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Sharknado (2013)
Sharknado? More like Sexnado!
Clearly this movie knew what it was, and they did an amazing job with it. The plot, while slightly unrealistic, was still grounded enough so that we didn't feel like we were in "fantasy-land". Basically, a "Sandy"-like hurricane hits southern California, just after a shifty sea captain is trying to unload 20,000 sharks to a nefarious businessman. The timing couldn't be worse but luckily Ian Ziering who is a successful bar owner and former Coast Guard member is there to help. He can't save everyone, but he does a great job as the determined "everyman" who just wants to help. He and his sensual bartender (Cassie Scerbo), his Aussie best friend(Jaason Simmons), and his lovable ragamuffin boozy buddy (John Heard!!!) decide they are going to try to save not only themselves but whoever else they can. This includes the always sexy Tara Reid, who plays the ex-wife of Ziering's character. Clearly no woman in her right mind would ever divorce Ian Ziering, and you can tell this because the chemistry between Ziering and Reid is white hot. It adds an amazing layer to this film because you can see the underlying theme going on through Reid's mind the entire time trying to resolve her feelings. She's in love, but she also wants to fly free. It's honestly amazing. After Ziering saves his wife and daughter, he must save his son. When they find him, he does not disappoint. He's the son every man wishes he had. I wish he looked more like Ziering, but the casting was still amazing. While he didn't look too much like Ziering, he was so full of personality and machismo that I didn't even let that distract me. His charisma and his chemistry with the buxom and sultry Scerbo makes the last part of the movie so amazing. He basically finds his soul mate, and she hers. Then they get put in a crazy situation which they may not survive. I also think it's brilliant that this all happens in the last 5 minutes because it perfectly illustrates life as it can really be. All in all, Sharknado is what you think it is. A bit of a stretch maybe, but grounded in realism and an all around knockout performance by it's cast. Ziering and Reid's unspoken sexual bond makes this sharknado really fly high and bright.
Ninja III: The Domination (1984)
For a guy with a hairy back, he sure takes his shirt off a lot
After seeing this movie, I have no choice but to write a review in the hopes that there are others like me out there who were blown away by the rocket fueled ninja action and white hot sexual titillation that is Ninja III: The Domination.
We all know that Sho Kosugi rocks. That is a given, but how about Jordan Bennett's ultra macho interpretation of his character police officer "Billy Secord"? Bravo Mr. Bennett, bravo. You prove early on, while trying to seduce the buxom Christie (played to perfection by one Miss Lucinda Dickey of Breakin' fame)that you are not afraid to take chances on your craft. I particularly enjoyed how you do not feel the need to step in and attempt to help her as 4 thugs try to rape her outside her gym. Oh you could have helped sure, but by standing there and watching you let her know who was boss. Secord will wear the pants in this relationship. I also enjoyed how Mr. Bennett was not afraid to repeatedly take off his shirt or wear the wife-beater tank top despite his gorilla like shoulders and back. Back and shoulder hair are hot and Secord knows it. And How about Lucinda Dickey? All I can say is "KABOOM" - I see a sex bomb getting ready to explode. She's got all the right moves as both a temptress and a martial arts whiz. The chemistry behind Dickey and Bennett is what makes this movie tick. You'd think she would hate him because he's kind of a cheesy jerk, but no my friends. The animal magnetism is too strong to resist, and they bond like crazy glue. Sho Kasugi is not as prominent as you might think, though still a main character, which is fine by me because all I wanted was more Bennett and Dickey. He does seem to wear a lot of eye makeup which was nice to see. The special effects? Wow. That is all I can say. I will not give away the ending but let's just say it will not disappoint. I love Ninja III: The domination, and can only hope that there is a Ninja 4. I give it a 5 out of 5 throwing stars. disappoint.
Caligola (1979)
BOY, DID THIS GUY KNOW HOW TO PARTY!!!
Does the idea of two women peeing on a dead body turn you on? Are you in the mood to see Malcolm McDowell "fist" some dude on his wedding night? Have you ever watched a movie and thought it needed more nude four legged mutants? Do you think Peter O'Toole strikes a more dashing figure with a full blown case of syphilis? If your answer is "yes" to any of the above, then have I got the movie for you! That's right, Caligola has it all folks and much much more.
Essentially, this is just an over budgeted porno but since it was the `70's they managed to convince some "real" actors to hop on board. Although I must say that I am convinced that Peter O'Toole only did this movie because Richard Harris dared him to.
Oddly enough, the true beauty of this film is not the orgies or castrations, but the fact that it manages to take itself very seriously which I find amazing. I am a worse person for having seen this. But let me please stress this, if you want to see a male nude four legged mutant....GET OUT THERE AND RENT THIS PUPPY!!!!
The Lost World (1999)
Holy Crap this show Rocks!!!!
