- Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
- Deadpool: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
- Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.
- Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.
- Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.
- Deadpool: And you are?
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
- Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage... what the shit? That's the coolest name ever!
- Deadpool: [to Colossus] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
- Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.
- [Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]
- Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
- Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
- Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion] Wade, is that you?
- Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
- Blind Al: I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
- Deadpool: What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
- Blind Al: Looks aren't everything.
- Deadpool: Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
- Blind Al: Love is blind, Wade.
- Deadpool: No. You're blind.
- Blind Al: So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
- Deadpool: No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan.
- Deadpool: [Commenting on her shaved head] Ripley, from Alien 3!
- Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
- Deadpool: [cackles] Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
- [Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]
- Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
- Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.
- [Wade collapses]
- [from leaked test footage]
- Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
- Deadpool: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
- Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
- Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?
- Wade Wilson: Yeah.
- Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
- Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
- Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
- Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
- Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
- Colossus: [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax] Wade! Four or five moments.
- Deadpool: I'm sorry?
- Colossus: Four or five moments - that's all it takes.
- Deadpool: To...?
- Colossus: Be a hero.
- Ajax: [groans]
- Colossus: Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice - to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...
- [Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him]
- Colossus: [vomits humourously] Why?
- Deadpool: You were droning on.
- Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
- Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
- [Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]
- Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her?
- [points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]
- Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.
- [Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]
- Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
- Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
- Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
- Wade Wilson: Yeah.
- Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
- Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
- Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
- Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
- Weasel: Star in horror films.
- Wade Wilson: What?
- Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
- Weasel: [to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Vanessa] I'd go with you, but... I don't want to.
- Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?
- Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
- Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
- Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.
- Deadpool: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
- Wade Wilson: Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure they're all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
- Weasel: No.
- Wade Wilson: El cancer.
- Deadpool: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.
- Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?
- [takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]
- Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.
- [she peels off the mask]
- Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.
- Wade Wilson: Yeah.
- Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.
- Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
- Deadpool: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks... six days and, oh...
- [Deadpool looking at his watch]
- Deadpool: 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
- Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
- Deadpool: This shit...
- [Deadpool lifts his mask halfway showing his scarred face]
- Deadpool: Boo!
- Recruiter: What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?
- Wade Wilson: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.
- Deadpool: I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
- Vanessa Carlysle: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.
- Wade Wilson: Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this?
- [looking at his Voltron ring]
- Wade Wilson: FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!
- Vanessa Carlysle: Five mini lion bots?
- [deadpans]
- Vanessa Carlysle: Three minutes.
- Wade Wilson: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?
- Vanessa Carlysle: [pause] Cuddle?
- Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?
- [after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]
- Deadpool: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
- Deadpool: [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone! And tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn!