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Reviews
GoldenEye (1995)
Why ?
I like Secret Agent movies. I wish James Bond movies weren't so stupid. I swear I would remember every single one of them. They are shot for the wide screen and people are foreseeably paying fortunes to see them. And yet, the whole franchise is just stupid. Mission Impossible conversely is great. Not just the movies starring Tom Cruise. Mission Impossible was invented in the 1960s by the same guys who invented Star Trek. Those movies have clever plots, the script writers make an effort to flesh out credible secret service agents, and the aim becomes to NOT stick out. James Bond needs to stick out in every movie. Are the hot ladies systematically influential in getting foreign governments down ? James Bond acts like it. The Queen's prostitute. The ladies in this movie are very hot, admittedly. I recall their beauty - 30 - years on. Along with a lot of confusion. Why ?
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
Parallel World
Picture a world where Egypt is Hollywood. All modern movies are shot in Egypt, for hundreds of millions of Riads (is it ?). That's where our world was headed. In 19 hundred and 20! One hundred years ago! All the movie footage shot in 1920s (!) Egypt is on YouTube, and called 'Beirut.' They were trying to replicate Middle East's city Beirut in Egypt, and even sell it as Beirut! By the 1970s, the invaluable film sets in Egypt had been fifty years old, already. And how smooth they go into that James Bond movie: You'll cheaply jump between three continents, from Egypt: Africa, Asia (ME), and Europe. All the road signs are European. It's seamless. Indiana Jones movies pale before the range. The modern world could be revolving around Egypt. Imagine that. I'm as astonished as that heart warming toddler at the beach who spots James Bond's car emerging from the ocean.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Battle (1987)
TNG's Roads not Taken
The new Star Trek show - The Next Generation - could have explored Parallel Universes and different Times by now, like Rick and Morty and Doctor Who. It's not for the lack of scripts. This plot here e.g. Is great: The fierce Ferengi deliver Picard the U. S. S. Stargazer, an old ship he used to command. But generally speaking, the plots in season 1 & 2 weren't as good as they could have been. Compare TNG with Star Trek: Voyager a decade later. Voyager never slumped for entire seasons, with respect to excitement. I blame TNG's pilot episode "Encounter at Farpoint." The crew meet God ("Q") and continue to act like nothing happened. When Q introduces TNG to the robotic Borg hive a season later, the same crew act like it doesn't matter. There is something dark about TNG's crew that is sooo dark that it doesn't even surface. That ominous thing is simply missing. Picard's men are not real. That flagship crew is defined by "not caring." Things never matter. I believe the producers had a different show in mind at the start, but needed to adjust the script to the crew. The crew are stupid. They are only allowed simple-minded adventures following their ignorance. At least until season 4 when the Borg thin the Federation out by a few tens of thousands of lives.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: Redemption (1991)
Must watch (to feel right)
The Federation gets dragged into a civil war. Through the Captain of its flagship Enterprise. The captain who appointed a Klingons security officer of that flagship three seasons earlier. The first part of a double episode featuring a Klingon civil war. It's not a great double episode. The Borg in the cliffhanger a season earlier were an enemy more 'captivating.' So why the Klingons now ? Isn't that a step backwards ? Tension-wise ? Intellectually ? I reckon you would feel something is missing if the Federation didn't get dragged into Klingon politics. It's 'The Picard.' The captain of Starfleet's flagship. He HAS to carry that crew into one or another war against their will. The crew don't oppose him enough. The Picard means Death. He ignores God ("Q") in the very first episode, causes tens of thousands of staff to die during last year's Borg invasion, and appoints a Klingon the head of security. In the final episode, The Picard is going to turn mad. At some point along the way, the crew needs to be warned - along with tens of thousands staff in Starfleet - that Captain Ahab means Death. If you left out this kind of warning, the character Picard in all future episodes of this outstanding TV show would start to feel two-faced.
