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Reviews
Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths - Part Three (2024)
Different Story than the Original Comics
Okay, it has a similar start and a similar finish, but the drivers of the story don't line up the same way. Different characters have stronger role and the ending is very different. I don't recall Constantine even being in the comics back then.
They spent a long time on the Psycho Pirate in the first episode and then one big moment in the finale. One of the keys to that character's role is that he was supposed to be the only one who "remembers" the multiverse yet that's not mentioned at the end.
The story is more like The Flash movie, where a character went back in time to try to fix something and screwed up a lot more.
It's much better than Madame Web, another case where you are better off not knowing the source material ahead of time. Yes, there's a Monitor and Anti-Monitor. The "iconic" picture of Superman holding dead Supergirl is there but completely different event. The "big win" and the end, yeah, whatever, just make up some "miracle device" and it all ends.
Wonder Woman's line about her sacrifice making her lie meaningful doesn't hold true.
And we are deprived of that pocket or whatever where old Superman and Lois babysat whiny Superboy prime until he had his tantrum over not getting to go to Chuck E Cheese for birthdays and setting off another crisis in the future!
Those About to Die (2024)
"Rome" for the snuff film crowd
The gore in this series is way over the top. Murders of children in particular. If the point is that first century Romans were entertained by gore, that doesn't translate to a 21st century audience.
By the end of the ten episodes, there wasn't a single character I cared about. It's one thing to have your protagonists be flawed, and another to have them void of redeeming qualities.
Anthony Hopkins, whatever he was paid, was overpaid. He adds nothing to this series. Any immobile male actor could have played the part as well.
The scenery (other than the ridiculous CGI animals) is spectacular and Jojo is hilarious, holding the same deranged expression through all ten episodes. He may have been the most honest of all the characters.
Clipped (2024)
Two hours dragged out over six episodes
The only thing that rings true from the characters in this story is "It works for me." From his wife (who says it at the end) to Doc Rivers to Elgin Baylor to the NBA as a whole, that's the story.
This is a thin story stretched way out. Characters are not fleshed out, they just do the same things repeatedly (it works for them). Doc Rivers is kind of a likeable narrator, but he really does nothing other than "block it out". Sterling is a caricature - definitely a jerk, but he's loaded and believes that's enough. His wife is channeling the late Patti Deutsch, down to "oh Donald". And "V", I don't need to know more, who cares. Justine - just no.
Madame Web (2024)
Could it really be that bad? Yes.
A movie with a bad cast and a storyline that misses both the casual MCU fan and the comic fanboy.
First, the cast. We need a poetry slam between Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney. Two of the most monotonic actors in the world. Sydney has no business in this movie playing a nerdy looking high school girl who keeps her clothes on.
If you don't know the source material (Spider-Man) you'll be lost as they've made it about everyone but him. The multiple Spider-Woman characters over the years are named the same as the teens. But that's meaningless if you don't know their outcomes. It's just a meandering mess.
If you do know the various Spider-Women, you'll be bored waiting for something - anything - to happen.
The movie takes the worst of Marvel origin stories - like Ang Lee's Hulk - making you sit through superfluous character development in what you thought was a superhero movie.
Add in the confusing parts of The Flash (DC) with time jumps that will give you a headache if you aren't familiar either. Like the mother/daughter reunion.
Worst of all, Madame Web in the comics was a powerful character. This version is not at all.
Slip (2023)
Total Self-Indulgence without Self=Awareness
This really sounded like it could have been an interesting concept, but by the end of the third episode it is clear that the lead character is lacking self-awareness and the cause of her own misery. An "all about me" person who would likely never be satisfied with life as she treats her best friend like dirt in several realities (a character who is in the script just to give the false impression that she may be the tie between the different "realities" and returning home.
The show might as well be a cross between the wizard of oz and quantum leap. There's no redemption for this unlikeable lead at the end. And she is in virtually every minute of the series, no character development since he really never changes. Can't get much colder than her reaction to a death. To her credit, she looks good naked.
The ending is ambiguous, at best someone who can't enjoy the good things in her life found out that it could be worse. Hooray!
Minx (2022)
I've seen this before, and done better
This is like watching "GLOW" with even more unlikeable leads.
The two leads are unbearable. Just obnoxious people who exist for conflict. The supporting characters are at least likeable though they are given little to do.
