Quotes

The World's Fastest Indian

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Tom: Aren't you scared you'll kill yourself if you crash?
Burt Munro: No... You live more in five minutes on a bike like this going flat out than some people live in a lifetime.

Burt Munro: If you don't follow through on your dreams, you might as well be a vegetable.
Tom: [nods earnestly] What type of vegetable?
Burt Munro: Hah, I don't know... a cabbage. Yeah, a cabbage.

Burt Munro: [to Tom] Cheerio, my friend. If you don't go when you want to go, when you do go, you'll find you're gone.

Burt Munro: So what are you doing in Vietnam?
Rusty: Umm, I'm involved in Operation Ranch Hand.
Burt Munro: What's that? Farming or something?
Rusty: Ah no, not exactly. We ah... we just started this program... we are spraying the jungle from the air with herbicides, so the enemy the Vietcong don't have any place to hide. Right... Agent Orange, we call this stuff.

Frank: I see your front tires gone a bit flat on ya there Burt.
Burt Munro: Oh yeah well the good news is its only flat on the bottom.

Burt Munro: [checking luggage] Pills, license, passport. Right, let's see... I've got everything.
[patting down own body]
Burt Munro: Spectacles, testicles, watch and wallet.
[to Tom]
Burt Munro: What are you laughing at? I'm on my way.

Fran: [to a staring crowd] What are you looking at? Dirty old men need love too!

[calling Tom from Utah]
Burt Munro: We did it, Tom. She's the World's Fastest Indian!

Burt Munro: What's your name, young man?
Mike: McFarlane. Mike. Mike McFarlane.
Burt Munro: I knew a McFarlane. He used to sell milking machines in Timaru. You must be related to him because he was a total prick.

Burt Munro: [struggling out of Indian Scout motorbike's streamliner shell] I can't get my leg in because of the asbestos cloth on it. Let me take it off.
Rolly: What about your leg in the heat?
Burt Munro: Screw it. I've got a spare one.

Wendy: Why won't you let him run?
Warren: Hey he's too old and his bike's too old.
Ali: Well I hear he's come halfway around the world to ride that cycle.
Wendy: Yeah, c'mon.
Warren: Wendy, if he was to kill himself.
Wendy: So! It's his life.

Burt Munro: If the butterflies in my stomach were cows, I'd be able to start a dairy farm.

Rusty: But we should have this war done in about 6 months or so, that's what they keep telling us. Can't wait to get my ass out of there, to tell you the truth.
Burt Munro: Yeah, I remember the Great War in 1914. I was about your age. And that's what they kept telling everyone: "Soon be over." 20 million dead and 4 years later, it was still going on.

Rhonda: You English?
Burt Munro: Heavens no, I'm no Pommie. I'm from Invercargill in New Zealand.
Rhonda: Where?
Burt Munro: Invercargill.
[spells out]
Burt Munro: I-N-V-E-R-C-A-R-G-I-L-L. I spell it with one L sometimes to save ink.

[the motorcycle gang comes to see off Burt]
Antarctic Angel: Good luck, mate. Show 'em Kiwis can fly too, eh?
Burt Munro: Right. I'll bring you back the Statue of Liberty!

Warren: Jeez, last leaf springs on a motorcycle had to be in the 1920s.
Burt Munro: Well, she's 42 years old.
Warren: These brakes, they're completely inadequate.
Burt Munro: I'm planning on going, not stopping.

[last lines]
Burt Munro: Nice to be home. Back in my shed...

Burt Munro: Oh yes, ah, you can pee on my lemon tree for me if you like, while I'm away. And ah...
[looks at Tom who is shaking his head vigorously]
Burt Munro: well, there's nothing wrong with peeing on your lemon tree. As Confucius used to say, it's the best natural fertilizer in the world.
Tom: Who's Confucius?
Burt Munro: Oh, he's some bloke who lives up in Dunedin.

Fernando: [exasperatedly] Now Burt, let me give you some advice. When you're driving, not only here in America but anywhere else in the world, the driver should always be in the *centre* of the road. *In the centre*. If you're not in the centre, you're on the wrong side of the road.

Gas Station Attendant: Regular or Ethol?
Burt Munro: Who's Ethol?

Leroy the Cowboy: [pointing to antelope trophy head] You got any of those critters over there?
Burt Munro: Oh yes, much bigger though. Well, we breed them down there on big farms, and cut off their antlers and send them over to Hong Kong. And they grind the antlers into dust, and they eat that stuff. Must be some sort of aphrodisiac or something. Puts lead in your pencil.
Rhonda: You could do with some of that eh, Leroy?
Burt Munro: Your girlfriend?
Leroy the Cowboy: Wife.
Burt Munro: Oh. Oh dear...

Jim Moffett: What are you doing?
Burt Munro: [referring to his KIWI brand of black shoe polish] Well, the soft shoe polish fills in the cracks. Makes the tyres look spick and span, good as new. Cheaper than new ones anyway.
Jim Moffett: I didn't see that.

