Scary Movie (2000)
Dave Sheridan: Doofy
Photos
Quotes
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The Killer : [rapping] I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the walls, then play tennis with your balls. If the phone rings, don't answer the call. Gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat, peel your foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace!
[camera pulls back to reveal all of Shorty's friends dead]
Shorty : Yo! That was the illest rhyme I ever seen!
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The Killer : Do you know where I am?
[Feet are sticking out from behind couch, and are kicking up and down]
Cindy Campbell : Um, you're behind the couch, I can see your feet.
The Killer : [Killer sticks head up and sees his feet. He grabs his head] D'oh!
The Killer : Okay,okay close your eyes!
[Cindy closes her eyes, and the killer tries to hide under the carpet, but then goes behind the curtains]
The Killer : Now do you know where I am?
[Cindy opens her eyes]
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The Killer : What's your favorite scary movie?
Drew Decker : Kazaam! You know, the one where Shaq plays a genie.
The Killer : That's not a horror movie.
Drew Decker : Yeah, well, you've never seen Shaq act.
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Shorty : [answers phone] Yo.
The Killer : Hello, Shorty. What are you doing?
Shorty : Nothin. Just watching the game. Smokin some bud.
The Killer : Are you all alone?
Shorty : [to roommate] Yo, pick up the phone!
Shorty's Roomate : [sticking out tongue] WAZZZZUPPP!
Shorty : WAZZZUP!
[killer looks at phone]
Shorty : Yo, Dookie! Pick up the phone!
Dookie : Yo.
The Killer : WAZZZZUP!
Shorty , The Killer , Shorty's Roomate , Dookie : WAZZZZZUPPP!
[Dookie and roommate hang up]
Shorty : What you doin my son?
The Killer : Nothing. Just chillin. Killin.
Shorty : True.
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Deputy Doofy : Mom said that when I wear this badge you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.
Buffy Gilmore : Yeah, and Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner!
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Deputy Doofy : Special Officer Doofy reporting!
Policeman #1 : Hey, Doofy! Smell my fingers!
Deputy Doofy : What's that?
Policeman #1 : That's when you know you've become a man, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy : Hey, Terry! Smell my fingers!
Policeman #1 : What the hell is that?
Deputy Doofy : My ass!
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The Killer : [reading pornography magazine] Nice breasts...
Drew Decker : What do you want?
The Killer : I wanna see what your insides look like.
Drew Decker : Then turn to page 54.
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Gail Hailstorm : Is that drool?
Deputy Doofy : Yeah, I forgot to swallow.
Gail Hailstorm : Don't worry, because I never forget.
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Deputy Doofy : I go poopie.
Sheriff : Did you just say you went "poopie"?
Deputy Doofy : Yeah, it was good.
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Gail Hailstorm : Isn't Cindy Campbell's father a suspect?
Sheriff : That is classified information, where did you get this?
Gail Hailstorm : Sorry, but my information is strictly confidential shit.
[Doofy steps out]
Deputy Doofy : Hi Gail... Gail swallows.
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Deputy Doofy : I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room!
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The Killer : [on the phone] What's was that noise?
Drew Decker : Oops, I farted. I didn't think you'd hear me.
The Killer : No... that popping noise...
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Drew Decker : [on the phone with killer] Or else my boyfriend is gonna be here any minute. He's black and he'll kick your ass!
The Killer : You mean the one who wears makeup and dresses like a woman?
Drew Decker : How did you know?
The Killer : Turn the porch lights on.
Drew Decker : [Turns on the lights, to see a Prince look-alike tied up, screaming] That's not my boyfriend. I mean, I fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.
Drew Decker : [the man shrieks] Look, I'm calling the cops!
The Killer : Go ahead, call the cops. But you might wanna check the back door first. You forgot to lock it.
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The Killer : [after stumbling around, letting his victim escape] I gotta stop drinking.
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[first lines]
Drew Decker : [answers a ringing phone] Hello.
The Killer : [on the other end] Wanna have a little fun?
Drew Decker : Who's this?
The Killer : Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.
Drew Decker : I don't think so.
[farts]
The Killer : What's that noise?
Drew Decker : Oops, I farted. I didn't think you'd hear me.
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Principal Squiggy : [to Cindy] Now, Cindy, the sheriff has some questions he would like to ask you today.
Sheriff : [sniffs the air] What is that... God-awful smell?
Principal Squiggy : [sniffs] I don't know.
Deputy Doofy : I go poopie.
Sheriff : Did you just say that you, uh, you went poopie?
Deputy Doofy : Yeah. It was good.
Sheriff : Hmm.
[to Squiggy]
Sheriff : Get him outta here.
Principal Squiggy : Yes.
[to Doofy]
Principal Squiggy : Thank you, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy : Okay.
Principal Squiggy : You should now go back to Special Ed.
Deputy Doofy : Okay. Salute.
[salutes to the Sheriff who salutes back]
Sheriff : Maybe a change of underwater, son
Cindy Campbell : Bye, Doofy.
Deputy Doofy : Bye, Cind
[Principal Squiggy takes him out of the office]
