Kickassia (2010 Video)

Bennett White: Bennett the Sage

Quotes 

• Bennett the Sage : Boy, it's so great to be back here in this crowded, cramped hotel room again. I wonder if it's still impossible for me to stretch my arms.

  [attempts to move his arms and hits Phelous and Paw] 

  Bennett the Sage : I can't! Happy birthday to me!

• Nostalgia Critic : And so, it is the ruling of this court that you be found guilty for the crimes against our government. All in favor, say 'aye'. Aye. All opposed?

  The Spoony One , Linkara , Angry Joe , Nostalgia Chick , Phelous , MarzGurl , Bennett the Sage , 8-Bit Mickey , Benzaie : Nay!

  Nostalgia Critic : [sing-songy]  Too bad I'm in charge! Guilty!

• Nostalgia Chick : [Nostalgia Critic is beaten senseless]  Well done, everyone, well done. Now, since I am next in line for the presidency, it's only fitting that I should wear the crown.

  [takes Critic's hat] 

  Nostalgia Chick : You will refer to me as Madame President from now on.

  Bennett the Sage : Wait a minute, so this whole cutesy, naive thing was just an act?

  Nostalgia Chick : Yep.

  JewWario : You're not really that nice?

  Nostalgia Chick : Nope.

  Benzaie : You're not really that stupid?

  Nostalgia Chick : Uh-uh.

• Paw : That's a game of Risk.

  Linkara Patton : Yes, and it's also gonna serve as our battle plan. Now then, just assume that Northern Europe here is the Government House, and Greenland is the Back Yard. Angry Joe and I will be stationed here!

  [points at the United Kingdom] 

  Linkara Patton : Handsome Tom and 8 Bit Mickey will travel in through the back, then Monty will come in through Messina

  Bennett the Sage : Wait, wait! You can't travel that way, the countries have to be connected!

  Linkara Patton : No they don't.

  Bennett the Sage : Yes they do! See? See those dotted lines? They connect!

  Linkara Patton : They do?

  Bennett the Sage : Well, I thought so.

  Paw : I thought you needed dice for this.

  Linkara Patton : Do you?

  JewWario : How *do* you play this game anyway?

  Board James : Well guys...

  [He picks up box of Risk] 

  Board James : Glad you asked. You got your deck of 56 risk cards, 3 red dice, 2 white dice, 6 sets of colored armies, and, of course, your game board because every board game has a game BOARD! The first step is to claim all the territories. Each player rolls 1 die. Whoever rolls the highest number gets to place one of their armies on the territory of your choice. After all territories are claimed, game play begins. At the beginning of every turn, count the number of territories you already own, then divide the number by 3. Then add that number of armies. You can also get armies by trading in certain combination of cards. You get the cards from capturing a territory. The attacker rolls the red dice based off the number of armies on the territory which is attacking. The winner is the first greedy bastard to take over the whole world. And that's... all there is to it

  Linkara Patton : Hey, that's good to know! Thanks, Board James!

  Board James : Well, thank *you* for the, uh... obligatory cameo.

• Bennett the Sage : I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus and play piñata with his entrails!

  [beat] 

  Bennett the Sage : What?

  Benzaie : You were just so fast to say that.

• Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One , Linkara , Angry Joe , Nostalgia Chick , Phelous , MarzGurl , Bennett the Sage , Benzaie , JewWario : I believe in Santa Christ.

• Phelous : Well, *that* didn't work.

  Bennett the Sage : Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!"

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I didn't think that far ahead.

  Cinema Snob : No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and *you* were ruling the fucking world.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes.

  Paw : You can't just do that, Critic. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for God's sake!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!