Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Jon Heder: Napoleon Dynamite

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Don : Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?

  Napoleon Dynamite : I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!

  Don : Did you shoot any?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?

  Don : What kind of gun did you use?

  Napoleon Dynamite : A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?

• Napoleon Dynamite : [referring to Deb's milk]  I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.

• [first lines] 

  Kid on Bus : What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!

• Napoleon Dynamite : [Feeding the llama scoops of casserole over the fence]  Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!

• [Napoleon has snuck tator tots out of the lunch room and is eating them during class out of his pants pocket] 

  Randy : Napoleon, give me some of your tots.

  Napoleon Dynamite : No, go find your own.

  Randy : Come on, give me some of your tots.

  Napoleon Dynamite : No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat *anything* today.

  Randy : [Kicks the pocket with the tots, crushing them] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!

• Napoleon Dynamite : Well, what is there to eat?

  Grandma : Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!

• Deb : What are you drawing?

  Napoleon Dynamite : A liger.

  Deb : What's a liger?

  Napoleon Dynamite : It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Do the chickens have large talons?

  Farmer : Do they have what?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Large talons.

  Farmer : I don't understand a word you just said.

• Teacher : Your current event, Napoleon.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

• [repeated line] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Gosh!

• Napoleon Dynamite : Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.

  Kip : Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes... *all day*. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.

  Kip : Try and hit me, Napoleon.

  Napoleon Dynamite : What?

  Kip : I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

• Napoleon Dynamite : [drinks glass of milk]  The defect in that one is bleach.

  FFA Judge No. 1 : That's right.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yessssssssss.

  Napoleon Dynamite : [drinks second glass of milk]  This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.

  FFA Judge No. 2 : Correct.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yessssssssss.

• Pedro : Do you think people will vote for me?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Heck yes! I'd vote for you.

  Pedro : Like what are my skills?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

• Napoleon Dynamite : I caught you a delicious bass.

• Grandma : How was school?

  Napoleon Dynamite : The worst day of my life, what do you think?

• Napoleon Dynamite : [referring to the dance]  Who are you gonna ask?

  Pedro : That girl over there.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?

  Pedro : Build her a cake or something.

• Trisha : Hi, is Napoleon there?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yes.

  Trisha : Can I talk to him?

  Napoleon Dynamite : You already are.

• Trisha : I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.

  [through gritted teeth] 

  Trisha : It's hanging in my *bedroom*.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.

  Trisha : Yeah... it's really... neat.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Why do you got your hood on like that?

  Pedro : Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.

  Napoleon Dynamite : I know what you mean.

• Kip : So when's grandma coming back?

  Uncle Rico : I don't know. Not sure.

  Napoleon Dynamite : You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.

  Uncle Rico : Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Kip is like 32 years old.

  Kip : I don't mind if you stay.

• Napoleon Dynamite : What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?

  Uncle Rico : Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.

• Napoleon Dynamite : [to Pedro]  Just follow your heart. That's what I do.

• Napoleon Dynamite : What the flip was Grandma doing at the sand dunes?

• Napoleon Dynamite : What kind of bike do you have?

  Pedro : It's a sledgehammer.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?

  Napoleon Dynamite : [Cut to Pedro jumping]  You got like three feet of air that time.

• Napoleon Dynamite : [taunting a bully]  Oh yeah? Who's the only one here who knows secret Ninja moves from the government?

• Randy : Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop.

  Bullied Kid : I don't have any, Randy.

  Randy : C'mon, I'll pay you back.

  Bullied Kid : I don't have...

  [Randy grabs him by the back of the neck and starts yanking up and down on it] 

  Randy : I'll do this to you...

  Bullied Kid : Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't! Ow. Here, here.

  [Randy grabs the money and walks away] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : [Napoleon, who's been watching, walks up to the kid]  How's your neck?

  Bullied Kid : Stings.

  Napoleon Dynamite : That's too bad.

