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A Christmas Story (1983)
Oh Fudge!
List all the classic American Christmas movies and they're pretty much all well known in the UK. Classics here too, shown every year. For whatever reasons, this is one that just slipped through the net here. I don't ever recall seeing it on tv growing up. I'd be surprised if it was never shown, it probably just doesn't air much because nobody has ever heard of it. I only saw it for the first time a few years ago, on a streaming service. I was amazed that here was a really popular 1980s Christmas movie, yet i'd never even heard of it!
It doesn't really resonate with me as much as it no doubt does to many Americans, but it's a fun watch. Not sure when exactly it is set, i'd guess sometime around the 1940s. I suspect the main reason it wasn't shown here much (if at all) is the story revolving around a BB gun. I think BB guns were a "thing" here during WW2, i've seen tv and movies set here around then where kids were playing wit them, but probably were frowned upon in the 1980s if not actually illegal. We're all used to hunters (Elmer Fudd etc) having guns, a 9 year old kid with a gun is probably a step too far for family tv. Of course, it could also just be that nobody here eats meatloaf, uses lifebuoy soap or about a hundred other things referenced that are almost completely American. It's hard enough to get nostalgic about things that stopped being a thing 30 years before you were born, but even harder when they've never been a thing in your country ever!
Whatever the reasons, it's a bit of a shame this film is largely unheard of here. Be sure to drink your ovaltine is hilarious. No idea if that was an actual thing, but it's the type of dirty lowdown trick companies play on kids! Raise your hopes for something exciting, oh..it;s just a crummy commercial! It's truly epic when Ralphie beats up the bully. I can definitely get behind that. Some people, even kids, deserve a good bit of karma.
On the Rocks (2020)
Lost in Translation 2: The Snoozening
Essentially just a remake of Lost in Translation, except "the girl" is Bill Murray's daughter this time and everybody is in New York so pretty much nothing happens except somebody buys a watch. All the interesting and funny bits have been replaced by utter drivel being portrayed as intellectual life analysis. In fairness, if i hadn't already seen this exact same movie about a hundred times already, quite often with Bill Murray or Jack Nicholson in them playing the exact same character, it may have been worthwhile watching. As it is, it's just a boring clone with barely anything going for it.
It's the type of guff that will likely be blindly lauded by certain critics and amateur psychologists, but has all the substance of a cup-a-soup. The ending reminds me so much of Tales of the Unexpected, as in the ending isn't remotely unexpected.
None of the actors put a foot wrong, in fact the funniest thing about the movie is how seriously they take it all. Like they're in a proper movie, not some pointless half-baked soap opera Sunday afternoon schedule filler. Bill Murray is a legend, but it's pretty safe to say he will leave this one off his cv.
Steptoe and Son Ride Again (1973)
An underrated diamond ring in the manure
Yes, i know the ring in the manure scene is from the first movie but i couldn't resist. The first film is ok, if a bit uninspiring. It has it's moments. But the second film is peak Steptoe. I must have seen it a hundred times, but it's still great to put on and chill out to.
With a lot of the series episodes disappointingly only surviving as really poor quality home recordings, plus the Christmas specials being butchered on the official dvd, Steptoe and Son Ride Again stands as one of the most enjoyabe highlights from the entire show.
A real shame that there were no more movies, so many good ideas were possible. The Desperate Hours and Divided We Stand would have made excellent feature length movies. As great as they are, 30 minutes feels a bit of a waste of pure comedy gold.
Only Fools & Horses and One Foot in the Grave would later (re) prove that you can easily stretch out a sitcom to an hour or more without it feeling slow. The longer format allows a comedy show to breathe, or at least it does if you do it well. Steptoe and Son Ride Again and the Porridge movie were earlier examples of how it can work a real treat. 94 minutes flies by when you're having fun!
Doctor Who: Arachnids in the UK (2018)
Hasn't Sheffield suffered enough already?
Sean Bean acting like a complete blueberry muffin in tea commercials, the mockery of The Full Monty, a load of Mancunians (because hey nobody can tell northern accents apart right?) pretending to be Sheffielders watching the whole world blowing up in Threads. Now we have to put up with Jodie Whittaker being chased around Park Hill flats by mutant spiders.