Man to Man with Dean Learner (2006)
Unwritten law ?
Nine stars because it's just a little less funny than the predecessor Garth Marenghi's Dark place. There is this episode about the social outcast 'Randolph Caer' that our makers put at the end of this sequel to Garth Marenghi. Throughout the show, weird guests, all played by that same Matt Holness get interviewed and patronised by Dean Lerner. The very final episode about the most extreme - and deceased - Randolph Caer was extremely funny already 20 years ago, but already gut wrenching then. And now post-covid I wonder: Do most people naturally assume that social outcasts must naturally take the COVID vaccine ? Is there an unwritten law that everyone takes for granted ? Ugly = you must inject meds into your healthy body ? Maybe that's why this final episode of this funny show felt sick to the stomach (albeit hilarious) already a good decade ahead of COVID. I'm absolutely wondering whether that unspellt law might drive people's unfair decisions, subconsciously.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: The Defector (1990)
Not good enough
Can you improve on the Romulans as a race ? I think you can. And I think you have to. See, I grew up with this instalment of Star Trek, The Next Generation in the 1980s. If you don't know the background of Star Trek, this idea of a plot sounds smart: A Romulan who defected from his trillion-strong empire. And the plot choice perfectly captures the nature of the Romulan race: Treason, politics and secrecy. Now, let's consider Star Trek's background to understand why I can only rate this episode a seven. The Romulans on television are already 25 years old. The episode isn't memorable. Because the central idea here isn't good enough: a defection. Recall the classic Star Trek episode where the Enterprise under Captain Kirk bumps into a cloaked Romulan vessel, for the first time ever. There is a very cool atmosphere of secrecy, tactics, politics, and 'let's not do any silly moves.' That episode is so memorable, and I didn't even live in the 1960s. TNG has to either really step up from here, or ignore that cool race. What I would have expected is e.g. Romulan spies among the Federation who quietly plan their exit ahead of the Borg invasion in season 3. Or a group of Romulans and Ferengi (they should mix like coffee and milk) doing dodgy business on Ferenginar. Or Romulan physicians who experiment on Borg drones, and deny eveything. There should be one well-paid Star Trek person somewhere on a Californian beach who does nothing but develop the Romulan IP, all his life. And every now and then, that fascination for the Romulan race turns into an episode. (Obviously, I would sacrifice myself for that role. If I have to.)
28 Days Later (2002)
Real
My favourite zombie rolling picture ever. And I'm not even a zombie fan. It feels very real. The acting. The scenery, the motorways of Manchester. The plot in which the military takes over. They could have included the police force, by the way. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the police are very well organized, as well. Don't underestimate police for their stupidity and poor education. At the top of that organisation - in Manchester! - they are well organized. They would survive a zombie apocalypse and continue to harass zombies on the motorways. "Zombie-Sir, can you open that car boot for me ?" They'll go on with that attitude forever. Granted, police are not even watchable in a zombie apocalypse. Police are too horror for any movie. Anyway, that's what's not in the movie, for good measure. Police. In the movie, it's a small band of UK soldiers that made it. Eccleston plays a great baddie, here. And the great horror-tension tune in the background! I even downloaded that tune on i-tunes. Sometimes, in real life, people delve in good old memories when they reminisce about good old political systems, good old fast food restaurants, and good old holidays. However, if people start remembering meaningless or even bad occurrences as noteworthy, then their brains are rotting away. Prepare to let go of people who think pointless (or bad) memories were good. They'll cease to exist in front of your eyes, soon. Zombie 101.