  [Napoleon offers him a boondoggle key-chain] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Pedro offers you his protection.

  [Cut to next scene - the bullied kid is taking his bike off a rack and Randy walks up] 

  Randy : Hey, let me borrow your bike.

  Bullied Kid : No.

  Randy : C'mon, I'll give you some chips.

  Bullied Kid : No!

  [They continue to struggle over the bike] 

  Cholo No. 1 , Cholo #2 : [drive up in their low-rider convertible, that has "Vote 4 Pedro" painted on the door. The driver shakes his head 'no' with a threatening look on his face. Randy gives up and walks away from the kid. The bullied kid smiles] 

• Napoleon Dynamite : You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.

• [Napoleon is watching a dance video] 

  D-Qwon : [excitedly]  Welcome to D-Qwon's dance grooves, are you ready to get your groove on?

  Napoleon Dynamite : [deadpans]  Yes.

  D-Qwon : All right then, let's get started!

• Uncle Rico : So what do you think?

  Kip : It's pretty cool, I guess.

  Uncle Rico : Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.

  Napoleon Dynamite : This is pretty much the worst video ever made.

  Kip : Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.

  Uncle Rico : You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.

  Napoleon Dynamite : You guys are retarded!

• Napoleon Dynamite : [while hitch-hiking]  So are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups?

  Cholo No. 1 : Simón!

  [Mexican slang for "Hell, yeah!"] 

• Uncle Rico : I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.

  Napoleon Dynamite : I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!

  Uncle Rico : I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.

  [pulls a check out of his shirt pocket] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : I could make that much money in five seconds!

  Kip : Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.

  Uncle Rico : Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!

• Kip : [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold]  Ow! Ah geez!

  Napoleon Dynamite : What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' at my girlfriend's house?

  Kip : Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!

  Napoleon Dynamite : Fine!

  [Napoleon releases Kip] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?

  Kip : I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.

  Napoleon Dynamite : I did?

  Kip : Yeah, is it bleeding?

  Napoleon Dynamite : A little bit.

• [last lines] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Lucky.

• [Napoleon answers the door and Deb is standing out there] 

  Deb : Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?

  [holds out a photo] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : [Napoleon takes the photo and looks at it]  This is a girl.

  Deb : [Deb continues nervously]  Because for a limited time only, Glamour Shots by Deb are 75% off.

  Napoleon Dynamite : I already get my hair cut at the Cuttin' Corral.

  Deb : Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-woven handicrafts?

  [Scene continues after Rex Kwon Do TV ad Kip's watching] 

  Deb : ... And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.

  Napoleon Dynamite : I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.

  Pedro : Why?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.

  Pedro : Do you have anything to give to her?

  Napoleon Dynamite : No. Not unless she likes fish.

• [Napoleon rides up to Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding on a horse] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Well, nobody's going to go out with *me*!

  Pedro : Have you asked anybody yet?

  Napoleon Dynamite : No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills.

  Pedro : What do you mean?

  Napoleon Dynamite : You know, like numchuku skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!

  Pedro : Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yes... Probably the best that I know of.

  Pedro : Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out... and give it to her for like a gift or something.

  Napoleon Dynamite : That's a pretty good idea.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?

  Secretary No. 1 : Is there anything wrong?

  Napoleon Dynamite : I don't feel very good.

  [takes telephone and dials number] 

  Kip : [making nachos on the other side of the line]  Hi.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Is grandma there?

  Kip : No, she's getting her hair done.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

  Kip : What do you need?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Can you just go get her for me?

  Kip : I'm really busy right now.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Just tell her to come get me.

  Kip : Why?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Cause I don't feel good!

  Kip : Well, have you talked to the school nurse?

  Napoleon Dynamite : No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?

  Kip : No.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?

  Kip : No, Napoleon.

  Napoleon Dynamite : But my lips hurt real bad!

  Kip : Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.

  Napoleon Dynamite : I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!

