- Principal Prickly: I'll let you in on a little secret, Detweiller. Every adult you've ever known was a kid at sometime in his life. You think we don't remember summer vacation? Riding our bikes down the creek. Catching polliwogs in a jar. Camping out under the stars. Well you're wrong! Sometimes I sit there in my office, looking out at you kids in the playground and I think, "They don't know how good they got it. In a few years, they'll be grownups like me and all those good times will be memories for them, too". So go ahead. Put a whoopie-cushion in my chair. Put fake vomit on my carpet. Make fun of my "big, saggy butt". But don't ever say I don't care about summer vacation, 'cause those memories are the last part of childhood I got left.
- Benedict: All those years, I still thought about you. How you embarrassed me! How you humiliated me! How you destroyed my relationship with Muriel Finster, the only woman I ever loved!
- TJ: That part still grosses me out, sir.
- Principal Prickly: Shh.
- Mrs. Finster: I'm stuck! Curse these bodacious hips of mine! Randall, run back to my place and get the butter!
- TJ Detweiler: I never saw Philliam again. He quit teaching, went into politics, eventually became Secretary of Education, until the president fired him for trying to get rid of recess again. Only this time it was nationwide!
- [Principal Prickly and "TJ" are dressed as guards]
- Principal Prickly: You sure this gonna work, Detweiller?
- TJ: Come on, Mr. Prickly. Don't you watch old spy movies? This trick is pure gold. (To guard) Uh, Mr. Benedict wanted to see us about a very important matter.
- Guard: Hey, you two aren't guards!
- TJ: Ruuuun!
- Gretchen: I've been studying the moon with the 200-inch telescope at the observatory, and I've discovered some peculiar eccentricities in it's orbit.
- Counselor: You know, Gretchen, maybe you should try out one of these neat anti-gravity harnesses. The other kids love 'em, and look - you can do backflips, just like real astronauts.
- Gretchen: But...
- [Counselor flips away. Gretchen sighs]
- Gretchen: Why do I bother?
- TJ: [from space suit] Because you're driven by a passionate desire for knowledge.
- [last lines]
- Principal Prickly: But don't forget, come September, you're mine! I haven't forgotten about that "saggy butt" comment!
- TJ: Hey, September is a long way off.
- TJ: How do you know that jerk?
- Principal Prickly: How do I know him? We attended teacher training together.
- TJ: You mean?
- Principal Prickly: That's right, Detweiler, that man is a rogue teacher.
- [flashback]
- Principal Prickly: It was the spring of '68, it was different times back then, all of us young, idealistic, ready to change the world.
- Mrs. Finster: Peace Peter!
- Principal Prickly: Hey Murial, had a groovy time at the Dead festival last night.
- Mrs. Finster: You gonna be at the teach in, Saturday? We're gonna paint my Volkswagen!
- Principal Prickly: Wouldn't miss it for the world!
- [voice over]
- Principal Prickly: Yes, we all thought we were pretty cool back then, but there was one guy who was the coolest of us all. Philliam Benedict was my best friend, and he had just been named Principal of 3rd Street School.
- Mikey Blumberg: [boarding bus for singing camp] Bon voyage T.JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!
- [shatters bus windows]
- Kindergartener: Wow, big kid sing good.
- Benedict: Look, Pete, the 60s are over. All that peace and love and freedom stuff, yeah it was great for picking up chicks, but it's not gonna help my career. To do that, I gotta make test scores go up. And to make test scores go up, I gotta keep kids in class where they belong. That's why tomorrow I am tuning out recess once and for all.
- Principal Prickly: [voiceover] Needless to say Philliam's plan didn't go over like he planned.
- TJ: [on walkie talkie] I don't have time to explain, but I think we figured out what Benedict is up to. He's trying... to get rid of summer vacation!
- Mikey Blumberg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- [after Vince, Ashley, Gretchen, Mikey and the gang are about to leave for the school bus]
- Gus: Well, Teej? There's my transport.
- [to TJ]
- Gus: Hey, why don't you come with? Military camp's gonna be a blast!
- Captain Brad: Griswald, you maggot! Get your fanny over here, NOW!
