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Kronos (1957)
The 'Independence Day' of the fifties
Having been a regular cinema goer in the nineties, I was 'treated' to the delights of such cinema epics like 'Independence Day.' I guess that in 1957 'Kronos' must have been a showstopper and been the 'ultimate' alien invasion film of its day. It was directed by Kurt Neumann and follows a team of scientists as they try and thwart an alien energy machine which is intent on draining Earth's resources.
What sets 'Kronos' apart is its towering titular antagonist which is a giant, metallic, pulsating machine that's menacing without having to resort to the modern day trope of a 'sky-beam' attacking a city. Watching it now, it's impossible not to admire the ambitious special effects which were totally 'CGI-free' which bring Kronos to life. Okay, so the acting is what you'd expect from the fifties and packed with mid-century science-speak, making the performances kind of kitch by today's standards.
If you're thinking of watching it today then you need to appreciate the nostalgic sweet spot in cinema history that gave birth to it. It's a reminder of a time when science fiction was a playground for big ideas, even if the budget couldn't quite match the ambition. It's not a flawless film, but its vintage charm and cultural significance make it worth revisiting for anyone who appreciates old-school sci-fi. I'm kind of used to films having 'environmental messages' woven into them today, but I was surprised to see that kind of theme all the way back in the fifties.
Maneater (2022)
Nothing new, but not bad
The killer shark genre is nothing new - especially as the 'grand-daddy' of the genre ('Jaws') was released all the way back in the seventies. Yet 'Maneater' manages to just about keep things interesting with its straightforward thrills. Sure, the premise of a man-eating shark terrorizing a group of beachgoers is nothing groundbreaking, yet there's a certain charm in the simplicity of its execution.
This definitely isn't the next 'Jaws,' but if you're looking for an easy, no-frills thriller to stream then 'Maneater' is surprisingly watchable. What sets this film apart from the many shark movies that came before is the presence of Trace Adkins. Playing an older, grizzled local with a vendetta against the shark, Adkins brings a welcome touch of maturity and gravitas to a cast that otherwise feels like classic "monster-fodder." His character gives the film a bit more weight, and his screen presence stands out against the younger, thrill-seeking crew. Although props to the younger lead actress who I'd never seen before, but kind of looked like Cameron Diaz from some angles.
Of course, no matter how good the cast is (and how many excuses they seem to make to go into the dangerous water!) it's the shark that everyone has come to see. And, for a B-movie, the monster is in it a fair amount. And, maybe it was because I happened to be watching this film on my phone while at the gym, but the creature looked quite passable in terms of special effects.
In the end 'Maneater' might not be a cinematic masterpiece, but never really tries to be anything more than a fun, occasionally tense thriller that does just enough to keep you watching. If you're a fan of the genre or simply looking for something easy to stream, this one's worth a bite.
The Bell Keeper (2023)
Actually not that bad
There are so many low budget horror films on streaming serviced these days, I don't bother reviewing the majority of them because I can't actually be bothered to watch them all the way through. At first glance, 'The Bell Keeper' seemed like it may be just another one of those that I turned off after about half an hour.
It opens with the typical horror setup: a group of friends (one of which always struck me of a young-ish Edward Furlong - if you know your 'Terminator 2' cast!) stumbles upon a dark legend, strange happenings ensue, and we're thrust into a familiar formula of haunted woods at night. The start is serviceable, with just enough suspense to keep you watching, though you may feel you've seen it all before. But surprisingly, midway through, 'The Bell Keeper' throws in a bit of a curve ball - I thought it was going one way when it actually goes another.
Instead of trudging through predictable tropes, it veers into (slightly!) fresher territory, offering an unexpectedly engaging take that may just keep you invested. This change in direction at least does a little more to make the movie stand out from the sea of horror films that struggle to maintain any originality. The film balances a new twist on its mythos with solid character moments, ultimately creating an atmosphere that is intriguing enough to finish. It may not be groundbreaking or a must-see, but it's refreshingly watchable - especially in a genre overflowing with unwatchable entries. If you're in the mood for a horror movie that tries something different, even if it doesn't always succeed, 'The Bell Keeper' is worth a watch (and, is it just me, or were the film-makers hoping this would become some sort of franchise?).
Viral (2016)
Tip: Just watch the final act
'Viral' is a 2016 horror-thriller that, despite not technically being a zombie film, adheres closely to the genre's familiar tropes. Instead of the undead we have the more ('28 Days Later' style) 'infected' who can run and chase down our helpless human teens. This time it's a worm-like parasitic outbreak which can take over the host and make them basically behave like a zombie.