  Kip : See ya.

  [Kip hangs up] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Uh! Idiot!

• [Napoleon and Deb are dancing] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : I like your sleeves. They're real big.

  Deb : Thank you. I made them myself.

  Napoleon Dynamite : So are you and Pedro getting really serious now?

  Deb : No. We're just friends.

• Napoleon Dynamite : [Yelling at the llama]  Tina, come get some ham.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.

  Uncle Rico : She didn't tell me anything.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.

  Uncle Rico : I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Get off my property!

  Uncle Rico : It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.

  Uncle Rico : Well then do it! Go on!

  Napoleon Dynamite : Maybe I will, GOSH!

• Pedro : Did you draw her a picture?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Heck yes I did!

• Napoleon Dynamite : Ugh. Kip hasn't done flipping anything today!

• Kip : It's a time machine, Napoleon. We bought it online.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yeah, right.

  Kip : It works, Napoleon. You don't even know.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Have you guys tried it yet?

  Kip : [reluctantly]  No.

• Napoleon Dynamite : [speaking to Pedro and Deb]  Are you guys having a killer time?

  Deb : Yes.

• Napoleon Dynamite : So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?

  Pedro : Yes.

  Napoleon Dynamite : So, you got my back and everything, right?

  Pedro : What?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Never mind.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Well, I have all your equipment in my locker. You should probably come get it cause I can't fit my numchucks in there anymore.

• Pedro : If I win, you can be my secretary or something.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Sweet! Plus I could be your bodyguard, too. Or like, Secret Service Captain, or... whatever...

  [trails off] 

• Napoleon Dynamite : Who are you?

  LaFawnduh : I'm LaFawnduh.

  Napoleon Dynamite : What are you doing here?

  LaFawnduh : I'm waiting for Kip.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Kip?

  LaFawnduh : Why are you so sweaty?

  Napoleon Dynamite : I've been practicing.

  LaFawnduh : Mmmm. Practicing what?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Some dance moves.

  LaFawnduh : You like dancing?

• Napoleon Dynamite : Pedro, how do you feel about that one?

  Pedro : It looks nice.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yeah, it looks pretty sweet. It looks awesome. That suit, it's... it's incredible.

• Pedro : Who was that?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Trisha.

  Pedro : Who's she?

  Napoleon Dynamite : My woman I'm taking to the dance.

  Pedro : Did you draw her a picture?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Heck yes I did.

• Napoleon Dynamite : My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.

  Pedro : Is she *hut*?

  Napoleon Dynamite : See for yourself.

  [hands him Deb's glamour shot sample] 

  Pedro : Wow.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamour shots for her birthday one year.

  Pedro : I like her bangs.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Me too.

• [Napoleon Dynamite straps himself into the time machine] 

  Kip : So are you ready?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.

• Napoleon Dynamite : That one's good. It looks like a medieval warrior.

• Napoleon Dynamite : Hey, is that a new kid or something?

• Napoleon Dynamite : [Napoleon sits down with Pedro at lunch]  Where have you been?

  Pedro : I was *seek*.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Has Summer said anything to you yet?

  Pedro : No, not yet.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Well, she said no.

  Pedro : She did?

  [Pedro thinks a second] 

  Pedro : Well, what about that other girl?

  Napoleon Dynamite : What other girl?

  Pedro : The one that left all that crap on your porch.

  Napoleon Dynamite : You mean Deb?

  Pedro : Yes her.

  Napoleon Dynamite : What about her?

  Pedro : Well, I asked her out too.

  Napoleon Dynamite : What?

• Napoleon Dynamite : This is Pretty much the worst video EVER!

• Napoleon Dynamite : [Napoleon walks up to Trisha's house to ask her out]  Is Trisha here?

  Ilene : Oh, I'm sorry, she's not. She's at a friend's house, right now.

  Uncle Rico : [from inside Trisha's house, hard at work]  Well, hey, Napoleon... Napoleon's m'nephew.

