- Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad!"
- Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile a' shit! What am I supposed to make outta that?
- Phil Dearly: Shit salad?
- Wyatt Rash: [In questioning Bobby about the "landscaping demise" of a customer's small dog] I understand you don't cut the Schneiders' lawn anymore.
- Bobby Kalzone: No, Sir. Not since Jeff killed Peaches.
- Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches ..? I thought it was the other way around.
- Bobby Kalzone: Peaches killed Jeff?
- Ellen: You're supposed to have that thing in your head that says, "BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!"
- Bobby Kalzone: I do have it! It just didn't work!
- Jeff Dearly: Where's my car?
- Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than your car.
- [pause]
- Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin' me what the hell's goin' on?
- Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove your car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.
- Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?
- Bobby Kalzone: [after grabbing the golf club Mona is using to damage Bobby's Yugo] God... this is. I mean, enough's enough. All I ever wanted was a nice professional business so that Ellie and I could have a...
- Jeff Dearly: [Cuts off Bobby and begins tapping his thumb and middle finger together] Ya, ya, ya, you know what this is? This is the world's smallest tambourine, and it's, and it's playing some sort of song or something.
- Mona Dearly: Shut up! Shut up! That's a violin, you asshole, give me that thing, give me that!
- Mona: Why'de you pull us over Feege?
- Feege: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. What the hell is the matter with you son? (to Jeph)
- Mona: What did you hurt him for?
- Feege: He's drunk!
- Mona: No he aint! Its OK baby. (to Jeph.) You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service pal!
- Mona Dearly: [Regarding the name BJ Landscaping] BJ?
- [laughs, then adds, condescendingly]
- Mona Dearly: Well, I think "JB" has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone goin' around calling ya "Blow Job Landscaping" - Do ya?
- Bobby Kalzone: Mona Dearly's dead.
- Ellie: What?
- Bobby Kalzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident.
- Ellie: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!
- Bobby Kalzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.
- Ellie: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.
- Bobby Kalzone: How did they treat me?
- Ellie: Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.
- Deputy Tony Carlucci: (to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death) So, uh... you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...
- Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh...
- Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.
- Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all.
- Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.
- Ellen: Yeah, but you're not even supposed to get that far, you're supposed to have that thing in your head that goes off and says, 'bad FUCKING idea, Bobby!'
- Bobby Kalzone: I have that thing! I have that thing. It just didn't go off.
- Ellen: [pause] Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.
- Bobby Kalzone: What? You're pregnant? That's great!
- Ellen: Uh huh! I thought so too, till a moment ago. I can't believe you killed someone!
- [gets up to leave]
- Bobby Kalzone: Where you going?
- Ellen: Home!
- Bobby Kalzone: We need milk.
- Jeff: [while threatening to kill himself] I know you all think I killed my parents.
- Chief Wyatt Rash: We don't think you killed anybody!
- Jeff: Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...
- [a flashback shows Mona cleaving a sausage]
- Jeff: Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.
- Mona Dearly: Don't touch that beer, Jeff.
- Jeff: [reaches out] Oh, give it to me.
- Mona Dearly: I SAID...
- [cleaves his hand clean off]
- Jeff: [screams in pain] FUCK!
- [back to present, everyone goes disgusted in shock]
- Jeff: Was I so wrong?
- Feege: You bet your ass.
- Jeff: Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.
- Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.
- Jeff: I didn't kill my dad neither.
- Chief Wyatt Rash: Then why don't you give me the gun.
- Jeff: [puts the gun to head] BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!
- Bobby Kalzone: [after Ellen slaps him after explaining what he did] What you do that for?
- Ellen: [outraged] You killed Mona Dearly!
- Bobby Kalzone: [chastened] I know.
- Ellen: BUT WHY!
- Bobby Kalzone: Because I thought I was killing Jeff!
- Ellen: Bobby, my dad is the chief of police!
- Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it.
- Ellen: It doesn't matter; you killed someone!
- Bobby Kalzone: I know, but I was doing it for us. Jeff was killing the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out of the partnership, so - Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Ellen: A good idea at the time? 'Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, DROWN THE DEARLYS AT 8:00'!
- Bobby Kalzone: [Regarding the cost of boneless chicken for the wedding] All right, uh, listen Murph, what's up with the whole chicken thing - You gonna help us out?
- Murph: Bobby, Look... if you want somebody to sit there and yank the bones out of a hundred chickens, it's gonna run ya money.
- Bobby Kalzone: Alright look, but, you're my - y' know, you're the best man at this wedding, Murph...
- Murph: I'm not makin' any money on this weddin' as it is!
- Bobby Kalzone: [High-pitched voice cracks] ... You know, you're my brother. Can't ya jist... do a brotherly deboning, or something?
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