- TJ: Eh. Thanks, Gus. But, I think I'll stick it out at home this summer.
- Gus: Okay. But, you don't know what you're missing.
- [He runs to him]
- Gus: Hi, Captain Brad.
- Captain Brad: I don't like you, Griswald! I am not your friend! Do I make myself clear?
- Gus: Yes, sir! Not looking for friendship, sir!
- TJ: Good luck, Gus. You're gonna need it.
- [Gus gets on the bus, waving goodbye to him and Captain Brad nabs him]
- TJ: Man, this summer's gonna whomp.
- [Miss Finster throws a grappling hook up into an open window and starts climbing up the side of the school; stops as she notices the rope breaking]
- Miss Finster: Uh-oh.
- [the rope snaps; Miss Finster screams and falls off the wall, landing right on top of Randall]
- Randall Weems: [weakly] Miss Finster, could you please get off of me?
- [Randall's legs stick out from underneath Miss Finster and wiggle weakly]
- [Holding diary out of Becky's reach]
- TJ: Uh uh uh. I got copies. Now either you give me a ride or this baby hits the internet.
- [Becky frowns. Smash cut to Becky driving T.J. to his friends' various camps to the tune of Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild"]
- Ashley: Hey, remember that summer after the second grade when we went down to the pond every day to catch minnows?
- Gretchen: Or how about that summer we all carved our initials in that big tree in the Wilson's backyard?
- Vince: And Spinelli spelled her's wrong.
- Ashley: Hey, I was seven. And "S's" are tricky.
- [Gus begins sobbing]
- Ashley: What's your problem? This is the first summer you've lived here.
- Gus: I know, and I'll never have any of those memories.
- Benedict: Oh, come now, Pete. There's no need to be rude. Not after I've instructed my men to provide you with special care.
- Principal Prickly: Special care? That's what you call gagging me, tying me up, and taking away my pants?
- Newscaster: In other news, the national No Recess movement has hit a serious stumbling block with the disappearance of its leader, former Secretary of State, Philliam Benedict. Benedict, who was fired by the president 2 years ago for his extremist views, has recently been...
- Mr. Detweiler: [shuts off TV] No recess? What a bunch of hogwash!
- Benedict: [in 1968] Pull up a bag, bro, I wanna rap.
- Principal Prickly: Lay it on me, man.
- Benedict: You see, Pete, I've been thinking, we're a new generation of teachers, right? It's time we shook things up a little.
- Principal Prickly: I hear you brother, in fact, dig this. I was meditating to that new Ravi Shankar album last night when I got this righteous notion. WHat if we hold all our classes outside on the playground? Imagine, school, recess, no boundaries.
- Benedict: Hey baby that's a hip idea but Pete I got a better thought here. As my first official act as principal, I've decided to get rid of recess.
- Principal Prickly: What? No recess? But Phil! For a kid, recess is like a major play-in, it's the one time of day they have any freedom.
- Captain Brad: You are a pathetic excuse for a soldier, Griswald! You will never be a leader! Now, stand at attention until I return and do not move a muscle! Do you hear me? NOT A MUSCLE!
- [He walks away from Gus]
- TJ: Mom! Mom!
- Mrs. Detweiler: TJ are you all right?
- TJ: Mom those guys at the school are doing some kind of evil experience!
- Mrs. Detweiler: Oh dear that bog on the head must of rattled your little brain!
- TJ: But mom...
- Mrs. Detweiler: You're feverish. You wait right here. I'll go get the baby thermometer and the jelly.
- Vince: [Whilst looking out a telescope from the treehouse] Infrared night vision, 200-to-1 zoom. I gotta hand it to you, Gretch. You can see the whole school with this thing.
- Gretchen: You can make lots of handy devices out of the spare parts in a family's garage. I once fashioned a particle accelerator out of a broken hair dryer. and a four-slice toaster oven.
- TJ Detweiler: Why, Principal Prickly, sir, what a surprise!
- [cut to Prickly's office; two tablets drop into a glass of water]
- Principal Prickly: Why do you do this to me, Detweiler? Do you *enjoy* tormenting me? Do you hate me?
- TJ Detweiler: On the contrary, sir, I have only the upmost respect for you.