The story follows two sisters trying to survive in their small suburban town which is slowly succumbing to the infection. The movie ticks off all the standard elements: quarantine zones, escalating paranoia, infected friends and neighbours and, finally, the gradual breakdown of society. The biggest drawback, however, is that 'Viral' takes its time getting going when it comes to the action. The first two-thirds are light on tension, with sparse sightings of the infected. This keeps the horror at bay but also slows down the pacing. Instead of ramping up the dread, it feels like the movie is treading water, making it hard to stay invested in the film (yes, I wanted to check my social media on my phone many a time during the first hour!).
The final act does pick things up, bringing in more action, confrontation and a few decent enough scenes of horror. But. By then, it feels like a case of too little, too late. Although 'Viral' does have its moments and is reasonably well-shot, the slow build-up dampens the impact of what could have been a more gripping story.
Triggered (2020)
The title made me laugh
'Triggered' is quite a nice idea for a film, or at least it would be if the 'Saw' franchise had never existed. A group of friends wake up in the woods with timed explosives strapped to their chests, each device linked to the wearer's remaining life span. The man responsible tells them that only one can survive, before he promptly removes himself from the 'game.'
If you're in the mood for a lesser version of one of the 'Saw' films-complete with twisted rules and the fight-for-survival tension-you might find that 'Triggered' scratches that itch. Unfortunately, while 'Triggered' has a nice title which makes me smile whenever I think of how it relates to the story, overall the way it plays out is not really that spectacular.
There's not a lot of creativity when it comes to 'eliminating' each character and therefore also to keep the audience guessing. The deaths themselves are surprisingly uninspired, and once the basic setup is clear, the plot offers little more than watching each character run through their doomed fate. As a result, it can feel one-note, leaving the title itself as possibly the cleverest element of the whole movie.
In the end, 'Triggered' doesn't quite reach the heights of even the weakest 'Saw' entry, nor does it offer enough fresh twists to stand out in the survival horror genre. For fans in need of a quick, albeit shallow, fix of deadly thrills, it might be a passable watch.
Dark Star (1974)
Dry, dark and the template for so much to come
Despite being a massive fan of John Carpenter's work, it's somehow taken me until 2024 to get round to watching his sci-fi/horror-comedy 'Dark Star.' I'd heard it was good, but didn't really know what to expect. First of all I should mention that it's very low-budget, but you'll soon appreciate that that becomes part of its charm and its gained a cult following for such reasons.
Directed and scored by John Carpenter and co-written by Dan ('Alien!') O'Bannon, 'Dark Star' mixes absurdist humor (talking bombs and inflatable monsters), tension, and genuine dread. It's like a quirky prototype for future sci-fi and horror films that would become iconic in their own right. It has plenty of isolation, malfunctioning technology and dread aboard a spaceship that's on a mission to destroy unstable planets. Now I've seen it I can see where movies like 'Alien' and TV shows like 'Red Dwarf' got their inspiration.
But what makes 'Dark Star' shine is its unpredictable humor (did I mention the talking bombs?) and unique tone. The crew are even more lethargic and eccentric after years of monotony in deep space than the boys from 'Red Dwarf' and are hilariously deadpan as they confront increasingly bizarre and dangerous situations. The film's general creative strangeness (probably at least partially due to the film-makers having to make the most of their low budget) that makes this film memorable. For fans of sci-fi, it's fascinating to see how this small film set the stage for later classics, building tropes that filmmakers would pay homage to. It's a little rough around the edges, but if you like your humour dark, quirky and dead-pan, plus you're a fan of sci-fi or horror (or just John Carpenter's work) 'Dark Star' is an incredibly imaginative and darkly funny ride.
Nobody (2021)
Sooo much fun
Sometimes there are films which don't really reinvent the wheel, but take a pretty tried and tested premise and put just enough spin on it to make it different enough to watch. Well... although 'Nobody' adheres to taking the well-worn 'revenge' plot and injects it with such fun that I can't believe that anyone who enjoys the genre won't appreciate it.
If I had to sum it up, I'd say take 'John Wick' and cross it with 'Taken,' then wrap it in a 'Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul' bow and you have 'Nobody.' Bob Odenkirk beefs up from his most iconic role as 'Saul' from 'Breaking Bad' and 'Better Call Saul' and goes totally postal on some Russian gangsters once his family is threatened.
I'll say it again - the plot isn't anything you haven't seen a hundred times before, but when you have such great actors making every moment of the script work, then add some real bone-crunching action scenes and dark comedic moments, how can anyone possibly not love this? Did I mention 'Doc Brown' himself (aka Christopher Lloyd) also wields a shotgun or two in this?
Also, it's worth noting that most movies these days never seem to know when to end, i.e. They go on too long. 'Nobody' weighs in at a tight ninety minutes and never wastes a second of screen time. I guess the only negative thing I can think of is that it kind of got lost in the global nightmare than was the 'pandemic' a few years ago and never achieved the same levels of success that 'John Wick' and 'Taken' did, therefore it may not get the sequel it deserves.