The last two episodes in particular are terrible. Aimless, with storylines simply dropped at the 25 minute mark without resolution. It looks very much like the producers realized the show had no future, and directed the writers to close off story themes as quick as they could.
No resolution (or direction) to the future of the magazine. A storyline about lawsuits just disappears. A same sex relationship (which made no sense anyway), nope, that isn't happening either. The #2 person at the magazine reads acceptance letters (using contemporary wordmarks - yet set 50 years ago) appears out of nowhere.
Secrets of Playboy (2022)
Enablers on Display
This could have been much better, as others have noted it's not balanced, no one "friendly" with Hefner speaks in his defense (who would?).
As they call him especially in the final two episodes, Hefner may have been "the devil". But he got away with it only because he had a team of enablers, many of whom are his accusers in this series.
Their claims may all be true, but too many of them sat by and enjoyed their lifestyle selfishly and did little or nothing while this took place. Especially the two "girlfriends", Holly and Sondra, whose epiphanies corresponded with when Hefner dumped them.
Sondra especially, who claims to have watched a lot of abuse of women, still returned to the mansion for Easter parties because of the "family atmosphere".
She and the bunny mother, also traumatized by her LONG relationship with Hefner/Playboy, appear to have kept well-organized scrapbooks of the "good days".
This doesn't speak to the validity of their claims (there's enough terrible stories there even if you disregard a lot of it), but they are unreliable narrators.
I exclude Micky from this; at least she got away early on and spoke out publicly. The others seem to have waited until years (and lives) had passed.
The series should have been 3 or maybe 4 episodes, but salacious accusations sell. A ful episode devoted to Dorothy Stratton, whose story was told years ago in "Star 80", but now it's Hefner's fault. Stratton was doomed when she hooked up with that husband of hers. One of the later episodes features two twins, who came to Playboy AFTER being hired and publicized by a Hooters-type pub when they were only 15.
The "secrets" are a microcosm of the Hollywood casting couch and young women coming from what used to be called broken homes.
Hefner may have been the devil, and a lot of the women featured may have sold their soul to him and regretted it later.
But he never would have gotten away with it without these (and many other) enablers.
The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021)
More like "Self-Destructive Lives"
Some of the characters are likeable (shockingly, I found Sherri Shepard to be the most sensible character on the show). The rest simply do dumb things.
The Indian girl is just a horndog and her obsession with the comedy magazine gets annoying fast (and the stereotyping of her parents running a Subway restaurant... wow.)
There's no reason for the plain girl to be hooking up with the rich ripped guy unless he's trying to win a sadistic contest in his frat. In real life he wouldn't give her the time of day.
The soccer player isn't developed as a character. And a soccer game that goes into overtime is not sudden death.
And the rich girl who doesn't want to come out (and looks nothing at all like her brother, mother, or father), okay, she's shallow. That's about it.
The academic cheating storyline is ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with the frat maintaining a library of old exams. Nothing. It's an indictment of the lousy teachers at that college.
The Many Saints of Newark (2021)
The "Phantom Menace" of Sopranos
After being perceived as a prequel leading up to how Tony took over... it's not that movie. At least two more stories would have to be written to get there...
Tony's barely involved in gangster activity beyond accepting hot speakers. He's pretty close to a dolt.
Instead it's focused on the Moltesantis who are barely mentioned in the series. And Ray Liotta looks ridiculous as Hollywood Dick. And he's pointless as Sally. Twice the fun!
Another "let's promise people a story" and deliver something inferior relying on Easter Eggs.
The Voyeurs (2021)
Only thing missing is Nicolas Cage
You have to get through the entire movie to appreciate how bad it is; the last half hour compounds one horrible attempt at a plot twist after another.
You at first think it's just bad acting or high school-level writing, but someone put a lot of thought into this.
Thankfully Sydney looks good nekkid (though you have to wait a long time for it) or there would be nothing good at all to say about it.
"Let's pile up some completely impossible plot twists and then backwards we'll try and string them along in a storyline."
The Sons of Sam: A Descent Into Darkness (2021)
Had I watched Part 4 first, I would have skipped the rest
If you are at all familiar with the case, just skip forward and watch Part 4.
Part 1 is a recap of the the murders and NYC's panic. Nothing really new in there that isn't covered later.