Titanic (1943)
Origin of the movie's premise
During WW2, Germans spotted Brits and Irishmen departing from Amsterdam (Holland) into the new world, the US of A. It irritated those Germans, that the migrant ship left without safety vests, or any safety equipment, at all. The barge of the dead. They clearly set off to get themselves lost and die. In the movie, this irritation and interpretation translates into 1) a voyage along the North Pole, when the migrants could have taken the warm route South, 2) a collision with an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, and 3) passengers who prefer stock market gambling over safety. In fact, they seem to gamble away their lives. WW2 Germans would have naturally connected those dots. Brits are organizing their mass suicide, now. The Barge-of-the-Dead storyline mattered so much to Germans, because in 1940s, Germans and Brits were still best buddies. Where were the Brits leading them ? Into their death ?
Star Wars Resistance (2018)
Space Battles. Please
I like the show's concept of short episodes. What I would REALLY want: A cut of all the Star Wars space battles. As its own Star Wars show called 'space battles.' Star Wars CGI is great. I don't need those well paid actors. Unless the Jude Laws and Ewan McGregors pay that out of their own pockets. Which I don't know. My point is: I want CGI space battles. The Star Wars franchise is too stupid to show me anything else that I would appreciate. I don't even appreciate the dinosaur-like gigantic mammals. And I love dinosaurs. There is really no way Star Wars will ever please me except with CGI space battles. Go on, Disney. Provide me a supercut of all the space battles in all the 23 shows. And don't forget to include plenty of space battles in future shows. If Ewan McGregors and Jude Laws insist on dumping their private money in Star Wars, then make them sign a mandatory inclusion of space battles. Thanks.
Victor Frankenstein (2015)
Not the final Frankenstein
Wasn't memorable. Another Frankenstein movie. Nothing that I remember that stuck out compared to the previous instalments. Maybe, there is going to be a future movie version of Frankenstein that nails the monster. And maybe I can help. After all, the most previous instalment of the Dracula franchise (Dracula Untold) nailed Dracula after a century of failed attempts. So, here we go. What is a Frankenstein ?: Dead spirits, German spirits, and no spirits at all. If you have that kind of group of people, then you can organise a 'Body' that can walk. It's not gonna be pretty, many spirits might die in that group, only to THEN fit in. But that kind of group can feed itself, and even grow. Germans in that group can multiply. Dead spirited people can make decisions, that normal people couldn't. You know. Blackmail. Extortion. Assassination. And no-spirited people normally neither mind Germans nor contract killers. That's the (real) laws of physics as far as I understand them. Maybe that helps to nail Frankenstein.
American Psycho (2000)
Hidden debt
A New York yuppie who slits the bodies of his prostitutes in his spare time. That's the plot. I'm German. I get the impression that this is the impression Brits have of Americans. I've never been to America. Maybe, that's exactly what foreigners witness in New York. I can't tell. My background is Finance. What I can tell is that every last yuppie in New York is indebted in the millions, if not billions. Before you can join one of those Skyscraper boards of directors (which Christian Bale does in his role in later Batman movies :D ), you'll need to bring millions to that fancy table. You'll need to borrow millions, "reverse mortgage" your house. Only then can you promote to those fancy boards. As you live your over-indebted life as a New York yuppie, there's still enough money left after servicing that huge debt each month. You can actually afford the fancy life that this movie depicts. But there is a "but." A Big "but." You could never possibly feel free, like flying or liberated. And I believe that's what's so irritating about yuppies. Yuppies who clearly can afford this insanely expensive city right at its core. But they never act easy going. Maybe it's that exact irritation that makes New Yorkers look so insane. Why are they not the most laid back people in the world, then ? (Or are they ? I don't know.) Hidden debts.
