Ricky Gervais: Pincus

Ghost Town

Pincus

Admitting Nurse: Date of birth?
Bertram Pincus: Why?
Admitting Nurse: What day were you born?
Bertram Pincus: No, I understood the question. Why do you need to know that?
Admitting Nurse: Let's leave it blank. Weight?
Bertram Pincus: Last night or this morning?
Admitting Nurse: You pick.
Bertram Pincus: Hundred eighty-two pounds.
Admitting Nurse: Number of alcoholic beverages consumed per week?
Bertram Pincus: Why do you need to know that?
Admitting Nurse: Well, they want to know.
Bertram Pincus: Well, I'm sure "they" want to know a lot of things, but I don't want my intimate details auctioned off to the highest bidder, willy-nilly.
Admitting Nurse: I'll put zero. Marital status?
Bertram Pincus: Pass.
Admitting Nurse: Profession?
Bertram Pincus: Irrelevant.
Admitting Nurse: Food allergies?
Bertram Pincus: I'm not going to be eating here.
Admitting Nurse: Are you allergic to sticking plaster?
Bertram Pincus: What a ludicrous question. I'm not answering any more of these, really.
Admitting Nurse: Do you smoke?
Bertram Pincus: Stop it.
Admitting Nurse: Do you wear dentures?
Bertram Pincus: Madame, listen.

Gwen: You don't like crowds?
Bertram Pincus: It's not so much the crowd, as the individuals within the crowd.

Surgeon: There are subtle variations in even the simplest surgical...
Bertram Pincus: What would a subtle variation be in my case, for example?
Surgeon: Well, one doesn't wish to use jargon.
Bertram Pincus: No.
Surgeon: But, you know, technically - medically, it's beginning - yeah - you died.
Bertram Pincus: I died?
Surgeon: A little bit.
Bertram Pincus: For how long?
Surgeon: Seven minutes.
Hospital Lawyer: A bit less.

Bertram Pincus: [pointing at the dog] When did you get your horse?
Gwen: A couple of months ago. I found him at this shelter in Long Island. They were gonna put him down.
Bertram Pincus: Then they lost their nerve, did they?

Bertram Pincus: We live alone, and then we die alone. And apparently, we stay alone.

Bertram Pincus: Look at Pepi. Okay, they buried him with everything a dead guy doesn't need. Household pets, money. They even put his penis in a big jar. Why would they do that?
Gwen: But you saw that penis. It wouldn't have fit in a little jar.
Bertram Pincus: No, not why did they put it in a big - why'd they put it in a jar at all?

Bertram Pincus: Dr. Prashar - you're from a... scary country, right?
Dr. Prashar: ...I'm from India...
Bertram Pincus: But, you're not... Christian, like us?
Dr. Prashar: ...I'm a Hindu...
Bertram Pincus: Yeah. So, um, how would you extract information from a hostile?
Dr. Prashar: Well... as a... Hindu person... I would just... ask him... politely...

Bertram Pincus: Listen, our time together, as we both know, has been rather unpleasant. But I will say this: even though you're a vulgar man - boorish, distasteful, uncouth, uneducated, *stupid* - at least...
[long pause]
Frank Herlihy: You gonna finish?
Bertram Pincus: Done.
[shrugs]

Bertram Pincus: You lied. Why would you do that?
Frank Herlihy: Because you're a heartless son-of-a-bitch who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself. She's already had one of those.

Frank Herlihy: You're a sad little man.
Bertram Pincus: And you're a lying, bigamist, corpse.
Frank Herlihy: No, no, I'm not a bigamist. I'm an adulterer. It's a whole different thing.

Surgeon: Everybody dies.
Bertram Pincus: Yeah, but usually at the end of their life, and just the once and forever.
Surgeon: Everybody's different.

Frank Herlihy: What's with the doom and gloom? It's goin' good. You're weaseling your way right in there. This is gonna work.
Bertram Pincus: This Richard fellow. I just... I think Gwen really loves him. You know, he's a human rights lawyer.
Frank Herlihy: Hey, when the devil shows up, you think he's gonna have little red horns and carry a pitchfork? No, he's gonna work for Amnesty International, and he's gonna give all his money to the homeless.
Bertram Pincus: Well, if he did all that, wouldn't he lose the title "the devil"?
Frank Herlihy: [sighs] You know what I mean. Pincus, I got better things to do with my time. I wouldn't just be hanging out here.
Bertram Pincus: What exactly is your problem with Richard?

Frank Herlihy: [regarding Gwen] You're in love with her.
[Dr. Pincus walks away]
Frank Herlihy: You are.
[sighs, slaps his forehead]
Frank Herlihy: I knew it. That little Grinch heart of yours actually started beating and now you want to take it back to your cave and crush it with a rock. That's what you wanna do.
Bertram Pincus: I quit.
Frank Herlihy: You can't quit. I'll make your life a living hell.
Bertram Pincus: [stares at Frank] It already is.
[Frank walks away]

Surgeon: Not a real people person, are you, Dr. Pincus?
Bertram Pincus: Not really. Given a choice between a few people and loads of people, I choose my cat. She hunts dwarves. She takes them up the tree. They're still alive. You can see their little legs going. Sounds like Norah Jones when she plays the piano.

Bertram Pincus: [batting at smoke] Nice. Fine example for healthcare workers. Still, I suppose smoking serves a purpose. Thins the herd. Weeds out the stupid.

Bertram Pincus: Gwen, I've lived more in the last few days that I've spent with you, since I died, than I ever lived before I died - back when I was living, the first time.