- Holden: What you need is a date with my two-dimensional lady friend, here. She not only pulls out, she puts out. What do you think Sam? It's the mass of the ass directly proportional to the beauty of the cutie!
- [first lines]
- Sam: Hello, ladies. This is all kind of funny. Really. Actually this whole thing started because of laughter, you know. Laughter, when the smile has an orgasm. And out of one hundred of you women, I can bring ninety nine of you to this climax chuckle. I can. But I can't make the one girl I love smile, like she made me smile on the worst day of my already terrible laughable life. Which is an incredible feat, seeing I've been having horrible days since I was a kid.
- Hope: What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face? "Lie to me. Lie to me".
- Sam: Oh, wow, Hope! Hey!
- Hope: Hello, Sam.
- Sam: Oh, my God. I've been looking for you everywhere. You have no idea. I am so, so sorry I never called. You wrote your number down in my palm and it was pouring raining that night, and it just washed off.
- Hope: It's okay.
- Sam: How are you? You look like someone dropped an ACME safe on your head.
- Sam: Do you know Hope from Six E?
- The Actress: My acting coach told me not to talk to anyone while I'm doing my exercises.
- Annie: I forgot I had that thing on. It's a facial massager. It's supposed to tighten the muscles on my face.
- Tanya: Women are just superior to men.
- Sam: Like how?
- Tanya: Like you can't have babies.
- Sam: Like you can't open jars of peanut butter.
- Tanya: Women mature faster than men.
- Sam: Men are faster getting out of the bathroom in the morning.
- Tanya: All serial killers are men.
- Sam: Almost all cereal box mascots are men.
- Tanya: Women can have multiple orgasms.
- Sam: *We* don't have to fake them.
- Tanya: Women live longer than men.
- Sam: It's the only way we can get away from you.
- Tanya: You can't take anything seriously.
- Sam: You can't take a joke.
- Tanya: I don't need a man for a thing.
- Sam: You just set your beeper on vibrate.
- Holden: Why do you think they call it masturbate? Cause it allows you to be the master of your own fate!
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