- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Might we ask for your name, madam?
- Susan Murphy: Susan.
- B.O.B.: No, we mean like your monster name. You know, what do people scream when they see you coming? Like "Look out! Here comes...?"
- Susan Murphy: Susan.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Really?
- B.O.B.: [spookily] SUUUUSSAAANN! Ooh, I just scared myself! That is scary!
- The President of the United States: Hang it all! What's the point? It's a disaster.
- [he goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it"]
- Advisor Cole: That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
- The President of the United States: Well, then which button gets me a latte?
- Advisor Wedgie: Uuh, that would be the other one, sir.
- [camera pans to an identical button next to the first one. The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
- The President of the United States: What idiot designed this thing?
- Wilson: You did, sir.
- The President of the United States: Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
- Wilson: Yes, sir, Mr. President.
- Gallaxhar: Humans of Earth, I come in peace. You need not fear me, I mean you no harm. However, it is important to note that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours. The few of you that do survive will be enslaved and experimented upon. You should, in no way, take any of this personally. It's just business. So to recap, I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die. Gallaxhar out.
- General W.R. Monger: [presenting a slide show about his monsters] Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus.
- [a woman screams, dropping her tray with china]
- General W.R. Monger: Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350 foot tall monster, that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link.
- [Ronson screams and drops her tray again]
- General W.R. Monger: A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man, who was thawed out by scientists. He escaped, and went on a rampage at his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD., the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine, that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect.
- [Ronson screams again, cracking china]
- General W.R. Monger: Now, we call this thing B.O.B.
- [Ronson screams again, cracking china]
- General W.R. Monger: WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?
- [off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away, cracking china]
- General W.R. Monger: Thank you! A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness, and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass. And our latest addition: Ginormica.
- [another scream, the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
- The President of the United States: [clears his throat] General, continue.
- B.O.B.: Goodbye, Derek! Good luck getting over me.
- Susan Murphy: Uh, B.O.B.? It's me he's never gonna get over.
- B.O.B.: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, wait, wait. You were dating Derek too? That two-timing jerk!
- The President of the United States: Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [about B.O.B] Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.
- B.O.B.: Turns out, you don't need one. Totally overrated! As a matter of fact, I don't even...
- [starts gasping for air]
- B.O.B.: I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe! Help me, Doctor Cockroach! Help! Help!
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Suck in, B.O.B.
- B.O.B.: [breathes normally] Thanks, Doc. You're a life saver.
- [Susan wakes up on board Gallaxhar's spaceship in a containment cell]
- Gallaxhar: [enters on a personal hovercraft] You must be terrified. You wake up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes, imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device. Strange, isn't it?
- Susan Murphy: Hardly. It's not the first time.
- Gallaxhar: [deflated] Wow. You really get around.
- The Missing Link: [about Susan] She's speechless!
- B.O.B.: She?
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Yes. We are in the prescence of the rare female monster.
- B.O.B.: No way! It's a boy; look at his boobies!
- The Missing Link: We need to have a talk.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: [building an atom bomb out of a plastic toy] Ah, Susan. You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you? Just need a smidge.
- General W.R. Monger: [on walkie-talkie] Rescind Dr. Cockroach's toybox privileges, immediately.
- The Missing Link: Anyway, how, er, how was Derek?
- [Susan sighs]
- Susan Murphy: Derek is a selfish jerk.
- B.O.B.: No!
- Susan Murphy: Yes. All that talk about "us" - "I'm so proud of us", "Us just got a job in Fresno". There's no "us". There was only Derek. Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot!
- [she kicks the roof of the gas station, sending B.O.B. flying]
- Susan Murphy: Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway? I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him. Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him. And that was amazing! Meeting you guys? Amazing. Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls and build a super-computer out of a pizza box, two cans of hairspray and...
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: And a paper clip.
- Susan Murphy: Amazing! And you - you hardly need an introduction; you're the Missing Link! You personally carried 250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach, and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.
- The Missing Link: And the Coast Guard. And also the Life Guard.
- Susan Murphy: Amazing!
- [B.O.B. lands]
- Susan Murphy: B.O.B., who else could fall from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?
- B.O.B.: Link?
- Susan Murphy: Y-you.
- B.O.B.: Amazing!
- [Insectosaurus roars]
- The Missing Link: Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.