Star Trek: The Next Generation: Descent, Part II (1993)
Really not great - but too late
This is the STTNG show's final note on the Borg. Final Borg episode here. A mindless android leads them now. And loses to the Federation, unsurprisingly. Remember how the ruthless robotic Borg started off in season 2 ? Five years earlier ? Almighty alien Q offered our flagship crew a glimpse into the Federation's doom. He catapulted the Enterprise at a Borg cube light-years away that set course for Federation space. Just to let Picard and his crew know what they'll be dealing with. An alien race that expands by forcefully turning all other races into one of their own. Their own zombies, with chips and gear implants. They won't quite die after that assimilation procedure. The victims are then forced to live a life as a mindless drone. As part of a huge Borg hive, with instant instructions. That's how scary the Borg started off five years earlier. You could tell early that the writers were about to screw this brilliant idea up. Episodes that featured the Borg diminished the race to a level that even a well-endowed SciFi show lost its credibility. The Federation always just beat the Borg. Easy. In the same episode. Bad move by the writers. To retain the scare of the Borg, they should have kept Locutus of Borg, i.e. The assimilated captain, for a few seasons. Picture the Enterprise keeping bumping into their old now-robitic captain over and over. Punch to the guts. But that's what I was wanting to see. That didn't happen. And STTNG concludes with Data's evil twin Android leading those Borg into their defeat.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)
Cash grab
David Cameroon cannot be real. Because he isn't real. The stated director has nothing to do with this franchise. Never did. Whenever Hollywood gets the hands on another Final Judgement themed script, they'll turn it into a Terminator movie. Mind my words when it's 2039 and "Terminator 12" releases. And makes as little sense as all the previous instalments. Pays no attention to previous plots and logics. Who cares. It's another final-days-movie. In this instalment, the original cast meet the Terminator in his shed in the woods. And have some coffee. I kid you not. It doesn't even feel pathetic. The very first Terminator movie released in 1984 established that Terminators manage time travel, and yet somehow get defeated. The franchise established in the first five minutes set outside a bar that we're dealing with first graders in adult bodies. From here on, any script is allowed. Cash grab.
Enterprise: Shockwave, Part II (2002)
Yup!!
This is exactly what I wanted, from Star Trek: a temporal cold war. Fantastic. The whole mindset behind this particular Star Trek spin-off corrects mistakes that two precedessor shows made. In Star Trek The Next Generation, the fierce robotic Borg enemies in Season 4 were defeated too fast. It made no sense. Starfleet stands no chance against an enemy this gigantic with that baby mindset of theirs. In Star Trek Deep Space Nine, the war with the Dominion lasted a lot longer - 5 Seasons long! But it felt too stupid. The environment didn't adjust as much as it should have to a whole federation of enemies inhabiting a whole quadrant. So, Star Trek Enterprise finally got ALL that right. A proper conflict that even leads to time travel, never gets boring, and retains a credible surrounding throughout the seasons. The allies react like you would expect them to react, the enemies oppose like you would expect them to. It feels real. I loved and love what Enterprise did here.
Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021)
Who cares. We found an investor.
The recent Indiana Jones movie found no investor. It was funded with a bank loan. It shows. The script is bad. The production is cheap. Harrison Ford's enthusiasm fades during the shooting. Again, that movie lacked an investor. Shang-Chi has the opposite problem: The movie has an investor, but is pointless. An investor gave this a 'go,' even though it's not good. The production looks fine, the actor is fine, there are no plot holes. And the movie doesn't even fade away after watching. It's still boring. Maybe the movie ages well. My conclusion is, it's better than nothing. But as of 2024, I still have no idea what this movie is trying to tell me.
Doctor Sleep (2019)
Doctor Sleep. Why.
In the year 2000, the German military conscripted me against my will into their army of imbecils. The insanity didn't stop there. The German military wake you up every morning at 5 am. If you get ill, you don't get more sleep. You must go to the doctor at 6am and get your meds. See where I'm going with this ? Why would a movie try to make 'sleep' something scary ? Because people die in their sleep. But those people are bad and they die a peaceful death. Death heals. Don't conflate Sleep and Unjust Death. Don't imply there is something unsettling about scoundrels who die a better death than they ever earned. Not good.
Il mio nome è Nessuno (1973)
Do we want more nonsense ?
