- [Yondu is floating in the air, hanging on his arrow]
- Peter Quill: You look like Mary Poppins.
- Yondu: Is he cool?
- Peter Quill: Hell yeah, he's cool.
- Yondu: I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!
- Baby Groot: I am Groot.
- Yondu: What's that?
- Rocket: He says, "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy." Only he didn't use "frickin'."
- Kraglin: What are you gonna do with your share?
- Nebula: As a child, my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Every time my sister prevailed... my father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be her equal. But she won... again and again, and again, never once refraining. So after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death. I will hunt my father like a dog, and I will tear him apart slowly... piece by piece, until he knows some semblance of the profound and unceasing pain I knew every single day.
- Kraglin: Yeah... I was talking about, like, a pretty necklace. Or a nice hat. You know. Something to make the other girls go "Ooh, that's nice."
- Drax: [to Quill] There are two types of beings in the universe, those who dance, and those who do not.
- Rocket: Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the death button.
- Peter Quill: I don't have any tape. Let me check. Yo, Yondu, do you have any. Ow! Do you have any tape?... Gamora? Do you have any tape? Tape! Ah, never mind. Ow! Drax, do you have any tape? Yes, Scotch tape would work... Then why did you ask me if Scotch tape would work, if you don't have any? Nobody has any tape!
- Rocket: Not a single person has tape?
- Peter Quill: Nope!
- Rocket: Did you ask Nebula?
- Peter Quill: Yes!
- Rocket: Are you sure?
- Peter Quill: I asked Yondu and she was sitting right next to him.
- Rocket: I knew you were lying!
- Peter Quill: You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag. If anybody's gonna have tape, it's *you*!
- [Baby Groot grabs the device and runs off with it while Rocket's back is turned]
- Rocket: That's exactly my point! I have to do everything!
- Peter Quill: You are wasting a lot of time here!
- [Rocket turns around and see that both the bomb and Groot are gone]
- Rocket: [to himself] We're all gonna die.
- Rocket: So, we're saving the galaxy, again?
- Peter Quill: I guess.
- Rocket: Awesome! We're really gonna be able to jack up our prices if we're two-time galaxy savers.
- Peter Quill: Sometimes, the thing you've been looking for your whole life is right there beside you all along.
- Drax: [next to Peter] You're right!
- Peter Quill: Well, you may not be mortal, but me...
- Ego: No, Peter... death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.
- Peter Quill: I'm immortal?
- Ego: Mmm-hmm.
- Peter Quill: Really?
- Ego: Yes! As long as the light exists.
- Peter Quill: And, I could use the light to build cool things like, how you made this whole planet?
- Ego: Well, it might take you a few million years of practice before you get really good at it. But, yes!
- Peter Quill: What! This is... Well, get ready for a 800-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor and Heather Locklear...
- Ego: You can do anything you want.
- Peter Quill: I'm gonna make some weird shit.
- Peter Quill: What is it?
- Kraglin: It's called a Zune. It's what everybody's listening to on Earth nowadays.
- Groot: I am Groot.
- Rocket: He hates hats.
- Groot: I am Groot.
- Rocket: On anyone, not just himself.
- Groot: I am Groot.
- Rocket: [to Yondu] One minute you think someone has a weird-shaped head, the next minute it's just because you realize part of that head is the hat.
- Rocket: [to Groot] That's why you don't like hats?
- [from the closing credits]
- The Form of David Hasselhoff: In times of hardship, just remember: We. Are. Groot.
- [showing Groot how to arm the bomb]
- Rocket: All right, first you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it. Then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there. Now, whatever you do, don't push *this* button, because that will set off the bomb immediately and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.
- Groot: I am Groot.
- Rocket: Uh-huh.
- Groot: I am Groot.
- Rocket: That's right.
- Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.
- Rocket: No! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.
- Groot: Hmm. I am Groot.
- Rocket: Mmm-hmm.
- Groot: I am Groot?
- Rocket: Uh-huh.
- Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.
- Rocket: No! That's exactly what you just said! How is that even possible? Which button is the button you're supposed to push? Point to it.
- [Groot points to the death button]
- Rocket: *No*!
- Ego: Listen to me! You are a god. If you kill me, you'll be just like everybody else!
- Peter Quill: What's so wrong with that?
- Ego: *No*!
- Rocket: You people have issues.
- Peter Quill: Well, of course I have issues. That's my freakin' father!
- Ego: I created what I imagined biological life to be like... down to the most minute detail.
- Drax: Did you make a penis?
- Peter Quill: Dude!
- Gamora: What is wrong with you?
