Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)
Hugh Jackman: Logan, Wolverine
Photos
Quotes
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Deadpool : [excitedly] Oh, my God. HE'S GONNA SAY IT!
Logan : [confused] Say what?
Deadpool : AVENGERS ASSEM...
Johnny Storm : FLAME ON!
Deadpool : Sorry, what now?
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Wolverine : You know what? You're a fucking joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you or the X-Men, and they'll take fucking anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved jabbering little prick in my entire life, and that says a lot because I've been alive for more than 200 fucking years, and I'll tell you, that bald chick was right about one thing: you will never save the world! You couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper! Motherfucker, I wish I could say you'll die alone, but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, except that's on ALL OF US!... Well, you got nothing to say, mouth?
Deadpool : I'm gonna fight you now.
Wolverine : [laughing] Oh, are you?
[Deadpool punches him in the face, leaving a bloody nose]
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Wade Wilson : I wear a toupee. But nobody knows.
Logan : [laughs] Everybody knows.
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Logan : Mind putting your mask back on?
Wade Wilson : Super hard to eat while I'm wearing it.
Logan : It's super hard to eat when you're not.
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Logan : [to Wade] You really are God's Perfect Idiot, aren't you?
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Seedy Bartender : I told you, you're not welcome here. You're not welcome anywhere. Now get the fuck out of my bar.
Logan : Just give me one more drink, and then I'll leave.
Deadpool : Hi, Peanut. I'm gonna need you to come with me right now.
Logan : Look, lady, I'm not interested.
Deadpool : All right. Well, I'm sort of on the tick-tick, so upsy-daisy, here we go.
[Deadpool lifts Logan off his stool]
Logan : Whoa! Hey, hey!
[Logan draws his claws, but they move slowly]
Deadpool : Oh. Whiskey dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.
Logan : You don't want this.
[Deadpool pulls out a pistol and points it at Logan's forehead]
Deadpool : Unless you want to take a deep breath through your fucking forehead, I suggest you reconsider.
[Logan laughs and places his forehead against the gun]
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[repeated line]
Logan : Shut the fuck up.
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Deadpool : Were you even listening back there? We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I fuckin' know is gonna die!
Logan : Not my fucking problem.
[walks off]
Deadpool : Oh, is that all you got? Is that what you said when your world went to shit?
Logan : ... Come again?
Deadpool : Yeah, I heard all about you, how you screwed up everything? You should be thanking me for pulling me out of that bed you shit in.
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[as Deadpool and Wolverine start to fight, they hear a cellphone ring]
Wolverine : [to the viewer] Hey, bub! You're in a movie theater, not the ****ing-off room in your mom's nursing home! So, turn your phone to ****ing silent or I'll shove your phone so far up your *** you'll have to answer it through your ****ing ****!
Deadpool : No no no no no! Easy now! So much testosterone! God, when you yell like that, it makes my **** vibrate.
Deadpool : [to the viewer] Listen... just, turn your phones off, or put them on silent, whatever you prefer. I'm gonna take his neck veins for a walk now. Enjoy the film.
[Wolverine walks off, Deadpool follows him]
Deadpool : Nice fourth-wall break back there! I didn't think you had it in you!
Wolverine : Shut your ****ing mouth!
Deadpool : No no no no no, they do not like that word in America, or Canada, or the Netherlands...
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Deadpool : Fuck, this is gonna hurt.
[Looks down at his guns, then looks over and sees two magazines of ammunition lying nearby]
Deadpool : Alright! Fuck it! Let's give the people what they came for.
Wolverine : Let's fucking go!
Deadpool : [looks at the camera] Get your special sock out nerds. It's gonna get good!
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Cassandra Nova : Did Charles Xavier protect you? Did he make you feel safe?
Logan : We're mutants. We're never safe.
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Deadpool : I didn't lie!
Wolverine : You lied!
Deadpool : No, I made an educated wish! Because I need you!