It was bad enough some chinless wonder in a suit deciding the most hideous block of flats this side of Belarus couldn't be demolished because they were "Grade II Listed", we have to have them paraded on tv like a 1980s teasmade on Bullseye!
We have more trees than any other city in the whole of Europe, we have golf courses. Couldn't they have her running around chasing spiders on the 14th tee? Oh no, that doesn't make Sheffield look enough like a scene out of Children of Men does it! Oh and to top it all off, it's also the worst episode of Doctor Who ever made. Which is quite a remarkable achievement in itself, since every episode in the last 3 years has been a steaming pile of Hotspur.
Last of the Summer Wine (1973)
A real mixed bag
I shall start by saying that this is coming from someone who grew up with this show and pretty much hated it. The twee theme tune, the boring conversations, the dreadfully unfunny moments. That said, i still have the odd memory of laughing my head off at Compo getting into scrapes, such as rolling down the hill in a tin bath and dressing up as Santa.
As a massive fan of older comedy and British sitcoms, this is one show i have steadfastly declined to revisit. Until now. I'll never watch every episode, it would take me forever, but i have watched a fair chunk of them recently. I started from the beginning, what ididn't realise wes that the "original trio" weren't actually the original trio!
First 2 series, Foggy isn't even in it. I still liked it a lot more than later episodes though. The "boring conversations" were actually pretty interesting to a now middle-aged viewer. No question, it hits it's stride properly when Foggy comes along. There's a real chemistry between that trio. I'd forgotten all about Sid too. I think the show really dropped off a cliff when Sid and then Foggy departed.
I can now vaguely remember the actor who played Sid dying and being sad about it, even though i was very young at the time, so he was clearly one of my favourites in those early years. Viewing now, it's clear to me that the show was actually a lot better than i remembered it. That is...until Sid was "replaced" by a whole raft of unremittingly awful characters.
Nothing against the actors, but the characters of Howard, Marina and Pearl for me were never even remotely funny or interesting and still aren't now. It's essentially one (not very funny) joke, dragged out for an eternity. It's pretty much a rehash of the librarians in the first series and that wasn't funny either. I can now pinpoint that as the moment i started hating the show. Foggy then left (although would later return) and the temptation to then turn it into "The Compo Half Hour Farce" was clearly too strong to resist.
Some great actors then followed, i've always liked Brian Murphy especially from his Man About the House and George & Mildred days. Definitely there are some golden moments still to be had, but far too often they are ruined by the ridiculous caricatures of the peripheral characters.
Once it stopped being about the friendship of the main trio, it just slipped into rubbish sitcom territory. I can now at least see why it's loved by so many. At it's best, with the trio walking in the countryside and having pointless but humorous conversations, it's a lovely sweet relaxing watch. But pretty much all of the secondary characters, apart from the excellent Sid and often genuinely funny Ivy, seem to be just written to be as annoying as possible. Totally goes against the grain of the show. First 7 series 7.5/10, the rest 4/10 if that.
Private Benjamin (1980)
Not the movie i remembered
Often i watch movies i remember from my youth, but haven't seen in decades, and i'm pleasantly surprised at how good i still find them. Unfortunately, this isn't one of those. I suspect like many people, in my mind Private Benjamin is a hilarious movie about a wealthy, attractive and precious woman totally out of her comfort zone after being conned into joining the army. In reality, that plot only lasts about 45 minutes. Those 45 minutes are really very funny at times, but the rest of the movie is a complete mess of 80's ideals and feminism and frankly spectacularly boring. It all comes straight from the Disney Frozen playbook of making all the wrong choices, blaming men in your life for it, then calling that empowering. Absolutely hilarious that the screenplay got nominated for an Oscar.
Only worth watching for the first 45 minutes, Goldie Hawn and Eileen Brennan. After that, it's a Wrigley's Extra "Time to Shine" commercial somehow stretched out to an hour.
ITV Sport: EFL Highlights (2022)
Spectacularly boring
Same dull formula of showing about 45 seconds of each match, with awful cringeworthy pun-laden "commentary", followed by waffling about nothing for 5 minutes then going for an advert break. Only much much worse, with the dullest most humourless presenters and "pundits" they could possibly find.