Part 2 gets to the.actual "findings"; that Berkowitz may have acted with two neighbors who died violently soon after. And this is recapped in Part 4.
Parts 2 and 3 go off the tracks with Terry's outlandish attempt to tie these killings to an international satanic cult. The only thing in common is that all the cult people were insane, they didn't work together and there's no evidence of it. The details on the Stanford murder are done solely for shock value. Nothing - NOTHING - in common with the NYC killings. And trying to tie it to Charles Manson was beyond ridiculous.
Part 4 has two compelling speakers - one of the shooters' victims who survived, and an NY newswoman who witnessed on of the Berkowitz interviews and discredits Terry's leading questions.
Berkowitz is where he belongs. He almost certainly was part of a trio of killers. His interviews are not interesting as Terry drops names and Berkowitz goes "yeah".
While the police dropped the investigation and closed ranks, the killings stopped and the bad guys are gone.
Supermarket Sweep (2020)
How to destroy a simplistic show
1. Cast Leslie Jones. Godawful.
2. Scream and speak poorly. If you did #1, this will happen regardless.
This show is an abomination, taking one of the most lightweight pieces of tv fluff and applying a jackhammer to it. It's not fun. it's not clever, it's not worth watching.
The Sleepover (2020)
Complete Disappointment
I watched this on Netflix from a recommendation "Stream It or Skip It" on Decider, which I usually find does a good job. To summarize, if you sat as 12 year old boy and anyone over the age of 15 in front of this movie, the younger one might enjoy it but the other - if they didn't fall asleep after a few minutes - would mourn the loss of many brain cells.
The male characters are all terrible, most are wimps. Worst is the father, "Ron", who simply does a painfully lame Steve Carell imitation for the whole movie. The Steve Carell character who deserves to be punched in the face every time he's on screen. The Asian kid is a completely offensive stereotype of a wimpy kid down to wearing underwear with sensors in case he wets himself at night. There's a federal marshal who Eugene Levy would consider wimpy (I love Eugene Levy).
Malin Ackerman and the two teenage girls are at least somewhat likeable and they're not stupid. The Asian kid's mother, on the other hand, is that same offensive stereotype of the overprotective parent who's raising a wimp. Horrible.
The plot has no flow to it. The kids make their way around based on a series of completely impossible coincidences, Every single time they solve a "clue" it's by accident.
Why 3 stars? Some of the scenery is nice, pretty people, it moves along, it's fairly clean.
But it's really just "scenes". Ever watched "Adventures in Babysitting"? It'll remind you of it, as in "Adventures in Babysitting" was so much better than this.
Peppermint (2018)
So Terrible It's Hilarious
This is unintentional comedy gold. There is absolutely nothing plausible about this movie. Garner is completely miscast. Almost every Mexican is a drug dealing gangbanger.
It's a ridiculous revenge movie. There's a flashback to five years earlier where her family is wiped out (completely irrationally). The gangbangers who did it of course get away with it - or there is no movie - but in this magical tale she is able to hunt them all down five years later. Sure, the odds of three low level hit men all surviving the five years - and staying together - are quite slim, but that's one of the more realistic parts of the movie.
She steals cars, she outfights every man, she closes a knife wound with a sanitary napkin, she kills and kills and kills (I would estimate 50, almost all at close range)... without ever once asking them what was in their wallet.
Fantastic.
Breaking In (2018)
Home Alone without the fun
Dreary and stupid. So much of this movie makes no sense. The lead character lives a life of privilege due to her father's criminal behavior, but I guess we should overlook that.
There are too many scenes where the movie would have ended if people stayed in chsracter. No reason for the robbers to not shoot Shaun. But they don't. No reason for Shaun to not shoot the robbers who are threatening to kill her and her children, But she doesn't. In one scene the younger brother fires a gun from five feet away and misses completely. What kid doesn't play enough video games to do that?
The robbers are cardboard cutouts. I laughed out loud when they figured out how to open the safe. The most secure spot in a wired-for-anything house and they have an app to override it.
The topper is when Shaun threatens to burn the cash which she has soaked in gasoline. She holds a lit cigarette lighter over the money, which in the real world would have ignited (gasoline fumes burn, not the liquid) and flared all over her.
This all takes place in rural Wisconsin. Of course the police arrive only after Shaun heroically prevailed, I half expected to see white cops arrive and arrest her for breaking into the house because she's black. Maybe that was a post credits scene.