Villains (2019)
Good fun
'Villains' is a darkly comedic thriller that I thought I wouldn't like during part of the opening act. It's about a couple of criminals who go on the run after a series of robberies, but end up trying to hide out in another couple's house who may just actually be worse than them. My main gripe was that I didn't really like any of the characters and therefore couldn't really find anyone to root for. I'm pleased to say my opinion changed as the film progressed.
What follows is a "cat and mouse" setup and plenty of unexpected turns. Bill Skarsgård and Maika Monroe star as our hapless criminals and they're soon outmatched by a seemingly prim, but secretly twisted, homeowner couple (played brilliantly by Jeffrey Donovan and Kyra Sedgwick). What makes 'Villains' so enjoyable is the interplay between these two couples, each capable of wielding a mix of innocence and menace that flips the power dynamic constantly.
Donovan and Sedgwick deliver standout performances, making their characters unnervingly charming yet intimidating, while Skarsgård and Monroe eventually bring a grounded, relatable humanity to their roles, especially when things spiral out of control.
The "cat and mouse" game between the two warring factions shifts in unpredictable ways, pulling us along with a genuine curiosity about who will ultimately come out on top. These twists and reasonably short and sharp runtime (especially compared to the average film's runtime these days) actually will keep you guessing until the final scene.
Steptoe and Son Ride Again (1973)
This is more like it
As a die hard 'Steptoe and Son' fan of the British sit-com, I was a little disappointed with their first big screen outside (simply called 'Steptoe and Son). However, the sequel was far more true to the original vibe of the TV show.
It follows the exploits of a couple of rag and bone men - a father and son duo who, although polar opposites, never seem to be able to leave one another. The small screen series dealt out the comedy with the odd helping of black humour and dark sadness, but - ultimately - remained more weighted to the laughs.
The first film seems to veer the other way and dwell on the misery young Harold was in, depicting his father as an even more unsavory and scheming character than he normally was. The difference is with the sequel is... well, everything.
It's a better situation, has more laughs and feels generally more upbeat (which I'm guessing is one of the main requirements for a comedy!). I really find it hard to find a fault with it. I suppose I should mention that all humour is rather 'slapstick' and can be a little crude and visual. It's hardly 'high-brow' entertainment, but if you liked the series, you'll feel far more at home with this one.
Nowadays, I read online how there was originally planned to be a third in the film series, but this one actually under performed at the Box Office - possibly because fans felt like this would be more like the first one. If you like the original show, or just want a few cheeky laughs from yesteryear, I think this one is a classic.
Steptoe & Son (1972)
Now I know
I practically grew up on the iconic (and bittersweet!) British sit-com of the sixties and seventies. I watched them all the time with my mum and dad, eventually purchasing them on VHS and DVD. But, even when I was very little, I heard my parents talk about (what I assumed) was an episode where Harold got married. Right up until 2024 I always assumed I'd imagined that, until I bought (what I thought was the 'Steptoe and Son' film that I'd watched with my folks as a child.
What I got was, in fact, TWO 'Steptoe and Son' films (the second being the one I knew so well I could almost recite it word for word ('Steptoe and Son Ride Again'). It turned out what my mum and dad were talking about was the film. And, they were right about many things. They simply told me that it wasn't very good. Harold did indeed get married, but ended up choosing his father over his new bride.
Now, before you claim I've 'spoiled' the story with the above, I should point out that the film opens with Harold and Albert leaving the divorce courts once the marriage is over. What follows is effectively one long flashback which makes up the rest of the movie.
Now, if somehow you're unaware of the plot of the sit-com this was based on... it's about a father and a son scrap metal merchants from London. It's the typical sit-com set-up where they're stuck together and unable to leave each other. Episodes go by and nothing really changes as the plot does that trope of being reset at the end of every thirty minute story.
The trouble is with the film is that it follows this format. Not only do you know the ending if you watch the first five minutes, but you know why the marriage will fail and that everything will return to normal, only after an hour and a half, rather than the usual thirty minutes. This wouldn't be so bad, but where as the TV shows were 'laugh a minute' the film swaps the laughs for a darker, more mean-spirited tone and you'll just end up barely being able to watch the psychological torture and cringe-levels on display here.
I know I sound like I'm being overly-negative, but as it still stars the two stars from the TV show and there charisma and charm is on display at all time, meaning that it is at least watchable for that. It's definitely the lowest episode (technically a film, but you know what I mean) of the whole series, but, baring in mind that 'Steptoe and Son' is nearly perfect most of the time, the movie still stands head and shoulders of many of its contemporaries (but the next one: 'Steptoe and Son Ride Again' is a million times better than this!).