  Ilene : Oh, that's nice.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Could you just give this to her for me?

  [hands Ilene a drawing of Trisha] 

  Ilene : I certainly could.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Thanks.

  [Napoleon leaves] 

  Ilene : Bye-bye.

  [Ilene returns to Uncle Rico on the sofa] 

  Uncle Rico : Poor kid. I've been takin' care of him while his grandma's in the hospital. He still wets the bed and everything.

  Ilene : You're kidding.

  Uncle Rico : Yeah, he's a tender little guy. He still gets beat up and what-not.

  Uncle Rico : Anyway uh... so we still feelin' pretty good about this, uh, 32-piece set, here?

• Napoleon Dynamite : How long did it take you to grow that moustache?

  Pedro : A couple of days.

• Principal Svadean : [speaking to Pedro]  You do understand English? This isn't that complex. Look, the cafeteria is down the hall to the right and downstairs.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Hey, is that a new kid or something?

  Principal Svadean : Napoleon, this is Pedro. Would you mind showing him where his locker is?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yeah, sure.

  [to Pedro] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Come on.

• [last lines before post-credit sequence] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : You wanna play me?

• Pedro : Well, what are you going to wear to the dance?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Just like a silk shirt or something. What are you gonna wear?

  Pedro : Deb has something for me. But you should probably get a suit.

• Corrina : Bueno?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Hello?

  Corrina : Who's this?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Napoleon Dynamite.

  Corrina : Who?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Napoleon Dynamite. I'm one of Pedro's best friends.

  Corrina : Your name is Napoleon?

• Napoleon Dynamite : [Using the time machine, which is an electric probe between his legs]  Ow! Ow! Ow! Kill the pow... It kills! My pack! Ow! Turn it off! Turn it off, Kip!

  [Kip pulls the electrical cord out, and Napoleon yanks off the headband] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : It's a piece of crap it doesn't work!

  Uncle Rico : Well, I could've told you that.

  [Uncle Rico is standing in the hall, leaning over in pain and looking disappointed] 

• Don : Vote for Summer.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Yeah, right, I'm not voting for her.

  Don : Then who you gonna vote for?

  Napoleon Dynamite : I'm voting for Pedro Sanchez, who do you think?

  [Don scoffs and walks away] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : Hey, Don. Can I have one of those buttons?

  [Don hands Napoleon a Vote 4 Summer button] 

  Napoleon Dynamite : [Napoleon tosses it across the hall, stares at Don, and runs away] 

• Deb : It's Deb. And I'm calling to let you know I think you're a shallow friend.

  Napoleon Dynamite : What the heck are you even talking about?

  Deb : Don't lie, Napoleon. Your Uncle Rico made it very clear how you feel about me. I don't need herbal enhancers to feel good about myself. And if you're so concerned about that, why don't you try eating some yourself?

  [Deb hangs up on him] 

  Deb : [Stunned, Napoleon hangs up and goes out to confront Uncle Rico] 

• Napoleon Dynamite : Just tell them that their wildest dreams will come true if they vote for you.

• Worker on Phone : [from a Napoleon Goes to Hollywood promo]  What is it now, Mr. Dynamite?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Do you guys have any killer zoos around here?

  Worker on Phone : Yes. Our Los Angeles zoo is world-famous.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Do they have a liger?

  Worker on Phone : What's a liger?

  Napoleon Dynamite : Well, they're basically the best predators on the planet. They're like a combination of a male lion bred with a female tiger. They weigh like a butt-load but, they have amazing jumping and leaping abilities.

  Worker on Phone : So, the mother's the lion and the father's a tiger?

  Napoleon Dynamite : No you're thinking of the tigon. They're totally stupid and they reek like poo.

  Worker on Phone : I have no idea whether they have a liger, or a tigon.

  Napoleon Dynamite : Really? Ok, bye.

  [hangs up the phone]