Nicolas Cage credited as playing...
Spider-Man Noir
- Spider-Man Noir: Hey, fellas.
- Miles Morales: Is he in black and white?
- Peter B. Parker: Where is that wind coming from? We're in a basement.
- Spider-Man Noir: Wherever I go, the wind follows. And the wind... smells like rain.
- Peter B. Parker: [to Miles, after he lost his uncle Aaron] We've all been there. For me, it was my uncle Ben.
- Spider-Man Noir: For me, it was my uncle Benjamin.
- Peni Parker: For me, it was my father.
- Gwen Stacy: For me, it was my best friend.
- Spider-Ham: Miles, the hardest thing about this job is you can't always save everybody.
- Spider-Man Noir: Sometimes I let matches burn down to my fingertips just to feel something, anything.
- Spider-Man Noir: [looking at a Rubik's Cube] This is purple?
- Spider-Ham: No.
- Spider-Man Noir: Blue?
- Spider-Ham: No.
- Spider-Man Noir: OK, little fella, Kingpin's gonna send a lot of mugs after ya, I'm talking hard boys, real biscuit boxers. Can you fight them all off at once?
- Miles Morales: Well, I, I haven't actually fought anyone...
- Spider-Man Noir: Surprise attack!
- [Miles tries to fight Spider-Man Noir, but Noir knocks him down. Peni jumps in]
- Peni Parker: Can you re-wire a mainframe while being shot at?
- Miles Morales: Can I what?
- Peni Parker: Show me!
- Spider-Man Noir: Surprise attack!
- [Noir knocks him down again]
- Gwen Stacy: Can you swing and flip with the grace of a trained dancer?
- Spider-Man Noir: Can you close off your feelings so you don't get crippled by the moral ambiguity of your violent actions?
- Aunt May: Can you help your aunt create an online dating profile so she can get out of the dang house once in a while?
- Spider-Ham: Can you float through the air when you smell a delicious pie?
- Miles Morales: What?
- Gwen Stacy: Can you be strong?
- Peni Parker: Ruthless?
- Gwen Stacy: Disciplined?
- Miles Morales: I don't know, maybe...
- Spider-Ham: BOING!
- Spider-Man Noir: Show me some moxie, soldier!
- Gwen Stacy: Above all, no mater how many times you get hit, can you get back up?
- Spider-Man Noir: Because when a Spider-Man is on the floor...
- Gwen Stacy: - When you think you've given your all...
- Spider-Ham: - When you think you can't keep going...
- Spider-Man Noir: - Spider-Man always gets up.
- Spider-Man Noir: [fighting Tombstone] Is that all you got? You gonna fight or you just bumping gums, you hard-boiled turtle slapper?
- Spider-Man Noir: Get a load of how the waiters are dressed.
- [seeing the waiters are all dressed like Spider-Man]
- Spider-Man Noir: It's in poor taste, but... it can't be that easy.
- [cut to them sneaking in as waiters]
- Spider-Man Noir: It's that easy.
- Aunt May: [as the Spider-People prepare to fight Kingpin's henchmen in May's living room] Would you mind taking this outside?
- Spider-Man Noir: We don't pick the ballroom. We just dance.
- Spider-Man Noir: My name is Peter Parker.
- Peni Parker: My name is Peni Parker.
- Spider-Ham: My name is Peter Porker.
- Spider-Man Noir, Peni Parker: I was bitten by a radioactive spider.
- Spider-Ham: [simultaneously] I was bitten by a radioactive pig.
- Spider-Man Noir: In my universe, it's 1933, and I'm a private eye. I like to drink egg creams, and I like to fight Nazis. A lot.
- Peter B. Parker: So, uh, how did you get here?
- Spider-Man Noir: Well, it's kind a long story.
- [flashback to the shockwave that brought him, Spider-Ham, and Peni here]
- Spider-Man Noir: Maybe not that long.