- Susan Murphy: Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself.
- [stands at full height]
- Susan Murphy: Ever again!
- The President of the United States: Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!
- [sips coffee]
- The President of the United States: That is a good cup of Joe.
- B.O.B.: Wow! Would you look at the size of that...
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Foot!
- [Cockroach and Link jump out of the way, as the robot steps on B.O.B]
- B.O.B.: [from the sole of the robot's foot, as it's walking] I got him you guys! I go...
- [robot takes a step]
- B.O.B.: Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him dow...
- [robot takes a step]
- B.O.B.: Please tell me he's slowing down!
- [robot takes a step]
- The Missing Link: Halt! I, Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.
- Gallaxhar clone: Clearly you are defective beyond repair. Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!
- [pause]
- Gallaxhar clone: Well, what're you waiting for? You, and you!
- [points at B.O.B and Dr. Cockroach]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Seriously?
- Gallaxhar clone: Yes. Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Uh, of course, sir.
- Gallaxhar clone: And here's a security pass, just in case.
- [he offers a laser gun to B.O.B]
- Gallaxhar clone: Would you like a gun?
- B.O.B.: Yes, I would. Hey, guys, look.
- [gun goes off and hits clone]
- The Missing Link: Okay...
- Computer: Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.
- Susan Murphy: We can't hold them off much longer!
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in... dance!
- The Missing Link: [while outside for the first time in 50 years] It a little hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer? It would be great to know that... that would be a very convenient truth.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Susan Murphy: Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh while I'm hooked up to this machine.
- [Insectosaurus roars]
- The Missing Link: You're right, Insecto. You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist. There's a difference.
- Susan Murphy: Guys, what choice do I have? If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight, I can get out of here, get back to the life I'm supposed to have. I mean, I should be in...
- The Missing Link: Let me guess, Fresno?
- Susan Murphy: Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee, and then New York and then some day hopefully...
- The Missing Link: Yeah, we know. Paris.
- Susan Murphy: Throw the switch, Doctor. But-but don't do the laugh.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain. Mwa-ha-ha... Sorry.
- [he turns on the machine; Susan is shocked with electricity until she passes out. When she comes to, the others are standing over her]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Susan! Yoo-hoo!
- Susan Murphy: Am I small again?
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: I'm afraid not, my dear.
- [Susan sits up, her hair standing on end]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.
- Derek Dietl: Wow. You're glowing.
- Susan Murphy: Thank you.
- Derek Dietl: No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!
- General W.R. Monger: Don't think of this as a prison. Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside.
- The President of the United States: So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!
- [Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
- The President of the United States: Evidently they eat lead.
- Secret Service Man #2: Get him on the chopper!
- The President of the United States: I'm brave! I am a brave president!
- The Missing Link: No monster has ever gotten out of here.
- B.O.B.: That's not true! The invisible man did.
- The Missing Link: No he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: He died of a heart attack twenty-five years ago.
- B.O.B.: Nooo!
- The Missing Link: Yeah. In that very chair.
- [motions towards an empty chair]
- The Missing Link: He's still there.
- Susan Murphy: I can't believe it! Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms... or... he'll be in mine.
- The Missing Link: Ahh I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach just... freakin' everybody out.
- B.O.B.: And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: No no, that's me, B.O.B.
- B.O.B.: Then I'll be a really giant lady.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: That's Susan, B.O.B.
- B.O.B.: Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.
- The Missing Link: Yeah, that's still Susan B.O.B.
- B.O.B.: I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek!
- Susan Murphy: It's okay. They're with me. These are my new friends.
- B.O.B.: [grabs Susan's mom, Wendy] Oh, Derek! I missed you so much! Thinking that we'd someday be together again. It's the only thing that got me through prison. I love you! I love this man!
- [he hugs Wendy so hard he absorbs her into his body]
- Susan Murphy: No, B.O.B.! That's my mother! You're suffocating her!
- [B.O.B spits her out]
- Carl Murphy: Honey, are you all right?
- Wendy Murphy: I taste ham.
- Susan Murphy: Sorry Mom. He's just a hugger.
- The Missing Link: [as the ship is about to explode] It's been an honor knowing you, Doc.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: The feeling's mutual, my friend.
- B.O.B.: I'll see you guys tomorrow, for lunch.