Okay, picture the scene. It's Sunday morning. I've been on a 3 day bender.
Beer cans, whiskey bottles etc... all over the floor. I somehow open my eyes around noonish or so. Presuming I'm not injured which is not always the case, I turn on the tube. My spirits rise as I see what can only be described as "THE GREATEST SHOW EVER"...
I don't care that they seem to bump into groups of English speaking people on this supposed isolated plateau every episode. I don't care that they have a tree house that is protected from a T-Rex with a thin electric wire, I don't care that they seem to have a dry cleaner on the plateau since their clothes are always fresh and pressed, I don't even care that they never run out of ammunition even though they fire their guns at least 50 times an episode.
Have you seen the chicks on this show!? They rock! The only flaw I can see in this show is that there is no way Veronica would hook up with that loser Malone. Also I think that guy "Challenger" is pretty annoying too, and what was with the old guy Sumerlee? Those are my two complaints.
Thank you Lost World for easing my pain if only for an hour each week. I feel like I am betraying a loved one, but I must say I hope you never find your way off that Plateau...viewing your trials and tribulations makes the world a better place. I love you.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Megalodon? More like MEGA AWESOME!!!!
If you ever had doubts of a cinematic higher power this is your proof. For surely such a perfect movie could not exist with the limited abilities of mere mortals.
I applaud you Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Bravo. Had I been in charge I probably would have called it quits thinking I could never top the super smash hit Shark Attack 2, but you prove me to be a fool.
Number one: The Chemistry between Barrowman and McShane...WOW!!! Like a modern day Romeo and Juliet these two decide to take on a shark that ranges from 10 feet or so to a whopping 900 feet. Roy Scheider should be ashamed of himself. Jaws was an okay movie, but he is certainly no Barrowman, far from it. With love on the line, I don't think I could be the man Barrowman is. He truly is a hero among heroes.
And let us not forget Viktor Chichov's unforgetable performance as "Male Tourist". Viktor hammers home the point that there are no small parts.
With mind boggling effects that will blow you away, Shark Attack 3 is without a doubt the greatest Shark movie ever.
Tracy and Hepburn got nothing on Barrowman and McShane. I can only pray there is a Shark Attack 4.
Disappearance (2002)
Disappear? Not until the credits role, BABY!
This movie rocks! Let's start with the cast, shall we? Not since Clash of the Titans, has Harry Hamlin managed to delve into the innerworkings of his character with such flash and brilliance. Susan Dey was a tour de' force as Patty, Hamlin's shapely love interest. The children: I don't know their names, but let me say this, I usually hate child actors because I find them either too cutsey-pie, untalented, annoying or all three. This was not the case though in Disappearance. I did not hate the kids! I would even go so far as to say that the little girl did a good job. High praise from me. The story was very engrossing, and kept me wrapped up like a pig in a blanket. What's not to love about a family in a spooked out wacky ghost town? IT'S AWESOME!
The ending was so surprising and cool with a real crackerjack twist, that it left me in a state of Hamlin induced shock. Wow. That's all I can say.
Keep up the good work ladies and gentlemen. It was Hamlin-tastic!
If Looks Could Kill (1991)
Only the Greatest Movie Ever
I dare anyone and I do mean ANYONE to watch this movie and tell me that they did not enjoy it. Grieco may have had a dud or two in his career, but he knocked this one out of the park. Gabrielle Anwar is ridiculously hot in this flick, and everyone involved gives career performances. Grieco's Michael Corben is up there with Olivier's Hamlet. That sounds stupid. I have overstated my point, but answer me this, would you rather see Grieco or Olivier as MICHAEL CORBEN: french club reject. Whoever said sir Larry is a liar. Trust me, this baby ROCKS. Sure no one involved looks like high school students, but that's okay. It's a movie that isn't trying to take itself seriously so it's cool.
Seriously, see this movie and you will not be sorry. The experienced will be enhanced if you have a martini or two (but only if you're legal!)while you watch, but that is my only advice.
If Looks Could Kill? Indeed, I believe they can.
Komodo (1999)
Hands down the greatest Komodo Dragon movie out there!
I know, I know, you're thinking not ANOTHER Komodo Dragon movie. But trust me, this one doesn't disappoint. Clearly it's not good, but that's what makes it great. The Giant Dragons actually looked decent, and the acting was not as bad everyone would think. The plot was crazy and not what a sane person would call realistic, but therein lies the beauty. What's not to love about an island full of crazy Komodo Dragons on a blood thirsty rampage? Nothing, that's what!
If you are looking for an intellectual thriller, I have a feeling Komodo is not your cup of tea. On the other hand if you like having a few drinks with friends while trashing a very watchable movie this one is right up your alley. Dare I say, Komodo-riffic? Yes, I think I do.