The Lost City (2022)
Nothing new, but totally watchable
'The Lost City' is a classic case of a film where the plot doesn't break any new ground, but the charisma and chemistry of its stars manage to elevate it. The story follows a familiar template-a romance novelist (played by Sandra Bullock) gets caught up in a wild jungle adventure alongside her book's cover model (Channing Tatum) after being kidnapped by an eccentric billionaire (Daniel Radcliffe). In fact, I do believe - from what little I've read online about the movie - says it's basically the loosest of remakes of 'Romance in the Stone' (or one of the 'Romance...' films, I forget!).
Everything about it is so generic it's barely worth talking about it, however what truly makes 'The Lost City' shine, is Sandra Bullock, who, despite being a bit unlikable to begin with, becomes as charming as ever to watch. Channing Tatum, playing against his usual type, adds a goofy sweetness to the dynamic, and the two have a playful chemistry that makes their banter entertaining, but, if you've seen Brad Pitt's name on the cast list, don't expect too much of him during the runtime (no spoilers here!). Daniel Radcliffe does his best to shed his Harry Potter image and plays the villain quite quirky and fun, though his character isn't particularly complex.
For me, the film's weakest point (besides the Playstation 2 level special effects!) was a minor sub-plot with the main character's literary agent tracking her down. This part of the film could probably have been taken out completely and left the film's overall runtime a lot tighter.
'The Lost City' doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it delivers enough laughs and charm to make for an enjoyable viewing (it's certainly the type of film you could have on in the background, go out to make a cup of tea, then come back in and found you haven't missed that much and can still pick up on the plot fairly easily). If you're a fan of Sandra Bullock or looking for a breezy, escapist romp, this one's worth checking out.
Greta (2018)
Same old story, but with some nice moments
'Greta' is probably best described as a psychological thriller that follows a young woman called Frances (Chloë Grace Moretz) who gets 'lured' into a friendship with the titular 'Greta' (Isabelle Huppert), who is a lonely, manipulative widow.
You can guess things don't end up going too well, but I'll give the film props for its ability to deliver tension and suspense with its moody atmosphere and eerie build-up, although the movie's greatest strength probably lies in its two leads. The two performances are nicely the polar opposite of each other.
Personally, perhaps the thing I liked best about it was that the characters make - for the most part - logical decisions, rather than falling into the typical (mainly horror) trope of being dumb, just to move the plot forward.
However, despite these strengths, 'Greta' feels like a familiar story. The "stalker-thriller" plotline has been done many times before, and this film doesn't offer much innovation to set it apart, besides the performances and few nicely creepy moments. It follows a well-worn path, and while the direction and performances elevate it slightly, it never quite shakes off the sense of déjà vu. In the end, 'Greta' is a solid thriller, but not an essential one.
Haunt (2019)
Actually stayed in my mind for long enough to review
I watch so many B-movie horror flicks on streaming services that, sometimes, if I leave writing a review more than a few days after watching the film, I've completely forgotten everything about it! 'Haunt' may not be perfect, but it is solid enough to actually remain in my mind after a week or so in order to comment on it.
It's made by the writers/directors behind (the far superior!) 'A Quiet Place' and although it sure doesn't reinvent the wheel, it may just stay with you after the credits roll, thanks to a few atmosphere and brutal moments of tension and gore. The story centers on a group of friends who visit an extreme haunted house on Halloween night, only to discover that the attraction is more sinister than they could have imagined.
What follows is your typical 'slasher' movie as the friends are subjected to cruel traps and masked killers lurking in the shadows. Where 'Haunt' does make its mark is in its pacing and its gnarly, practical effects and the masked killers-each with their own disturbing personas-are suitably creepy. Plus the kills are satisfyingly gruesome for fans of blood-soaked horror.
However, the film falls into the genre trope of its characters making frustratingly dumb decisions. It's hard not to roll your eyes at some of the choices made, as they often serve the plot more than common sense. This, in turn, makes it difficult to fully invest in their survival.
And yet, despite these flaws, 'Haunt' was a film that I actually watched until the credits rolled as it offered enough thrills, chills and gory fun to make it worth a watch-just be prepared for some moments of head-shaking frustration along the way.
Konferensen (2023)
Just about memorable
'Severance' is a dark horror-comedy that revolves around a group of employees attending a remote corporate retreat, only to find themselves embroiled in a deadly survival game orchestrated by unknown assailants. Oh, wait, did I say 'Severance?' I meant 2023's 'The Conference.' It's a VERY easy mistake to make!
'The Convention' does break a few horror conventions here and there and maintains a balance between its gruesome moments and awkward humor. Plus the performances are solid, particularly from the lead actors, who bring at least a touch of charm to an otherwise derivative script. But most of the characters fall into that 'horror cliche' trap of being so damn stupid by splitting up at every given opportunity, making them even easier to dispatch by the masked killer.