I mean it's fun. Inventing back(his)stories that never happened. The wild West. And those historical fictional adventures have a crucial advantage: they aren't dark. If those stories were true, they would feel as dark as your grandad's hobbies. Not even possible to show. Shall we invent more backdated histories about all the countries as of 2024 ? More Ancient Rome's ? That one proud Italian Mafia that conquered Europe with its charm ? That one justful Viking tribe that collected debt from debt collectors ? Because those ideas would be nonsensical and fictional enough to feel bright. Personally, I wouldn't. Just my gut feeling.
Edge of Tomorrow (2014)
Absolutely awful, no ?
I don't get it. Why is anyone watching this ? Why are people watching this who didn't strike me as stupid ? A time loop movie. With Tom Cruise. And so abysmal. I'm biased. I don't know why I don't care for the plot, for the characters or the ending of the flic. No idea. But I'm 100% sure this movie is the worst 1) time loop movie and 2) movie with Tom Cruise that I've ever seen. "Cause and Effect" of the Star Trek - The Next Generation TV show has a similar time loop theme. And nails it. There are recent - Comedy - movies with time loops in them, and every last one of them manages to deeply move me. Tom Cruise is fantastic in half a dozen Mission Impossible movies, and in several unmatched, unique Sci Fi movies. Incredible talent in every single one of them. However, this time loop movie with Tom Cruise really just sucks. And I did meet reputable people who like this movie specifically. I can just repeat my irritation.
Maze Runner: The Death Cure (2018)
Millennials, ey!!
God, someone REALLY called out millennials here. Someone nailed them to their parents, and made sure no one ever even wants to speak to millennials ever again. Remember the first instalment of the Maze Runner young-adults series ? It started so innocent. As a viewer, you wanted to squeeze and hug and embrace those young millennials. They seemed to be so close to your heart. In that cheerful part one, they started off as prisoners in a maze that adults in that evil world built around them. At the end of the first instalment of the franchise, the youngsters escape. Loved it! Five years later in this instalment, you see those youngster's true ugly face: Now, they try to save those exact adults who incarcerated them. The real enemy is 'death.' Those criminal adults must live. So we need a 'death cure.' Those youngsters that you loved so much until now, turn out to be sheep. Nothing but mindless followers. I'm not being ironic or sarcastic: Thank you, script writers of this franchise. I wouldn't have spotted millennials without your help!
The Maze Runner (2014)
Pretty good, likeable characters and actors
My favourite young adults franchise. I can't stand the Hunger Games. The Divergent franchise is pretty cool. In this top notch young adults IP, adults trap young people between giant walls. Every now and so often, the walls open, because the adults can't just let them starve. Or have them eat each other (Hunger Games XXL). Ok, admittedly, the IP is a little stupid. The adults could just drop that food via air mail. And millennials don't strike me as bold. Whatever tactics millennials have up their sleeves is not boldness. But the characters are likeable (ahh, that's how they got me!) and the basic concept behind the basic concept isn't so bad. Young people do have to oppose. 20 years ago, houses sold for 20,000 dollars. These days, they cost 200,000 dollars. Young people can't, shouldn't, and mustn't play by those rules. Let's cramp them together in school classes of 40 pupils before their rebel. Easier to control. Besides, they'll figure out that nothing about the modern world is free markets, price mechanisms, or remotely fair. Banks set those 200,000 dollar price tags for houses. The cost of building those houses hasn't changed. It costs banks only 20,000 a piece to this day. Millennials are just too nice. I had to spill that.