- Principal Prickly: Don't be smart with me, boy! All year long, you've been pushing me, testing me!
- TJ Detweiler: Testing you? I don't know what you mean, sir.
- Principal Prickly: Oh, really? How about the time you convinced the FBI I was a Chinese agent and got me arrested?
- TJ Detweiler: I had to, sir. You were giving us a speech on personal hygiene. You had to be stopped.
- Principal Prickly: Well, how about the time you forged my signature and ordered a motorboat for the school?
- TJ Detweiler: It was for the kindergartens, sir. Owning a boat's always been kind of a dream of theirs.
- Principal Prickly: [furiously] Oh, Detweiler! I've had *enough* of your childish pranks! This time, I'm *really* gonna throw the book at you!
- TJ Detweiler: With all due respect, sir, you better get throwing 'cause you're pretty much out of time.
- Principal Prickly: Huh?
- TJ Detweiler: It's the last day of school, sir. I've only got twenty more seconds of fourth grade left. Look!
- [Prickly looks up at the clock in surprise]
- [TJ and Prickly are locked in a giant birdcage hanging in the basement]
- TJ Detweiler: [shakes the door frantically] Help! Help! Somebody get us out of here!
- Principal Prickly: Calm down, Detweiler. I've got the...
- TJ Detweiler: Calm down? We're locked in a giant birdcage while a madman's out there trying to destroy summer vacation, and you want me to calm down?
- Principal Prickly: I understand, but I...
- TJ Detweiler: How can *you* understand? You're just a grown-up! What do *you* know about summer vacation?
- Principal Prickly: [stands up angrily] I'll let you in on a little secret, Detweiler. Every adult you've ever known was a kid at some time in his life. You think we don't remember summer vacation? Riding bikes down by the creek? Catching pollywogs in a jar? Camping out under the stars? Well, you're wrong!
- [TJ blinks with his mouth hanging open]
- Principal Prickly: Somedays I sit there in my office, looking out at you kids in the playground and I think, "They don't know how good they've got it. In a few years, they're all gonna be grown-ups, like me, and all those good times will just be memories for them too," so go ahead. Put a whoopie cushion on my chair, cover my carpet with fake vomit, make fun of my "fat, saggy butt," but don't you *ever* say I don't care about summer vacation!
- [sadly]
- Principal Prickly: 'Cause those memories are the last part of childhood I got left!
- TJ Detweiler: Principal Prickly, I had no idea.
- Principal Prickly: Yeah? Well, now you do...
- [holds up a set of keys]
- Principal Prickly: ... so let's stop messing around.
- TJ Detweiler: Hey! How'd you get those keys?
- Principal Prickly: [unlocks the door] Swiped 'em off Phillium's desk when he wasn't looking.
- [opens the door]
- Principal Prickly: Now, come on. We've got a summer vacation to save!
- [they jump out of the birdcage]
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: I found a way to prove my theory. I'm gonna get rid of the biggest recess of 'em all! I... am gonna get rid... of summer vacation!
- TJ Detweiler: You fiend!
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: "Fiend"? Eh, you try to help people, that's the thanks you get.
- Principal Prickly: It'll never work, Phil.
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: Well, actually, Pete, that's where you're wrong.
- [a hologram of the Earth and moon]
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: You see, all I have to do is modify the moon's orbit ever so slightly...
- [the moon changes position]
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: ... and tide levels on the Eastern Seaboard rise eight feet. Move the moon over here...
- [the moon changes position again]
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: ... and the currents that warm California suddenly become ice cold. Summer, as we know it, will become a thing of the past. And without summer...
- [the Earth becomes completely covered in ice and snow; TJ and Prickly gasp]
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: No summer vacation.
- TJ Detweiler: You'll never get away with this, Benedict!
- Dr. Phillium Benedict: Oh, yeah? Well, who's gonna stop me?
- Male Singer at Voice Training Program: Me Me Me Me
- Female Singer at Voice Training Program: Me Me Me Me
- Mikey's Singing Voice: Me Me Me... .
- TJ: [whispers into Mikey's ear about the evil plot at school]
- Mikey Blumberg: Me?
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