[holds up the photo of him and his friends]
Deadpool : This. This is why. Right here. Because if we don't do something, they die. I don't know anything about saving worlds, and why would I even care? Because my entire world is right here in this picture. It's only 9 people and I have no idea how to save it alone. I know how to fuck people up for money, but you, YOU... know how to save them! At least, the other Wolverine did.
[Wolverine twists his claws in Deadpool's leg]
Deadpool : AGH, fuck! I guess I'm stuck with the worst one!
Wolverine : Did you say you made... an educated... fucking... wish?
Deadpool : They call me 'The Merc with the Mouth.' They don't call me 'Truthful Timmy the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon!'
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Logan : Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.
Laura : That suit says different.
Logan : You like it? Scott used to beg me to wear it. So did Jean, Storm, Beast. All of 'em. They wanted me to be part of the team, but I wouldn't. Told 'em they all look fuckin' ridiculous, and... I couldn't have 'em thinking I wanted to be there. And one day, while I was off on my own, the humans came and went mutant hunting.
Laura : I can guess the rest.
Logan : No, no, let... Let me say it. I, I need to say it. By the time I stumbled home, shitfaced from the bar, it was too late. They were dead, every... And this suit's all I've got to remind me of who they were. And what I did.
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Logan : For the first time in my life, I am proud to wear this suit. It means I'm an X-Man. I am THE X-man.
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Wade Wilson : ook, mijo. I know you're hurting. My blind, elderly African-American roommate Blind Al always says that pain teaches us who we are. Sometimes, we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.
Logan : Holy shit.
Wade Wilson : Yeah, she's wise!
Logan : No, no, no, that's her name? You call her Blind Al?
Wade Wilson : Well, she's blind.
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Gambit : You know, we never had a Wolverine up in here. But I can tell you now, it's just a common courtesy to ask before you drink up all of my liquor.
Logan : Well, it's a good thing I don't give a fuck.
[Raises a bottle of booze to his mouth]
Gambit : Heh. Couillon soi.
[Throws a card, shattering the bottle]
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Wolverine : You didn't lie. You made an educated wish.
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Logan : Give me the fucking dog. Talk to the girl.
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Cassandra Nova : My brother loved you?
Logan : He loved all of us.
Cassandra Nova : Must be nice.
Logan : He would've loved you, too. If he knew about you. If he knew where you were, he would've torn a hole in the fucking universe to bring you home.
Cassandra Nova : This is my home.
Logan : Then, let us at least save his.
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Logan : [to Cassandra] I know your brother. As much as I wanna fucking kill you, every bone in my body wants to fucking kill you, he wouldn't let me stand here and watch you die.
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Logan : [to the motivated superheroes] You're all fuckin' dead!
Wade Wilson : My god, read the room!
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Logan : Who's next?
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Cassandra Nova : What did you do?
Logan : I started killing. And I couldn't stop. I didn't wanna stop.
Cassandra Nova : All those bad men...
Logan : It's not just the bad ones.
Cassandra Nova : My little animal.
Logan : I turned the whole world against the X-Men!
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Wolverine : There's a hundred of you about to kill us. Fuck it, let's go!
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Deadpool : [holding up Sabertooth's decapitated head] Behold! The head of your precious queen... Furiosa! I have The Wolverine! I alone control her! You come for me, you come for her!
[whispering to Wolverine]
Deadpool : So sorry, I know it's pronounced 'him'. I'm gender-blind, it's my cross to bear.
Wolverine : [ignoring Deadpool] Who's next?
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Logan : Oh, thank fuck.
Wade Wilson : No, no, no, no, no. That's rubbing alcohol. You don't wanna drink...
[Logan drinks it anyway]
Wade Wilson : Oh, yeah. There you go. Fuck that liver.
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Logan : Get in the fucking car.
Nicepool : She'll get you there safe and sound. Old Betsy always does. You're gonna have to give me my dog back, though.
Deadpool : I know. Listen. Yes, child. If you ever wanna give her up, or if she needs a new home, or if something should happen to you, I'd love to be her papa.