- Drax: If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her!
- Peter Quill: I don't need to hear how my parents...
- Drax: Why? My father would tell the story of impregnating my mother every winter solstice.
- Peter Quill: That's disgusting.
- Drax: It was beautiful. You earthers have hang-ups.
- Ego: Yes, Drax, I got a penis.
- Drax: Ha! Thank you!
- Ego: It's not half bad.
- Rocket: [snickering] I'm sorry. I am so sorry! I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, sir, looking in the mirror and then in all seriousness saying to yourself...
- [deep voice]
- Rocket: "You know what would be a really kick-ass name? Taserface!"
- [all the Ravagers struggle desperately not to laugh]
- Rocket: That's how I hear you in my head! What was your second choice? "Scrotum Hat"?
- [Rocket and the Ravagers all fall apart laughing]
- Peter Quill: I told Gamora how when I was a kid I used to pretend David Hasselhoff was my dad. He's a singer and actor from Earth, really famous guy. Earlier, it struck me... Yondu didn't have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. He didn't have the beautiful voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. Both Yondu and David Hasselhoff went on kick-ass adventures and hooked up with hot women, and fought robots... I guess David Hasselhoff did kind of end up being my dad after all. Only it was you, Yondu.
- [tearing up]
- Peter Quill: I had a pretty cool dad. What I'm trying to say here is... sometimes that *thing* you're searching for your whole life... is right there by your side all along. And you don't even know it.
- Drax: How did you get to this weird dumb planet?
- Mantis: Ego found me in my larva state. Orphaned on my home world. He raised me by hand, and kept me as his own.
- Drax: So you're a pet.
- Mantis: I suppose.
- Drax: People usually want cute pets. Why would Ego want such a hideous one?
- Mantis: I am hideous?
- Drax: You are horrifying to look at. Yes.
- [Mantis lowers her eyes, offended by Drax' words]
- Drax: Bu-but that's a good thing.
- Mantis: Oh?
- Drax: When you're ugly, and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are... beautiful people never know who to trust.
- Mantis: [cheerfully] Well, then I'm certainly grateful to be ugly!
- Rocket: Do you know why I did it, Star-Munch? Hmm?
- Peter Quill: I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."
- Rocket: I did it because I wanted to!
- Peter Quill: Dick.
- Rocket: What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!
- Drax: How little?
- Rocket: [holding his thumb and forefinger close together] Well, I don't know, like this?
- Gamora: [skeptically] A little one-inch man saved us?
- Rocket: Well, if he got closer, I'm sure he would be much larger.
- Peter Quill: It's how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.
- Rocket: *Don't call me a racoon*!
- Peter Quill: I'm sorry. I took it too far. I meant trash panda.
- [Rocket looks around in confusion]
- Rocket: Is that better?
- Drax: I don't know.
- Peter Quill: [snickering] It's worse. It's so much worse.
- [from Trailer]
- Mantis: When I touch someone I can feel their feelings.
- [touches Quill's hand]
- Mantis: You feel... love!
- Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess - Yeah, I feel a general unselfish love for everyone.
- Mantis: No. *Sexual* love...
- Peter Quill: No. No, I don't.
- Mantis: [points at Gamora] ... for her!
- Peter Quill: No!
- [Drax begins laughing hysterically]
- Drax: She just told everyone you deepest, darkest secret!
- [Drax continues laughing]
- Peter Quill: Dude! Come on! I think you're reacting a little bit!
- Drax: You must be so embarrassed!
- [continues cracking up]
- Drax: Do me! Do me! Do me!
- Peter Quill: You put your turd in my bed, I shave you.
- Rocket: Oh, it won't be my turd. It'll be Drax's.
- Drax: [laughs] I have famously huge turds.
- Drax: [Looking at Batteries] What are they called again?
- Peter Quill: Anulax batteries.
- Drax: Harbulary batteries.
- Peter Quill: That's nothing like what I just said.
- Watcher Informant: Oh, man. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted. At that time, I was a Federal Express man...
- Peter Quill: This is weird. We've got a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear.
- Gamora: Why would they do that?
- Drax: Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries.
- Rocket: Dude!
- Drax: [awkwardly] Right... He didn't steal some of those. I don't know why they're after us. What a mystery this is.
- Drax: The beast's hide is too thick to be pierced from the outside. I must cut through it from the inside.
- Gamora: Huh?... No, no! Drax, wait a minute! *Drax*!
- [Drax charges at the monster, and leaps down its throat]
- Peter Quill: [horrified] What is he doing?
- Gamora: He said the skin is too thick to be pierced on the outside. So he...