Tom: How fast did you go?
Burt Munro: Well, mighty fast. In one of my runs, I did over 200 miles an hour.
Tom: Whoa! What would happen if you opened your mouth at that speed?
Burt Munro: Well, you'd blow the backside out of your pants, I reckon.

Burt Munro, Rusty: [reading together from a series of roadside advert billboards] Your shaving brush... Has its day... It won't achieve... The modern way... BURMA SHAVE!
Burt Munro, Rusty: She doesn't kiss ya... Like she used to... Has she seen... Some smoother rooster... BURMA SHAVE!
Burt Munro, Rusty: These signs... We dedicate... To men... Who have... No date of late... BURMA SHAVE!
Burt Munro: Yeah, that's us. Well, you anyway.
[both laugh]

Jake: Burt, what do you want to ride that contraption for?
Burt Munro: 'S a good question. Errrr... I guess the reward is in the err doing of it, you know?

Wendy: Hey Burt, how'd it go?
Burt Munro: Not good.

Tina: And I'm not a girl.
[in lower tone of voice]
Tina: I'm a boy.
Burt Munro: Oh.
[pause, smiles]
Burt Munro: Well, I thought there was something a little odd about you. But ah, hey, you're still a sweetheart.

Cabbie: [impatiently, in folksy Hispanic accent] And the fare is right there on the meter, 29 dollar. Open your wallet and let the moths out.
Burt Munro: I'm doing it, I'm doing it. There you go, 29 dollars.
Cabbie: No, don't forget the tip.
Burt Munro: What?
Cabbie: [sarcastically] Yes, we tip in America. 10 percent.
Burt Munro: How much?
Cabbie: [with more emphasis] 10 percent.
Burt Munro: Oh yeah, there you go, 10 cents.
[hands over a coin and exits cab]

Burt Munro: I tell you, I've had a heck of a night.
[chuckles]
Tina: [rolling eyes] Arggh... Welcome to Hollyweird.

Burt Munro: I thought you blokes would have some magic cure for that sort of thing.
Jake: Well, we have. One old remedy is ground-up dog balls.
Burt Munro: Oh god...
Jake: [wryly] But I prefer prostrate trouble.

Burt Munro: [reading tombstone epitaph] "HE DID HIS LEVEL BEST".

Ada: [after rattlesnake scare at cemetery] Fancy this. You come all this way to bite the dust up at Boot Hill.
Burt Munro: Yeah. That would be a laugh, wouldn't it?

Bystander: [punning on "State of the Art" to describe Burt's 1920 Indian Scout motorbike] Straight out of the Ark.
Burt Munro: Don't be so cheeky.

Jim Moffett: I told you, if it's a time problem, the old guy's welcome to use some of my time.
Mike: It's not a time problem, it's a bike problem.
Jim Moffett: Well, I think we ought to let him run. He came all the way from New Zealand to do this.
Mike: Jim, have you had a good look at his machine?
Jim Moffett: All I know is the man's the genuine article.
Mike: Yeah, but the bike is the genuine dinosaur.
Jim Moffett: Look, we carry the cans for the decisions around here...
Mike: And if he kills himself, and there's about a 100-to-1 that he will, we're gonna have a hell of a lot of trouble on our hands.
Jim Moffett: Yeah, sounds like we're a bunch of chickenshits, if you want my opinion.

Tina: Okay, my good friend from Kiwi land. You stay in touch, won't you?
Burt Munro: I will.
Tina: Here's my phone number. Call me and tell me how you're doing.
Burt Munro: I will.
[cheekily]
Burt Munro: Can I call collect?
Tina: [smiles] You can try.
Burt Munro: It's a good job I think you're a woman.
Tina: I *am* a woman.

[clocking Burt's run]
Earl: [breathless] Two...
Marty: [calls] What is it?
Earl: T... Two-oh-one-point-eight-five-one!
Otto: Mile Eight: 201.851 miles per hour!
[cheering]
Otto: Ladies and gentlemen, a new record! 201.851 miles per hour!
[cheering continues]
Otto: Burt, I-I hope you're gonna stop soon!

Tom: How fast did you go?
Burt Munro: Oh, mighty fast. In one of my runs I did over 200 miles per hour.
Tom: Whoa. What would happen if you opened your mouth at that speed?
Burt Munro: Oh, blow out the back of your pants I reckon.

Tom: Why do you pee on your lemon tree?

Antarctic Angel: I don't think so, granddad!
Burt Munro: Well, why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

[first lines]
Burt Munro: [rolling a distance gauge] 93... 94... 95... 96... 97...

Burt Munro: [walking into town pub] Boy, is it hot out there. I bet the birds fly backwards around here to keep the dust out of their eyes.

Rusty: [gazing at roadside neon-lit billboard of horseless cowboy with hip-slung gun] Look at that. Ooh, that's a cowboy and a half.

Mike: I said, what happened to the tread?
Burt Munro: Well, I cut it off. That's what happened to the tread, I cut it off with a carving knife, otherwise it won't be a high-speed tyre, would it?