Miss Détective (2000)
Michael Caine: Victor Melling
Photos
Quotes
-
Kathy Morningside : New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?
Gracie Hart : Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
[audience applauds]
Victor Melling : My God, I did it!
Gracie Hart : And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.
Victor Melling : A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!
-
Victor Melling : I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park"!
-
Victor Melling : What, no armored car?
Gracie Hart : That would be in my other dress.
-
Victor Melling : The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.
Gracie Hart : What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?
-
Victor Melling : [teaching Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
Gracie Hart : It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
-
Victor Melling : Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
-
Victor Melling : By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?
Gracie Hart : I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.
-
Gracie Hart : Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.
Victor Melling : You are not having sex on this stage.
Gracie Hart : I didn't know that was an option.
-
Victor Melling : I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.
-
Victor Melling : [during a makeover session] Eyebrows. There should be two.
-
Victor Melling : This woman has no talent!
Eric Matthews : Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!
-
Stan Fields : What is the one most important thing our society needs?
Gracie Hart : That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
[crowd is silent]
Gracie Hart : And world peace!
[crowd cheers ecstatically]
Stan Fields : Thank you, Gracie Lou.
Gracie Hart : And thank *you*, Stan.
[Gracie walks offstage]
Victor Melling : That was charming. Are you drunk?
Gracie Hart : I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!
-
Gracie Hart : I would so love to hurt you right now.
Victor Melling : As long as you smile.
-
Gracie Hart : Oh my gosh, it's the crown!
Victor Melling : Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?
[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]
Victor Melling : Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!
-
[arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent]
Eric Matthews : Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
Victor Melling : How dare you, you cupcake!
-
Victor Melling : Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?
Gracie Hart : Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?
-
Victor Melling : He's with me.
Eric Matthews : I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...
Victor Melling : Come on, muffin!
-
Victor Melling : If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
-
Victor Melling : Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.
-
Victor Melling : Your hair should make a statement.
Gracie Hart : As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!
-
Gracie Hart : My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?
Victor Melling : Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.
-
[Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]
Gracie Hart : Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.
[Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]
Gracie Hart : What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?
Victor Melling : It's for the little baggies under your eyes.
Gracie Hart : Really.
[Vic shakes a can of hairspray]
Gracie Hart : Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.
[Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]
Gracie Hart : What are you doing?
Victor Melling : It stops the suit from riding up.
Gracie Hart : Riding up where?
Victor Melling : Just... up!
Gracie Hart : That is enough!
Victor Melling : Why do you make things difficult for me?
Gracie Hart : Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!
-
[answering her question]
Cheryl "Rhode Island" : In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.
Victor Melling : [as the audience applauds] Terrific answer! DAMMIT!
-
Victor Melling : In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!
Gracie Hart : Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
Victor Melling : Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!
Gracie Hart : You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
-
Kathy Morningside : Oh, oh, Victor, you'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been a while since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?
[Kathy walks off with Gracie]
Victor Melling : One little mistake, and I'm a bloody bellhop!
-
Victor Melling : Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?
Gracie Hart : Because I'm preparing to run away!
-
Gracie Hart : Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?
Victor Melling : Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!
-
Victor Melling : There are no words.
-
Victor Melling : I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot someone.