus Prisoner: Take the waste-basket off your head.
- Ryan Harrison: [Takes it off] I still can't see!
- Bus Prisoner: Take the other one off.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Shoot and gut every animal in the park. Their stomachs might contain something that could be a clue. Donate the meat to charity. The hides can be turned into warm socks for the poor. Grind up the bones for dog food. I want nothing wasted.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: There are two things that frost my butt: It's a snow cone about that high, and the other one is Ryan Harrison.
- Sir Robert McKintyre: Hibbing has been my good friend since our school days at Cherry Pants-upon-Buttocks.
- [At Helm's bait shop]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Bagley, I want everyone interrogated. I want surnames, last names, given names, confirmation names. Give me photo analysis, footprint analysis, DNA, bra sizes. I'll check out who belongs to this truck.
- Ryan Harrison: Sit down, Pancakes. Of all the women in all the world, you had to walk into mine.
- Cass Lake: I'm sure if we just talk all night, we can work this out.
- Ryan Harrison: Sure, Slappy. Let's pull out that wad of cotton and get right to the aspirin. You hired a hit man. You wanted Hibbing dead. I saw the two of you arguing. And you were sizzling like a wiener on a hibachi.
- Cass Lake: Listen to me. I was abandoned as a child. I never knew my mother, I never knew my father, I never knew my dog...
- Ryan Harrison: Yeah, pretty words, Baby Crackers. Your Popeil Pasta Maker is spewing out fettuccini full of lies.
- [after spotting an assassin with a prosthetic leg in the crowd]
- Ryan Harrison: Look out! He's got a leg!
- Ryan Harrison: [wearing fishing outfit] Uh, these are.. on sale, right?
- Minnesota store owner: Sure, yeah. $32.50, okay? Uh-huh. You betcha, sure, uh-huh!
- Ryan Harrison: We can go away right now. I pack light. Everything we need is right here in my pants.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: [when they realize that Cass Lake is helping Harrison] Call motor vehicles. Get her address.
- Sgt. Orono: We'll pick her up.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: No. No. There are better ways to find out what a woman knows.
- Sgt. Orono: Dinner and a movie, lie to her, say you love her.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: That works, but in this case we're going to stake out her place. She's going to lead us to Ryan Harrison.
- [after a kiss]
- Ryan Harrison: Damn you! Damn you for making me fall in love with you! I can't let you get mixed up in this.
- Cass Lake: I want to get mixed up in it.
- Ryan Harrison: I can't do it to you.
- Cass Lake: I want you to do it to me.
- Ryan Harrison: I'm a hunted man. Every time I think that I'm out, they pull me back in.
- Cass Lake: Hunt *me*! Pull *me*! Ryan, you can't do this on your own.
- Ryan Harrison: I have to. Now, listen. I'm going out that door and where I'm going, you can't follow me. And I'm not trying to be noble. But baby, out there it's a hill of beans. Here's looking at you, kid. You're the stuff dreams are made of.
- [Harrison staggers and faints, Cass Lake catches him]
- Cass Lake: You see? You're exhausted. Listen, I'm going to give you a sponge bath, give you a bracing enema and make you something to eat. Just put your weight on me. I'll take you into the bedroom.
- Ryan Harrison: [startled] An enema?
- Ryan Harrison: Put your hand in my pocket.
- Cass Lake: All right... What am I looking for?
- Ryan Harrison: Nothing. I just missed you, baby. We're going to party like it's 1995.
- Cass Lake: Oh, Ryan. I hoped you'd say those words. I love you.
- [they kiss]
- Ryan Harrison: Boy! You really are something, aren't you? You believed me just then, didn't you? How does it feel? You were lit up like Dennis Rodman at Christmastime. You really are good!
- Cass Lake: I do love you, Ryan. I truly do.
- Ryan Harrison: And you eat with that mouth? The Beatles said it best: "She loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah." Listen, Michelle, my belle, this nowhere man is the walrus. Kookookachoo! Up at the apartment, you said you thought I was innocent. But then visions of a big fat reward danced through your head like sugarplums on steroids. You made a call, you got a gat, and you sicced Johnny Law on me!
- Cass Lake: You're just a big bully, aren't you? That gun was for your protection. I was calling the airlines for you, you mean man! I was trying to get you on the first plane to South America!
- Ryan Harrison: I wish I had a Quarter Pounder with Cheese every time I heard that chestnut. Well, this little nutcracker is not dancing to your suite anymore, princess.
