[BBC executive Tony Hayers has told Alan that he won't give him another series of his chat show but he'll still be open to any other ideas in future, so Alan immediately seizes the opportunity to pitch ideas for programs]
Alan Partridge: [opening a file] Right, OK - Shoestring, Taggart, Spender, Bergerac, Morse. What does that say to you about regional detective series?
Tony Hayers: There's too many of them?
Alan Partridge: That's one way of looking at it, another way of looking at it is, people like them, let's make some more of them. A detective series based in Norwich called "Swallow". Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. He's not a criminal, you know, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly.
[Tony Hayers shakes his head]
Alan Partridge: Think about it. No one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. This will put Norwich on the map.
Tony Hayers: Why would I want to do that?
Alan Partridge: Yep, fair point. OK, right - "Alan Attack!". Like The Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach.
Tony Hayers: No.
Alan Partridge: "Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave".
Tony Hayers: I don't think so.
Alan Partridge: Pity, because they were very keen on that one. Right, now you'll like this... "Knowing M.E., Knowing You". I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform. You've got to keep the energy up, because... You don't like it? That's alright, that's OK...
Tony Hayers: [is clearly disturbed by this idea] No.
Alan Partridge: "Inner-City Sumo".
Tony Hayers: What's that?
Alan Partridge: We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.
Tony Hayers: [smirks] No, no, it's a bad idea.
Alan Partridge: Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park.
Tony Hayers: [laughing] No!
Alan Partridge: If you don't do it, Sky will.
Tony Hayers: Well, I'll live with that. Is that it?
Alan Partridge: Well, no, no, um... "Cooking in Prison".
Tony Hayers: [laughs] Oh, no.
Alan Partridge: Uh, uh... "A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons".
Tony Hayers: What's that?
Alan Partridge: Well, it's just a title, I mean, erm... well, no, er-er-er... Opening sequence: Me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going "Oh God!"
Tony Hayers: [laughing] No, I'm sorry, no! Stop!
Alan Partridge: Erm, erm... Youth Hosteling with... Chris Eubank.
Tony Hayers: [laughs] No!
[Alan desperately tries to think of something else]
Alan Partridge: Monkey Tennis?