Colin Murray and the rest did their best to make a poor product watchable on Quest, ITV have just gone down the "make it as boring as humanly possible" route. And the dreadful saxomophone theme tune can get right in the bin.
How little effort goes into these shows is incredible. You could improve it ten-fold, just by hiring Roland Rat to present it and have Chris Wilder lying on a sofa drinking a pina colada in his beach-ready budgie smugglers and flip-flops.
Football Focus (2001)
Absolute rubbish tv
Incredible that the show is an hour long and they manage to cram in literally nothing of any interest. It used to be boring, now it's fluff and boring.
I can watch it for an hour and there's literally nothing interesting in it. I really don't care what Ellen White's favourite opera is. That's all FF is these days. About 5 or 6 pointless fluff pieces, somehow stretched out to an hour. It's all filler, the entire hour.
When i think back to how wonderful Saint & Greavsie was. They actually had goals from midweek matches and previews of the weekends games. They had actual insight and humour, not just random ex pros with no charm or charisma smiling and giggling over nothing. Even compare it to the current BBC NFL Show, which is a million times better than FF.
Bel-Air (2022)
There's only one Will Smith
Modern tv doesn't really do humour or fun. If they "re-imagined" The Simpsons today, Homer would be sacked for sexual harrassment, Bart would be a crack addict, Lisa getting groomed online by Groundskeeper Willie and Apu shot dead in a Squishee robbery. All in the first episode. So this "re-imagining" Bel Air was never going to be anything remotely like the original.
I can see this being popular with the demographic it is aimed at. The writing seems really good, the acting is solid all round. The only real thing missing is a lead actor with the charm of Will Smith. But then, there is only one Will Smith. Pretty solid 6/10 tv show that i admit i personally got bored with after 3 episodes, but i can see it being an 8 for a younger audience than me. One of the better modern tv shows i have bothered watching. Would be really harsh comparing it to a crazy fun original with one of the most charming actors of a generation. Or of any generation really.
Tales of the Unexpected: My Lady Love, My Dove (1980)
Tales of the Why Even Bother?
I've started watching them all, not in any real order, this is the 32nd episode I've seen so far and it's probably the worst of the lot. Alot of them are bad, but in a good way. This one is just a waste of ink and paper. No proper story, no twist, no drama. The type of guff you write on a beermat when you've been given two hours to come up with a plot at the last minute.
The only funny thing is watching the actors. They're actually acting! Presumably they read the script, but still acted like it was an Oscar-worthy movie, even though they must have realised how pointless the whole project was. A fantastic level of commitment that you just don't see anymore.
Santa Inc. (2021)
Mind-blowingly dreadful TV
As both a.liberal and an atheist, i would ask the people involved in this disgrace "Who exactly is this made for?". If the likes of Seth Rogen and Sarah Silverman are supposed to be liberal icons, then we may as well all just turn it in and get ready for the apocalypse.
I know "Woke" is used as an insult, but the basic premise of liberalism is supposed to be believing in equality. There is nothing about small penis jokes, making out like white men are inherently evil and little girls should have the automatic right to just run everything that makes feminists look like they believe in equality. It isn't remotely "edgy" either. It just makes you look pathetic. We've heard this rubbish from overpaid overprivileged banal celebrity nobodies non-stop for 20 years now.
I feel pretty ridiculous being in this situation, i find myself having to agree with people who hate liberals. I don't often agree with them, but these "left-wing" lunatics leave me open-mouthed, shaking my head in bewilderment. Look yourself in the mirror. What on earth are you doing here?
Everybody should be equal. Which means we all have to deserve what we achieve, not handed it on a plate just because it's "our turn". Equality means respecting other peoples beliefs, even if you think they are wrong. Get off your multi-millionaire soap box, grow up and live in the real world. Everybody is sick to death of hearing your whining now.
And how exactly does Seth Rogen still get work? One trick pony who was vaguely funny for about 5 minutes when we were all too young to understand what comedy really was. If he wasn't getting work, he would be the shouty man that all the kids are scared of. Living in a dirty shack, windows so filthy that you can't even see through them, surrounded by old newspapers and bottles of his own urine.
