- Tourneur: [referring to a mutated Grant] He looks likes something that fell off my dick during the war.
- Kylie Strutemyer: What are we gonna do now?
- Bill Pardy: Probably turn into a couple of these fucked-up things.
- Kylie Strutemyer: That's kinda negative.
- Bill Pardy: Well, it's been that sorta day.
- Jack MacReady: [Jack & Bill are discussing what caused Grant's transformation] It's obvious the bastard's got Lyme disease!
- Bill Pardy: What?
- Jack MacReady: Lyme disease. You touch some deer feces, and then you... eat a sandwich without washin' your hands. You got your Lyme disease!
- Bill Pardy: And that makes you look like a squid?
- Jack MacReady: Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?
- Bill Pardy: [sarcastic] *Jesus Christ*, Jack, let me get right on it!
- Bill Pardy: Two nights ago, a mare was stolen from this property owned by Fitzgibbon, that rancher with the cleft palate.
- Wally: [mutters to Margaret] I know that guy, he looks like a chipmunk.
- Bill Pardy: Your momma wasn't too proud when you came out neither, Wally.
- Jack MacReady: [panicked] We need to find this Grant, and I mean yesterday. Town council's lit a Roman Candle, stuck it up my ass.
- Bill Pardy: Jack, your leisure activities ain't my business.
- Jack MacReady: [to Margaret] Praise Jesus? That's fucking pushing it! This shit's about as far from god as shit can get! Either of you ever seen anything like that? You even heard of anything like that? Huh? Me neither... and I watch Animal Planet all the fucking time!
- Wally: [referring to his crush on Starla] I'm surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long.
- Bill Pardy: Oh, that reminds me. There's something I wanted to tell you.
- Wally: What's that?
- Bill Pardy: Fuck you, fatass.
- Jack MacReady: [wiping off his mouth] Tried to get in my mouth. What kinda thing want you to eat it?
- Bill Pardy: Thank you for saving my ass back there.
- Kylie Strutemyer: You're welcome.
- Bill Pardy: Of course, when I tell that story, it's gonna be the other way around.
- Bill Pardy: [In pain] What was that? That really hurt.
- Kylie Strutemyer: [Pulls the tubule out of his stomach] You need both of them things in you to get all womby.
- Bill Pardy: Oh, that's... awesome!
- Jack MacReady: [referring to Grant] He's a goddamn Martian?
- Bill Pardy: Martians is from Mars, Jack.
- Jack MacReady: [through gritted teeth] Or it's a general term meaning 'outer-space fucker'.
- Bill Pardy: No it isn't!
- Jack MacReady: Look it up, cocksucker!
- Starla Grant: Enough!
- Bill Pardy: [holds up a toy squid from his desk] What's this?
- Trevor: I thought we could use that like a police sketch, Chief. You know, take it door to door, see if anybody recognizes it.
- Bill Pardy: [to fellow cops] Alright folks, let's go.
- [Mocking Jack]
- Bill Pardy: Don't forget your guns; We don't want any lyme disease popping out at us.
- Jack MacReady: [Sarcastic] Oh, ho ho ho. Ha ha, fuckin' ha!
- Bill Pardy: Hey Kylie, why don't you tell Ms. Grant that story 'bout how I saved you from that deer?
- Kylie Strutemyer: Oh yeah. Bill saved me from a deer.
- Starla Grant: Oh yeah?
- Jack MacReady: [Jack staggers towards Bill, with alien growths on his face] Bill! Shoot me!
- [Bill shoots Jack in the head, without hesitation]
- Starla Grant: [to a deformed Grant] I'm gonna stay by you... just like I swore I would. For better or worse.
- Bill Pardy: [Under his breath] What's fucking worse?
- Butcher: [Grant Grant is eyeballing a display counter filled with raw meat] Howdy, Mr. Grant.
- Grant Grant: Oh, hey there, Killer.
- Butcher: What can I do you for?
- Grant Grant: Gimme a couple of your ribeyes.
- Butcher: How many you need?
- Grant Grant: Eight. Naw... ten. Uhm, no, no. You know what? Gimme fourteen.
- Butcher: Having a party?
- Grant Grant: Yeah, something like that. It's a... little surprise for the wife.
- Trevor: [Bill, Margaret and Trevor spot Grant and Starla getting into a car] That's one match I'll never get.
- Margaret: [zipping Gina Kid's jacket up] Ain't no mystery. Starla was raised in them shanties off St. Luke, dirt poor. All she ever wanted was to be a lady. Ol' Grant Grant, he's always been made of green.
- Trevor: Gold digger, huh?
- Bill Pardy: Oh, hell, Margaret! Starla's mother left her, her daddy's a drunk, she was 17 years old. Ol' Grant pulls up in a big ol' Cadillac, house on the hill, and college tuition? What would you do?
- Margaret: [Lifting a handkerchief to Gina Kid's nose] Blow.
- Bill Pardy: Hell, if he had a 'gina, you'd'a married him, too.
- Gina Kid: What's a 'gina'?
