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edgewelle
Reviews
Mule Feathers (1978)
Mule feces
Woe to the person who views this film.
The version that I rented (when looking for a humorously bad movie, mind you) had the gall to put Don Knotts on the cover of the box. What a joke. A disembodied Knotts provides the voice for a mule that occasionally appears during the movie, voicing perhaps 15 lines - a solid half hour of work for old Don. The rest of the movie is beyond incomprehensible - film quality that is beyond terrible, jump cuts everywhere, horrible sound, and no discernable story or point. Was it intended to be a comedy? The (near) presence of Don Knotts would seem to indicate that, but the dreary pacing and tone of the film suggests that Stanley Kubrick directed the film while hung over.
So while I had hoped to find something that could be ironically enjoyable, the experience of watching Mule Feathers just felt like being beaten mercilessly in the head with a board.
Murdercycle (1999)
Did I miss something?
For my money, there's nothing more terrifying than a plastic-covered motorcycle driving laps around people in slow motion. My chest was pounding as laser blasts from this unholy machine ricocheted off wooden wagon wheels and rusty metal. There was too much heart-stopping action in this movie to withstand!
"Murdercycle" is a weak (albeit fairly harmless) horror/action film from Full Moon pictures. The acting is very, very poor. Community theater level poor. People can't hold guns properly in this movie, and acting is replaced with disconcerting twitches and squints. Those faults are humorous ones, however; we can enjoy ourselves with the low quality of the acting and sets (two buildings, a lot of trees, and a janitor's break room comprise the shooting locations).
My real problem with "Murdercycle" is the character of Dr. Lee. She's a woman with psychic powers employed by the government. How does she have these powers? She explains, "Everybody has the ability to use this gift - but few do." I would venture to guess that the reason that people don't use this gift is that it turns you into a somber, completely uninteresting bore who contributes nothing to life. This character is pointless, uninteresting, unattractive, and annoying.
The murdercycle itself is a funny thing. A dirt bike covered with black plastic mounted with lasers of varying power. One minute, the laser blows up a truck. The next minute, it's rendered impotent by rotten wood. More often than not, the murdercycle kills it's victims by simply running over them. That's some space-age alien technology for you.
I can't bring myself to completely pan this movie. I enjoyed myself when not subjected to the monotone speeches of Dr. Lee. Avoid this if you're hoping for even somewhat decent action. Check it out if you're looking for a laugh.
Last Resort (1994)
"Total Pukage!"
I rented this film with a few good buddies and we fully expected to enjoy watching a lousy movie filled with unintentional comedy. Instead, what we labored our way through was 90 minutes of unwatchable garbage. The movie presents us with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, and proceeds to tell us that they are cool guys who we should enjoy. Why?! It never shows us anything cool or enjoyable about them - it just asks us to assume that. Much like when a body rejects a donated organ, we reject the very notion that they are interesting or likable individuals. Was Feldman's outfit EVER cool-looking? Even in some parallel dimension? (Also, a note to any prospective screenwriters out there, costuming jokes are NEVER funny! "Look, the sleeves of his suit are ripped off because he's on the beach!! HILARIOUS!") Corey Haim spends his time dressed like a semi-retarded homeless person and spouting off about virtual reality. Huh? Where did that character paradigm come from? If you can believe it, the movie actually becomes less watchable when the two Coreys aren't on the screen. We're presented with a villain with an annoyingly altered voice, a mermaid with an annoyingly altered voice, and an retired couple intent on wasting our time with their weary jokes. A last note, we should have realized that the movie was going to be a failure while watching the opening credits - the names are piercingly flashed at us in neon colors. It was enough to almost send me into a seizure.
People, trust me. If you're looking for a campy movie high on the unintentional comedy scale, look elsewhere. "Last Resort" only serves to p*** you off.
Biohazard: The Alien Force (1994)
Where was this on AFI's top 100 list?!
So many questions drifted through my head while watching "Biohazard: The Alien Force". Why is an alien force referenced in the title of the film, yet no aliens appear in this movie? Why does Steve Zurk, playing the protagonist Mike Reardon, look disconcertingly like David Hasslehoff's brother? Who dressed him? Why does the bed of a truck burst into flames after the vehicle bumps into a tree? Why does a rocket not markedly damage a car after a direct hit? Why do none of the characters in the movie seem to have any peripheral vision? Who created the titles and special effects, and why they ever employed to begin with? Lastly, how could this movie's production have concluded without the filmmakers hiding in exile?
This is such a sublimely awful movie it's hard to describe. There are far too many moments of unintended hilarity to describe in this short passage. Suffice to say, this film gets more laughs than just about any comedy out there you could find. I heartily recommend this film to any fan of campy cinema.