Joker (2019)
Shockingly Good Movie
I'm not a huge fan of superhero movies, i'm one of the admittedly very few people who doesn't much like The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger was terrific in it, i just didn't get on with the movie, got bored halfway through and i've never bothered watching TDKR as a result. My favourite Batman movie is still the 1989 one, by quite a distance. So i went into watching Joker, half expecting to hate it. But it's spectacularly good from start to finish. Proper edge of the seat stuff.
The pacing is 100% spot on to a huge Hitchcock fan like me. I find a lot of modern blockbuster movies to feel too rushed, usually with far too many action scenes that add nothing to the story. Lots of style over substance. But for me, Joker hits the mark in every aspect. Every scene feels crucial to the plot, vital to explaining what events shaped Joker to be the clown he is today! Nothing feels fake or forced. No endless boring action scenes, or over-stylized pointless fluff, squeezed in to pander to a modern audience. The writing is perfect to the point of insanity. Violent, yes. But not unnecessarily so in my opinion. This is the Joker after all, not Mary Poppins.
I Am Greta (2020)
Greta sees it like it is
When i was around 12 years old, i used to think adults were idiots. Then when i grew up, i realised i was right! I'm 47 now but i completely get where she is coming from. This ability to see things so clearly, that most people either just can't see or don't want to see. I'm not on the autistic spectrum, but i am an Asexual man in a misandrist world that frankly makes no sense to me. I firmly believe that when something is stripped away from your mindset, it makes everything else easier to see clearly.
Don't misunderstand me, i am not trying to compare myself to Greta. Greta is a one off, her drive is utterly awe-inspiring to me. She shows up politicians so badly, it's actually hilarious. Her mind is a little simplistic, but that's a compliment. She processes problems so quickly, it reduces the need for complications. I've always had people think i don't understand instructions, because i just say yes. I don't feel the need to give a 2 hour response to show i understand. I get it already!
It's like watching a Chess Grandmaster at work. That's the right move, no discussions, arguments, graphs or diagrams required! Politicians are always "trying" and "considering" and "going to" do things. How about just get things done? Most things are actually incredibly straightforward, if you just open your eyes.
It was a real treat seeing her life, although i really fear for her mental future, the amount of bullying she constantly receives. I found myself crying at times, i just want her to know that there are many people out there who admire her so much. I'm not vegan, i don't do protests, i've never really given the environment much thought. I blindly eat meat and try not to think about where it came from. I have no faith in humanity anymore, i have no energy left to even try. I'm just a broken shell, filling my time up with pointless movies, lego and video games to waste my time until i die. This world has taken my spirit and hope away from me. But what i do know is, if more people were like Greta, then the world would be a much better place. Be more Greta.
Jojo Rabbit (2019)
The masterpiece i wasn't expecting
I had very little interest in watching this, because from all the marketing i was led to believe it was a farcical comedy. Comedy is one of my favourite genres, but modern comedy movies are usually incredibly unfunny and puerile. I was expecting Hitler to spend all his time breaking wind and getting into "hilarious" scrapes.
But the film is nothing like that at all. I wouldn't even call it a comedy, because there is barely anything funny about it. Sure, there are a few mildly amusing moments, but i didn't actually laugh once through the entire movie. It reminded me of another WW2 masterpiece, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Jojo is definitely a lot more light hearted a film, but it's still a dark and serious warning about how easily humans are manipulated.
I would say anybody expecting satire, will probably be disappointed. To me, there is no satire of note. Not unless you view portraying (imaginary) Hitler as a maniac and the ideology of demonising and subsequently murdering people for no reason whatsoever as satire. It's not satire unless there is something seriously wrong with you, it's just reality of the insane situation.
I'm not sure if the end result is how it was supposed to turn out, but whether intentional or not, it's a genuine masterpiece. It's also very rare for a movie about the holocaust to portray the reality of Jewish people being strong. They had to be, they had no choice.
It doesn't take strength to be a sheep and blindly follow the populist view. That is a sign of weakness. It doesn't take strength to destroy out of anger. It doesn't take strength to hide behind weapons and uniforms. The Nazis were the biggest cowards in history and it's something that is usually ignored in film.