- Ryan Harrison: Fergus Falls, here's the one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed man! Are you frightened, punk? Did I fire the last bullet or is there is another one in the chamber with your name on it? Does the thought of death play with your mind,uh... punk? Do you... gots to know? Well... you got lucky. There are no more bullets in the chamber.
- [Fires in the air, a tree branch falls down and hits Sean Laughrea]
- Ryan Harrison: Whoops! My mistake!
- Ryan Harrison: Well, Lauren, you'll pay the highest price of all where you're going. Those wet lips and hot kisses will be falling on deaf ears for a long time to come.
- [to Fergus Falls]
- Ryan Harrison: They're all yours, Falls. Tied up tight, like a bride on her honeymoon night.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: And so our tracks have finally come together. It's time to drive the golden spike. Ryan Harrison, I say to you, on behalf of law enforcement all over the world... you were wrongfully accused.
- [wearing a white lab coat, Harrison enters a deserted hospital emergency room when suddenly, injured people pour into the area from all directions]
- Paramedic #1: [voice] A volcano has erupted!
- Paramedic #2: [voice] Tornado!
- Paramedic: [voice] Earthquake!
- Patient: [voice] El Nino!
- Man: [voice] Herpies!
- Hospital Visitor: [voice] An ocean liner just hit an iceburg!
- [impersonating a doctor, Harrison looks at various patients in a hospital ER]
- Ryan Harrison: [refering to a fat man] He's pregnant.
- Paramedic #2: [refering to another patient] Doctor, this man has been shot five times!
- Ryan Harrison: Put him in the 10 bullets or less line.
- Paramedic: [refering to a pregnant woman in labor] Doctor, you may want to take a look at this.
- Ryan Harrison: No thank you!
- Ryan Harrison: [refering to another patient] This man's in cardiac arrest. Give him 200,000 cc's of adrenaline.
- Nurse: But Doc...
- Ryan Harrison: But what? Damn your butt! I said 200,000 cc's of adrenaline!
- Ryan Harrison: [refering to another injured woman] Balance, rotate, and align the organs.
- Violinist: [Crying at the violin concert] Oh, that's so sad!
- Ruth the News Anchor: Good afternoon I'm Ruth Kimbell with your hometown news. For 36 hours Ryan Harrison, Murderer, all around big dink has been a fugitive. Lt. Fergus Falls is heading a worldwide manhunt. Police helicopters, dogs, psychics, and thousands of police are involved. Plus millions of average citizens who would give their left nut to collect the 50 thousand dollar reward, and who couldn't use a bit of extra money? A couple on a fixed income, a teacher, especially a struggling artist who had to return a large fee because someone hated her portrait. I personally wouldn't trust somebody like that for a million, billion, trillion dollars. Columbia heights jamboree is shaping-
- [Ryan mutes the TV. The newscaster begins freaking out because she cannot hear herself]
- [Outside the hospital]
- Lt. Fergus Falls: A man fitting Harrison's description and wearing a meat company shirt has entered the ER. There are 1,400 beds, a staff of 250, 150 individual rooms. Chances of our finding Cass and Harrison right off are 9,103 to 5. It is 3:05 P.M. We should make contact in 14 minutes which makes it exactly 3:19 P.M. Let's do it.
- Lt. Fergus Falls: Well, gather up all these leaves for trace evidence. Shoot and gut every animal in the park. Their stomachs might include something that could be a clue. Donate the meat to charity. The hides can be turned into warm socks for the poor. Grind up the bones for dog food. I want nothing wasted.
- Ryan Harrison: [Types ONE EYED, ONE ARMED, ONE LEGGED GUYS]
- Computer: Searching.
- Ryan Harrison: [types in SEAN LAUGHREA]
- Computer: Print?
- Ryan Harrison: [types YES]
- Computer: Thank you. How are you today? Getting any?
- Ryan Harrison: [types YES]
- Computer: Did you hear the one about the nun and the rabbi?
- Ryan Harrison: [types JUST PRINT]
- Computer: Okay, okay... Asshole.
- Ryan Harrison: I'm innocent. The one-armed, one-legged, one-eyed man, the bartender... he was the one who killed Hibbing Goodhue. And Lauren Goodhue is working with him - why I don't know!
- Lieutenant Fergus Falls: Why?
- Ryan Harrison: I don't know!
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