Stitches (1985)
Essentially "Animal House XIII"
"Stitches" fails on just about every level that a film can fail on. It is not clever in the least, it is visually drab, and it has literally no plot for the first 80% of the movie. Over an hour has passed before anything resembling a story structure begins to appear. The preceding hour is filled with tired 80's cliches: spying on naked girls, a sidekick whose name references a body function, and even the evil dean. There truly isn't one original concept in this movie; the main character's name is Bobby Stevens for crying out loud! (SPOILER)Suddenly, 7/8ths of the way through the film, Bobby is kicked out of school; he apparently pulled one too many not-quite-funny pranks. Obviously, he must find a way to get back into medical school (how exactly did he get into medical school in the first place?) Now I am no dimwit, but I have no idea why the events that then take place should result in him getting back into school. He participates in an abruptly introduced pageant that inturrupts the dean's big presentation. Also, of no less importance is the fact that a man literally rises from the dead with no explanation given. The fact that he does this serves to humiliates the dean, but apparently doesn't arouse the interests of medical experts at the school. Lastly, it must be said that the boom mic operator who worked on "Stitches" needs to be removed from his respective union if he hasn't been already. There were so many egregious examples of the mic poking it's way into the frame that it became the biggest laugh of the film.
I should conclude my comments by saying that while "Stitches" is a terrible, terrible film, I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit while watching it. If you're looking for a deliberately lousy, campy film littered with foolish cliches and clumsy innuendo, I'd heartily recommend checking this one out. But just so that you don't get confused, the dean DOESN'T like pranks, and Bobby Stevens DOES like to party.
Hot Dog ...The Movie (1983)
Where's the movie?
Screenwriting in the 80's must have been nice. You could write your movie, and then if you're stuck for an ending, simply introduce the concept of some athletic competition that will arbitrarily allow your protagonist to triumph. `Hot Dog
the Movie' is a nonsensical bit of garbage that is funny only when broken down to its basic elements (porn, skiing, and weary character paradigms) and then mocked unmercifully. If the extended sex scenes (particularly the random wet t-shirt scene where women are forced on stage and an orgy ensues) were removed, and the skiing montages were reduced to their essence, you'd have a solid 25-minute film. About the length of a sitcom. And no, I don't consider extended nudity or scenes of super slow-motion ski jumping to be redeeming factors.
Now to the characters. Why exactly are we supposed to empathize with Harkin after he cheats on Sunny? He then actually ensues to berate Sunny for her behavior, a nice example of the sexual double standard of this film. Then two scenes later, it's as if nothing ever happened and they're back in love. I can only assume that the film was shot out of sequence and the actors neglected to read the other parts of the script. Also, are we supposed to like Sunny? Why? Because she got kicked out of another guy's truck? Hell, I would have kicked her out of my vehicle; she spends half the movie being snotty to everybody. No, my guess, given this movie's moral code, is that we're supposed to like her because we've seen her breasts.
I enjoy b-movies quite a bit, but I really couldn't bring myself to enjoy `Hot Dog
the Movie'. There just wasn't enough movie in it, just sex, random athletic endeavors, and jerks.
Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)
"Hey look! We're being funny! LOOK!!"
`Hamburger The Motion Picture' is like an annoying friend who cracks a joke, and then spends the next five minutes explaining why it was funny. The movie's gags are tediously long, and intrinsically unfunny to begin with (The helicopter is out of control! Look at how funny it is when it spins! Continue looking as it spins for 7 minutes!) I will grant that several of the jokes in the first 20 minutes of the film made me chuckle, but far too many overstayed their welcome, or had such bile that they were uncomfortable. The scene with Russell and his parents was a good example of this. It's one thing to have frustratingly strict parents, but his parents were filled with murderous rage the effect is unnerving. Racist jokes are also littered throughout, as well as the proposition that overweight people mindless, filthy animals. In addition, this film narrowly escapes soft core porn status the amount of preposterously horny women in the film is amazing.
Now, I realize that I'm being picky. The fact of the matter is, I enjoyed myself quite a bit while watching `Hamburger.' It's intriguing to see how money can be spent on the movie's several expensive sequences, and still remain so hopelessly dreary. It's funny to examine how so many jokes go so wrong and how so much effort and energy goes into performances that remain unwatchable (the nerd character is a good example. This is a very worthy entry into my list of favorite b-movies.
Snowballing (1987)
Too tame to be any fun
"Snowballing" is a movie with a lot of camp potential, unfortunately it seems to aspire to be something more. No chance, guys, sorry. It's spring break, and a busload of "kids" (creepily played by 20-somethings) have arrived for a week on the slopes, and a vaguely defined competition. All the character paradigms are here. We've got the wacky jokester, well played by Steven Tash (who also had a small but memorable role in "Ghostbusters" as the student who gets shocked), the two everymen, the jock with blow-dried hair, the pretty girl, the pretty girl's fat friend, and scores of irrationally horny women, and even the movie artwork featuring an illustration of the guys surrounded by the said horny women. All the ingredients for a great campy film are here, but then the movie wastes it's time with a subplot about corruption within the local resort ownership and law enforcement. These scenes grind the movie to a halt. Fortunately, there are still moments of awful brilliance, the pretty girl's overweight friend character, Bonnie, is a joke. She's content to live vicariously through her pretty friend not for any real reason, but because the screenwriter didn't have the guts to pair her up with somebody. It's also a treat to see the the impossibilities that the movie uses to tie up the plot neatly. I won't get into specifics, but it requires the suspension of the known laws of physics, medicine, and human behavior. If you're looking for a film that's so bad it's good, I'd look elsewhere. "Snowballing" takes itself too seriously to be any fun; it just doesn't know it's role.