Carry on Christmas (1969)
Scripted the fun out of it
Far too many overly long lines, poems and speeches shoe-horned into it, to be consistently enjoyable. Such a shame, as you can see the actors are right at their peak. Frankie Howerd is absolutely sparkling and he provides pretty much the only fun in the show. Hattie Jacques and Babs Windsor are ruined by the script, they have so much to remember it's like they're just reading a prescription label.
The writers have clearly never heard of the phrase "less is more". Frankie got more laughs out of a simple "ooh" or "aah", than all the boring rhymes that you can see the actors are finding a chore themselves.
The Carry On movies are so enjoyable, because of the laid back attitude. This just tries to squeeze in far too much and it suffocates most of the fun out of it.
Steptoe and Son (1962)
Hilarious and thought-provoking tragicomedy with uneven writing
The best episodes are up there with the finest television ever created, they are well crafted pieces of art. The acting of Harry H. Corbett and Wilfrid Brambell is superb throughout the entire run. You really get the feeling of frustration and claustrophobia of Harold's situation. He is a winner, trapped inside a loser's life, with no way of escaping.
Albert loves his son, but his desperation to not lose his only companion in life causes him to destroy Harold's life and dreams. He's terrified of Harold achieving anything, so he constantly puts him down to keep him at his level.
Harold despises his father, but knows he will always be stuck with him out of blind loyalty. He knows all his dreams of escaping are just futile fantasy.
Why uneven writing? Some of the episodes are ridiculous and/or just plain boring. A few of these are in the final series, where the writers seem to have run out of ideas. Which seems really strange, as the previous series had stellar episodes such as "The Desperate Hours", "Divided We Stand" and "Men of Letters".
It's easy to dismiss Steptoe and Son as just another sitcom, but those three episodes could act as a masterclass of comedy on their own. Not many shows that you could say that about, only Seinfeld and Fawlty Towers spring to mind.
Going Straight (1978)
Still Doin' Porridge
Until I bought the DVD, I'd never even heard of this sequel nevermind seen it.
I was too young to see this when it originally aired and although I had seen Porridge on tv numerous times, i don't recall this ever being repeated. It's a real shame, because it's right up there with Porridge for me. I always put Porridge in my top 2 or 3 sitcoms of all time. When doing so, I forget that this series isn't actually Porridge. To me, it still is Porridge.
The first episode is absolutely essential and it's a crime in itself that many people have never even seen it. It's great to see McKay and Fletch on an even footing and it bookends the series with the pilot perfectly.
The other episodes aren't quite up to that standard, but they still have Fletch, Godber and plenty of jokes and philosophy that made the original series so great et cetera et cetera. Also, it has one of the best theme tunes ever! Once you hear it, you'll be singing it in the shower and making your neighbours think you're an ex-con! Such a shame that most people probably don't even know this series exists. It's easily the second best thing Ronnie B ever did.
The Fugitive (1963)
A "classic" that is actually better than it's made out to be
I'm pretty used to watching "classic" TV or movies, then being a little underwhelmed by it all. What immediately spring to mind are The Prisoner and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, both of which i watched recently. They're alright, but i never really had the feeling that i absolutely HAVE to watch the next episode.
Don't get me wrong, i don't like modern TV much at all. Most TV i watch, is 1980's or earlier. But often the things that critics rave over, leave me a little cold. I love Hitchcock movies, but the movie buffs' lovechild Vertigo wouldn't even crack my top 10.
Until recently i had never seen The Fugitive at all, not so much as a clip, although i have seen the movie with Harrison Ford many times and was aware that the TV series existed. The series is currently being shown on UK TV for the first time in living memory, I wasn't born when the show originally aired. Unfortunately, I missed the first few episodes so i hope they go back to the start when it's finished.
Currently it's airing midway through season two and every episode i have seen so far is utterly gripping! Really genuinely surprised by it's quality. Obviously it has that great simplicity that modern TV never seems to replicate. It focuses on the stories and relies on acting ability. Those things are almost a given when watching classic shows, but hardly ever have i seen a show that is this good in every respect. The only TV show of a similar vintage i could even think to compare it to, is the original Twilight Zone. It really is that good. If there is a better (non sci-fi) TV drama series, then I've never seen it.
