Opération Muppets (2014)
Ty Burrell: Jean Pierre Napoleon
Photos
Quotes
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : You know, eh, I think they did it.
Sam Eagle : No, they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Yes, they did, and we can pin it.
Sam Eagle : If they did it, how did they do it?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : If they didn't, how did they didn't?
Sam Eagle : If they didn't, then it's easy, 'cause they simply didn't do it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : If they didn't, then I knew it! And with nothing I can prove it!... Excuse me.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : [about to interrogate Miss Piggy] Alors, I think it's time for good cop, romantic cop!
[flips table to reveal a candlelit dinner]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside! / Now's your chance to save your hide!
Miss Piggy : Gentlemen, I did not know / it's a crime to steal the show.
Sam Eagle : Tell us how the art was taken!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : If you want to save your bacon!
Miss Piggy : I haven't seen your missing art / All I've stolen is audience's hearts.
Sam Eagle : We can give you a plea deal!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : All you have to do is squeal!
Miss Piggy : I'm not a thief, I don't know how / All I've ever taken is a bow!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : We'll catch the swine that did this job!
Miss Piggy : Give up the pig puns, creep! Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Thank you, Piggy, no more questions!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [to Sam] I think she likes me.
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Sam Eagle : [holding up a C.I.A. badge] C.I.A.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [holding up an Interpol badge] Interpol.
Sam Eagle : This is my travel badge.
[holds up a larger C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle : Here's my real badge.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : You must have been looking at the wrong badge.
[opens up his coat and his shirt, revealing an enormous Interpol badge underneath; Sam then unwraps a gigantic C.I.A. badge]
Sam Eagle : You were saying?
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[singing, after interrogating the Muppets about the robberies]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : They didn't!
Sam Eagle : No they didn't!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : There's no way they did a crime!
Sam Eagle : They couldn't, they're too stupid!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : They're not criminal masterminds!
Sam Eagle : They may not know who did it, but we know they didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : So we know who didn't do it, we know who didn't do it!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : They're incapable of being culpable!
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Sam Eagle : Kermit, let's begin! / Describe the day you played Berlin!
Constantine : We rehearsed and then we walked about / We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : That night at 10:03 / were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine : From 10:00 to 10:04 / was when we did the show encore!
Sam Eagle : Hmmm, frog, we've got our doubts / Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine : My alibi is watertight / The audience saw me sing all night.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Monsieur, we know you did the crime!
Constantine : I was on stage that whole time / Ask who sang "Rainbow Connection"!
Sam Eagle , Jean Pierre Napoleon : Thank you, Kermit! No more questions!
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Swedish Chef : Shern de shern de herf! Sher de chicky en de farney hug!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : To help with our investigation, can you do a full translation?
Translator : What the Chef said to you was "Schnoop do schnnop do schnook". It's not Swedish.
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Fozzie Bear : I can do an Elvis impression!
Sam Eagle , Jean Pierre Napoleon : ...Thank you, Muppets! No more questions!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!
[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]
Sam Eagle : Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo : I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo : I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.
Sam Eagle : The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.
Gonzo : If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla : Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!
Sam Eagle : Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo : Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!
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Sam Eagle : I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [with a gasp, he finds Fozzie's rubber chicken] The comedian bear, he was here.
Sam Eagle : [finding the Lemur's coin] The Lemur. He, too, was here. Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant.
Sam Eagle : But why would he steal a bunch of old bones?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England.
Sam Eagle : Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : The Tower of London.
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : The comedian bear is planning on stealing...
Sam Eagle : ...the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : ...the Tower of London! The Crown Jewels.
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Sam Eagle : What is this? A toy?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : This is my car, Le Maximum. It is illegal now in most of the EU for its massive size.
[getting in, they're uncomfortably crammed together]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : It's so needlessly spacious, I feel guilty.
Sam Eagle : I hate Europe.
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Sam Eagle : This doesn't make any sense. Why break in, smash some priceless busts, and then not steal anything? There must be something bigger going on. But what?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : I've got it!
[hearing a bell toll, he checks his watch]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Oh, sorry. 2:00 p.m. My day is over.
Sam Eagle : [spotting the Muppets' promotional poster] Wait. Those weirdos, the Muppets, were performing next to the crime scene in Berlin. And here they are, performing right next to the crime scene in Madrid! You know what that means.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Yes, they love museums.
Sam Eagle : No! They're suspects!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Okay. Overtime. We must find these Muppets before they flee the country. To the train station!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : What about this comedian bear? He is too stupid to be stupid. He must be some sort of genius.
Sam Eagle : Maybe your Lemur hunch is correct.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Except for the fact that Les Muppets play tomorrow night at the Dublin Theatre. Which just happens to be next door to the Irish National Bank! Maybe your Muppet hunch is... correct.
Sam Eagle : It's almost as if we're...
Jean Pierre Napoleon , Sam Eagle : Not so different... after... all.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Come, come, mon ami! We must follow Les Muppets to Dublin!
Sam Eagle : To Dublin!
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : Are you all Les Muppets?
Fozzie Bear : Wow, those are big badges!
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Sam Eagle : What exactly are we doing today?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [sipping from a tiny espresso cup] I am doing my job. All we need to do is look at the map with the blinky lights and wait. This is how it is done here in Europe.
Sam Eagle : In America, we use 3-D satellite LED displays. Not cardboard with Christmas lights stuck through it.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [getting an alert] A blinky light! She is blinking! Let's go.
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Sam Eagle : So, what have we got?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Two priceless paintings stolen and one average painting of an obscure English colonel.
Sam Eagle : Hmm.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : This has all the markings of the work of the Lemur.
Sam Eagle : What's a lemur?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Only the second most wanted criminal in the world. And my personal nemesis. Unfortunately for me, his identity is a mystery.
Sam Eagle : No, literally, what is a lemur?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Oh. It is also a rat-monkey from Madagascar.
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Sam Eagle : [trying to one-up each other's badge sizes] You've won this round, Pierre.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : My name is Jean.
Sam Eagle : Okay, Shawn. Looks like we're going to be working together. But that doesn't mean I have to like you.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : I didn't like you first.
Sam Eagle : I didn't like you before I met you.
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Sam Eagle : [nearly catching Constantine and Domininc] Did you see anything?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : Not a thing. It is my lunch hour. It lasts six hours.
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Jean Pierre Napoleon : The Lemur! I have you finally!
Sam Eagle : And Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog!
Kermit the Frog : No, no, no.
Sam Eagle : As you might say, case sol-ved.
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [inexplicably, he's changed his clothes and his family has appeared] Perfect! Time for my annual eight-week paid vacation. Au revoir.
Sam Eagle : No, wait! What am I supposed to do with them until the mobile holding unit arrives?
Jean Pierre Napoleon : [leaving] On holiday!
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Sam Eagle : Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
Jean Pierre Napoleon : And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
Dominic Badguy : I'm not adorable.
Sam Eagle : He *is* adorable.
Constantine : You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
Rowlf the Dog : The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
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[deleted scene; the Swedish Chef has testified, but his language comes off as complete gibberish to Agent Napoleon]
Jean Pierre Napoleon : To help with our investigation, can someone provide a full translation?
[Beaker translates the Chef's testimony]