Nicepool : [laughing] What would ever happen to me?
Deadpool : [with the tone of a thinly veiled threat] Lots of stuff.
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Deadpool : Sabretooth. Your brother.
Sabretooth : Ready to die?
Deadpool : [Logan draws his claws] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time! You look ridiculous.
[removing his katanas from Logan's body]
Deadpool : People have waited decades for this fight. It's not gonna be easy. Baby Knife. Shoot the double, you take him down. Side control, then full mount, and you ground and pound 'til he makes no sound because he's dead.
Logan : Shut the fuck up!
Deadpool : [fanboying a little] Oh, my God! Okay, good luck. I'm a huge fan.
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Deadpool : Johnny told us all about you.
Logan : Maybe shut up now.
Johnny Storm : Yeah, maybe don't...
Deadpool : We're just talkin' here. Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic megalomaniacal asshole. His words, not mine. Hellbent on domination and pain.
Cassandra Nova : You said all that about me?
Johnny Storm : No! No! I don't... I didn't say any of that!
Deadpool : Sticks and stones, Johnny! Don't let her intimidate you. It's like you said in the convoy. This finger-lickin', dead-inside pixie slab of third-rate dime-store nut milk can eat your delicious cinnamon ring and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.
Johnny Storm : Okay, I have never said any of those words in my entire life!
Deadpool : Ha! The modesty. People think I'm a shit-talker, but this guy?
[chef's kiss]
Deadpool : Next level.
Johnny Storm : What? This... I... We... I don't even know what half of that means! This... I...
Deadpool : My hat's off to you, sir. Truly.
Johnny Storm : What? This... I didn't... He's... That's... I... I-don't...
[bored with his efforts to defend himself, Cassandra flays him with a flick of her wrist]
Deadpool : Not my favorite Chris.
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Logan : You said Logan was a hero. What happened?
Deadpool : He died.
Logan : How?
Deadpool : Well, technically, you were chest-fucked by a tree, but really, you just ran out of batteries trying to save someone.
Logan : Who?
Deadpool : The shitheels that grew her in a lab called her X-23. But... she was just a kid. A younger, daintier, somehow meaner version of you. You died trying to save her. It was beautiful.
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Logan : If you know where we are, start talking.
Johnny Storm : You're in the Void. Think of it as purgatory. Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard. Where anything useless goes before it gets annihilated forever. And where the TVA sends people that don't play nice with the rest of the multiverse.
Logan : Like you?
Johnny Storm : And you.
Deadpool : What does the annihilating?
Johnny Storm : Alioth.
Deadpool : Alioth is in this thing? From "Loki", season 1, episode 5?
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Deadpool : If they can fix your world, what's the first thing you're gonna do when you get out of here? Get some rubbing alcohol shots, maybe a wiper fluid chaser?
Logan : What did you say?
Deadpool : I said when you get back, what's the first thing you're gonna do?
Logan : No, no, no. Before that.
Deadpool : If... they can fix your world?
Logan : [slamming on the car brakes] What do you mean, "if"?
Deadpool : I mean...
Logan : You lied to me. You don't have a fucking clue if they can help me fix things, do you?
Deadpool : No. I mean...
[Logan stabs him in the leg with his claws]
Deadpool : OW! Fuck!
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Deadpool : I wanna talk to your boss. I want you to get him on the phone and you tell him, her, or them that Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.
[noticing everybody's reaction]
Deadpool : Holy shit. I just heard a symphony of buttholes clenching all at once. You're off-grid. Your bosses don't know what you sick fucks are doing down here. Well, I'll tell you what. I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna tell 'em all about you and your...
Mr. Paradox : [zapping him with a pruning wand] Oh, silence is nice, isn't it?
Logan : Where the fuck did he go?
Mr. Paradox : To the trash heap. You'll fit right in.
[as Logan charges, Paradox zaps him, too]
Mr. Paradox : Whew. That was close.
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Logan : Have you been checked for ADHD?
Wade Wilson : [smiling] Mmm-mmm.
