Kate McKinnon credited as playing...
Jillian Holtzmann
- Patty Tolan: That's where I saw that weird sparking thing.
- Jillian Holtzmann: What was it?
- Patty Tolan: Baby, if I knew what it was, I wouldn't have called it a 'weird sparking thing'.
- Agent Hawkins: Do you have any idea how many federal regulations you are breaking on a daily basis?
- Jillian Holtzmann: One?
- Agent Rorke: No.
- Jillian Holtzmann: Two?
- Agent Rorke: No.
- Jillian Holtzmann: Is it one?
- Agent Rorke: Sheriff in New Mexico reports a UFO encounter, the crew of the S.S. Ourang Medan dies mysteriously, the entire town of Langville, Montana goes missing.
- Jillian Holtzmann: It does?
- Abby Yates: Okay, but we're talking about relocating. No one's being killed here. Right?
- Mayor Bradley: They were turned inside out.
- Erin Gilbert: Their skin is on the inside of their body?
- Mayor Bradley: Their skin is on the inside of their body because their organs are on the outside.
- Abby Yates: But, they're okay, right?
- Mayor Bradley: Sure.
- Jillian Holtzmann: I think they're dead...
- Jillian Holtzmann: [eating Pringles chips from the can] Just try saying no to these salty parabolas!
- Jillian Holtzmann: [smashes a guitar on stage and hands it back to its owner] Sorry. I can't buy you another one.
- Erin Gilbert: Why am I operating the untested nuclear laser?
- Jillian Holtzmann: You have the longest arms.
- Jillian Holtzmann: [Holstering her proton thrower] Forgot about my new toys.
- Jillian Holtzmann: [Twin pistol-sized throwers emerge from her pack. She licks one] Let's go.
- Jillian Holtzmann: [singing like Glinda in "The Wizard of Oz"] Come out, come out, wherever you are...
- Jillian Holtzmann: Safety lights are for dudes!
- Rebecca Gorin: Safety lights are for dudes.
- [They high-five]
- Rebecca Gorin: I hate doing that.
- Jillian Holtzmann: Ma'am, can you tell us where you got the world's tiniest bowtie?
- Erin Gilbert: Uh, it came with the shirt.
- Jillian Holtzmann: [Holtzmann places metal collar attached to proton gun on Erin] Do you know your iron level?
- Erin Gilbert: Mm-mm.
- Jillian Holtzmann: It's fine.
- Erin Gilbert: Holtzmann, come on!
- Jillian Holtzmann: The hat is too much, right? Is it the wig or the hat?
- Abby Yates: [Holtzmann is dancing to 'Rhythm of the Night'] I don't mean to DeBarge in!
- Jillian Holtzmann: Is that by DeBarge? I thought it was Devo.
- [after playing the "farting" EVP tape to Erin]
- Jillian Holtzmann: Is it more or less disgusting if I tell you it came out the front?