- Peter Quill: But, that doesn't make any sense!
- Gamora: I tried telling him that!
- Peter Quill: Skin is the same level of thickness from the inside as from the outside!
- Gamora: I *realize* that.
- Yondu: You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are.
- Rocket: You don't know anything about me, loser.
- Yondu: I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest and the hardest but actually you're the most scared of all.
- Rocket: Shut up!
- Yondu: I know you steal batteries you don't need and you push away anyone who's willing to put up with you 'cause just a little bit of love reminds you of how big and empty that hole inside you actually is.
- Rocket: I said shut up!
- Yondu: I know them scientists what made you, never gave a rat's ass about you!
- Rocket: I'm serious, dude!
- Yondu: Just like my own damn parents who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery! I know who you are, boy, because you're me!
- Rocket: ...What kind of a pair are we?
- Yondu: The kind that's about to go fight a planet, I reckon.
- Rocket: All right, okay! Good, that's... Wait. Fight a what?
- Yondu: You can go to hell, then! I don't give a damn what you think of me!
- Stakar Ogord: So what are you following us for?
- Yondu: Because you're gonna listen to what I gotta say!
- Stakar Ogord: I don't gotta listen to nothing! You betrayed the code! Ravagers don't deal in kids.
- Yondu: I told you before! I didn't know what was going on!
- Stakar Ogord: You didn't know because you didn't want to know because it made you rich.
- Mantis: If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.
- Peter Quill: You read minds?
- Mantis: No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings. Emotions.
- Mantis: [to Peter] May I?
- Peter Quill: All right.
- Mantis: [Mantis touches Peter's hand] You feel... love.
- Peter Quill: Yeah. I guess, yeah, I feel a general, unselfish love for just about everybody...
- Mantis: No! Romantic, sexual love.
- Peter Quill: No. No, I don't.
- Mantis: [points to Gamora] For her!
- Peter Quill: No, no. No, I don't.
- Mantis: [points to Gamora] For her.
- Peter Quill: No! That is not...
- [Drax starts laughing hysterically]
- Peter Quill: Okay... That's...
- Drax: [still laughing] She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret!
- Peter Quill: Dude, come on, I think you're overreacting a little bit.
- Drax: [still laughing] You must be so embarrassed!
- Drax: [to Mantis] Do me! Do me! Do me!
- [Mantis touches Drax and she starts laughing hysterically]
- Mantis: I've never felt such humor!
- Peter Quill: So unbelievably uncool.
- Drax: Oh, Quill...
- [Mantis walks over to Gamora to touch her]
- Gamora: Touch me, and the *only* thing you're gonna feel is a broken jaw.
- [from second mid-credit scene]
- Stakar Ogord: You know, it's a shame that it took the tragedy of losing Yondu to bring us all together again. But I think he'd be proud knowing that we're back as a team.
- Charlie-27: I'm in.
- Martinex: Dope.
- Mainframe: I miss you guys so much!
- Aleta Ogord: Hell yes.
- Stakar Ogord: What say we steal some shit?
- Peter Quill: You said you loved my mother.
- Ego: And that I did. My river lily who knew all the words to every song that came over the radio. I returned to Earth to see her three times. And I knew if I returned a fourth, well, I'd... I'd never leave. The Expansion... the reason for my very existence would be over. So, I did what I had to do. But... it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head.
- Peter Quill: What?
- Ego: Now, now, all right, I know that sounds bad...
- [Peter continuously shoots Ego with his Quad Blasters]
- Ego: [reforming] Who... in the *hell*... do you think you are?
- Peter Quill: *You killed my mother*!
- Ego: I tried *so hard* to find the form...
- The Form of David Hasselhoff: [changes form to David Hasselhoff] ... that best *suited you*... and this is the thanks I get?
- Ego: [changes back] You really need to *grow up*.
- [Ego pierces Quill with a beam of energy]
- Ego: I wanted to do this together... but I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a *battery*!
- Rocket: He didn't chase them away.
- Peter Quill: No.
- Rocket: Even though he yelled at them, and was always mean... And he stole batteries he didn't need.
- Peter Quill: [Realizes Rocket's talking about himself, not Yondu] Well, of course not.
- Mantis: He's coming.
- Drax: Didn't you say you could make him sleep?
- Mantis: When he wants! He's too powerful! I can't!
- Drax: You don't have to believe in yourself, because I believe in you!
- Mantis: [places her hand within Ego's core] SLEEP!
- [Ego powers down]
- Drax: [to Gamora] I never thought she'd be able to do it; with as skinny and weak as she appears to be.