Classic Albums: U2: The Joshua Tree (1999)
A wonderful, insightful documentary
This Classic Albums feature on The Joshua Tree is a fantastic look into the production of the legendary album. The new interviews with Bono, the Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen, Daniel Lanois, Brian Eno, and Flood are very warm and filled with personality and information. The highlights are the conversations with Edge, where he plays guitar along with "With or Without You", discussing his favorite guitar moments on the song, and when he shares the original demo of "Where the Streets Have No Name" produced in his home. Daniel Lanois (producer) shares his favorite instrumental moments, and Bono seems actually humble throughout (an amazing feat, it must have been done in editing). This DVD is definitely worth checking out.
U2: Rattle and Hum (1988)
Fantastic for what it is
As a concert documentary, "Rattle and Hum" is second to none; however, as a movie it doesn't quite make the grade. It is widely understood that it was a mistake for U2 to hype this as a cinematic experience equal to a great narrative film; there's no story and sadly, little insight to the personalities and music-making process of U2. However, what "Rattle and Hum" DOES provide is a brilliant look at the communally emotional experience that U2 provides in concert. The cinematography is absolutely outstanding, and the sound is glorious (Bad and Where the Streets Have No Name shine in particular). This film in retrospect operates as a wonderfully produced, engaging snapshot of the band in the late 80's, before the U2 of the 90's emerged. It's a must-see for any fans of U2, and fans of legendary music by legendary bands.
Safe Men (1998)
A good film made better
"Safe Men" is one of those movies with an above-average screenplay made great by the comedic talents of the actors involved. Paul Giamatti as Veal Chop in particular shines in this film. Chop's hilarious stabs at "cool" dialogue are wonderfully magnified by Giamatti's staccato delivery. Steve Zahn again proves his worth as a comedic actor, (SPOILER) in particular during the first heist where Eddie and Sam are caught in the act by the victim's oddly beguiling daughter, where he must be awkward, pitiful, and angry all at once. Add these great performances in with a very quirky, amicable batch of characters (the pathetically lovelorn Sam, the mustache-growing safe-cracker Frank, and the absolutely mystifying Cousin Ira) and you have a thoroughly enjoyable and touching comedy.
Demon Wind (1990)
What happened here?!
I've seen this movie about 6 or 7 times, and it truly gets funnier every time. Perhaps what I enjoy most is the tired character paradigms that the movie offers us: the somber all-American male protagonist, his blonde girlfriend, the theater nerd with glasses, a brunette girl, the antagonistic jock, and brunette girl #2. However, we're then presented with two magician martial arts experts with mullets driving a convertible. If anyone can explain that, please contact me. Among other highlights are Bobby Johnston's portrayal of the jock character, Dell, and his trademark line, "That's why I keep her around." In watching Johnston's performance, it comes as no surprise that his career quickly descended into the realm of soft-core porn. (SPOILER) Also, after multiple viewings, I STILL have absolutely no idea what that big demon at the end says at any point; it's just electronically muffled noises. Oh well, that's probably for the better. And lastly, why are all the demons so slippery? Is wet skin scarier? It certainly didn't help in this film.
Ernest Goes to School (1994)
Uh...not quite.
People, let's not get carried away praising this movie. I, too, have been known to enjoy the "Ernest" films, but this one was weak, at best. First and foremost, it had the production quality of a "Saved by the Bell" season finale. It's almost embarrassing to watch some of the gags and the canned music that accompanies it. No, check that, it IS embarrassing to witness many parts of this movie. That football game at the end of the movie existed so far outside the known laws of physics that no gag contained within that sequence could be funny; it could only come across as desperate. Sorry, Jim Varney, rest in peace. But seriously dude, what made it ok for you to do this movie?
Party Camp (1987)
If you don't laugh at it, it will become painful
I love these awful 80's summer camp movies. The best part about "Party Camp" is the fact that it literally has no plot. It simply drops a weak batch of "characters" into a location and then things occasionally happen. The cliches here are limitless (SPOILERS): the nerds vs. the jocks, the secret camera in the girls locker room, the hikers happening upon a nudist colony, the contest at the conclusion, the secretly horny camp administrators, and the embarrassingly foolish sexual innuendo littered throughout. The only cliche missing is the presence of Corey Feldman. This movie will make you laugh, but never intentionally. I repeat, NEVER. A final note, be prepared to bust a gut watching the nonsense that is the "dramatic" scene where Jerry Riviera and D.A. share a beer late at night, spilling their guts to each other. The dialogue literally makes no sense, and the acting belongs on a high-school stage. It's a classic.