There are some memorable moments such as the decent kills and practical gore effects, plus it does bring a bit of satire about corporate culture. However, it's now a few days since I watched the film and I'm already struggling of things to say about it. That probably sums it up best. It's not bad. It's an okay horror film and I didn't hate it, but whereas I can't really remember that much about it, I can remember plenty of great moments from 'Severance' and that was made all the way back in 2006.
'The Conference' is decent, but not a must-watch. My advice: watch 'Severance.'
Am I Racist? (2024)
Actually pretty funny
Yikes, this is going to be a difficult film to review - simply because whether you love or hate it will instantly make enemies of one side of the political spectrum. I never really heard of Matt Walsh or the organisation he works for, but he's basically made a 'Borat-style' 'mockumentary' about pretending to be highly 'left-wing' and infiltrating various political events and doing interviews where he effectively mocks them. Yes, controversial. So, whether you like it or not will - most likely - depend on your view of the modern world.
Rather than shying away from some of the more uncomfortable truths which people hole today, Walsh holds up a mirror to societal attitudes about race, encouraging viewers to reflect deeply on the inconsistencies and hypocrisies often present in racial discourse.
I never picked up any hint that this film was designed to 'make fun' of any particular race, but designed more to highlight those who use race as a weapon - primarily a weapon which will make them plenty of money and get them famous. Matt Walsh never seemed to demonize any single group but rather asks us to think critically about their own biases and the societal structures that encourage polarization.
In the end, Am I Racist? Isn't really simply a film about race or making fun of anyone - it's a film about the human tendency to exploit, profit, and distort even the most sensitive issues for personal and financial gain. And, I guess the ultimate take-away I got from the experience was one where I laughed out loud - a trait I don't think I've done in a cinema auditorium for many years.
The Adam Project (2022)
I couldn't not like it (and I tried!)
Although I'm quite a fan of Ryan Reynolds, I went into 'The Adam Project' not really expecting much, I figured it would be just another straight-to-streaming-service sci-fi flick (feel free to correct me if it was ever released in the cinema, but I certainly never saw it advertised there!). But I was pleasantly surprised to find myself charmed by its upbeat story and playful energy. From the outset, it was easy to assume this movie would lean heavily on familiar tropes, but Ryan Reynolds' ever-charming performance, paired with a heartfelt script, made it hard to dislike.
Mr Deadpool himself plays Adam Reed (or rather yet another version of the actor - yes, he may not have an awful lot of 'range,' but he's so watchable, do we really care?) who is a time-traveling fighter pilot who crash-lands in 2022 and teams up with his 12-year-old self (Walker Scobell) to save the future. The premise may sound like a typical time-travel adventure, but there's a genuine sense of fun and nostalgia that sets it apart. In many ways, 'The Adam Project' reminded me of those classic 80s films centered around kids' adventures, like 'The Goonies.' It captures that same spirit of youthful wonder, blending humor, family dynamics and heartfelt moments into a cohesive narrative that feels fresh enough to be enjoyable.
I don't know much about the film's production. Like I say... I never saw it advertised theatrically, so maybe it didn't have a 'mega-budget' behind it. Therefore, some of the special effects are a little underwhelming and the action is a tad generic. Yet, overall, 'The Adam Project' is a light, enjoyable film that doesn't aim to be more than it is. It's a nostalgic throwback to simpler cinematic times, with enough charm to win over even the most skeptical of viewers. It's a rare film these days that I reckon that pretty much the whole family can enjoy as the 'violence' and bad language is very played down and PG13-esque.
Firestarter (2022)
Decent enough little horror film
As someone who seemed to miss the original 'Firestarter' back in 84, I found the 2022 remake on a streaming service and I therefore can't really compare the two. However, this version is perfectly serviceable within the landscape of modern horror films, despite not really being a stand out which will break new ground.
Zac Efron is a father of a child with supernatural powers (his daughter can summon fire when she gets angry, in case you didn't guess). Efron is desperate to protect his daughter from those who want to exploit her dangerous powers and the actor does a decent job here, delivering a solid performance, but it's clear that the role doesn't demand much from him. He's come a long way from his High School Musical days and a more dramatic script would certainly be within his capabilities.
The real focus of the film is, of course, on the young girl, Charlie, played by Ryan Kiera Armstrong. Her portrayal is a bit hit or miss. At times, she's actually pretty watchable, but at other moments, her performance can feel a little forced or inconsistent. Given that Charlie's emotional journey is central to the story, this unevenness does impact the film's overall effectiveness.