- The Missing Link: That's right, B.O.B.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: There'll be candy, cake; balloons.
- B.O.B.: Cake and balloons for lunch? It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!
- General W.R. Monger: We, er, had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell, try to keep you all calm like.
- [the cell has a small "Hang in there" poster with a kitten on]
- Susan Murphy: [on the verge of tears] But I don't want a poster. I want a real kitten, hanging from a real tree. I want to go home.
- General W.R. Monger: Oh. come on, little Debbie, please don't cry, it makes my knees hurt.
- General W.R. Monger: This place is an X-file, wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.
- Susan Murphy: [Fighting the robot] B.O.B.!
- B.O.B.: What?
- Susan Murphy: Help me!
- B.O.B.: Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.
- [B.O.B. picks up a three from a deck of cards, Insectosaurus is standing behind B.O.B]
- The Missing Link: Do you have any...
- [Insectosaurus stomps three times]
- The Missing Link: Threes?
- B.O.B.: Yes! I do! How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know!
- The Missing Link: Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it.
- Wendy Murphy: Susan, where have you been?
- Susan Murphy: I think I just got hit by a meteorite.
- Wendy Murphy: Oh, Susan. Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.
- B.O.B.: [to a green jello] Hi. I'm benzoate ostylezene bicarbonate. Or you can call me B.O.B, whichever is easier. Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry. I'm a little rusty. I mean, I've be... I've been in prison my whole life. Why'd I mention prison?
- [he slams his fist on the table, causing jello to shake]
- B.O.B.: Oh, I didn't mean to scare you. Uh, I'm just gonna go. Ugh, I feel so stupid.
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz? It's got quite a...
- [drink explodes]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: ...kick.
- The Missing Link: You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's ever getting out.
- General W.R. Monger: Good news, monsters! You're getting out!
- The Missing Link: Until today.
- [first lines]
- Technician Ben: Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out. Palomar just picked it up. Looks like some type of UFO, and it's heading this way.
- Technician Jerry: How many times do I have to tell you this? UFOs don't exist. And we're never gonna see...
- [sees computer, heads to monitors]
- Technician Ben: Wow, it's energy signature is massive.
- Technician Jerry: [panicking] Holy Cheez-its! What do we do? No one ever told us what to do! The only reason I took the job is 'cause you never have to do anything!
- Technician Ben: Jerry, stop it! We calculate its impact point. Looks like... Modesto, California.
- Technician Jerry: [on phone] Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one. Code Nimoy. I repeat, Code Nimoy!
- [B.O.B. is stuck to the sole of a robot; it passes by a hot dog cart]
- B.O.B.: Hot dogs!
- [grabs the hot dog cart; is about to eat it when the robot takes a step]
- Dr. Cockroach Ph.D.: Wow, what a shindig. Your parents really know how to throw it down.
- The Missing Link: What? No, that was a great party, one of the best I've even been to since I got out of prison.
- B.O.B.: I must have been at a different party, 'cause that's not how I interpreted it at all. I don't think your parents like me, and I think that jello gave me a fake phone number.
- [as Susan is growing, everyone is running away]
- Susan Murphy: Wait. Wait, everybody. It's OK. Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.
- Susan Murphy: Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right? Not one of those half person, half machine, whatever you call those things?
- General W.R. Monger: A cyborg?
- Susan Murphy: Oh, no! You're a cyborg!
- Susan Murphy: But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person. I'm not a danger to anyone or anything!
- [accidentally hits a helicopter with her hand, causing it to crash]
- Helicopter Pilot: Don't let her get me!
- Susan Murphy: Sorry.
- Susan Murphy: Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot, I would've said "no can do". But I did it! Me! I'm still buzzing, I mean... Did you see how strong I was? There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.
- The Missing Link: Don't scare Insectosaurus! He's gonna pee himself, and then we'll all be in trouble.
- General W.R. Monger: Woo-whee! Now, that's a robot!
- Susan Murphy: It's huge.
- General W.R. Monger: Try not to damage it too much, monsters. I might want to bring it back to the farm.
- Susan Murphy: No, no, no, no, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!
- General W.R. Monger: I'm not gonna kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times. The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass! We need raw power! We need... monsters!
- Wendy Murphy: Oh, Susan. Ever since you were a baby, I knew that, someday, you would, you know, save the Earth from an invasion from outer space.