- Bill Pardy: [after an awkward pause] It's a country. You know, where 'Ginese' people come from. Learn to eavesdrop better.
- Jack MacReady: [referring to the worms] If this shit is contagious and I turn into a fucking mollusk or something, I'm gonna sue those bastards!
- [to Margaret]
- Jack MacReady: And you can sue right along side of me. I don't care if you're a lesbo, you don't deserve this shit!
- Shelby: [Speaking to Bill, over the car radio] Your momma called. She said the toilet's all backed up again, wants you to come over as soon as you're finished there... She said it's what you done in there on Sunday caused the backup.
- [Starla looks at Bill empathetically, who hastily glances at her out of the corner of his eye, embarrassed]
- Starla Grant: [Starla & Bill look around at the dead bodies covering Starla's front lawn] Bet you regret not running off to Hollywood with me now, eh, Bill?
- Bill Pardy: Ah hell, Starla. I always regretted that.
- Starla Grant: [Speaking from trailer] Baby, what happened to your face?
- Grant Grant: It's just a bee sting.
- Brenda Gutierrez: [Brenda's become giant-sized - her body's nothing more than a pregnant 'womb' for whatever-it-is that's inside of her stomach] Something's wrong with me.
- Bill Pardy: [Bill, Starla, Jack, and Kylie remain silent in the car after narrowly escaping a pack of zombies] So... how's everybody's evening? Good?
- Charlie: [to a mutated Grant] Now, I don't care what kind of leprosy you got. We need to find that girl. Now, you can make this peaceful, or you can make it hard.
- Starla Grant: [as Bill goes out where the worms are] Be careful.
- Bill Pardy: Yeah, there's a thought.
- Woman in Basement: [MacReady has just found several breeders gorging themselves on animal carcasses in Grant's basement] Don't you look at me like that. Don't you judge me. You've got no idea what it's like to be this hungry! I just ate a pig and I still want more! Damn Republican. We ought to run all you Republicans out of town!
- Bill Pardy: [Looking at the disemboweled dog] I reckon Grant ain't got one of them puppy calendars on his desk. Just don't strike me as a real dog lover is all.
- Trevor: Hey!
- [holds up the decapitated head of a dog]
- Trevor: Look. Knocked this one's head clear on over here.
- Wally: Put that down, numbnuts!
- Jack MacReady: [seeing all the firearms in the room] I didn't know the Ruskies were invadin'.
- Margaret: You'd seen this guy, you'da wished they was.
- [Kylie's parents, as well as Emily & Jenna, all infected by the alien slugs and under Grant's hive mind, violently attempts to break inside the family's Chevy pick-up truck to force Kylie into one of Grant's "puppets"]
- Mr. Strutemyer: [shaking up the truck] Grant's gonna show you a good time, honey.
- Mrs. Strutemyer: [yells] Open this door!
- Jenna Strutemyer: [yells] Get OUT!
- Mrs. Strutemyer: [banging on the side window; screaming] Open this door, you LITTLE WHORE! Don't mess with me, you little slut!
- Jenna Strutemyer: [sing-songly] Kylie... this is your last chance...
- Mrs. Strutemyer: [yells] Open this door NOW!
- [Otis grabs a big rock, which frightens an already horrified Kylie]
- Jenna Strutemyer: Come on, you little brat!
- Kylie Strutemyer: [screams] AAH!
- [Otis repeatedly smashes the front window of the truck]
- Mrs. Strutemyer: Little bitch!
- [Sheriff Bill Pardy arrives at the Strutemyer home to witness what has transpired]
- Bill Pardy: Hey!
- [the infected Strutemyers sans Kylie all stop the attack. Kylie, sobbing, escapes the battered truck and runs over to Bill]
- Bill Pardy: What's going on? What the hell you doing?
- [to Kylie, sobbing]
- Bill Pardy: Hey, hey, easy, easy, easy.
- [then to Otis]
- Bill Pardy: What the hell happened to you, Otis?
- Mr. Strutemyer: [looks at his arm] Poison Ivy out back, maybe.
- Emily Strutemyer, Jenna Strutemyer: [together] We're itchy.
- Kylie Strutemyer: [to Bill] No, they're not my parents. They're trying to trick you.
- Bill Pardy: Shh! Shh. Hey...
- Kylie Strutemyer: The worms are in their brains!
- [the infected family walks towards Bill and Kylie]
- Bill Pardy: All right, look. I- Y'all stay right there on the spot. I'm gonna call the paramedics to come help you and, uh, Kylie's gonna come with me.
- Jack MacReady: [Mayor Jack, Starla, and Kylie, are moving the bodies of the two deputies, out of the barn - thinking since they're still breathing, they'll be okay] You know what this is? It's god damn biological weapons, That's what it is! Government's testing 'em on Wheelsy You know why? Cause I don't take no shit form nobody at those state hearings! They want to bukkake Jack McCreedy.? They can kiss my ass! if this shit's contagious and I turn into a fucking mollusk, l'm gonna sew those bastards, I swear to god., and you can sue right along side of me - I don't care if you're a lesbo.