The actual story is nothing that new, i.e. Following a child with superpowers as she struggles to control them while being hunted by nefarious forces. I guess if that's all you're looking for then you'll find a certain degree of entertainment here, even if it doesn't bring much new to the table. The film's pacing is generally fine, though it can feel a bit slow in places, and the tension doesn't always build as effectively as it could.
I'm now tempted to seek out the original as it would be interesting to compare this version to the source material, especially considering how Stephen King's work has been adapted differently across various decades. While this 2022 remake is far from bad, it also doesn't stand out in the crowded field of recent horror releases. It's a watchable film that delivers some thrills, but it's unlikely to leave a lasting impression.
Leave the World Behind (2023)
Attack of the CGI animals
It's rare that I sit and watch a film and like it and dislike it in equal amounts, based on alternate scenes. Seriously, one minute I'm really enjoying the story and the next scene drags to such a degree that it practically feels unwatchable.
Julia Roberts and Ethan Hawke are the parents of a couple of teenagers who take their family away on a break to the countryside where they rent a villa, only to find that the rest of the world is gradually falling apart due to... Yeah, I'm not trailing off for dramatic purposes - I'm stopping because, by the time the credits roll, there are no real concrete answers to any of your questions, but I think that's kind of the point.
It's a decent enough premise and has an excellent cast. However, my personal overall gripe with the story was just how much some of the scenes drag. I confess... I watched it on an online streaming service and I have a very comfortable remote control which allows me to view the movie in ten second segments. This allowed me to see whether anything vaguely interesting happened in the current scene I was watching. If it went on too long, I could skip ahead with ease. Some may say that doing this made me miss key points, but I disagree. I could tell what was going on with the greatest of ease.
With all the movies on streaming services, many don't even hold my attention until the end. Yet I'm pleased to say that 'Leave the World Behind' kept me entertained right until the end. Maybe it was the (near) A-list cast, or whether I was hoping for some concrete answers as to what was going on, but I stuck with it and I definitely don't think I wasted me time on it.
I think I'd have been bored if I'd watched this at the cinema, but, thanks to my remote control, I kind of created my own 'director's cut' of the story and, as a result, enjoyed it all the more from doing so. There are some genuinely creepy scenes which chart society's downfall - just try to roll with the poor CGI, especially when animals are involved. I actually found one scene almost too painful to watch when two of the cast members are yelling for a long time at a wood full of computer generated critters. Quite funny really - I'm surprised no one has memed that scene more!
The Black Phone (2021)
Not bad, but a little muddled
'The Black Phone' is an odd little beast. It never seems to quite know whether it wants to be a supernatural horror film, or something more grounded in reality as it deals with both child abduction and spirits.
I'll give it credit for its visual presentation. The cinematography is as atmospheric as it is unsettling, capturing the eerie small-town setting and the claustrophobic confines of a basement where much of the story unfolds. Plus the child actors, which can often blight any major production due to their inexperience, are surprisingly strong.
Ethan Hawke, as the villainous 'Grabber,' is suitably creepy and his mask may well help him to up his character to (nearly!) the heights of other great horror icons. His portrayal of the masked kidnapper is nicely unsettling, as he switches between sinister calm and explosive violence.
But I still think that where 'The Black Phone' falters is in its attempt to blend the supernatural elements with the real-world horror of child abduction. The titular black phone, which allows the kidnapped child to communicate with the ghosts of the Grabber's previous victims, is a nice idea, but the film struggles to blend this supernatural aspect with the more grounded, psychological horror.
Overall, 'The Black Phone' is a well-shot film with decent performances, especially from its young cast and Ethan Hawke as the villain. However, its inability to fully commit to either the supernatural or the psychological aspects of its story leaves it feeling somewhat disjointed.
Truth or Dare (2018)
Um, yeah, it's sort of a thing
Hmm, yeah, what can I say. It's a 'horror' movie. Only there's not an awful lot that's horrific. Take your usual amount of twenty-somethings who are cast as high-school teenagers and present them with a supernatural threat which slowly whittles down their numbers one by one. A group of friends play a drunken game of 'Truth or Dare' while on holiday in Mexico, only to find that the game continues even when they get home - naturally, with fatal consequences. Think you know the story? If you've seen even a few movies of the same genre then you probably do.
And that's where 'Truth or Dare' falls down. It's not inherently bad. It just doesn't really offer anything any vaguely seasoned horror movie fan hasn't seen a hundred times before - and done better.
I know there are only so many different ways film-makers have of presenting - yet another - creepy tale, but some go someway to stand out. I'm a big fan of the 'Scream' franchise (yes, even the later - not as well-received ones), simply because, although they may not be anything different (narratively speaking), but at least the writers inject some 'meta-humour' into the script to poke fun at the cliches associated with the genre.