Rampage (2018)
Suspend all rational thinking
If you go to this movie after seeing the trailer, you will not be disappointed. If you go without seeing it, that's another story.
Highly entertaining schlock.
The nature of this movie, like most other action films, requires that the hero survive the entirety of the chaos surrounding him. This hero being The Rock means that he is outside on the roof of the Willis Tower in Chicago when it is collapsing yet manages to survive the collapse all the way down to street level with barely a scratch.
Only thing that would have improved this would be if he had used some of his more famous catchphrases from wrestling.
The violence is similar to Kong: Skull Island. Not for the little ones.
A Quiet Place (2018)
Enjoyable but not particularly smart
The audience in my theater bought into the suspense of this film - it was completely silent throughout. A suspense / monster movie without excessive gore is also a major plus. And it passes very quickly.
But when it's over, it has several of those "if they had just done that sooner, there wouldn't have been a problem" scenarios.
If this is treated as a three act play, the second act is the scene from Jurassic Park where the kids are hiding from the raptor in the kitchen, Only much longer.
And the ending is almost straight out of Mars Attacks.
The final scene could have happened months and months earlier. No one even tried? No booby traps? And the kids couldn't wear sneakers?
The father must have been superhuman, his cornfields are immaculate and he has a silo filled to the top ... both without the use of noise-making machines. Maybe he was inspired by the Professor on Gilligan's Island.
But while it's going on, the movie is quite enjoyable.
Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)
Absolutely mind numbing
The good things I have to say about this movie: Plenty of good seats were available. And it passed pretty quick for a near two hour length. Best of all, you can completely shut down your brain for the entire time. There is nothing that requires focus, knowledge, or any coherence at all. The characters in Showgirls had more depth. And there are so many explosions and loud sound effects that no one will even notice when you crack open a can of beer in the theater.
The Post (2017)
This was nominated for Best Picture?
I cannot believe that this would be nominated for an Oscar. It's a slow story dominated by Streep playing her who-hasn't-seen-it upper class rich woman character and Hanks being the cranky counterpart with a distracting fake Boston accent.
It's also the kind of movie that attracts an older audience that likes to talk out loud during the film... What'd she say? How are we supposed to understand that?
It's set in 1971 --- so an early scene shows people smoking (which doesn't occur much when they are actually working). We also get pounded over the head with womens' roles in the workforce, the cheesiest being after the Supreme Court hearing.
The movie hints at Ellberg's being traumatized as a reporter in Viet Nam but then virtually drops him from the movie. Would have been more interesting.
The Post was a second tier newspaper at the time; the NY Times was the paper that took the real risks in the entire Pentagon Papers story. But there's no Meryl Streep role in "The Times", so we get "The Post".
Twin Peaks: Part 18 (2017)
You wanted resolution...
Definite resolution and no need to tie up any of the other loose ends over the series.
Coop should have watched Back to the Future. They warned him. "The past dictates the future." He is the only one apparently with a memory of what didn't happen. May as well have been only a dream.
It's still plenty open-ended and ambiguous for those who want to create another "what happened over the past 25 years" and did you-know-who really get punched out.
The Kennedys After Camelot (2017)
Hilariously Bad - Especially Matthew Perry
This should go down in the annals of absolute schlock. Not quite up to the quality of "The Crown", to put it mildly. This dreck belongs on Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Matthew Perry is horrendous in every scene he is in. What fool producer cast him in this mess (oh, never mind)?
Katie Holmes reprises her vapid Jackie-in-a-haze performance as one of only two characters in the entire production that show any redeemable qualities - and her back-and-forth from "I'm in the family" to "I am not in the family" make absolutely no sense.
If 10% of the script is true, Ted Kennedy should have spent many years in prison. His late night call to the front desk of a motel after the car crash is completely moronic. His portrayal of calling the women dumb names like "Joansy" and "Jacksy" are nothing more than annoying. Not clever or "inside Ted", just dumb.
A great scene is where Ted learns that a girl dies from cancer and her parents went broke trying to pay for care. He is an oblivious boob, but this becomes his "calling in life". Which he never fulfilled.
Another where this boob blows any chance to beat Carter for the Democratic nomination (typically through his own stupidity); he bring "Joansy" down to DC to speak for him (she was going to AA twice a day at the time), and then, when he blows it, it drives her to the airport and embraces his mistress while old "Joansy" is sitting in the car. What a great human being!
