- Announcer: Miss Piggy Sues The National Enquirer will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following ugly rumor.
- Christine McGlade: I just don't understand it.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: What's wrong, Moose?
- Christine McGlade: Well, the nameplate is gone from my dressing room door.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, so what? The cleaners probably took it to polish the brass. They do mine all the time.
- Christine McGlade: I don't have a brass nameplate.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Too bad. They really look nice.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, you know what they say about when they take your name and star off your door and change the locks.
- Christine McGlade: What do they say?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: They say "Be nice to people on the way up," Moose, 'cause you never know who you're gonna meet on the way down. Have you been nice on the way up?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Sir, is there any truth to the rumor that you'll be leaving the school permanently as of tomorrow?
- Lisa Ruddy: Really?
- Lisa Ruddy, Luke McKeehan, Christine McGlade, Klea Scott: YEAH! WOO!
- Mr. Schidtler: Hold it! Let me firmly and categorically deny that rumor. There is no truth in it.
- Lisa Ruddy: See, he doesn't know. That means it must be true.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Yeah! Yeah!
- Lisa Ruddy, Luke McKeehan, Christine McGlade, Klea Scott: YEAH! WOO!
- Mr. Schidtler: For the last time - I'm not leaving.
- Kevin Kubusheskie, Lisa Ruddy, Luke McKeehan, Christine McGlade, Klea Scott: [very disappointed] Ohhhh...
- Mr. Schidtler: By the way, Kevin.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: What?
- Mr. Schidtler: Where did that, uh, nasty rumor start?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Just now when I asked you, sir.
- Lisa Ruddy: [about Christine] Just the other day, she came up to me and told me that Brodie's hair wasn't naturally curly.
- El Capitano: Ready! Aim!
- Luke McKeehan: [singsongy] I bet it's true.
- El Capitano: Eh? What? What's true?
- Luke McKeehan: Oh, what all the other firing squad's been saying.
- El Capitano: And what have they been saying?
- Luke McKeehan: Well, that you guys are the worst firing squad in the whole gente. That you haven't managed to kill a kid yet.
- El Capitano: Oh, no.
- Luke McKeehan: Si.
- El Capitano: NO, no. Those are vicious, nasty rumors perpetrated by jealousy. Hey, amigos? Hey?
- Amigos: Si! Si! Si!
- El Capitano: Si! Si! Yes!
- Luke McKeehan: [singsongy] But it gets worse.
- El Capitano: Oh, really?
- Luke McKeehan: Yup. They say that you guys can't even hit a moving target.
- El Capitano: "CAN'T HIT A MOVING TARGET?"
- [Capitano and the amigos laugh]
- El Capitano: That's ridiculous! I'll show you. You get out there and move around and we'll shoot you.
- Luke McKeehan: I can't walk around. I might escape. I might run away.
- El Capitano: Ah! Good! Right. I'll tell you what - I will move around, ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Luke McKeehan: Figures.
- El Capitano: Stay there. All right. Ready! Yeah. Okay, amigos? Ready! Aim! Fire!
- [Capitano gets shot]
- Coach: I know the team we're playin' has never lost a game, and I've heard the rumors that they eat their opponents for breakfast, and they leave that basketball court strewn with nothin' but bloody and broken bodies, but I'm here to tell you that those rumors are NOT TRUE. There's no truth whatsoever, any more than there is in the rumor that you guys are afraid to go out in that court and face 'em. Now, COME ON! Get out of those lockers and let's play ball!
- Lisa Ruddy: You are in The National Inquirer.
- Christine McGlade: I'm in The National Inquirer?
- Lisa Ruddy: Yeah. Right here on page two. "You have been fired."
- Christine McGlade: Oh! Oh, Lisa, that comes as such a relief! Great!
- Lisa Ruddy: Kevin said that, too. Why is that?
- Christine McGlade: Well, Lisa, you have to be very careful about what you read in these kind of magazines, like The National Inquirer and those other rags, because quite often they print unsubstantiated rumors. So, if it says that I've been fired, then it probably means that I haven't.