Sadly, 'Truth or Dare' doesn't really offer anything even nearly new. The characters are bland and you won't really remember any of them after the credits have rolled. If you're looking for gore then there's a little bit here which isn't so bad, but - again - nothing you haven't seen done better.
Like I say, it's not a terrible film, but I doubt anyone with an interest in horror will really get much out of it. The ending was nice (I literally mean the final scene!), but - again - the US remake of 'The Ring' had kind of already done something similar. It's an okay enough experience to have on in the background if you find it on a streaming service and you don't have to pay full price to watch it.
Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)
Sit back and just enjoy it
I've head many different takes on the third 'Deadpool' entry - some enjoyed it, others didn't. A few thought it was merely okay. I guess what you're going to get out of this film is dependent on what you stand on the franchise and superhero films in general.
If you're utterly tired of superhero films then this one doesn't offer much that's different - a supervillain wants to destroy the world and our antihero, Deadpool, must (finally!) team up with Wolverine (complete with yellow comic book costume) and save the day.
And that's it. There's absolutely nothing majorly new about this film, so you could say it's merely average, unless - like me - it ticks all the boxes you're looking for in a film. Ryan Reyolds and Hugh Jackman are great actors who are perfectly cast for their retrospective roles and they play off each other perfectly. I've always wanted to see Hugh Jackman's Wolverine get the 'proper' outfit on screen and go crazy. I get that here. Personally, I loved the Marvel Cinematic Universe up until 'Phase 4' started, so a film like 'Deadpool & Wolverine' which openly mocks how the franchise has fallen is also very welcome. Finally, the cameos. I'm old enough to recall the superheroes films of the late 90s and early 2000s, so let's just say it was great to see a few 'old friends' on screen again.
So I enjoyed it. If I had to offer any criticism, I'd say the opening twenty minutes did feel a little slow compared to the 'main meat' of the film. Plus a few scenes later on could probably have been trimmed. Overall, I'd take out between 10-15 minutes of the runtime to tighten it up. The main gripes I've seen online are that it's not very focused and if you dwell too much on the plot then it all falls apart. Okay, this may be true. So, in order for that not to be a problem - just don't think too much about the story and enjoy the excellent chemistry between the two leads and laugh at all the in-jokes based around the genre.
I did. And I loved it.
Mary Had a Little Lamb (2023)
Another one?
Okay, I'm starting to believe that there's a factory someone in Britain which effectively has a 'production line' which churns out low budget horror films based on source material related to children fairy tales. I'm a fan of horror flicks in general and don't mind the odd low budget if the movie makes up for it with other qualities. And not I've seen a fair few on a well-known streaming service which all basically have the same cast, the same location and, as mentioned, very loosely based on a children's nursery rhyme.
Now, if all those qualities don't unite them - they're all also pretty dire. However, this one was actually decent (and I use that word loosely!) enough to keep me entertained for the duration. But, don't get wrong - it's no masterpiece, even in terms of B-movies.
If you didn't know what the film was called, you'd probably never guess it was based on a nursery rhyme. You'd probably just think it was called 'Poodle Maniac' or something, as the killer runs around with a giant mutated poodle's head on him. Or at least it looked like that particular breed of dog. Unless anyone can tell me what other animal it was supposed to be?
A group of podcasters... do you care? Do you really need to know what the reason is that means yet another group of people are stranded in the middle of nowhere (this time in England) well out of the reach of mobile phone range, but just in reach of a mother/son nut-job combo. You won't care about the characters - two of which make up both halves of the most awkward and unlikely couple I've seen on screen in a long time. The others all just have weird accents like they're English trying to do an American accent, or vise versa.
About the 'best' cast member is the screwy mother, Mary. She chews up the scenery like you've never seen. Not a great actress, but at least memorable among the cast - I'll say that. And the gore's not bad either. It's not amazing in as much as none of the kills are particularly inventive, but at least they look realistic (as realistic as when you've just been killed by someone dressed as a half human/half farm animal).
In terms of horror B-movies I have definitely seen worse. Many I end up turning off within the opening twenty minutes. This one was bad, but it was watchable in a bad sort of way. Does that make sense?
Curse of Jack Frost (2022)
Painful from the start
I watch a lot of horror films - and most of them are pretty low budget. Yes, they're bad, sometimes so bad I eventually turn them off too early to even review. However, 'Curse of Jack Frost' is an especially bad type of bad. Most awful low budget straight-to-streaming-service horror movies don't show how bad they really are until at least 15-20 minutes into their runtime. Not this one - it was bad from the opening shot.
It begins with a selection of hand drawn images, which are basically one hell of a long exposition dump about how Father Christmas was once a bad-a$$ warrior fighting the forces of darkness (led by Jack Frost, in case you hadn't guessed). Now, besides going on for waaaay too long, they're played straight. The whole idea of jacked-up warrior Santa sounds like it belongs in 'South Park' to be laughed at, not a horror film in which we're supposed to be afraid of.
