- Frankie Ballenbacher: You want a cigarette?
- Zack Mazursky: No, I don't smoke.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Fuck that. It's good for you.
- Jake Mazursky: [after beating up five people] If ANYONE sees Johnny Truelove... tell him that Jake Mazursky was looking for him. Thank you.
- [first lines]
- Sonny Truelove: You wanna know what this is all about? You can say it's about drugs or guns or disaffected youth, or whatever you like. But this whole thing is about parenting. It's about taking care of your children. You take care of yours, I take care of mine.
- Angela Holden: [Sitting bored in bed] You wanna fuck?
- Johnny Truelove: All right.
- [They strip down and begin making out]
- Angela Holden: [pauses] Is something wrong?
- Johnny Truelove: No.
- Angela Holden: No? Your dick's not even hard!
- Johnny Truelove: It's getting there.
- Angela Holden: Getting there? It's like a piece of bubble gum!
- Johnny Truelove: Then do something about it, bitch!
- Johnny Truelove: [She slaps his chest aggressively then disappears beneath the covers, Johnny is extremely distracted, she reappears soon] Sorry.
- Angela Holden: Sorry? Yeah, you're a sorry little bitch who can't even FUCK!
- Johnny Truelove: Hey! Excuse me for being a little distracted, alright? Give me a break, I've got a lot on my mind right now!
- Angela Holden: [derisively] Well, what do you wanna fucking do? You wanna play cards? You wanna cuddle?
- Johnny Truelove: Can't we just...?
- Angela Holden: NO! Fuck that shit, I wanna FUCK!
- Johnny Truelove: Suck my dick, all right?
- Angela Holden: I tried that already; it didn't work, did it?
- [She smirks]
- Zack Mazursky: Frankie, what's going on? Frank? Frankie? Dude.
- [pause]
- Zack Mazursky: Oh, man!
- Elvis Schmidt: [Grabs Zack] All right, you ready? Let's do this!
- Zack Mazursky: OH MAN, PLEASE! I didn't do anything!
- [He starts crying]
- Elvis Schmidt: Move it! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
- Zack Mazursky: I SWEAR TO GOD, PLEASE!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Relax!
- Zack Mazursky: FRANKIE, PLEASE!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Relax, buddy! Relax, okay? It's not what you think, okay?
- Zack Mazursky: YEAH IT IS, FRANKIE! Frankie, I thought we were boys!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: [Frankie starts crying] We ARE boys!
- Zack Mazursky: Frankie, there's nobody up there! Nobody is picking me up!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Yes, there is, okay? Just stop freaking out!
- Zack Mazursky: Frankie, you promise?
- Frankie Ballenbacher: I promise, all right?
- Zack Mazursky: You swear?
- Frankie Ballenbacher: [Frankie continues to break down crying] Zack, everything's cool, on my life, okay, l swear to God! Come on. Okay, I swear to God, alright?
- [Frankie takes Zack's arm and leads him up the hill]
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Let's just walk!
- Zack Mazursky: All right...
- Frankie Ballenbacher: We're just going to take a walk. Come on, man...
- Johnny Truelove: You ever have that dream: the one where you did something... You don't know why, but you can never go back?
- Frankie Ballenbacher: What about me?
- Johnny Truelove: No.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: No, what?
- Johnny Truelove: He stays with you.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: [emphasized] Wha-a-at?
- Johnny Truelove: I said 'all fucking queers are deaf', motherfucker!
- Keith Stratten: Alright, listen, I'm about to roll us the biggest fucking joint anyone has ever seen. Are you down for that, Zack?
- Zack Mazursky: Absolutely.
- Juergen Ballenbacher: There's coffee but Destiny got up late so I need you to straighten up the house.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: How am I supposed to clean up after your party?
- Juergen Ballenbacher: 'Cause I'm hungover like a bitch! Don't argue with me, I'm in no mood. Look, I come home here yesterday and your shit's all over the house!
- [Frankie flips him off]
- Juergen Ballenbacher: We had a deal, remember? You get a job, you pay rent, or you work here...
- Frankie Ballenbacher: All right, FUCK! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
- Juergen Ballenbacher: Nice fuckin' mouth!
- [Walks out]
- Frankie Ballenbacher: [to Zack] Fucking dick!
- Zack Mazursky: Hey. Don't worry about it, I'll help you with the work.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: [after Elvis shows up to the motel with a gun, revealing the plan to murder Zack] Fuck that. Johnny didn't tell me shit!
- Elvis Schmidt: The decision's been made.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Fuck you.
- Elvis Schmidt: [Elvis suddenly grabs Frankie and aggressively attacks him] FUCK ME? FUCK YOU! JOHNNY SENT ME HERE TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING AND I'M GUNNA FUCKIN' DO IT, WITH YOU, OR THROUGH YOU!
- [Elvis keeps his grip on Frankie and smirks]
- Elvis Schmidt: Who's sucking whose cock now, huh, Frankie?