Ethel is portrayed as a psycho witch, believing she has a Kennedy birthright. Crazier than Old Lady Rose.
Joan is almost likable (if you leave out that she was dumb enough to get involved with Ted and was a lush).
Onassis is almost likable as portrayed (if you overlook his Mediterranean views toward women, his ongoing affair with Maria Callas, and best of all, his psycho shrine to Jackie).
John John is a boob. Flunks and flunks, then flunks some more, then decides he should run for office. He has good hair.
Caroline isn't in this, other than briefly as a child. Must have decent lawyers.
The show ends abruptly with John John and wife getting on a plane. Not the trip that killed them, but just another less eventful trip they planned to take. The closing credits allude to the later crash.
The Bucket List (2007)
Straight out of Freshman Writing 101
Straight from central casting: One rich "soulless" man - Jack Nicholson; check. One virtuous blue collar wise man - Morgan Freeman; check.
One common crisis brings them together - terminal cancer; check.
Rich man shows the virtuous man his way to enjoy life; check.
Virtuous blue collar man shows the rich man his way to enjoy life; check.
Virtuous blue collar man challenges the rich man to resolve past family strife, rich man "can't do it"; check.
Virtuous blue collar man returns from adventures, finds his family to be the most joyful thing in life; check.
Rich man returns from adventures, finds his life empty; check.
Virtuous blue collar man takes a turn for the worst, rich man returns to him, hires "best doctor"; check.
After death of virtuous blue collar man, rich man actually delivers "profund" and "heartfelt" eulogy (give me a break, I'm going to vomit), then follows up on his dying wish and resolves past strife in a Hallmark Card scene; check.
This is mindless fluff. A great rental, but TOTALLY unoriginal and like Rob Reiner's other recent films, completely underrates the intelligence of the audience.
Plane Dead (2007)
Outstanding! Fantastic! Oscar-Worthy!
This movie is simply great. The cast is superb, especially the John Malkovich wanna-be and the Tiger Woods impersonator. Highlights include "Tiger" decapitating a zombie with his putter! The Japanese zombie going kamikaze on a fighter jet! Even the nun gets it! No clichés here - Even the nun gets it! The 747 model they used in filming was extremely high-tech. Where else can an untrained pilot move a jet from the Yukon to Las Vegas in under 30 minutes? What other aircraft can take a missile like that? And where else can you set off a bomb in the cargo hold with no physical damage to the structure? High tech, high entertainment, high realism.
The "ign" track is hilarious, this one is fun for the whole family!
The Bronx Is Burning (2007)
Extremely Disappointing
The casting is terrible... Oliver Platt acts like a complete buffoon... Steinbrenner is annoying and obnoxious, but he's played as a bumpkin here... Reggie is dull... the real Reggie was never dull... Billy Martin is played as a pathetic loser... no admirable qualities at all, NONE... a really mean-spirited portrayal. Thurman Munson, "beloved captain", played as a jealous jerk... Gabe Paul, impotent idiot (okay, they got one right). DiMaggio with no charisma (or overwhelming arrogance, take your pick), just bland. No Mickey? Not Mick the Quick, he was hilarious.
The good parts about the miniseries are the actual clips that are patched in and the backstories at the end of each episode. Chris Chambliss, Fran Healey, et al. Where's Rizzuto? The theme music is blackboard scratching awful... like the theme from "S.W.A.T." garbage.
Watch it on the net if you haven't seen it already - www.bronxisburning.com. Some commercial breaks, not bad.
Wild Hogs (2007)
Unlikeable cast
Another of the "let's get former stars who were once considered funny and put them in an out-of-place scenario" movies... City Slickers approach with a lousy script, an unlikeable lead (Travolta), two has-beens (Lawrence and Allen), and one decent actor who - on paper - doesn't belong with the rest of them (Macy, the only actor in the bunch).
Oprah shilled for this movie, Leno shilled for this movie, with those "my friends like me" kind of testimonials.
I especially like the earlier comment that Peter Fonda "revised" his character from Easy Rider. Well since that character was shot DEAD in Easy Rider, there's going to have to be some major revision.
If you just can't wait for "Ocean's 13" of "Cannonball Run 3", you'll love this one.