Then we're introduced to the usual 'flesh-sacks' at the beginning of every horror film ever made. They're there purely to die - and die they do. But, being one of the worst horror movies ever made, the 'Jack Frost' antagonist is revealed to be one of the worst-looking monsters ever. Seriously, the mask is okay if you're going to an average Halloween party, but the real problem arises when he speaks. His lips don't move. The film-makers actually didn't have the budget to animate any part of his face. It's just a mask. No more, no less - like I say... as scary as any you can buy around the end of October every year.
And that was about when I knew I was going to want to turn this film off. I stuck with it, simply because I wanted to see if it actually had any redeeming qualities. It didn't. I really wish I could get back the hour and a half I spent watching this film. It's not scary. It's not gory. It's not self-aware or in any way clever. It's really one of the worst horror movies I've watched online recently.
MaXXXine (2024)
Glamourous 80s slasher
If you like your 'slasher' horror films well-shot and laced with vibrant colours, then you should certainly enjoy the overall look and feel of 'Maxxine' where a young actress (best known for her - er - 'adult movies' decides she wants to break into the mainstream when she bags the lead role in a horror sequel. Very meta. What you get is a wonderful blend the seedy underbelly of Hollywood production with some 1980s aesthetic - David Lynch would most likely approve! The film's commitment to its retro style is evident in everything from the neon-lit sets to the synth-heavy soundtrack, which brilliantly amplifies the tension and atmosphere throughout (and I left wanting to download some 'Human League' and 'ZZ Top.'
Charley Rowan McCain is tough as nails in the lead role, delivering a performance that balances cold-heartedness and a ruthless desire to make it all the way no matter what, with vulnerability. Her portrayal of Maxxine makes her a standout in a genre often dominated by one-dimensional characters. The supporting cast also delivers strong performances, adding depth and intrigue to the twisted narrative - kudos to Kevin Bacon and the ever-awesome Giancarlo Esposito.
The slasher elements of 'Maxxine' are satisfyingly brutal, with the film making excellent use of its Hollywood set locations for some truly memorable and creative kill scenes (even if one of the most gruesome crimes is committed by our protagonist, Maxxine, rather than the evil serial killer currently on the prowl. The gore is intense and unapologetic, perfectly fitting the film's gritty tone.
However, the film's ending is where it stumbles. The climax feels abrupt and somewhat disconnected from the rest of the story, potentially leaving audiences feeling shortchanged after such a thrilling ride. Despite this flaw, "Maxxine" remains a solid entry in the slasher genre, buoyed by its strong performances, captivating aesthetic and excellent soundtrack.
Overall, "Maxxine" earns a solid 7/10, offering a bloody good time for fans of 80s horror and slasher films alike, even if it doesn't quite wrap up a few lines of dialogue early on in the film that you think will come back later and play a major plot point - spoilers: the don't!
Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)
Inoffensive enough background noise
If there was ever a film that was supposed to be watched in between checking your social media on your phone, it was this. It's not bad, but it's sure not enough to stop me from idly scrolling through my Instagram feed!
First of all - the title. Why so long? Were the film-makers trying to be epic? It should have just been called 'Axe Giant' and be done with it. Nit-pick over... it's a horror film about a bunch of young offenders who, as part of their 'rehabilitation program,' are taken off into the woods by a couple of adults in order to do some bonding exercise, or something. Does this actually happen in real life? I've now seen it three or four times as the set-up for a horror/monster film, but assigning two full time/paid adult carers to four or five teenagers seems like an expensive way of doing things.
Anyway, guess what they meet up there? Hint: the clue is in the title. And that's where the film does show its weaknesses, i.e. The budget. It doesn't really have much of one, so all effects are the cheapest computer or stop motion money can buy. It tries its best, but, even when the gore-effects work, you won't care about the cast - the film tries doe some 'character building' early on by having each of the five kids sit round a fire and spout their back story. Nothing like 'tell' instead of 'show.'
The film also boasts most horror cliches you've come to expect from a B-movie. There's the old guy who knows more than he lets on and tries to warn the main group about the impending threat. The kids that - er - 'get intimate' in the first act. Guess what happens to them?!
But, despite all its flaws I stuck with it. When it comes to finding movies to watch on streaming service there are plenty which are so bad I turn off within the first half an hour, so don't feel obliged to be able to write a review. At least this one kept me entertained for its entire runtime, so it must be better than many. It's content - filler content for it you're bored and looking for some silly, cheesy blood and gore with a cheap-looking monster. If that's all you're after, it'll fill the time in between your social media feed of choice updating with new posts.