The Old Guys (2009)
Very watchable despite it's flaws
There's no doubt that the laughter is a little more "vigorous" than the material requires. But i wouldn't say it ruins the show. What lets it down a bit, is the overuse of other characters. This had the real potential to be a modern day Odd Couple, but the minor characters are pretty poor, they just don't gel right at all. Something i think has plagued sitcoms for a long while now.
A great sitcom needs all the characters to fit, even the minor ones that only appear in one or two episodes. Somewhere in time, the attention to detail has been lost. Katherine Parkinson plays the exact same character as in The I.T. Crowd. Really don't think it works. Two maniacal main characters needed a more calming foil in mjy opinion. See Saffy in AbFab, Alice and Hugo in Vicar of Dibley. Not every character in a sitcom needs to be permanently wound-up, ready to explode.
Roger Lloyd-Pack and Clive Swift are excellent and work together well, though i would have had Clive a little calmer too. It all gets a bit too chaotic and ranty at times. Having more sedate routine scenes, like in One Foot in the Grave, makes the rants all the more funny when they come along. The best sitcoms feel natural, The Old Guys never quite feels believable enough. That said, i think it still holds up as a very decent watch.
The Likely Lads (1976)
An Lost Classic in a Sea of Sitcom Films
It's all too easy to get lost in the trend for sitcom films that ran through the 70's and 80's in the UK. But The Likely Lads will always stand out to me, as the finest example of it's type. Its cheerful 70's sitcom trappings hide a wonderfully written journey that captures that moment everybody goes through in life. When we question our entire existence. Then realise the only sensible solution is to put a frozen lasagne in the oven and pour a Newcastle Brown Ale into a dimpled pint glass with a handle.
"In the chocolate box of life, the top layer's already gone. And someone's pinched the orange creme from the bottom."
Rocketman (2019)
Quality musical for non Elton fans too
I've never been a massive fan of musicals. I loved The Wizard of Oz as a kid, quite like The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Little Shop of Horrors and Grease, but that was about it. But the recent trend of more modern feeling musicals, (such as The Greatest Showman) that don't just burst into random songs for no obvious reason, has revived my interest in the genre.
I've also never been fond of Elton John's music. It's always been there in the background, like supermarket music. Inoffensive but nothing to get interested about. However, i found this to be a really good watch. I loved Egerton in Eddie the Eagle and he hits the same heights here.
I now realise the reason i've never been interested in Elton John. He has become a caricature of himself. I know Elton has had numerous health issues, so i don't want to sound mean about his singing, but in truth i just don't think he's a very good singer. The stardust is the songs and they are much better written than i would ever have thought. The (censored) is Back and Tiny Dancer are particular highlights. I imagine Elton was a much better singer in his younger years and i now feel much more appreciative of his talents. I wish i could go back in time to be at one of those early days concerts. I'm sure they were magical.
His songs sound so different with a fresh, youthful, more subtle voice singing them. I think the film pays a wonderful tribute to Elton's musical talents, without the over the top singing he has become known for.
The human element comes across very well too, without dragging a fun, upbeat movie into depression. I had a similar childhood, parents that many Britons of a certain vintage can relate to. Also Matthew Illesley is a potential star in the making, he reminds me of a young Ernie Wise. A born showman.
V (1983)
A warning tale of fascism and propaganda
V is only really secondary a sci-fi, it's primarily a movie (split into 2 parts) about fascism. The scene where the good cop questions the fascist cop, then effectively shrugs his shoulders, is just as relevant today as it ever was. A good person that lets bad things happen, is just as complicit as the bad person doing it. Today we still hear possibly the worst line ever uttered by humans, "I was only following orders".
What use are the police, military, elected (and unelected) officials, if all they do is blindly follow orders? Until people learn to not just think for themselves, but also take responsibility for their own actions, humanity is doomed to repeat the same mistakes forever.
Make no mistake, this is also a wonderful sci-fi movie too, but it has so much human depth to it that propels it way above your "average yarn with added tales of morality". I have no hesitation in calling V the greatest sci-fi of all-time. It's almost criminal how forgotten it is, compared to vastly inferior movies, probably mainly due to sitting in that awkward spot between movies and tv.