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Fuck that, I'm out!
- Elvis Schmidt: [Elvis attacks Frankie again] FUCK THAT, YOU'RE FUCKIN' IN! I'M UP HERE TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, AND YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING HELP ME, OR THE WHOLE WORLD IS GONNA COME DOWN ON YOUR HEAD!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: ALL RIGHT! Fucking let go of me!
- [Frankie straightens up]
- Frankie Ballenbacher: What the fuck do you want me to do?
- Sonny Truelove: You've fucked up your life so bad! And the only way you're gonna UNFUCK it, is that you come clean now, Johnny, YOU COME CLEAN NOW!
- Tiffany Hartunian: I thought you were spending the night out.
- Susan Hartunian: I was. I just... I really needed to talk.
- Tiffany Hartunian: Talk? What, now?
- Susan Hartunian: Kind of.
- Tiffany Hartunian: One night. I ask for one night out of the whole fucking year to make love to your father and you won't even give that to me?
- Susan Hartunian: Mom...
- Tiffany Hartunian: I'm X-ing right now. I can't understand anything you're saying.
- Susan Hartunian: I'm sorry, Mom, OK?
- Tiffany Hartunian: Fuck!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: First you yell at me, and now you're giving me the tears. You know what, Susan? Do me a favor and go have a fucking period.
- Olivia Mazursky: They said there's a reason for everything. Well if God's got a purpose for me, he better get the fuck down and show me, cause I don't see it!
- Angela Holden: So you're like... ransom.
- Julie Beckley: That's hot.
- Zack Mazursky: It's okay. Its like another story to tell my grandchildren
- Julie Beckley: Stolen boy.
- Susan Hartunian: This kid has been kidnapped!
- Sabrina Pope: Dude, that's so fucking cool.
- Susan Hartunian: Dude, this shirt is fucking cool, Bob Marley is cool, you guys think that kidnapping is cool?
- Jake Mazursky: [after returning Zack home drunk] Hey, you wanted him, you got him!
- Butch Mazursky: You're a real son of a bitch! You know that?
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Jesus, first you give me mouth, now you're giving me fucking tears. Do me a favor Susan, have a period or something.
- Jake Mazursky: [on the phone with Johnny Truelove] No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'm gonna hunt you down. I'm gonna hunt you down and then I'm gonna slit your throat and then I'm gonna cut you open and then I'M GONNA EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEART! YOU BETTER PRAY, JOHNNY YOU BETTER FUCKING PRAY THAT THE COPS FIND YOU BEFORE I DO! GET ON YOUR COCKSUCKING KNEES AND PRAY!
- [pause]
- Jake Mazursky: HELLO? HELLO!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: I got it under control. Say it, "You, Frankie, have got it under control." Say it!
- Susan Hartunian: You, Frankie, have it under control.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Right now, say "I, Susan, am a whiny fucking bitch and you, Frankie, have it under control!"
- Susan Hartunian: I, Susan, am a whiny fucking bitch and you Frankie, have it under control!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Worst comes to worst I tell everybody to go fuck themselves, put 50 bucks in the kid's pocket, and stick him on a bus!
- Cosmo Gadabeeti: [grabs onto Johnny Truelove] Hey, look at this kid. How handsome he is. Look at this! You must be knocking them dead. You knocking them dead?
- Johnny Truelove: No. Let go of me.
- Cosmo Gadabeeti: So what are you doing tonight? You chasing tail?
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Where is that motherfucker?
- Johnny Truelove: Who the fuck knows? I don't know! He's probably laying low waiting to shoot me in the fucking head! I mean, think about it, that's what I'd be doing.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Stop already, alright? You know how I get with this anxiety shit!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Juergen's a botanist. He grows everything we need right here; tomatoes, cucumbers, corn... fucking spices and shit. Motherfucker's a full-blown alcoholic, smokes like a chimney but GOD DAMN if we don't eat healthy, right? Oh yeah, look at this shit right here.
- [Frankie points to the budding marijuana plants]
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Daddy's pride and joy! Of course, that greedy bastard will smoke 'em all, but it's Frankie's job to take care of them; water 'em, pull the nails, throw some eggshells on them every now and then. Yeah, right?
- [to Zack]
- Frankie Ballenbacher: Well, fuck it, let's get to work!
- Frankie Ballenbacher: You're a faggot dude. 100%. Don't talk to me anymore okay. I fuck bitches. You're a homo.
- Zack Mazursky: Marco!
- Julie Beckley: Polo!
- Zack Mazursky: Marco!
- Julie Beckley: [breathily] Polo!
- [they kiss]
- [last lines]
- Cosmo Gadabeeti: I'm telling you, he's lost.
- Sonny Truelove: I think he's right. I mean, I ain't seen him. He ain't here. He must be lost. Now get the fuck out of my house.
- Frankie Ballenbacher: [to Johnny] Let's just grease the kid. That it's taken care of and we're not running around here like a bunch of fuckin' Chinamen!
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