Stargate (1994)
Ditch Einstein
There is a misunderstanding. In the Movie's concept. Stargates aren't possible. Not even theoretically! But the lie led to a great TV show. And to several failed more TV shows. So, I'm not sad. But what's wrong with the concept ? Einstein was wrong. About everything. Wipe your memory about everything you think you understand about theoretical physics. There are in fact a few theoretical physicists in academia. (I work in academia.) But those academics are silly. And stupid. And sheep. You see, the speed of light is NOT 300k km/s. It's infinite. You can't go faster than light. You can't traverse great distances through Stargates. It's not possible. More interesting: Why did you believe that ? Because the Earth's core is ultra heavy. A LOT heavier than the core of ANY other planet in the universe. Practically a black hole, judging by its weight. Yup. Our familiar earth has an ultra heavy core. As a result, time goes really slow, uniquely for us. The rest of the universe isn't as slow as we perceive it. The rest of the universe goes as fast as a pinball flipper. Planets slingshot everywhere at a fast pace. But being next to a black hole, we can't see that pace. We even perceive light to have a finite speed. But our perception misguides us. It's the result of our heavy core at the centre of the earth. There are no wormholes between distant points in space. There are no Stargates. Our perception is biased. New goal: Focus on escaping earth. At least theoretically. And rearrange THOSE tenets.
A Christmas Carol (2009)
The Origin of the Movie's Premise ... O M G
They confused the message of a scrooge long ago. But who is counting. Biblical Abraham wipes out an entire tribe after just learning 'not to kill.' Jesus is a wizard for walking on water, not for being so heavy spirited. And let's not even start talking about the early pregnancy of his mom. All those messages are misinterpreted. And so is the Scrooge message. You see. If you plan on giving birth to a child while you're too poor, three spirits will visit you. That's what's really happening. It's unrelated to Christmas. Those spirits warn you. Your parents did the same: Birth you into poverty. Did you like it ? The spirits have a clear agenda: dissuade you. Don't. The word "Screw-age" is a amalgamation of "Screw" (you'll have to work hard and consistently so) and "Sewage" (you still won't escape your misery). Screw-age. But whatever. It's a Christmas movie now. Reminding you that you're bad. It's not all wrong, as long as you stop multiplying.
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Not awful but I would never watch that today
The "Christmas" spirit among all movies. Hobbit land is dirty. The 90's LOTR computer games were irritating. The plot makes no sense. And yet it was good back then. And there wasn't much else to watch. People watched The Simpsons and thought that was funny. It was! Compared to most American SitComs. Anyway, this was what LOTR was competing with. Nothing: The 00's. I for one focussed on Star Trek. Star Trek shows always shone. It's not that I look back on LOTR in revulsion, but I don't need that feeling of Christmas. Christmas is for babies. Christmas is dirty. Christmas is family. Christmas is pointless. That Christmas tree doesn't end. LOTR is all that to me.
What We Do in the Shadows (2019)
Creeps me out
44 years old. Male. Straight. This show creeps me out. Just watching the trailers. I understand you've got a bunch of social male outcasts here. I watched a different UK show called Misfits. Absolute Brilliance. And that other show is also about outcasts. So what's the difference ? I can see that this Shadows show is just trying to offend me. Me personally. From the first second. I can grip that hate with my bare hands. It's 110% malintent. I've seen all those actors before. I don't know what's gotten into them. Probably a pay check. And a lot of intentional ignorance. And that particular mindset is 2020s-British. "We don't need that boundary, anymore. And that other boundary can go, too."
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)
British Handwriting
Why don't you put sworn enemies in the same team, and wait for them to kill each other ... no, I mean: ... and wait for them to GET ALONG ? That's the Movie's brutally revealing premise. Because Brits wrote that script. I don't even need to look at the names or hear the funny accents. Only Brits are THIS full of faeces. How!? Brits have money. If you have money, you'll want to build an empire. An empire in your shape. You'll start with a small group of followers, say a King Kong, and a Godzilla. As your empire grows (in your mind), your group will have to get along at some point. You can foresee that. In your arrogant mind, eventually, that small band of two will lead other later followers. So, King Kong and Godzilla NEED to get along! You put them in the same team! That's precisely how money bags think. And it's brutal. And the movie seems brutal for revealing that mindset. And for revealing even the ultimate goal: an "empire"!